Universal Yums, Dry January, The Godfather and Costco Lasagna

Welcome BACK Cheat Fans to yet another edition of Cheat Day. Don't Care. It is the last Cheat Day of Dry January and I must say I have truly enjoyed my sobriety. Maybe not enough to make it a full time thing, but maybe to make it a MORE time thing. That's for sure. Boy this month seemed to go on and on forever, and I have not drinkin' to thank for that! So, if I want my life to just go on and on forever why then maybe I'll just have to stop drinkin' all together. We'll see!...Yeah...we'll see.

"Woah, hey, you alright there FartPinch?!"

Yeah, I'm good, ya know it! I could use a drink though I'll tell ya that! NOW! Time to get to the nitty gritty of this binge-worthy Cheat Day! NOMNOMNOMNOM!

I woke up to a somewhat new treat/surprise for me! A UNIVERSAL YUMS box! Universal Yums, for the uninitiated is a monthly subscription by which some internet nerds assemble a box of delicious snacks all from a particular country. This month's yums came from Austria! I quite liked Austria's snacks and I am even more encouraged to visit there as my favorite beer of all time hails from there as well. 

Here are the Austrian snacks from Universal yums RANKED, by this rank ass old fool:

1. Auer - A crispy wafer crunch exterior with a DELICIOUS chocolatey interior. Crunch, chocolate, smooth, delicious.

2. Filinchen - Paprika Flavored pea snack. Crispy and zesty! Plus it can be eaten on not Cheat Day!

3. Bobby - A chocolatey caramel bar. Basically a better Milky Way.

4. Waffelz - Cheesecake flavored wafers. I hate cheesecake I LOVE wafers. These tasted nothing like cheesecake. Sweet and crispy.

5. Big Banana - Banana filling covered with chocolate candy. I had high hopes for this one and it let me down big time. I'd still eat it if I were hankerin.'

Once I tried all the treats it was breakfast time. I smashed another cheesey roll from Fresh Market into my fat face, gobbled up a mini baklava from the wrapper, pounded a left over piece of cake and downed some not very great German fruit cake before it was time to hit up the farmer's market. 

The farmer's market was ol'FartPinch's kinda Farmer's Market this Cheat Day. Not only was a guy there making Breakfast Burritos, but there was this Turkish stand there selling these crazy ass things called sucuklu pide, which I roughly translate to a pizza boat. 

First things first though. The Breakfast burrito was baller. Dank AF, get my drift. I'd be happy to toss down a Hamilton for this fresh and flavorful take on my all time favorite food. I had the El Salvi, which contained egg, spicy chorizo, avocado, queso fresco and refried beans. It's a CLASSIC Mexican breakfast burrito and the ingredients were choice. HOWEVER, the thing was tiny. It was smaller than one of them little whack McDonalds Breakfast Burritos and it cost $10. If you're on a budget and you're HUNGRY. Don't fall for it. If you're flush and you want something tasty: visit them fine folks at Tito's Breakfast Burritos. 

After a fair bit of chorin' it was time for the Pizza Boat! I only tasted this bad boy, but I promise you I coulda eaten about 10 of them thangs! NAW'M sayin'?! Also, talk about wanting to visit places, Turkish food is quickly climbing the ranks into my...I'm gonna say it...top FIVE food nationalities. The bread was crispy on the outside, soft on the inside, the cheesy was melty and gooey and the sausage was indeed spicy! MMM, delish!

To wash it down, and to give a nod to my non-alcoholic bevy of the week, I had some Watermelon-Strawberry juice from Whole Foods. It's very sweet, very good. It is best served with lime seltzer.

Between lunch and dinner I got some more chorin' done and knocked out a weight lifting day so I got even more hungry. Before dinner I had to have myself a snack. So, I tackled this leftover potato salad from some work party earlier in the week. It's herb potato salad and it was heavy on dill. In fact, there was even pickle bits IN the potato salad. I don't want any other cold salad any more if in doesn't have dill in it! I also ate some sweet hawaiian rolls and I spread some marmalade on it. Because WHY?! I'm Paddington that's why!

 

Cheat Day's MAIN EVENT was a screening the the Francis Ford Coppola classic The Godfather. The Cheat Day pairing? Costco Lasagna, little garlic bread, a zesty pasta marinara and for dessert some out of this world cannoli dip with pizzells for the dipping. 

In fact! That cannoli dip with pizzelles gets this Cheatin Machine's POINT AND PUMP OF THE WEEK! AIR HORN AIR HORN. I don't even like sweet cheese desserts but the pizzelle offset any of that. What is it?! It's ricotta, its marscapone, it's powdered sugar and it's chocolate chips and it is diabetes BABY! Eat it up with a spoon! Or a pizelle! 

The lasagna was deece, the pasta sauce was spicy and great, the cheese and crackers is a Cheat Day staple and ALWAYS welcome. The garlic bread with pasta sauce on top really steals the show.

                                               

Back at home, as a night cap, I have a sliver of the seasonal Nightingale ice cream sandwich called, Cinnamon Roll! It's awesome! It tastes just like a cinnamon roll. It might instantly be in my top 5 Nightingales. If you don't know Nightingale, get to know 'em.

Before

NOW! Down to BIZNASS! I have come to the realization that this blog has become TOO MUCH about the fun of Cheat Day. You may not realize that 6 out of 7 days a week I am incredibly strict with what I eat. Because of this discipline I hope to gain a healthier and sexier body. To keep tabs on this, as of this year, I have begun weighing myself as well as measuring my body. 

After

The weigh ins (starting 1/5/2023) have been done on 4 different scales. I will detail which scale has done which weigh-in below. Here are the results from this Cheat Day versus the last Cheat Days. 

Weigh Ins

1/5/23 - Scale 1 (Drs. Office) 242.6
1/14/23 - Scale 2 (Beach House) 241.2
1/21/23 - Scale 3 (Home Base) 234.2
1/28/24 - Scale 4 (New Scale) 240

WOW, What a wild ride already. Luckily I can find solace in my body measurements. Here are my results from this week:

NIPPLES: 45 3/4 inches (1/4 inch wider than last week)
BELLY: 41 1/2 inches (3/4 inch SLIMER than last week)
HIPS: 41 1/2 inches (3/4 inch SLIMER than last week)

It looks like my belly and my hips are NECK AND NECK...or Gut'n'Butt...or something. I hope you enjoyed this week's Cheat Day...BUSTERS! Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
FartPinch

Bread and Cheese....CHEESE and Bread

DA FUQ is up BUSTIN' Azz Cheaters. It's on now! Another full fledged Cheat DAY comin' down yer pie holes! I'm holding steady at my current size. I'm fixin' to blame that on the Holidays. THERE! I said it! It's the holidays. So BASICALLY I'm Cheatin' to simply MAINTAIN the physical FATNESS I've achieved over the last 4 months. Come along and enjoy the last Cheat Day before the biggest Cheat Day in all of AMERICA...Thanksgiving!

The night before Cheat Day was a real PIECE OF POOP. At least THREE creatures stirred the whole night throughP. Yours truly completely ruined the night before Cheat Day by discovering he bought the wrong tickets to the wrong show on the wrong night. So, needless to say I was ready to MESS some Cheat Food up! My first stop is Sub Rosa, the brick oven bakery once visited in a former Cheat Day. YES it deserves a re-visit and I HOPE I POINT AND PUMP! I do, of course, but it doesn't get this week's official point and pump.

I scarf down a deliciously flakey and fluffy, yet standard, salami and cheese croissant, another delectable Turkish hot pocket, a zesty fig and cheese flakey fuqer, and THE WINNER - a seasonal cheese and green Turkish pepper croissant! I'd go back every Cheat Day if I could afford it and if I was in Richmond all the time. 

This simply isn't enough. I have to have MORE bread and cheese on Cheat Day. GRILLED CHEESE IT IS. So, my next stop is Trader Joe's because they have a nice cheap cheese selection. Trader Joe's is hell on earth on a weekend. Any of ya'll know what I'm talking about? I can't even remember what all I ended up with after I leave, because I spend most of my time dodging yuppies who like to stare into their phones while they shop and carry around a toy dog in one hand while haphazardly pushing their cart with the other. 

All I DO know, is I manage some ingredients for grilled cheese. You haven't had to wait long, the POINT and PUMP of the WEEK IS HERE with the GRILLED CHEESE alla FartPinch. It's Trader Joe's Cheddar, some kind of spicy Montery pepper jack, salami, a loaf of sour dough and salty Irish Butter. Simple melty ooey gooey cheesey goodness.

Oh yeah, why not enjoy a nice piece of buttered toast while I wait?! C'mon! We're talkin' bread and cheese OVER HERE! Plus aa decent, AFFORDABLE Pilsner from the Trader Joe's collection: Simpler Times. This calms the jangled nerves for last night's faux pas.

Also, while we're out, we snag some new Nightingale's Ice Cream Sandwich flavors from Perk! Cafe. I chase my cheese sandwich with a few different samplings of ice cream sandwich. Here are the new (to me) flavors in order from best to worst:

1. Chocolate Covered Orange - Pretty self explanatory, but dipped in chocolate, it has a special place in my heart.

2. Candy Bag - Halloween season's offering featuring M&M ice cream inside.

3. Red Velvet Cheesecake - Pretty good considering I fear any food with the word 'Cheesecake' in it.

4. Chocolate Peppermint Bark - SHOULD HAVE WON IT ALL! But, was SUCH a disappointment I am putting it dead last. 

NOW! After trying to work in a little exercise, #bufflikeme, It's time to go the the show I end up having SIX extra god damn tickets for! I paid for a little extra elbow room, and it was...kinda worth it, TBH. But, before that I enjoy some pretty alright and unique pizza (Cheese and Bread) and some Gluhwein (From Trader Joe's) with some good friends. 

My friend gets three pizzas from the best local joint in town, Galley Pizza's ranked from best to worst:

1. Salami with Fig Sauce - Zesty, a HINT of sweet in that fig sauce, unique, delicious.

2. Standard Pepperoni Detroit Style (Good bread makes for good Detroit Style)

3. Grape and gorgonzola - A weird Richmond combination that is okay for a slice, but I definitely don't want a second once I'm done...and THAT'S sayin' something folks!

At the show I knock back a few Miller Lites and a Hardywood Pilsner. I'm a Pilsner man, what can I say?! The show cleansed my soul and all the bad feelings I'd been feeling were washed away. Thanks again Tim Barry

And NOW! For the moment NONE OF YOU were waiting on. The WEIGH IN!

NIPS: 46.06 (DOWN 4/5ths of an INCH - SUCK ON THAT Holidays!)
BELLY: 43.13 (DOWN 1/4 of an INCH - suck on it some more HALLOWEEN!)
HIPS: 42.13 (UP 1/8th of an INCH - JUICY)

Welp, it's good to be back on another Cheat Day. Look out next week for my FAN TASTIC Thanksgiving Cheat Day!

Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
FartPinch OutMyButt

Ay Caramba McRib No Me Gusta

Effin H Cheaters. Even when Cheat Day ain’t much fun it’s the BEST day of the week. You know what I ended up having to do this Cheat Day? DO ya?! Well?! I had to WORK! Like what the HECK?!

It wasn’t terrible though cause there was Halloween Candy and store bought cookies. I ate em all up until I had me a lil’tummy ache. On my way to work?! Taco Bell Breakfast, that’s right! This time I did myself a favor and just ordered three items, rather than FIVE. Breakfast Crunchwrap, OBVIOUSLY, a so-so breakfast burrito and a Cheesy Bean and Rice burrito - my current staple. It really set me in the right mood for a working Cheat Day.

Like a true working stiff I chugged a Bud Light after I got back to home base before meeting a few folks at a Richmond Brewery, Final Gravity. It’s a staple brewery as well which normally serves a VARIETY of pretty darn good beers. 

Once sufficiently Cheat Day buzzed, the fastest gun and I went on a mission to find this week’s point and pump. It was a BEAUTIFUL day so we were in search for a patio. We set our hopes on the roof of the Quirk Hotel in Downtown VCU. We waltzed into joint like the two smartest boys in the world and asked the concierge to head up to the rooftop. Ya know what she says?!

“Sorry, it’s closed, we were told it’s too chilly up there.”

“TOO CHILLY?! Have you been outside?! In the sun it’s practically perfect!” I yell at her before remembering she’s just at work and she doesn’t know it’s Cheat Day. After quickly calming down The fastest gun and I decide to grab a quick cocktail at the bar. 

Quirks Old Fashioned is a tasty take on the classic and the fastest gun’s rosé and gin spritzer drink is the perfect fit for the beautiful sunny day. Why not get one more in before winter sets in, right?

With the sun setting and still now point and pump in my gut we find our go to, MEXICAN FOOD. There’s a place we’ve never been down town, called Ay Caramba. It’s got good ratings and it’s a Bart Simpson catch phrase so let’s see what they got. 

There’s a Quincinera taking up the whole restaurant. Does this deter us?! HELL NO! I push a little kid to the ground on my march up to the counter. The timid employee asks that I go have a seat in the adult section over at the bar. So that's what I do. 

I house a house margarita in about two gulps and sling the empty glass behind me knocking a kid smack in the head rendering her unconscious. The bartender is quaking like it's the old west and I order up a cerveza rapidamenté. 

Pretty soon our dishes arrive. They screw up the fastest gun's but they don't charge him for it. Classy. Mine? Get's the GOT DANG point and pump of the week. A Chicken Chimichanga fight be the cheatinest thing on a VERY Cheat friendly menu and it DOES NOT disappoint. It's deep fried shell is flaky and crisp. It's INARDS are soft and zesty. I could eat another one RIGHT NOW!

Finally satisfied and tired from the work day/work week I had to head home. But wait?! What was for dessert?! I had to snag myself a FAT Banana from Nightingales on the way. PLUS to complete an ongoing poll and discussion in my poker group’s text thread I had to stop and grab…

That’s right, a Mc-Fuggin-Rib. Now, I’m not a McRib fan. In fact, before this Cheat Day I could probably count on one finger the amount of McRibs I’ve had. But the shear volume and madness surrounding it’s re-DONK-ulous marketing campaigns roped me back in. And, YES, I include the praise vs. vitriol word of mouth in-fighting as a PART of their marketing scheme. It is not unlike the Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich word of mouth craze of 2019. 

So, I eat the piece of gym mat, covered in sauce and slapped between a split stale roll, and if you take a good look at my picture I think you can see and tell I’m not having a great time. As a real good buddy of mine put it: “it’s middle school lunch.”

To wash the gnarly taste out of my mouth I helped myself to about 3 house pours of Buffalo Trace and 6 Miller Lites. Finally, the cherry on top. The thing that really cleanses the palate. A nice FAT banana down the old pie hole!

Although quite busy for much of the day, that’s what I call a success! Not to mention my weigh in looks good! CHECK IT!

NIPS - 46.125 (A small BUSTY increase of .375 inches)

BELLY - 42.875 (A DECREASE of .375 inches, KEEP IT COMING.)

HIPS - 42.25 (A decrease of .25 inches) 

So, I’ve got a trip this week. So my usual weekly good behavior might be a little bit lacking. It’s looking like my next Cheat Day will just be another Cheat Meal, so…DEAL WITH IT! I’ll keep trying though. Keep plugging along. 

Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,

Zach

My First Cheat Meal in Charlotte, NC

Well Busters, I made it over half of Cheat Day without having any delicious delicious cheat food. I credit that MOSTLY to driving to Charlotte, NC but ALSO because as we all know I was one fat FAT FATTY last week and needed to punish myself a little more. 

I'm in Charlotte for a 50th birthday party for this dude I've never met. He's a rich guy and a former professional soccer player, so this party was dope AF. Cuban food truck, catering waiters walking around with treats aplenty, buckets of beer all around the yard, a table with piles of cigars and a bar fully stocked with top shelf booze. Did I just wander into heaven on my first ever Cheat Meal?! You be the judge.

Upon arrival the young children of the man of honor are bouncing, taking names and giving wrist bands and generally putting the heat on anyone who WAS NOT invited. Luckily, I know people. After introductions and some obligatory pics I swipe some fried rice balls and some mini cuban sandwiches from the waiters. 

More time goes by and I FINALLY make it for the bar. TEQUILA please and lots of it. All different kinds until it finally landed on Cava De Oro and it's GOT DANG delicious, I could drink it neat and I did. With that delicious warmth in my belly it's time to hit the Cuban Food truck. I get an order of whatever the hell this declicous stuff is:

It's some kind of sauced up meat over rice and I wanted more. But, instead I got some of this:

A full on Cuban Sandwich and some dank ass empanadas. 

The night goes on and fades away. I eat fruit and cheese from the charcuterie in the dining room. I pound beers from the buckets. I do my dancing duty. I smoke a cigar. I got REAL close to a burlesque dancer (stripper) getting naked for the birthday boy. And I was a sham-friend toasting champagne after signing happy birthday.

Another week has gone by without measurements. I promise I will get back to the metrics next week. Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach