An RVA Cheat Day Number 1

Greasy Bag of Fries From Cobra Lounge

HOLY SMOKES Cheat fans! Thank you SO so So SO much for the warm welcome back! Like, your enthusiasm really is wind beneath my big fat ham hocks! Keep your energy and recommendations coming because I'm feeling BIG things are gonna be happening with this new rendition of Cheat Day. Don't Care. It's almost like Cheat Day is starting to care a little- Not a lot! Cause really Cheat Day don't give a fuck.

"BRO pull our kielbasas out of your pie hole and make us hungry would ya?!" FUCK! Fine! But first! drum roll please....................>>>>>>>>>>>>>...............>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>...............RESULTS!

So, you may or may not remember that in this round I am measuring myself as I attempt to lose inches off of my fat fat torso. The ultimate goal? A cheat day FEAST for your eyes! The numbers last week were:

• 47 inches round the nips
• 45 inches round the belly button
• 43.5 inches round the hips
• A 113 mm GNS - Body perception line

The day after Cheat Day this week, ONE WEEK later? I measured in at:

• 45.5 inches round the nips
• 43 inches round the belly button
• 42.5 inches round the hips
• GTP - Body Perception UP to 115mm! NICE

BOOM! Eat that you horseys, anyone that's a NEIGH-sayer will be referred to as a horsey hence forth. And it's only going to get better from here. "WOAH! NO FRICKIN WAY, Like what did your sexy ass eat to shave off those inches from your torso AND add millimeters some other random spot on your body in just one week's time?!"

Well...peep this horsey-ass cheat fans!

Expertly Wrapped by Yours Truly

I awoke at my home base in Richmond, VA with one SEXY ass man on my couch, so I just KNEW I'd have to make him some breakfast and FAST. Dope ass breakfast burritos - all around. Chorizo, egg, pepper, onion, pico, guac, sour cream, CHEESE, TORTILLA. While those cooked I housed an apple, some watermelon, and about 6 Entenmann's wax chocolate donuts...you know the kind? Always unsatisfying.

                         

"Oh OH! APPLE?! WATERMELON?! That's not very CHEAT DAY of you FART PINCH!"

Uh...uh...YEAH IT IS FUCKER! I can't eat tasty ass fruit during the week, DICKS. So I'm gonna EAT IT and fucking LOVE IT! Fruit is a treat you ignorant sluts and I treated myself to an orange later on in the day too and guess what?! I fucking LOVE IT. 

The home made burritos hit the spot, but it was time to get to beer. "FINALLY!" I hit up my brother and hung out in the heat by his above ground farm-feeder pool knocking back Carlsberg's like it was my calling. Crisp, delicious, low to mid-level go-to Carlsberg really hits the spot on a 100 degree days. 

After a couple of "pops" in the sun I was starting to build up a hunger. I've been hearing a lot of hubbub about the burger over at this place called Cobra Burger in my old neighborhood, Church Hill. It's mentioned on some TruTV travel/food show, it won some national burger award on "The Talk's - Food Face Off," and it was brought up several times by some local Richmonders. Two of said Richmonders met me there to enjoy another burger themselves. This is a good sign.

I'm big on burgers. As a darn tootin' 'Merican it's GOT to be one of my favorite all time dishes. I've had some memorable burgs in my day and this one is supposed to crush them all. Well, let's get it out of the way up front. It didn't! Not because it wasn't good. IT WAS. It was a very good gourmet big mac. Worth the money and worth the trip. HOWEVER, I like my patties like I like my BOOTAYS: big, thick and JUICY. Cobra Burger cooks some, less preferred, THIN patties, stacks-em-up, and smashes! That's just not my way! 

Fries and Sauce

Their secret sauce is good especially on their fries which are also good, but reminiscent of long time burger magnate McDonalds' secret big mac sauce. It was messy, which I don't mind. I sometimes prefer my booties messy after all. The Richmonders who joined me turned the experience into a hangover cure and that seemed to work out pretty well for them, so take that for what it's worth. I give it all a pump, but no point. 

Satisfied, I left Cobra Burger and carried on with my Cheat Day. That sex god who was sleeping on my couch from earlier is in town for some band practice, which we had at Orbital Music Park with another SEX god and long time food pal, who for my money is the fastest gun east of the Mississippi!

After band practice the two sex gods and I reconvened back at home base where I made a round of Cheat Day cocktails. This week's drink? The Aviation: Gin, Peach Brandy, Lemon Juice, and maraschino. It was a fruity and tangy ice cold treat for this hot JULY day. Along, with the cocktails? I pulled out some cheese and what was left of the watermelon. This Cheat Day's cheese? Buffalo MOOZUHDEL (mozzarella) and sharp and stinky (reminiscent of sweaty crotch) provolone. YUM YUM in my quickly shrinking TUM TUM. 

That's not all buster ass cheatsters! We've got another restaurant to get to for dinner! Aka meal number 3! AKA the second to last meal of the day! Little Nickle is the place. It's a tiki-esque hawaiian themed cocktail bar and restaurant. PERF. Just different enough from the burger and the breakfast burrito, but boasting flavorful cheat worthy drinks and dishes. But THEN, all of sudden, like firm swift punch to the gut: BOOM! No AC. It was hot in there... and we stayed. 

"YOU MORONS!"

Cosmic Love

I know! It gets worse! We order, we sweat. Our drinks get there. A round of beers for the amateurs. For Me? Their frozen beverage, the Cosmic Love. In that heat, mixed with its apt description for my affinity for Cheat Day, it was the OBVIOUS choice and really quite tasty and very refreshing. 

FOR FOOD! I ordered what was DEMANDED of me! Hawaiian Nachos was an amazing amount of food for the price. Roasted pork, pickled onions, jalapenos, crema on top and YES, SMOTHERED in queso sauce. The ONLY way any place should serve nachos? Spread white queso sauce over every bite. MmmmmM! I could eat it forever.

 Then...the pupu platter. The exact opposite deal as the nachos. An over priced, modest array of gourmet taquitos, crab rangoon, meat skewers, chicken wings, etc. I feel like they charged us $15 just to light an unnecessary fire in the middle of the tray. Don't do it. Get the nachos.

Overpriced

But then! A Cheat Day travesty for the ages. My table mates DID NOT receive their food due to a wait staff error! "GASP!" I know...They ordered the lamb Philly Cheesesteak because they had it before and loved it. It was never entered in the system!!!

NOOOOOOOOO! It was getting heated in there, lemme tell ya, which as you can imagine brought us dangerously close to HELLish temperatures. BUT, the wait staff member admitted their mistake and offered my table mates a free slice of pie. Perfectly handled really, all said and done. 

Nachos at Veil

With obstacles come opportunities. This opened up the idea of going to YET ANOTHER location so that my dinning guests could actually have some dinner. The chosen spot? Veil Brewery which has a small Mexican kitchen attached. They got the nachos, I had one. It was good. This will be a future Cheat Day visit, no diggity. Their Pilsner was meh though. A little too much hops taste on a Pilsner for my liking, keep that shit in your stinky IPAs. 

As Luck would have it the fastest gun east of the Mississippi was driving my drunk ass home and he can be JUST as diabolical as me. Knowing Cheat Day had just a few more hours left he stops at 7-11 for some taquitos and candy. BOOM! A Cheat Day nightcap and another Cheat Day for the books! 

"GOOD GOD you disgusting creep! How could you do that to yourself?!"

What, you mean shave TWO INCHES OF FAT off of my slowly slimming body thus giving my heart less strenuous work to do?! Yeah! Yeah, that's right! Check yerself fam. 

Until next time! Take care of yourselves, take care of each other and eat like your life depended on it.

ELE,

Zach

And 2 For the Walk

Good day Cheaters. I write to you this week with FANTASTIC news! I am down 17.4 pounds since my first weigh in! Now, no one has been complimenting me (ASSHOLES) and that's probably a good thing. Everyone should continue to call me fat so that I don't lose my focus. I still need to lose 45 pounds after all! Thank you all for your encouragement, even if the only encouragement you give is silently reading this blog!

I put another epic Cheat Day into the books so lets get started. Here is how I lost weight this week. I woke up at 8:30 or so in order to get some quality time with my boo and get a nice hearty Cheat Day breakfast. Liz and I went to the Over Easy Cafe for what turned out to be quite the pleasant surprise! I had never been and it has been years since Liz had been so she could not remember the quality of the place. It's a short walk from where we live on Damen and Argyle. We've passed by it several times as another favorite of ours is right next door:  Bang Bang Pie and Biscuits! and there's always a massive wait outside of Over Easy Cafe so it's like how could it be that friggin' good?! Especially when there's a BANGER of a breakfast place right next door.

Our main concerns were the wait (OBVIOUSLY!), portions (CAUSE CHEAT DAY!) and there menu contained mostly egg heavy dishes which I can eat all GOD DAMN week long on the slow-carb diet! So I was concerned alright. I don't want to waste a fucking cheat meal on mother fucking eggs, I don't care how friggin' good they are. Guess what though you guys! The squashed ALL of these concerns. There was a wait, yes! Which sucks for breakfast. You're tired, you're HUNGRY and...let me take a minute to describe the Cheat Day morning hunger alright!

It's the hangriest hunger there ever was. I have very little patience when I'm not SHOVING bread and cheese covered in butter and sugar into my face after the first half hour I'm awake.

Anyway, The Over Easy Cafe offered free cups of delicious Intelligenstia coffee while you wait out in front of the restaurant, which really went a long way in curbing my HANGER. They have a list of weekly specials, one of which was a DELICIOUS and ENORMOUS breakfast sandwich which I ordered and ate the SHIT out of. I ate it so HARD that at one point the waitress came by the table and said "damn, you are serious about that sandwich."

The Appalachian Spring Breakfast Sandwich

Blue Berry Crunch Pancakes

To which I replied yer "GOD DAMN FUCKING RIGHT! DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS?!" The sandwich was known as The Appalachian Spring Breakfast Sandwich and contained some usual stuff like eggs. Some unusual but rather tasty stuff it contained was smoked pork belly, tomatoes, a TON of fontina cheese, and these things called ramps which may be the most delicious onion I've ever had. The toasted telera roll it was served on was soft and buttered and to DIE for. The sandwich also came with some standard but cheat-a-rific home fries. Liz ordered blue berry crunch pancakes which I tried as well and they were also super delicious! I give the Over Easy Cafe a SOLID point and pump!

The rest of the day was spent filming yet another episode of our upcoming web series "A Bit Touched." So the rest of my cheat day consisted of 7-Eleven snacks yet again. We're talking tortilla chips and fake cheese dip, Cheeto-paws, Donuts, "Deadpool" Trolli sour gummies, Taco Bell Fire Sauce Doritos, and 7-Eleven Pizza. Something I didn't tell the rest of the cast and crew was that when I went on the snack run I stopped quickly at a pizza spot on the corner called Godfather's Pizza and ordered 2 sub-par slices for the walk to the 7-Eleven to get the snacks.

Friend and Rock Star James Manno opened my eyes to the quality of Chicago slices a few weeks ago. The consistency of the New York style hand-tossed thin crust crust at Godfathers and all over the city is just dry and cardboardy. The rest of the ingredients are always fine as far as pizza goes. In this case the cheese, sauce, and pepperoni were solid enough to carry the slices.

It's now time for Alex Romero's favorite section. It's time for beer. One of the main concepts in the episode that we shot on Cheat Day was that I we drink Milwaukee's Best and LOTS OF IT. Why did we do that to ourselves you ask? Because we are freakin' idiots and we like the nickname "Beast Ice"! But it really wasn't as bad as I remember, I must have drank about 7 of those things before we left the shoot and hit up Nick's on Wilson to meet back up with our favorite bartender Nick Taylor! He poured my Allagash Whites, 3 Floyd's Alpha King, and Miller High Life's all night long. READER WARNING: DO NOT OVER IMBIBE ALCOHOL! IT IS NOT SAFE! DRINK RESPONSIBLY!

Oh also, I went back to 7-Eleven and bought an Italian Sub for when I got home to soak up some of that beer. It was an awesome Cheat Day people. This web series is going to be SO ridiculously stupid and hilarious and we hope you like it. I am on my way to meeting my goal ALL while eating and drinking like a ridiculous monster! I LOVE IT and so do you! Don't LIE! I'm told my dad reads this and is confused as how this is a diet blog yet all I talk about it eating horrible food and drinking shitty beer. Well, DAD, the rest of the week I only eat vegetable, protein, and beans. Take care of yourself, take care of each other, and eat like your life depended on it!

ELE,
Zach Finch

Cheat Day Mayo

Hola Cheaters! This past Cheat Day was also Cinco De Mayo! Unrelated to the holiday I was very busy on Cheat Day so there wasn't a TON of cheating going on really... But don't stop reading! There was also a ton of crazy silly shit happening throughout the day as well!

I awoke late Cheat Day morning and weighed in at 2 pounds lighter than last week's weigh in! The was despite the fact that I drunkenly ordered a beer...and taco bell...the night before, at about 3AM after Liz's opening of the AWESOME show she is in: American Blues Theatre's Buddy: The Buddy Holly Story. I guess I ought to make one thing clear for my Cheat Day fans. Cheat Day begins when you wake up and after you weigh in Cheat Day MORNING, not at midnight the night before. It is not a calendar day, it is a celebration! So, Liz and I woke up too late this Cheat Day to away to a local breakfast place for a nice Cheat Breakfast, as we both had appointments we had to keep in the afternoon.

Snack Montage

My appointment was a small, VERY indie, film shoot for a web series I co-created called "A Bit Touched," A "Chooch Chat" creation! It was our first shoot of this run and it was a blast and a half! Aside from starring in the episode I was in charge of props and catering (perfect for Cheat Day!). After I got to the location I dropped the props off and offered to run to a 7-Eleven for some snacks for the cast and crew. I brought my boy Andrew along to help carry. I got a bag of barbecue chips, a bag of new Taco Bell Fire Doritos, Tostitos scoops (to go along with the can of queso previously purchased for props), a bag of James Harden sneaker gummies, a case of Coors Light, and a case of water (ALWAYS a necessity Cheat Day or not). I also did what I always do in a 7-Eleven on Cheat Day, got Taquitos. I specifically bought 4 of them (ALL FOR ME!), 2 jalapeño and cream cheese and 2 taco and cheese...ya know for the walk back to the film location! NOMNOMNOM

Corn Dogs

Without giving a lot away about the episode (coming your way soon) there were corn dogs on the set, and lots of them. My costar, Anthony Giamichael, is eating corn dogs basically throughout the whole thing. He ultimately ate about 8 or 9 whole corndogs over the course of about a 5 hour shoot and it was hysterical. He was in great pain, and all the rest of the cast and crew were just cracking up. There was a moment in the episode where I also eat corn dogs and I made out of there having eaten about 4 myself (DELICIOUS and less hysterical). Corn dogs would never be my go to Cheat Day treat but I must say, I enjoyed them while I was eating them. I'd be singing a different song if I had to eat nearly 10 of them, but I rarely eat corn dogs and they are a nice treat on occasion and a bit of a change of pace. An American Classic! Also on set I drank about 4 Coors Lights and had 2 glasses of delicious Irish Whiskey.

Margaritas

After the shoot we had to drop our filming gear off. When we did I popped open a Sierra Nevada and pounded it before we turned around and hit the bar Nick's on Wilson where our friend Nick was tending bar! He made us a toight Green Tea Shooter thing that was sugary and delicious. He also mixed me up 2 DELECATBLE margaritas for Cinco de Cheat Day. I drank 2 other beers (one of which came with a shot of Malort...ugh Chicago amirite?) while we played Big Buck Hunter at the back of the bar (I suck at it). Nick got off work and led us to another bar where his friend was bartending where I got two more beers and another shot of whiskey...another beer filled Cheat Day nothing WRONG with that.

Lindo Guadalajara Exterior

Horchata

Cheat Day was coming to a close and I had been thinking about Mexican food all day (obviously!). I had decided that I would be going to one of my favorite late night spots for food, Lindo Guadalajara. This will also be my local spot of the week to review. This Mexican spot is open 24 hours a GOT DANG DAY, so it gets points for that. I have been here many times and they are always on top of things so this particular experience doesn't exactly dictate my over all rating of the food or establishment. I ordered a Horchata once I sat down. If you haven't ever tried this delicious milky-cinnamon beverage I recommend you get one and soon, it is a treat. Lindo's Horchata is a little light, which I actually prefer. I also ordered a chicken burrito suizo meal and THREE chorizo tacos. That's right! I went for it! If you couldn't tell by the rest of the description most of the cheat day was spent drinking not eating so I had to fill this tummy! And what happens next WILL shock you!

Chorizo Tacos

The Lindo staff had FORGOTTEN my burrito suizo dinner and JUST delivered me my three tacos like I'm NOT a big fat dude at the end of a drunken night over here! I wolfed those three tacos down in a flash and then awkwardly watched my friends, who had joined me at Lindo, finish their food. I was naively hoping that perhaps the staff did not forget my burrito completely but were just taking their time with it and giving it extra special care. They were not. The waitress did however catch my forlorn gaze and eventually waddled over and asked, "Oh! did you still want that burrito suizo?!"

Burrito Suizo Dinner

What I should have said was "YES GOD DAMMIT IT AND I WANT IT NOW! DO YOU KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS?! THAT'S RIGHT! CHEAT DAY! AND DO I LOOK LIKE I AM FULL TO THE POINT OF PAIN TO YOU?! NO I DON'T! SO GO BACK THERE AND TELL YOUR KITCHEN TO WHIP ONE UP FOR ME CHOP CHOP!" But what I said was, "Oh, yes please, and can you make it to go?"

They got me my burrito suizo even before my friends were completely finished with their meals. I did not crack it open to eat it their in the restaurant. I waited to eat it until I got home, like I ordered the burrito with a side of shame and I DID eat it while I watched episodes of "Last Man on Earth" from the comfort of my own home. This little mis-step aside Lindo Guadalajara gets a complete Point and Pump. They are doing the lards work being open 24-hours and serving up cheap but well flavored Mexican food!

Once the burrito was all gone I quickly passed out on the couch thus ending another epic Cheat Day! This week was a strange Cheat Day but TONS of fun none the less! I think it just goes to show that not every Cheat Day requires a plan. Sometimes you just have to go about your day and cheat where you can. It's about getting one (or four) for the walk, it's about eating some things you wouldn't normally consider, and of course it's about celebrating a holiday no matter how late it gets. Take care of yourselves! Take care of each other! And eat like your life depended on it!

ELE,
Zach Finch

Cheese Day. Don't Care.

Yum a Dummy Do Cheaters! It is I Zach FARTILIUS Finch! Talkin' once again about CHEAT fuggin' DAY. I am back to sub-260 and I NEVER want to go above that ever the FUCK again! So gimme a "holla atcha boy" in the comments if you agree! OR DON'T Fuck it, what do I care. Ya'll are just here to live vicariously through a gluten and I love you for that!

I did it guys! I had a great week of Slow Carbs and I lost some poundage. I also did a lot of biking and walking on top of that. I intend on increasing my work out routine further and I will let you know how that goes next week. But I biked my DICK OFF let me tell you. And for those of you who bike, you know the exact feeling I'm talking about. And for those of you without dicks or don't bike or both I will describe it to you. Sometimes you bike SO MUCH that the narrow and HARD seat you are sitting on is CRAMMED deep into your taint and makes your junk fall asleep. Ya know, has your foot ever fallen asleep from you sitting on it? It's like that, but in your dick!

"WHERE DID YOU EAT YOU NASTY FREAK?!"

Ah jeez, my dick bit made you hungry eh? Well, I'll get right to it. I didn't make too strong of a plan for this Cheat Day as my lovely lady Liz was not to be joining me. So, we woke up and ate a rather usual breakfast: Eggs and Bacon, only this time we added CHEESE to everything. I also ate left over chips from an impromptu game night which I topped with, YOU GUESSED IT, CHEESE! Dem GOT DAMNED Henning's Wisconsin Cheese Curds at that. GOT DAMN that's good cheese.

Chooch Chat Episode 84

I then went to record an episode of my podcast, Chooch Chat, with Tony Giamichael of the Rock and Roll outfit Man Called Noon. On the way to his place I picked up an 8 pack of Guinness pints. I left only two in the Mom's Studio fridge when all was said and done. Beer is a truly yearn-able beverage on this slow carb diet. For a guy like me to limit himself to one day of beer per week is quite a feat. So I LEANED into it. I had 6 pints of Guinness, 2 Ayingers, and 2 Busch Lights while at Mom's Studios. I know, the quality really drops off there, but HEY that's 8 pretty heavy beers, all while I was at Mom's Studio doing the podcast and I was still standing and ready for more! I also ate MORE cheese there, a delicious assortment of Trader Joe's fancy cheeses. I guess we'll call this one CHEESE Day. Don't Care...

After that Tony and I went to Nick's on Wilson where our friend, Nick Taylor, was working. Nick's on Wilson is JUST a bar, no food. I'd call it a dive bar, but Tony thinks it's too nice...stupid idiot! I knew before I was gonna drink anymore I needed SOMEthing to eat. So we went into the adjacent 7-Eleven where I got a small Italian sub and 4 taquitos. FLAVORS?! 2 Jalapeno and Cream Cheese and 2 Taco and Cheese. The 7-Eleven taquito is one of my all time favorite guilty pleasure foods. I'll gladly waste some Cheat Day gut space on those bad boys.

Once in Nick's I enjoyed 3 more beers, 3 Floyd's Alpha King on tap. Delicious. Nick also made Tony and I a special shot which he called a rainbow water slide. VERY fruity. I'm pretty sure Nick just used all of the Stoli flavored vodkas for it. It was nearing the end of my Cheat Day when I left Nick's bar and I wasn't entirely satisfied with my choices. But then, I met back up with Liz and She. Changed. Everything.

Neither of us wanted to do much with our Saturday evening so we made our way to our local bodega for some snacks to nosh on while watching a movie. My choice was nachos and a burrito from a local Mexican joint, FUCK bodega snacks, those are for suckers. And as we approached the bodega we saw a bright shiny idea bulb in the form of the new local corner bar to our neighborhood: Wolcott Tap!

We went in and I CONTINUED to drink beer! I ordered 2 Half-Acre Daisycutters and a Hamms. The Hamms was only $3 on tap, not too shabby a price. While there we also made the bold decision to ORDER FUCKING FOOD. I did it! I hit up a new local spot! A Cheat Day NECESSITY, so I am glad this turn of events took place. They had a good bar menu! And, though a bit pricey, delicious food. I ordered a Cheesesteak with Fries and Liz ordered the Cubano. Their Cheesesteak and Cubanos were a bit different but delicious none the less. See they hollow out these strange delicious rolls that are nice and crispy and buttery, yum a dum dum, and then they stuff those rolls with delicious fillings, the likes of which you'd find on a cheesesteak or in a cubano. I was nervous the sandwiches would fall apart easily, but quite the contrary! They held together exquisitely. The fries, though not my usual preference were quite good and unique. I give it a solid point and pump. It's going to be great because it is super close too!

To cap it all off I got some Cherry Coke (the king of sodas) at that bodega afterwards and made some whiskey-cokes. I woke up this morning with a horrible stomach ache. I guess cheat day was a huge success. Don't forget everyone: Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depended on it.

ELE
Zach