Ay Caramba McRib No Me Gusta

Effin H Cheaters. Even when Cheat Day ain’t much fun it’s the BEST day of the week. You know what I ended up having to do this Cheat Day? DO ya?! Well?! I had to WORK! Like what the HECK?!

It wasn’t terrible though cause there was Halloween Candy and store bought cookies. I ate em all up until I had me a lil’tummy ache. On my way to work?! Taco Bell Breakfast, that’s right! This time I did myself a favor and just ordered three items, rather than FIVE. Breakfast Crunchwrap, OBVIOUSLY, a so-so breakfast burrito and a Cheesy Bean and Rice burrito - my current staple. It really set me in the right mood for a working Cheat Day.

Like a true working stiff I chugged a Bud Light after I got back to home base before meeting a few folks at a Richmond Brewery, Final Gravity. It’s a staple brewery as well which normally serves a VARIETY of pretty darn good beers. 

Once sufficiently Cheat Day buzzed, the fastest gun and I went on a mission to find this week’s point and pump. It was a BEAUTIFUL day so we were in search for a patio. We set our hopes on the roof of the Quirk Hotel in Downtown VCU. We waltzed into joint like the two smartest boys in the world and asked the concierge to head up to the rooftop. Ya know what she says?!

“Sorry, it’s closed, we were told it’s too chilly up there.”

“TOO CHILLY?! Have you been outside?! In the sun it’s practically perfect!” I yell at her before remembering she’s just at work and she doesn’t know it’s Cheat Day. After quickly calming down The fastest gun and I decide to grab a quick cocktail at the bar. 

Quirks Old Fashioned is a tasty take on the classic and the fastest gun’s rosé and gin spritzer drink is the perfect fit for the beautiful sunny day. Why not get one more in before winter sets in, right?

With the sun setting and still now point and pump in my gut we find our go to, MEXICAN FOOD. There’s a place we’ve never been down town, called Ay Caramba. It’s got good ratings and it’s a Bart Simpson catch phrase so let’s see what they got. 

There’s a Quincinera taking up the whole restaurant. Does this deter us?! HELL NO! I push a little kid to the ground on my march up to the counter. The timid employee asks that I go have a seat in the adult section over at the bar. So that's what I do. 

I house a house margarita in about two gulps and sling the empty glass behind me knocking a kid smack in the head rendering her unconscious. The bartender is quaking like it's the old west and I order up a cerveza rapidamenté. 

Pretty soon our dishes arrive. They screw up the fastest gun's but they don't charge him for it. Classy. Mine? Get's the GOT DANG point and pump of the week. A Chicken Chimichanga fight be the cheatinest thing on a VERY Cheat friendly menu and it DOES NOT disappoint. It's deep fried shell is flaky and crisp. It's INARDS are soft and zesty. I could eat another one RIGHT NOW!

Finally satisfied and tired from the work day/work week I had to head home. But wait?! What was for dessert?! I had to snag myself a FAT Banana from Nightingales on the way. PLUS to complete an ongoing poll and discussion in my poker group’s text thread I had to stop and grab…

That’s right, a Mc-Fuggin-Rib. Now, I’m not a McRib fan. In fact, before this Cheat Day I could probably count on one finger the amount of McRibs I’ve had. But the shear volume and madness surrounding it’s re-DONK-ulous marketing campaigns roped me back in. And, YES, I include the praise vs. vitriol word of mouth in-fighting as a PART of their marketing scheme. It is not unlike the Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich word of mouth craze of 2019. 

So, I eat the piece of gym mat, covered in sauce and slapped between a split stale roll, and if you take a good look at my picture I think you can see and tell I’m not having a great time. As a real good buddy of mine put it: “it’s middle school lunch.”

To wash the gnarly taste out of my mouth I helped myself to about 3 house pours of Buffalo Trace and 6 Miller Lites. Finally, the cherry on top. The thing that really cleanses the palate. A nice FAT banana down the old pie hole!

Although quite busy for much of the day, that’s what I call a success! Not to mention my weigh in looks good! CHECK IT!

NIPS - 46.125 (A small BUSTY increase of .375 inches)

BELLY - 42.875 (A DECREASE of .375 inches, KEEP IT COMING.)

HIPS - 42.25 (A decrease of .25 inches) 

So, I’ve got a trip this week. So my usual weekly good behavior might be a little bit lacking. It’s looking like my next Cheat Day will just be another Cheat Meal, so…DEAL WITH IT! I’ll keep trying though. Keep plugging along. 

Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,

Zach

Jack Brown Can Ring My Bell, "Y Tu Mama?"

BluhDOW! Cheatereenos! Ya boy's back for another fat frickin Cheat Day! Who's fat?! NOT ME! Well...not AS fat! And all thanks to Cheat Day!

It's Cheat Day morn and I roll outta bed and onto a bowl of extra cheesy Cheez-Its. It's breakfast time after all and what goes good with Cheez-Its? CHEESE, you dumb donkeys. Sos I cuts up a nice chunk of cheddar to SLAP it on top of dem chee-Z crackers and cram as many in my mouth as I can before Slumlord Millionaire rolls out of bed his darn self and says, "HEY! Let's go to the store, we got liquor to buy!"

Heh Heh

"Yessir!" I reply and we head off to the store, first the grocery so I can get some Fruit. You know I love fruit, bananas, oranges, peaches, pineapple and strawberries. I eat most of it on the short drive to the liquor store where we get some extra booze to complete this week's cocktail of the week, the kitchen sink (more on this later). 

Once I return home I throw together a DELECTABLE 90/10 mimosa with some of that VERY nice fruit to garnish all while snacking on more fruit, cheez-its and this HALLOWEEN BAG of mini-twix! It's Halloween candy season people! GO AND GET IT! With that, breakfast is over! It's time for LUNCH.

Slumlord suggests Jack Brown's Burgers and Beer. At 11AM? Why THE HECK NOT! We cruise over to OLD JACK'S and the 5 person staff stops and stares at the site waltzing into their establishment. With weather this nice and a small audience I just have to peacock. Before reaching the patio I toss out a little spin move and finish with a hip thrust. Once at the patio I smack a kid's hamburger out of the little turd's hand then tussle his hair. I take the beer out of some fat slobs fist and finish it off for him. I delicately drag the tip of my pointer finger under the hostess' chin as I take my final steps into the bar where I leave my sunglass ON, of course, but snap off my bra, which supports my massive jugs, and I flip it up onto their chandelier!

We position ourselves in the middle of the bar and I DEMAND a Jack's Abby House Lager a "When in Roam" burger and a side of Mac n' Cheese. "On the double! I've got other things to eat, by God! It is Cheat Day after all!" And the staff works vigorously to bring me my victuals. Once they hear those hallowed words, they do know this is serious!

                        

The burger is bomb. It beats the Cobra Burger, for my money. The "When in Roam" is a new Thursday special they are just "trying out" and it comes topped with chipotle pimento cheese, American cheese, crispy fried onions, and jalapeno bacon jam. I love a bunch of SLOP on my burger. I SLOP IT UP. And, I can attest to their basic burger as that is what Slumlord Millionaire eats. He too, is beyond satisfied by the flavor AND portions. 

BUT THEY DON'T STOP THERE. The Mac and Cheese is dope as hell. Perfect burger joint mac, no frills, nothing fancy, just creamy cheesey deliciousness. They give every diner a giant squirt bottle of their sauce (a gourmet version of McDonald's Big Mac Sauce...I smell a trend burger bars) but it's perfect for the deliciously crispy crinkle fries and the occasional dip of the burger. Then, to cap it off, they sell fried oreos individually, which makes the perfect capper to a Cheat Day lunch. Bravo, Jack Brown's...BRAVO.

Saturday might be Cheat Day but sometimes it's ALSO for the boys. Slumlord Millionaire and I head back to the pad to put on some cute tanks and booty shorts so we can power wash the property and give the neighbors a show while we're at it. All the while we pound Peronis and Chug Miller Lites out of the baseball bat. A pretty nice little Cheat Day. 

When the work (and the group shower) is done, it's time again for fun. Before going off to our next stop we mix up our COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK! This week it's a Kitchen Sink (which we discover is really more of a shooter: rye whiskey, gin, peach brandy, lemon juice, orange juice, powdered sugar and 1 egg shaken vigorously in ice and strained into glass. I give it a measly C-.

Now, we head to The Veil brewery where they house a little Taco Joint known as "Y Tu Mama." Former college roommates and Cheat Day fanatics, OmmBeautiful and OmmBeautifuller meet us there. I've drank at The Veil a bunch and usually I'd say their beer is overrated. There's a lot of Breweries in town and that's just not the best, for my money, like their reputation...and locations might otherwise dictate. But, with this trip I am pleasantly surprised. The Veil's Pilsner, called "Deep," actually tastes like a Pilsner this time and their nearly 10% ABV "Tomb Tomb" IPA is surprisingly refreshing. 

HOWEVER, the MAIN EVENT. AND. My POINT AND PUMP of the Week! Goes to Y. Tu. MAMA! (AIR HORN x 3!) I get carnitas tacos (per slumlord's rec) I get the gypsy quesadilla (per the OmBeautifuls rec) and they are both a hit. The carnitas was juicy and crispy and the hot sauce and consomme were TO DIE FOR. I'm a dip man, what can I say?! The gypsy quessadilla had cheese grilled to the outside of it! Such a Taco Bell move...and I FRIGGIN LOVE Taco Bell. This this is filled with guajillo chicken, bacon, pineapple, and fresh onion and it's EXCELLENT. I simply must go back. Then again, as ya'll know I love mexican food, I love tex mex, I love cheese, I love sauce. This place does it all wonderfully.

NEXT! My little crew recommends a little soft serve. Serve me up BABY and I'll spike it right down my big fat face! Lucky for Cheat Day it's not even a block away. We stumble our way to Charm School Study Hall, which is a little window on the side of a building that serves up vanilla, chocolate or twists (either dairy or vegan) with a variety of sprinkles, toppings and sauces. I choose twist (duh) with cinnamon streusel sprinkles and top it with some toasted mallow. Stuff was bomb, as you can see below I am in fact pointing and pumping. Do not be fooled, however, my official point and pump of this blog still belongs to Y Tu Mama. 

Felling mildly comatic I sit down for a while...with a Miller Lite in my hand, some Cheez-Its, and this pimento cheese for dipping. The thought to throw in the towel crosses my mind. This ol'food hole might be closing things down early this Cheat Day. I'm sorry Ommbeautifuls...this week might be my weakest week yet. When, all of a sudden, I hear the faint whistle of a sharp evening wind, a tumble weed blows by, and the sharp metallic sounds of spurs hitting the driveway. Good crow! It's the fastest gun east of the Mississippi swooping in to enjoy some fourth quarter Cheat Day!

This fast gun RALLIES the troops! "GET UP!" He shouts! "We're going to get us a COCKTAIL! And maybe some TACO BELL!"

"Y..yes sir Mr. Mississippi! Where to?!" I reply timidly and very full. 

"Hotel Greene is the spot for a cocktail." He says gruffly. 

"A hotel? If you say so." I unwisely question.

"AND INDOOR GOLF COURSE!" He shouts. "Now, LET'S RIDE!"

The busy staff of The Hotel Greene see us coming and they stop dead in their tracks, they know what kind of debauchery is about to descend on their otherwise uneventful Saturday night. We boys kick in the doors to the joint but are thrown off instantly by the cheerful greet of the bellhop checking IDs. He was dressed head to toe in, what else, GREEN. The lobby is lavishly decorated with prop suitcases, gaudy wallpaper, and faux works of art. The bar is both gorgeous and gorgeously stocked. The sense when first entering is one of frivolous whimsy. They sign us up for a little golf, seat us at a table to wait and offer to grab us some libations. 

I order up a Dickinson Square: Rittenhouse rye, Luxardo maraschino, Cynar, lemon, absinthe, angostura bitters. It really hits the spot and settles my stomach before this very serious game of miniature golf. The fastest gun east of the Mississippi orders an RVA Mule: Belle Isle Honey Habanero moonshine, which is quite spicy and because it is Cheat Day we order a spring pea puree flatbread which is also topped with prosciutto, grape tomato and mozzarella. It is lackluster. 

Before we shove off for our game we order a couple of Narangsentt Lager tall boys to golf with. The course is delightful. Its design and decorations and wonderfully executed, it's like we're playing golf on the set of a Wes Anderson movie. There are small miniatures exhibits hidden along the way, just peer into certain peepholes to find them. However, this design makes the course difficult to play. On some holes we are crammed into corners or smashed up against wells. 

HOWEVER AGAIN! They have staff walking the course asking if anything is needed! YES, DUH, Another GOSH DARN Narangsett, por favor! Next thing you know, the nice lady comes around the corner with our delicious beers and spills them everywhere, so she leaves us the half beers AND gets us two more. Everything's coming up Cheat Day!

We finish the course, pay the tab...and head on our way to round out the Cheat Day with some...you guessed it...Taco Bell. This is only my second trip to Taco Bell since the start of this whole venture and I've learned something about Taco Bell. It ALWAYS scratches the itch. Even when it is disappointing. But yes, it can be disappointing. I'm finding that it is certainly best to limit my Taco Bell intake. One way to do that, is to avoid the Taco Bells at night. Not only is it worse for you then, but it is also more poorly constructed. 

After I finish my "modest" order of itch scratching Taco Bell I fall asleep like an angel on the couch, beer in hand. 3 Floyds Zombie Dust is this week's pass out beer of choice! I have sweet Cheat Day dreams for tomorrow it is the run of the mill daily waking nightmare that is Non-Cheat Day.

MEASURE UP!

NIPS: 48 1/4 (UP, 1 1/4 inched - Big FAT boobs needed a BIG FAT BRA, but only for a day)
HIPS: 42 1/2 (UP 1/8th of an inch, rockin' that PHAT ass too)
Belly Button: 44 (DOWN - most importantly - 1/8 of an inch)
PTB: 178 CM (peaCOCKing baby)

Alright everybody! Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

Cheat Trip - Asheville, NC

Just a Couple Of Dogs on the Road

HOkay Cheaters, confession time. Cheatin’ life is a hard life. It is not for everybody. Every cheater cheats. Every cheater strays. It’s tough AF to cheat on a roadtrip. It’s also tough not to cheat. This Cheat Day, I was on the road 6+ hours of the day. That’s nearly half of my daily waking hours! Sure, there are cheat-tastic snacks your can munch on while driving, but you can’t GET DOWN on some real heart stoppers like you can in the booth of a greasy spoon. 

I’m telling you this to say I did what I could this past Cheat Day. So, sit back and enjoy the first Cheat Day Road Trip.                             

I BUSTED out of bed early, this time not just cause of Cheat Day, but because I got places to GO! I know I’ve got much of my day goin’ to the road so I waste no bidness. I cram a banana, and banana poppy MUFFIC and, inspired by Paddington the bear I make myself a marmalade sandwich on white bread and inhale it. While I lick the stickiness off my fingys I load the car up with road snacks purchased in preparation: oranges, cherries, bananas…gettin’ FRUITY today MAWfugs! I also loaded the bad boy up with twizzlers, junior mints, peanut butter cup filled trail mix and KETTLE COOKED mesquite BBQ lays potato chips. Ready Freddy? Let’s go!

         

I knew I couldn’t just skip town without more treats than this, so before hitting the road for Asheville, NC my companions and I make a stop local Richmond, VA bakery, Sub Rosa. This wood fired oven with a corner store ALREADY has a line out the door but it does not deter us. My good ol’companion, Sally Small Stomach, knows her way around a bakery so with a pat on the butt and belief in my heart I send her into the shop to order for me. She doesn’t let me down.

She comes out with a piece of quiche (as recommended by the internet), a peach/blackberry tart, a jalapeño cheddar pastry, a local honey and brie cheese pastry, a VERY fancy moorish spiced lamb hot pocket and a chocolate and raspberry croissant! WHAT THE FUDGE?! Now we’re cheatin’!

 

There’s no time to waste, so we bring the WHOLE box of treats into the car for the ride. We hit the road and Sally Small Stomach starts handing me treats one at a time and because I am driving I accept this method of cheat treat delivery. Each bite of each pastry is absolutely delicious. That jalapeño/cheddar pastry was so spicy and flavorful without being painful on the tongue that it caused me to break out into song, the moorish lamb hot pocket was so well spiced and tender that I could have eaten three of them. I, of course, did not. Each of these items was so crisp and fluffy and flakey that it left me the front of me a crusty ass mess. Because you Buzzfeed generation nerds like your BULLSHIT ranked here it goes:

1. Chocolate/Raspberry croisant - best croissant coverage I’ve ever had
   
2. Jalapeno/Cheddar pastry - Perfect spice level
3. Moorish spiced lamb pocket - I’m a savory guy what can I say.
4. Raspberry/peach tart - great seasonal combo
5. Honey/Brie Pastry - now I HATE brie cheese with a passion (FIGHT ME FUCKER!), so I can’t give this one a full rating, but they honey on that pastry was dope AF. 
6. Quiche - it was good, just overhyped by the internet… just another thing on the pile of things the internet ruins.

GREAT! Just 5 hours left on the drive, what do I eat now?! I told yer DUMBASSES I’ll be eating twizzlers, junior mints, trail mix, and TONS AND TONS of Fruit and It’s awesome. I ainn’t gonna kid ya. Fruit was something I seriously missed last week and fixed on making up for it this week. Cherries is a smart and delicious summer road trip snack. They got dem vitamins for ya, but also they be keeping your hands busy while you pop’em one at a time. Giving your tongue and lips a work out, NAW’M SAYIN?! If oranges aren’t in your top 3 fruits to eat any time anywhere then stop reading, you no longer get to enjoy my gluttony. Finally, bananas. Just eat them before they’re gone alight!

We try to stop at a country fudge stand somewhere off I-81 in the middle of Virginia but their dumb hillbilly asses were closed…mid day…on a SATURDAY! They done fucked up and forgot what day it was. I was about to break my bank up in that fudge stand. 

Undaunted by this minor set back my companions and I trudged on. We pull up to the little mountain inn where we would be staying and discover that there is an adjacent Taco Bell. It must be my lucky Cheat Day. This here is my 4th Cheat Day back on the horse and I no longer have the patience for no more Taco Bell, even though I am visiting a small country town specifically to indulge in their local fare I cannot deny myself a trip to the bell any longer. Not with one this close! I march my ass across the parking lot to the bell. The staff sees me coming. They start to sweat. I kick the door, the glass shatters. I step through take a big whiff and say, “Smell’s like it’s time for ya’ll to clean the bathrooms.”

To which the shift manager replies, “No sir, we saw you coming and Sandra pissed herself.”

“It’s been known to happen Sandra, go clean yourself up. I’ll make this quick. GIMME ONE A THEM CHEESEY DOUBLE BEEF BURRITOS with a soft taco SUPREME! Yes, it is Cheat Day, but I am here in your one horse mountain town for it’s other food so I will eat lightly…FOR NOW!” I tell the staff. With Sandra out of commission the rest of the staff take their sweet southern time making my two item order. Finally my name is called and I shove the old mountain uber-eats driver lady out of my way to retrieve my sack of bell then take it out the parking lot and take it to the house!

With a belch and a belly slap we move on to local southern grocery chain, Ingles, so I can finally get my ass some GOT DANG beer! I make myself a 6 pack of all NC beers and I drink them throughout the night. Some of you are beer fans and I can tell by the late night drunken messages sliding into my DMs so I’ll get this out of the way now. Here’s the beers (RANKED LIKE I’M A FUGGIN BUZZFEED QUEEN!)

1. Farmer Ted’s Blonde Ale - Delicious on a Hot Hike 
2. Little River - An easy sipper in a country hotel room
3. Camper IPA - Not a big IPA guy, but this one is easy peasy
4. Sunburst - Love the can and goes real nice with a hot shower
5. Hazy Heights - Not memorable
6. Green Man ESP - Just not very good IMO.

“Alright FartPinch, quit DICKIN’ us around with your lists and your FAST FOOD. You’re in a complete new place. Tell us where we should eat if we find ourselves unfortunate enough to be in Asheville, NC.”

You got it, dip shits! Next up?! McDonalds.  "Awww MAN! C'mon!" And I am NOT kidding. Not just any fuckin’ McDonald’s though! Do I look, act, write, and eat like a fuckin’ PLEEB?! No fucking WAY…well maybe a little. But THIS my friends is known as the world’s fanciest McDonald’s, located just outside of the Biltmore Mansion estate in Asheville. It boasts actual golden arches, a miniature grand/player piano, overly ornate indoor decor, and a staff dressed in tuxedo garb. 

“AWWW SHMACK! How was it?”

It was just like your BEST visit to any McDonald’s my friends, incredibly disappointing. Decor? Sure. But the staff was a bad McDonald’s staff at best, dressed so and all. There was a stupid mini-grand piano playing old timey piano tunes which was kind of fun, but not really worth making a stop into a McDonald’s for. The cherry on top, though, the mother fucking hot fudge sundae machines was “down” or “being cleaned” said the incredibly disgruntled manager. Now, I know this is supposedly a god damned conspiracy, according to the internet, but this really blows the whole thing wide open for me! If the WORLD’S fanciest McDonald’s can’t keep their GOD DAMN hot fudge sundae machine in operation? FUCK YOU lizard people! What’s really going on here?! Huh?! Keeping all the fudge all for yourself?! Not enough that you have 90% of the wealth you need 100% of the fudge too?! C’mon man! I’m no socialist, but this is ridiculous! 

Alright, stepping down, stepping off. Let me class it up a bit. 

The Grove Park Inn in Asheville is a classic and classy southern hotel and resort which boasts some of the most splendid views in all of the blue ridge mountain region. Just ask any search engine, they all say the same thing about the fucking views. They aren’t wrong, but get the fuck over it, alright, we get it, what else you got? We make it in time for a sun set cocktail on the veranda with the best dressed debutants in all of Asheville. My scotch gold rush was VERY strong and smokey, perfect for me. Cough cough. Sally small stomach enjoyed a Paper Plane, fruity and delicious. The booze hit the blood stream like a warm calming blanket. After the drink settled in my stomach I thought maybe it’s time for one more big meal. 

Asheville is supposed to have rather large and impressive food scene and so we scour many of the internet lists of best places to eat. This being Cheat Day and all I decide it should be highly Cheat Day friendly. Rocky’s Hot Chicken Shack showed up on ALL the lists and checked a lot of Cheat Day boxes for ol’Fart Pinch. It’s Nashville style fried chicken with dank southern sides and a full fuckin’ bar. CHEAT.DAY! We pull up to the shack and I slap my big cheat dick on the counter. 

“I’ll take 4 HOT tenders.” I tell the lady

“Our normal is hotter than most hots, just so you know.” She replies with a hospitable southern mask over her judgmental face. 

“Oh, is that so? FIVE HOT TENDERS PLEASE! With some Mac and Cheese and corn pudding on the side! I’ll have an order of fried pickles, cheer wine, one of your local “Pisgah” ales, and a GOD DAMN PIMMS CUMP while I’m at it!” I say with bravado! This is how a man eats on CHEAT DAY!

Rocky’s does not disappoint. It’s a great little indoor/outdoor eatery. Place your order, take your number to your seat and don’t wait too long for some delicious sides and some pretty spot on Nashville style chicken. Again, IF you find yourself in Asheville for some sad reason, this is worth a stop.

Perfectly satisfied with the Cheat Day and road worn I return to the hotel to finish day one my road trip and hope to god I don’t stray too far from the diet out here in the wilderness. Tune in next week to find out how THAT goes. BTW! This week's coveted point and pump goes to SUB ROSA from Richmond. 

Meanwhile, here’s how the diet is GOING! I bought a new ACTUAL measuring tape, so if this doesn’t MEASURE UP I blame the legit tape. I will be sticking with it for a few weeks with this new measurement device regardless! Without further ado, my measurements are!

NIPS: 48 inches (UP 2 inches from last week....uh must be the tape measure...AND Chest/Triceps day

Belly Button: 44.5 inches (UP 5/8ths on an inch from last week, not terrible considering the new measuring system)

HIPS: 42.5 inches (UP 1/4 of an inch - keep that booty TOIGHT)

GTP: Back down to 116 mm (getting a little frightened)

Road trips and vacations make this Slow Carb diet hard. Take a break but get back to it. Enjoy your travels. Say yes to things. Fuck shit up then rebuild. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other and eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,

Zach