The Polar Bear Plunge

Brrrrrr ya Cheatin' azz Polar Bears! Are ya doing alright? Are you hanging in there? Do you even have any New Years Resolutions left to talk about?! For crying out loud Dry January is behind us! I'm still doing this crazy diet and for WHAT?! To look like this and better that's what:

Yeah, soak it in baby. That's me emerging from some ICY cold waters into ICY cold air this past Cheat Day. Never you fear, I went straight to drink and eat myself back to into a manageable body temperature! Let's get started.

Now, I was SUPER excited this Cheat Day morn'. Not just because I got to eat delicious food. BUT, it was my first day drinking of 2023! And day drinking I did. I started this Cheat Day with a Miller Lite. I know, I know not the most exciting drink in the world, but boy did this particular Miller Lite go down NICE and smooth. 

I chased that bad boy with a couple of white fudge covered Oreos left over from post-Christmas and some old Halloween candy left over from post-well-Halloween, duh. I didn't have much time to make anything extravagant for breakfast because it was time to get going to that Gosh Darn Polar Bear Plunge 2023 in Virginia Beach. Road Trip baby. 

Ya see this whole thing is Jimmy Mac's idea and so I meet the man at his place early. First things first, we've gotta fuel up with some caffeine. As we are verified BASIC AF we stop at the BUCKS. Now, I'm a black coffee man, but I just ain't going BLACK on Cheat Day. That's right! I've gone black and I am going back, sue me! Instead I get a sweet pistachio cream cold brew. Because it is a COLD cold Cheat Day my friends. I enjoy it in a matter of 10 - 15 minutes before it's SUCKED DRY. That oughta tell you how good it is.

Most of the way through the drive we stop at a Wawa to pee and I think to myself, "Why Not?" It's Cheat Day after all. Not to mention that, for my money, Wawa has got THE BEST gas station food on the planet. That's right, UP YOURS BUCKEYS! I buy myself a pre-made breakfast burrito, hash brown, pepperoni croissant (which I call a pepperoni pillow) and a little tub of Nacho Cheese.

I've GOT to tell you. That GOT.DAMN. pepperoni pillow is magical. In fact, I'm calling it early, it gets my POINT.AND.PUMP. of the week! If you find yourself in a Wawa, check out the hot boxes near the registers and if you SEE a pepperoni croissant sitting there, you buy it and you EAT it. Then, you go ahead and write to me and thank me with a tear-filled, heartfelt, letter of affirmation.

The Polar Bear Plunge was BONKERS. There were people everywhere. Our good friend Wawa is a major sponsor and they are handing out free soft pretzels, cookies and brownies. So, of course, I partake. (Cheat Day). There's a heated tent (thank god) as it is 26 degrees outside. There's a Tito's Vodka table serving up drinks, but the line is a mile long, so I opt for a beer from the Smartmouth Brewing Co. table instead, a Pilsner. It's alright. Nothing to write home about.

The time to plunge is upon us and Jimmy Mac isn't even registered! We ask around at the people wearing number bibs where to go to get registered. Apparently it's on the second floor of the ocean front Hilton across the boardwalk from the tent. You coulda fooled me since the signage was so freakin' non-existent. There were no signs about registration nor were there signs signifying that the building in question was the Hilton. Anyway, we got up to the registration room as it was emptying to get this big polar bear a number. 

It turns out they gave Jimmy Mac's number away to some group he wasn't a part of! What the hell?! It's about this time that I start thinking maybe Jimmy Mac isn't so excited about this and maybe he's trying to back out. But, we keep on keeping on. Other nearby friends join us. They are as confused as we are. Some friends say they just got through without a number. We try that route ourselves, but get stopped. C'mon!

Finally we just pick an open spot on the beach adjacent to the hullabaloo and run into the freezing cold Ocean on our own. WHEW! It is indeed invigorating! It is body, heart and mind awakening! It made that 26 degree air feel like 50 degree air! What a rush! I would absolutely do it again.

Once we were sufficiently plunged we quickly make our way to the inside of somewhere. In this case, it is Smartmouth Brewery down the street from the shore. I didn't much care for their Pilsner so I started with a sky high ABV Sunday Morning Mimosa Inspired Tart Ale. That kicked me into high gear. I chased that sucker down with a much more manageable Alter Ego Farmhouse Ale. I truly enjoyed both of these and it saved my opinion of the entire brewery. 

We couldn't leave VB without noshin' on some gnar, so we moseyed over to The Bunker Brewpub. Their beer was mediocre, although I did have some (Cheat Day). But, I wasn't there for that. I wanted SNACKS. We got fried pickles and loaded waffle fries for the table, both of which were hot fyre.

For my main course I was feeling burger. I got the jalapeno addiction, because I'm a SPICY boy. The BBQ sauce countered the spicy hot jalapeno relish beautifully. I give the burger and the potato salad on the side a solid A. Well done bunker.

Being drunk Polar Bears is tiring work so we decided it was time to get back to a safe place to hibernate. Jimmy Mac, our DD and I safely drove up the road, drinking roadies the whole way. Roadie of choice: Narraganset! A road trip blows by indeed when you're knockin' back Narragansets!

Safely back at home base I have a Ragged Branch Burbon night cap and some cold home made pizza, compliments of Jimmy Mac himself. Jimmy Mac's pizza is to die for and it will have it's own "Cheat Day. Don't Care." entry all to itself someday, you mark my words!

That booze hit hard, much like my head did the pillow after a day of libations such as these. Alcohol gets your goat good when you lay off it for a while like that. I recommend a nice long break for any serious drinker, just to see how she feels! I definitely found that I have felt great since stopping.

So great in fact...heeeeeere are the numbers!

Weigh Ins

1/21/23 - Scale #3 (Home Base) 234.2
1/28/23 - Scale #4 (New Scale) 240
2/04/23 - Scale #3 (Home Base) 234.2 (COINCIDENCE?! I THINK NOT!)

Measurements

NIPPLES: 45 1/2 inches (1/4 inch smaller than last week)
BELLY: 41 inches (1/2 inch SLIMER than last week)
HIPS: 42 inches (1/4 inch larger than last week)

SuhsuhsuhSUHWEET Can! I'm gettin' thin and fit. I'm old now! I can't be walkin' around with all this extra weight wrapped around me! Thanks Cheat Day! Alright everyone, take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
FartPinch

**EXCERPT DELETED**

Wellity Wellity Wellity Cheat Day fans. This one's BUSTIN LOOSE. NOT my best work happened this Cheat Day my fans, I'm not gonna lie. But let's see what kind of fun I can make out of this one. 

I got up early because I had to hit the road and BURN RUBBER. I SMASHED a buttered jalapeno cheddar bagel from Call Your Mothers and three mini quesadilla bites to get myself goin!

I stopped at skinny mini McD's place where I housed a breakfast Bud Light before we had to hit the skids all the way down to Newport News, VA. Obviously this kind of drive would require a fast food pit stop. This time? Hardee's. My second favorite fast food burger after Cookout and my second favorite fast food breakfast after BELL. By the time we got there we were both starving. 

 

I got the Monster Angus Burger and the Hand-Breaded Chicken Sandwich. Both sandwiches look like pure trash. That monster burger looks like a literal monster and the chicken sandwich was anything but hand-breaded. BUT, they're actually delicious and just what the doctor ordered. Not my doctor of course, because my doctor would never recommend that level of salty salty goodness. I wash them bad boys down with a Cherry Coke from the tap and then grab a Dr. Pepper for the rest of the drive. That's WAY too much soda for this adult male but not nearly enough for the fat teen still living inside.

We arrive at our destination, a holiday/house warming party, and 3 hours too early. Do we pace ourselves? NO EFFING WAY! I instantly break into the Devil's Backbone "Buck Tradition" Naughty/Nice IPAs I brought along. Followed by Miller Lite after Heineken after Miller Lite that was also already stocked and loaded at the party. 

5PM Rolls around and so do the guests. The Tostitos Cheese Dip is finally warm. I scarf a couple chips and dip. It's divine. The beef brisket in the slow cooker, which my brother and his fiancee prepared, is also finished. I snag myself a sandwich on a Hawaiian roll with a slice of pepper jack. It's gone in 10 seconds and it is DOPE. Surely this is enough to allow me to continue HOUSING BEERS!

 

It's not! The next thing I know a party guest shows up with some Woodford Reserve. I drunkenly (stupidly) help myself to a glass. 

