Happy ThanksCheating Everyone

Gobble gobble gobble, bustin' azz CHEATERS! Did you have a terrific turkey day? Are you absolutely sick of frickin' talkin' about it?! ARE YOU TOTALLY OVER THE HAULIDAZE ALREADY?! Well ME TOO! But you HAVE to participate! Otherwise, it's TWICE as depressing! There's plenty of time to get depressed in January, February and March. April and part of May if you're in Chicago. 

There is one thing the holidays are good for though, isn't there? That's right...CHEATIN'. Now, to pull back the curtain for you, Cheat Day is actually every Saturday. I release this blog whenever I damn well feel like it. THANKSGIVING fell on a Thursday this year so I had to give it the ol'switcheroo. 

Here I am, Cheatin' again just 5 days after my last cheat fest. A WHOLE TWO DAYS EARLY! Have I died and gone to heaven?! This lasagna for breakfast points to YES!

This lasagna was ordered by mia madre from Demetrios Pizza and Grill by the Sarasota airport the night before. The night before Thanksgiving not being Cheat Day and all, I had to order something they called the Aphrodite bowl, which was a bowl of quinoa with roasted red peppers, tomato, cucumber, beats, gyro meat and tzatziki sauce. Not bad TBH, but it did not compare to this lasagna. Pasta for breakfast?! I'm thankful for THAT!

 

I got up to my aunt's place in the early afternoon and got right down to snackalackin'. Pretzels, pimento pub cheese, dill dip, french onion dip, crackers, SUGAR COATED CRANBERRIES! GOBBLE.GOBBLE.

We played a gin rummy variation called 5 crowns which included an extra suit, the suit of STARS. It was fun. I crushed beers (Coors Light and Mich Ultra) and Jameson Cold Brew after I popped a pot gummy. Ask me if I won the game. Go ahead, ask me! 

*sigh* "FartPinch, did you win the ga-"

NO! You IDIOTS I was TOASTED. I didn't win. I nearly LOST! Shortly after my brutal and embarrassing defeat however, was YOUR Point AND Pump OF THE CHEAT DAY!!!! *trumpet noise* "BUM BUH-BUH-BUM!" The THANKSGIVING FEAST. 

The point of contention surrounding Thanksgiving in particular is that no one likes turkey. There's a right way to do turkey (infrared heating egg after it had been injected with cajun season butter juice). At this feast it was not done entirely the right way, however it WAS good and I happen to be one of the few who likes turkey...at least as a vessel for gravy...because I LOVE gravy. Long story short, here are the dishes at FartPinch's Thanksgiving feast ranked worst to best:

7. Turkey - Just because it ranks worst, doesn't mean I don't like it. 

6. Cranberry Sauce - This is the best cranberry sauce I've ever had...and it's still this far back, so take that for what it's worth.

5. Mashed Potatoes - Standard, a beloved standard.

4. Warm Rolls - Great for dippin' into ANYTHING

3. Green Bean Casserole - I've really come around on this weird T-givs staple in recent years.

2. Gravy - "You doctors have been telling us to drink 8 glasses of gravy a day."

1. Stuffing - Not just any stuffing - "Corn bread and hot sausage stuffing" MOTHER OF GOD

OBVIOUSLY there's dessert. There was pumpkin pie... WHY?! I skipped that and went straight for the deliciously moist and glazed chocolate bunt cake. It was bomb as hell and a great way to cap off an actually outstanding ThanksCheating meal. Especially since I share most people's sentiment. The Thanksgiving meal in general is nothing to write home about and so often easily FUDGED ALL TO HECK. 

I jump into my aunts chilly pool during and oddly chilled Florida evening to shock my system back into go time. When it was all said and done, me and my crew limped home singing Christmas carols the whole GOSH DARN WAY. Tis the season now. Strap in. For on January 2nd it will be nothing but cold and darkness!

No measurement this week, it wouldn't be fair to my ever fluctuating body. Take care of yourselves. Taken care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

Jack Brown Can Ring My Bell, "Y Tu Mama?"

BluhDOW! Cheatereenos! Ya boy's back for another fat frickin Cheat Day! Who's fat?! NOT ME! Well...not AS fat! And all thanks to Cheat Day!

It's Cheat Day morn and I roll outta bed and onto a bowl of extra cheesy Cheez-Its. It's breakfast time after all and what goes good with Cheez-Its? CHEESE, you dumb donkeys. Sos I cuts up a nice chunk of cheddar to SLAP it on top of dem chee-Z crackers and cram as many in my mouth as I can before Slumlord Millionaire rolls out of bed his darn self and says, "HEY! Let's go to the store, we got liquor to buy!"

Heh Heh

"Yessir!" I reply and we head off to the store, first the grocery so I can get some Fruit. You know I love fruit, bananas, oranges, peaches, pineapple and strawberries. I eat most of it on the short drive to the liquor store where we get some extra booze to complete this week's cocktail of the week, the kitchen sink (more on this later). 

Once I return home I throw together a DELECTABLE 90/10 mimosa with some of that VERY nice fruit to garnish all while snacking on more fruit, cheez-its and this HALLOWEEN BAG of mini-twix! It's Halloween candy season people! GO AND GET IT! With that, breakfast is over! It's time for LUNCH.

Slumlord suggests Jack Brown's Burgers and Beer. At 11AM? Why THE HECK NOT! We cruise over to OLD JACK'S and the 5 person staff stops and stares at the site waltzing into their establishment. With weather this nice and a small audience I just have to peacock. Before reaching the patio I toss out a little spin move and finish with a hip thrust. Once at the patio I smack a kid's hamburger out of the little turd's hand then tussle his hair. I take the beer out of some fat slobs fist and finish it off for him. I delicately drag the tip of my pointer finger under the hostess' chin as I take my final steps into the bar where I leave my sunglass ON, of course, but snap off my bra, which supports my massive jugs, and I flip it up onto their chandelier!

We position ourselves in the middle of the bar and I DEMAND a Jack's Abby House Lager a "When in Roam" burger and a side of Mac n' Cheese. "On the double! I've got other things to eat, by God! It is Cheat Day after all!" And the staff works vigorously to bring me my victuals. Once they hear those hallowed words, they do know this is serious!

                        

The burger is bomb. It beats the Cobra Burger, for my money. The "When in Roam" is a new Thursday special they are just "trying out" and it comes topped with chipotle pimento cheese, American cheese, crispy fried onions, and jalapeno bacon jam. I love a bunch of SLOP on my burger. I SLOP IT UP. And, I can attest to their basic burger as that is what Slumlord Millionaire eats. He too, is beyond satisfied by the flavor AND portions. 

BUT THEY DON'T STOP THERE. The Mac and Cheese is dope as hell. Perfect burger joint mac, no frills, nothing fancy, just creamy cheesey deliciousness. They give every diner a giant squirt bottle of their sauce (a gourmet version of McDonald's Big Mac Sauce...I smell a trend burger bars) but it's perfect for the deliciously crispy crinkle fries and the occasional dip of the burger. Then, to cap it off, they sell fried oreos individually, which makes the perfect capper to a Cheat Day lunch. Bravo, Jack Brown's...BRAVO.

Saturday might be Cheat Day but sometimes it's ALSO for the boys. Slumlord Millionaire and I head back to the pad to put on some cute tanks and booty shorts so we can power wash the property and give the neighbors a show while we're at it. All the while we pound Peronis and Chug Miller Lites out of the baseball bat. A pretty nice little Cheat Day. 

When the work (and the group shower) is done, it's time again for fun. Before going off to our next stop we mix up our COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK! This week it's a Kitchen Sink (which we discover is really more of a shooter: rye whiskey, gin, peach brandy, lemon juice, orange juice, powdered sugar and 1 egg shaken vigorously in ice and strained into glass. I give it a measly C-.

Now, we head to The Veil brewery where they house a little Taco Joint known as "Y Tu Mama." Former college roommates and Cheat Day fanatics, OmmBeautiful and OmmBeautifuller meet us there. I've drank at The Veil a bunch and usually I'd say their beer is overrated. There's a lot of Breweries in town and that's just not the best, for my money, like their reputation...and locations might otherwise dictate. But, with this trip I am pleasantly surprised. The Veil's Pilsner, called "Deep," actually tastes like a Pilsner this time and their nearly 10% ABV "Tomb Tomb" IPA is surprisingly refreshing. 

HOWEVER, the MAIN EVENT. AND. My POINT AND PUMP of the Week! Goes to Y. Tu. MAMA! (AIR HORN x 3!) I get carnitas tacos (per slumlord's rec) I get the gypsy quesadilla (per the OmBeautifuls rec) and they are both a hit. The carnitas was juicy and crispy and the hot sauce and consomme were TO DIE FOR. I'm a dip man, what can I say?! The gypsy quessadilla had cheese grilled to the outside of it! Such a Taco Bell move...and I FRIGGIN LOVE Taco Bell. This this is filled with guajillo chicken, bacon, pineapple, and fresh onion and it's EXCELLENT. I simply must go back. Then again, as ya'll know I love mexican food, I love tex mex, I love cheese, I love sauce. This place does it all wonderfully.

NEXT! My little crew recommends a little soft serve. Serve me up BABY and I'll spike it right down my big fat face! Lucky for Cheat Day it's not even a block away. We stumble our way to Charm School Study Hall, which is a little window on the side of a building that serves up vanilla, chocolate or twists (either dairy or vegan) with a variety of sprinkles, toppings and sauces. I choose twist (duh) with cinnamon streusel sprinkles and top it with some toasted mallow. Stuff was bomb, as you can see below I am in fact pointing and pumping. Do not be fooled, however, my official point and pump of this blog still belongs to Y Tu Mama. 

Felling mildly comatic I sit down for a while...with a Miller Lite in my hand, some Cheez-Its, and this pimento cheese for dipping. The thought to throw in the towel crosses my mind. This ol'food hole might be closing things down early this Cheat Day. I'm sorry Ommbeautifuls...this week might be my weakest week yet. When, all of a sudden, I hear the faint whistle of a sharp evening wind, a tumble weed blows by, and the sharp metallic sounds of spurs hitting the driveway. Good crow! It's the fastest gun east of the Mississippi swooping in to enjoy some fourth quarter Cheat Day!

This fast gun RALLIES the troops! "GET UP!" He shouts! "We're going to get us a COCKTAIL! And maybe some TACO BELL!"

"Y..yes sir Mr. Mississippi! Where to?!" I reply timidly and very full. 

"Hotel Greene is the spot for a cocktail." He says gruffly. 

"A hotel? If you say so." I unwisely question.

"AND INDOOR GOLF COURSE!" He shouts. "Now, LET'S RIDE!"

The busy staff of The Hotel Greene see us coming and they stop dead in their tracks, they know what kind of debauchery is about to descend on their otherwise uneventful Saturday night. We boys kick in the doors to the joint but are thrown off instantly by the cheerful greet of the bellhop checking IDs. He was dressed head to toe in, what else, GREEN. The lobby is lavishly decorated with prop suitcases, gaudy wallpaper, and faux works of art. The bar is both gorgeous and gorgeously stocked. The sense when first entering is one of frivolous whimsy. They sign us up for a little golf, seat us at a table to wait and offer to grab us some libations. 

I order up a Dickinson Square: Rittenhouse rye, Luxardo maraschino, Cynar, lemon, absinthe, angostura bitters. It really hits the spot and settles my stomach before this very serious game of miniature golf. The fastest gun east of the Mississippi orders an RVA Mule: Belle Isle Honey Habanero moonshine, which is quite spicy and because it is Cheat Day we order a spring pea puree flatbread which is also topped with prosciutto, grape tomato and mozzarella. It is lackluster. 

Before we shove off for our game we order a couple of Narangsentt Lager tall boys to golf with. The course is delightful. Its design and decorations and wonderfully executed, it's like we're playing golf on the set of a Wes Anderson movie. There are small miniatures exhibits hidden along the way, just peer into certain peepholes to find them. However, this design makes the course difficult to play. On some holes we are crammed into corners or smashed up against wells. 

HOWEVER AGAIN! They have staff walking the course asking if anything is needed! YES, DUH, Another GOSH DARN Narangsett, por favor! Next thing you know, the nice lady comes around the corner with our delicious beers and spills them everywhere, so she leaves us the half beers AND gets us two more. Everything's coming up Cheat Day!

We finish the course, pay the tab...and head on our way to round out the Cheat Day with some...you guessed it...Taco Bell. This is only my second trip to Taco Bell since the start of this whole venture and I've learned something about Taco Bell. It ALWAYS scratches the itch. Even when it is disappointing. But yes, it can be disappointing. I'm finding that it is certainly best to limit my Taco Bell intake. One way to do that, is to avoid the Taco Bells at night. Not only is it worse for you then, but it is also more poorly constructed. 

After I finish my "modest" order of itch scratching Taco Bell I fall asleep like an angel on the couch, beer in hand. 3 Floyds Zombie Dust is this week's pass out beer of choice! I have sweet Cheat Day dreams for tomorrow it is the run of the mill daily waking nightmare that is Non-Cheat Day.

MEASURE UP!

NIPS: 48 1/4 (UP, 1 1/4 inched - Big FAT boobs needed a BIG FAT BRA, but only for a day)
HIPS: 42 1/2 (UP 1/8th of an inch, rockin' that PHAT ass too)
Belly Button: 44 (DOWN - most importantly - 1/8 of an inch)
PTB: 178 CM (peaCOCKing baby)

Alright everybody! Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

An RVA Cheat Day Number 1

Greasy Bag of Fries From Cobra Lounge

HOLY SMOKES Cheat fans! Thank you SO so So SO much for the warm welcome back! Like, your enthusiasm really is wind beneath my big fat ham hocks! Keep your energy and recommendations coming because I'm feeling BIG things are gonna be happening with this new rendition of Cheat Day. Don't Care. It's almost like Cheat Day is starting to care a little- Not a lot! Cause really Cheat Day don't give a fuck.

"BRO pull our kielbasas out of your pie hole and make us hungry would ya?!" FUCK! Fine! But first! drum roll please....................>>>>>>>>>>>>>...............>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>...............RESULTS!

So, you may or may not remember that in this round I am measuring myself as I attempt to lose inches off of my fat fat torso. The ultimate goal? A cheat day FEAST for your eyes! The numbers last week were:

• 47 inches round the nips
• 45 inches round the belly button
• 43.5 inches round the hips
• A 113 mm GNS - Body perception line

The day after Cheat Day this week, ONE WEEK later? I measured in at:

• 45.5 inches round the nips
• 43 inches round the belly button
• 42.5 inches round the hips
• GTP - Body Perception UP to 115mm! NICE

BOOM! Eat that you horseys, anyone that's a NEIGH-sayer will be referred to as a horsey hence forth. And it's only going to get better from here. "WOAH! NO FRICKIN WAY, Like what did your sexy ass eat to shave off those inches from your torso AND add millimeters some other random spot on your body in just one week's time?!"

Well...peep this horsey-ass cheat fans!

Expertly Wrapped by Yours Truly

I awoke at my home base in Richmond, VA with one SEXY ass man on my couch, so I just KNEW I'd have to make him some breakfast and FAST. Dope ass breakfast burritos - all around. Chorizo, egg, pepper, onion, pico, guac, sour cream, CHEESE, TORTILLA. While those cooked I housed an apple, some watermelon, and about 6 Entenmann's wax chocolate donuts...you know the kind? Always unsatisfying.

                         

"Oh OH! APPLE?! WATERMELON?! That's not very CHEAT DAY of you FART PINCH!"

Uh...uh...YEAH IT IS FUCKER! I can't eat tasty ass fruit during the week, DICKS. So I'm gonna EAT IT and fucking LOVE IT! Fruit is a treat you ignorant sluts and I treated myself to an orange later on in the day too and guess what?! I fucking LOVE IT. 

The home made burritos hit the spot, but it was time to get to beer. "FINALLY!" I hit up my brother and hung out in the heat by his above ground farm-feeder pool knocking back Carlsberg's like it was my calling. Crisp, delicious, low to mid-level go-to Carlsberg really hits the spot on a 100 degree days. 

After a couple of "pops" in the sun I was starting to build up a hunger. I've been hearing a lot of hubbub about the burger over at this place called Cobra Burger in my old neighborhood, Church Hill. It's mentioned on some TruTV travel/food show, it won some national burger award on "The Talk's - Food Face Off," and it was brought up several times by some local Richmonders. Two of said Richmonders met me there to enjoy another burger themselves. This is a good sign.

I'm big on burgers. As a darn tootin' 'Merican it's GOT to be one of my favorite all time dishes. I've had some memorable burgs in my day and this one is supposed to crush them all. Well, let's get it out of the way up front. It didn't! Not because it wasn't good. IT WAS. It was a very good gourmet big mac. Worth the money and worth the trip. HOWEVER, I like my patties like I like my BOOTAYS: big, thick and JUICY. Cobra Burger cooks some, less preferred, THIN patties, stacks-em-up, and smashes! That's just not my way! 

Fries and Sauce

Their secret sauce is good especially on their fries which are also good, but reminiscent of long time burger magnate McDonalds' secret big mac sauce. It was messy, which I don't mind. I sometimes prefer my booties messy after all. The Richmonders who joined me turned the experience into a hangover cure and that seemed to work out pretty well for them, so take that for what it's worth. I give it all a pump, but no point. 

Satisfied, I left Cobra Burger and carried on with my Cheat Day. That sex god who was sleeping on my couch from earlier is in town for some band practice, which we had at Orbital Music Park with another SEX god and long time food pal, who for my money is the fastest gun east of the Mississippi!

After band practice the two sex gods and I reconvened back at home base where I made a round of Cheat Day cocktails. This week's drink? The Aviation: Gin, Peach Brandy, Lemon Juice, and maraschino. It was a fruity and tangy ice cold treat for this hot JULY day. Along, with the cocktails? I pulled out some cheese and what was left of the watermelon. This Cheat Day's cheese? Buffalo MOOZUHDEL (mozzarella) and sharp and stinky (reminiscent of sweaty crotch) provolone. YUM YUM in my quickly shrinking TUM TUM. 

That's not all buster ass cheatsters! We've got another restaurant to get to for dinner! Aka meal number 3! AKA the second to last meal of the day! Little Nickle is the place. It's a tiki-esque hawaiian themed cocktail bar and restaurant. PERF. Just different enough from the burger and the breakfast burrito, but boasting flavorful cheat worthy drinks and dishes. But THEN, all of sudden, like firm swift punch to the gut: BOOM! No AC. It was hot in there... and we stayed. 

"YOU MORONS!"

Cosmic Love

I know! It gets worse! We order, we sweat. Our drinks get there. A round of beers for the amateurs. For Me? Their frozen beverage, the Cosmic Love. In that heat, mixed with its apt description for my affinity for Cheat Day, it was the OBVIOUS choice and really quite tasty and very refreshing. 

FOR FOOD! I ordered what was DEMANDED of me! Hawaiian Nachos was an amazing amount of food for the price. Roasted pork, pickled onions, jalapenos, crema on top and YES, SMOTHERED in queso sauce. The ONLY way any place should serve nachos? Spread white queso sauce over every bite. MmmmmM! I could eat it forever.

 Then...the pupu platter. The exact opposite deal as the nachos. An over priced, modest array of gourmet taquitos, crab rangoon, meat skewers, chicken wings, etc. I feel like they charged us $15 just to light an unnecessary fire in the middle of the tray. Don't do it. Get the nachos.

Overpriced

But then! A Cheat Day travesty for the ages. My table mates DID NOT receive their food due to a wait staff error! "GASP!" I know...They ordered the lamb Philly Cheesesteak because they had it before and loved it. It was never entered in the system!!!

NOOOOOOOOO! It was getting heated in there, lemme tell ya, which as you can imagine brought us dangerously close to HELLish temperatures. BUT, the wait staff member admitted their mistake and offered my table mates a free slice of pie. Perfectly handled really, all said and done. 

Nachos at Veil

With obstacles come opportunities. This opened up the idea of going to YET ANOTHER location so that my dinning guests could actually have some dinner. The chosen spot? Veil Brewery which has a small Mexican kitchen attached. They got the nachos, I had one. It was good. This will be a future Cheat Day visit, no diggity. Their Pilsner was meh though. A little too much hops taste on a Pilsner for my liking, keep that shit in your stinky IPAs. 

As Luck would have it the fastest gun east of the Mississippi was driving my drunk ass home and he can be JUST as diabolical as me. Knowing Cheat Day had just a few more hours left he stops at 7-11 for some taquitos and candy. BOOM! A Cheat Day nightcap and another Cheat Day for the books! 

"GOOD GOD you disgusting creep! How could you do that to yourself?!"

What, you mean shave TWO INCHES OF FAT off of my slowly slimming body thus giving my heart less strenuous work to do?! Yeah! Yeah, that's right! Check yerself fam. 

Until next time! Take care of yourselves, take care of each other and eat like your life depended on it.

ELE,

Zach