(EXCERPT DELETED)

Some Shouting "ZACH GO TO BED"

"What's this?!" - me as I tear into a Costco sized bag of tater tots before they explode and scatter across the floor. 

(EXCERPT DELETED)

*TATER TOT NOSH*

Now I'm fully laying face down on an air mattress in a strange dark room. I'm still hungry, that's not right. Not on Cheat Day. I get up. I go back into the kitchen. I grab a tray of fruit and I take it to bed. I eat some pieces and pass out. 

Moral of the story? You're in your 30s. Food > Booze at your party. 

The point and pump this week goes to the lessons I learned on this Cheat Day. Cheat Day tends to equal binge day. That's not the best way to handle Cheat Day, not unlike the rest of the week, should be a gift not a curse or punishment. 

Here's my progress:

NIPS: 46 1/4 (1/2 inch LARGER coughCHEST DAYcough)
BELLY: 42 1/4 (1/4 inch LARGER....uhhh...I don't know?)
HIPS: 41 1/2 (1/4 SLIMER...SEE! Still got it!)

You know what to do people. Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
FartPinch

It's Must Be a SINistral to VANISH From the Public House!

Hot Dog Busters! Another one in the books! Nope, I didn't eat any hotdogs! But I DID eat a ton of delicious crap. I'll tell you this though. The weeks in between are getting easier! Once you find some staples you enjoy it's so much easier. Eggs, hummus, quinoa, salsa, avocado, carrots, pickles, jerky, nuts, olives and lots and lots of La Croix to brush that sweet tooth. 

"GET THAT HEALTH CRAP OUTTA HERE GUT BOY! WE WANNA HEAR ABOUT HOG HEAVEN!"

Well busters, you've got to THE RIGHT PLACE THEN! It's another Cheat Day ROAD TRIP! Not cause I got any place to go, but this time the journey is LIKE the DESTINATION MAAAAAN! It's ROCKTOBER, the scariest month of the year, so I 'Ring Girl' out of bed like a zombie who's like EVEN HUNGRIER than a Zombie, ya know? Like a starving, skinny girl, zombie man! I creepy crawl scamper all the way into the kitchen where there is a chocolate croissant and a miniature chocolate cream pie waiting for me for dessert. NOM. NOM.

With delicious sugar and carb sitting in my stomach telling me go BLAST OFF! I grab Sally Small Stomach and throw her in the car to head off to the great tiny town of Damascus, Maryland, where sad, pale, flabby teenage meth heads attempt to dissuade you from partaking in the treats of the town's orchards. We pull up to the store at the bottom of Rock Hill Orchard and Woodbourne Creamery and before we could get out of the car we are met with a deep, intimidating growl, "You HERE TO PICK APPLES?!" We duck back into the car expecting an apple to fly in our direction. 

"NO! We just want to buy some Apple Cider Donuts!" Sally says.

"Well, we ain't GOT NONE!" retorts the sad, pale, flabby meth head.

"That's not what your website told us!" Sally says.

"WELL! Them DONUTS is just fer APPLE PICKER! Ya gotta get 'em up there at the FARM!" declares the left behind youth. 

"Well, we'll just go up there then, thank you." Sally says.

"NO! Ya can't unless yer here to pick apples!" says the confusing living specter.

 

Sally turns to me and we both shrug. "Alright, well, thanks anyway." After a side bar conversation we decide to get some delicious cow to cone ice cream and a bomb ass bag of evercrisp apples. So, even if we didn't come away with Apple Cider Donuts the trip wasn't a total bust. The ice cream was truly the tits (wink) but of the four flavors we sampled the Cinnamon Apple flavor was the best.

After I knock back my cream in the car we come up with a scheme that will take us FAR! I drive right by that fat Hwhite redneck and straight up the road toward the farm where she was telling apple pickers to go. "What do you find?!" MORE SAD TEENS! These ones are in a pack of three working a check in tent for the city folk who drove in from all over to enjoy some laid back country life, pickin' apples. And, what do we spot on the check in table under the canopy? BAGS AND BAGS of donuts! 

"DUuuuuh, you here to pick apples?" Says the sad sad teen with painfully low energy.

"NO! God dammit, why would I pay you to do your work? I'm here for the apple cider donuts please." I say, growing increasingly more frustrated at this farce.

"Oh, uuuuuh, THOSE donuts are just for apple pickers, so...." replies Eeyore. 

"Ya don't say?....Look, we drove about 45 minutes out here JUST for those donuts. You guys have anymore anywhere? Or, is there another place we can go to get them?" I ask feigning politeness. 

"Hold on a minute!" squeaks the teen who turns to have a a pow wow with his three-teen braintrust under the pergola. We over hear that they have more up at the farm. Eeyore returns, "So, uuuh, YEAH, we have more coming from the farm so uuuuh, we can just sell you these, $8!"

"Great, thanks." I throw him a ten and tell him to keep the change. 

He hands over the brown bag of donuts and asks, "So, you don't want to pick apples then?"

"No man, no. Just the donuts." and we drive off leaving the dejected rejects huddled in a sad puddle of dust from the dirt road. Please, Sally Small Stomach digs into the bag and grabs two donuts. They ARE worth the trouble. 'FINGER.LICK'

We high tail it outta Damascus fast for fear that first abrasive Orchard rep IS actually a fast moving ghoul of some kind hell bent on killing us for making off with donuts without picking apples. We hop on a nice country road lined with colorful leaves and rolling hills. We've got time to kill. 

SUDDENLY! We see a sign. A sign for a brewery. Not just any brewery, but a brewery where my cousin WORKS. I screech off the road and into yet another dirt road. Vanish brewery is impressively large and chalk full of instagramable back drops. I text and call my cousin, Scotty, who doesn't respond but that of course mean he could be working. I go up to the bar and order a beer, Hacienda - a delight and refreshing Mexican Lager, Sally gets a delicious swirled FROZé. I ask the beer pourers if they know Scott. They look at each other, puzzled, and back to me like I'm some cop here to take him in. 

"He's my cousin." I say to them, reading the room. And their faces light up immediately and they tell me he's in the kitchen. I take our delicious drinks toward the kitchen for an instagramable moment hoping to spot him. Then BOOM! He pops out and gives me the old point and pump. I tell him what THE FUDGE is up and that I need something REAL cheaty REAL bad. He say pulled pork nachos, I'll hook yo FAT ACE up CUZ. 

"DONE!" I order dem nachos and walk the premises. There's some cat shelter there trying to get people to get drunk enough to adopt a cat I guess, but we ignore it, because we've got nachos to eat. And does my boy hook me up or what!

I give them and him the point and pump RIGHT BACK. After a fond farewell it was BACK TO THE ROAD! Now heading into true Northern Virginia my surroundings are much less scenic. Finally we land at my BOY McD's mansion in Manassas, VA. If you didn't know, McD is the one who put Man asses in Manassas and HE'S gonna show us around Old Town.

FIRST STOP! Sinistral Brewery. He's a member with his own mug, so they treat us REAL good. After tasting a few brews I settle on a bourbon aged October fest something or other. It's a NICE. It's a REAL NICE!

 

Next he takes us down the street to the Public House, where the service is slow, but the beer cheese and burgers are dank AF! Them beers are flowing as well. 

 

Because the Public House slowed us way down I had to hit the road once more. But, I'd definitely go back to join McD to check out old town Manassas some more. 

With a full belly and a little road weary I limp back to home base for the final showdown. A pre-assembles Lasagna with homemade bolognese and béchamel sauce. It's also COVERED in parmesan and mozzarella. If I didn't already give away my point and pump to some pork nachos I'd- AH WHAT THE HECK. ANOTHER POINT AND PUMP TO THE LASAGNA. You know it's good too, cause I scarf down two pieces even after the day I've had. Ya know why?! Cause it's back to business tomorrow, THAT'S WHY!

 

Who passes out immediately?! This fudgin guy right here. What do you think? You think I'm over doing it, don't you?! Well let's check the FRIGGIN numbers!

NIPS - 45.75 (down half an inch from last week)
Belly - 43.25 (down 3/4s of an inch from last week)
HIPS - 42.5 (UP 1/4 of an inch from last week, ASS BLASTIN')

There you have it doubters. Shed that fat. Lean and mean. Stay focused, stay motivated, test yourself, treat yourself. Take care of yourself. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach