2022 Recap No. 2 - Top 10 Places To Cheat

Oh god. Are we not over the fuggin holidays yet? We are. We ARE! It's over! Now what?! Now we get back to the drudgery. Hard work. No celebration. Just focus. Sounds great right? Or does it? It can be great! With a little thing called Cheat Day! If you happen to find yourself near one of my top 10 places to cheat in 2022 now that it's 2023 then treat yourself for a small reprieve from the day in and day out bully that is January, February and most of March. 

My top 10 places to cheat, THAT AREN'T AT HOME WITH YOUR OWN HOME COOKIN', are!

10. Taco Bell - Uhhh DOY, it's probably the place I've been to most consistently. You know what it is. You know what it has, even though it switches things up practically every month. Go and enjoy a little dog food for humans with some regularly.

9. Honeymoon Fried Chicken - There's gotta be a fried chicken joint on the list and this one was the most fun and the most fried.

8. Side Door Tavern - Attached to The Pub and The People, it's curated by the finest mixologist Warshington DC has to offer, named Ulf. Plus they offer some delicious grub compliments of the pub up above. Things like tempura battered cauliflower, a fine burger and some dank mac and cheese.

7. 2 Amys- Pizza joint of the year. A crazy good Neapolitan Pizza joint in NW DC. Worth the hype for their NEO Za's and the burrata and their wine. 

6. Everyday Sundae - Not just wicked good ice cream. A great service, a great ethic, and a friendly environment. Ice cream of the year!

5. Jack Brown's Beer and Burger Joint - A dive beer bar with the best burger of the year, IMO. It's punk rock sensibility and laid back friendly hipster staff make me feel right home and comfy while I knock back beer after burger after beer.  

4. Rooster and Owl - Fine dining that doesn't feel TOO pretentious. If you have the luxury of going with a group of 4 you can try every delicious concoction they have on the menu. Great cocktails, even better far out food. Bring money... or if you have one, a sugar momma. 

3. Sub Rosa - 2 Words. Baked Goods. This is a no nonsense bakery in a gentrified neighborhood of RVA that delivers on every item you'd like to try. Wait in line. It goes quick and it's worth it flakey munch munch. 

2. Union Market - Its a food mall. An OLD SCHOOL food mall. They've got classic stands from years past such as butchers, fish mongers, bakers, etc. They also have pop up stall for all sorts of restaurants: soul food, mexican, burgers, delis, pizzas, anything or EVERYTHING you might want on Cheat Day. A near perfect place to cheat. 

1. Country Style Donuts - A Richmond staple and the best donut there is. This is also the 2nd most frequented place I cheated in 2022. The donut is the perfect cheat day food and that is why this place gets number 1. 

Happy New Year Cheat Fans! BUSTERS! BUSTER BROWNS! Let's let 2023 be an even better year for cheaters like you and me! Take Care of Yourselves! Take Care of Each Other! Eat Like Your Lives Depend On It!

ELE,
FartPinch!

Ay Caramba McRib No Me Gusta

Effin H Cheaters. Even when Cheat Day ain’t much fun it’s the BEST day of the week. You know what I ended up having to do this Cheat Day? DO ya?! Well?! I had to WORK! Like what the HECK?!

It wasn’t terrible though cause there was Halloween Candy and store bought cookies. I ate em all up until I had me a lil’tummy ache. On my way to work?! Taco Bell Breakfast, that’s right! This time I did myself a favor and just ordered three items, rather than FIVE. Breakfast Crunchwrap, OBVIOUSLY, a so-so breakfast burrito and a Cheesy Bean and Rice burrito - my current staple. It really set me in the right mood for a working Cheat Day.

Like a true working stiff I chugged a Bud Light after I got back to home base before meeting a few folks at a Richmond Brewery, Final Gravity. It’s a staple brewery as well which normally serves a VARIETY of pretty darn good beers. 

Once sufficiently Cheat Day buzzed, the fastest gun and I went on a mission to find this week’s point and pump. It was a BEAUTIFUL day so we were in search for a patio. We set our hopes on the roof of the Quirk Hotel in Downtown VCU. We waltzed into joint like the two smartest boys in the world and asked the concierge to head up to the rooftop. Ya know what she says?!

“Sorry, it’s closed, we were told it’s too chilly up there.”

“TOO CHILLY?! Have you been outside?! In the sun it’s practically perfect!” I yell at her before remembering she’s just at work and she doesn’t know it’s Cheat Day. After quickly calming down The fastest gun and I decide to grab a quick cocktail at the bar. 

Quirks Old Fashioned is a tasty take on the classic and the fastest gun’s rosé and gin spritzer drink is the perfect fit for the beautiful sunny day. Why not get one more in before winter sets in, right?

With the sun setting and still now point and pump in my gut we find our go to, MEXICAN FOOD. There’s a place we’ve never been down town, called Ay Caramba. It’s got good ratings and it’s a Bart Simpson catch phrase so let’s see what they got. 

There’s a Quincinera taking up the whole restaurant. Does this deter us?! HELL NO! I push a little kid to the ground on my march up to the counter. The timid employee asks that I go have a seat in the adult section over at the bar. So that's what I do. 

I house a house margarita in about two gulps and sling the empty glass behind me knocking a kid smack in the head rendering her unconscious. The bartender is quaking like it's the old west and I order up a cerveza rapidamenté. 

Pretty soon our dishes arrive. They screw up the fastest gun's but they don't charge him for it. Classy. Mine? Get's the GOT DANG point and pump of the week. A Chicken Chimichanga fight be the cheatinest thing on a VERY Cheat friendly menu and it DOES NOT disappoint. It's deep fried shell is flaky and crisp. It's INARDS are soft and zesty. I could eat another one RIGHT NOW!

Finally satisfied and tired from the work day/work week I had to head home. But wait?! What was for dessert?! I had to snag myself a FAT Banana from Nightingales on the way. PLUS to complete an ongoing poll and discussion in my poker group’s text thread I had to stop and grab…

That’s right, a Mc-Fuggin-Rib. Now, I’m not a McRib fan. In fact, before this Cheat Day I could probably count on one finger the amount of McRibs I’ve had. But the shear volume and madness surrounding it’s re-DONK-ulous marketing campaigns roped me back in. And, YES, I include the praise vs. vitriol word of mouth in-fighting as a PART of their marketing scheme. It is not unlike the Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich word of mouth craze of 2019. 

So, I eat the piece of gym mat, covered in sauce and slapped between a split stale roll, and if you take a good look at my picture I think you can see and tell I’m not having a great time. As a real good buddy of mine put it: “it’s middle school lunch.”

To wash the gnarly taste out of my mouth I helped myself to about 3 house pours of Buffalo Trace and 6 Miller Lites. Finally, the cherry on top. The thing that really cleanses the palate. A nice FAT banana down the old pie hole!

Although quite busy for much of the day, that’s what I call a success! Not to mention my weigh in looks good! CHECK IT!

NIPS - 46.125 (A small BUSTY increase of .375 inches)

BELLY - 42.875 (A DECREASE of .375 inches, KEEP IT COMING.)

HIPS - 42.25 (A decrease of .25 inches) 

So, I’ve got a trip this week. So my usual weekly good behavior might be a little bit lacking. It’s looking like my next Cheat Day will just be another Cheat Meal, so…DEAL WITH IT! I’ll keep trying though. Keep plugging along. 

Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,

Zach

Jack Brown Can Ring My Bell, "Y Tu Mama?"

BluhDOW! Cheatereenos! Ya boy's back for another fat frickin Cheat Day! Who's fat?! NOT ME! Well...not AS fat! And all thanks to Cheat Day!

It's Cheat Day morn and I roll outta bed and onto a bowl of extra cheesy Cheez-Its. It's breakfast time after all and what goes good with Cheez-Its? CHEESE, you dumb donkeys. Sos I cuts up a nice chunk of cheddar to SLAP it on top of dem chee-Z crackers and cram as many in my mouth as I can before Slumlord Millionaire rolls out of bed his darn self and says, "HEY! Let's go to the store, we got liquor to buy!"

Heh Heh

"Yessir!" I reply and we head off to the store, first the grocery so I can get some Fruit. You know I love fruit, bananas, oranges, peaches, pineapple and strawberries. I eat most of it on the short drive to the liquor store where we get some extra booze to complete this week's cocktail of the week, the kitchen sink (more on this later). 

Once I return home I throw together a DELECTABLE 90/10 mimosa with some of that VERY nice fruit to garnish all while snacking on more fruit, cheez-its and this HALLOWEEN BAG of mini-twix! It's Halloween candy season people! GO AND GET IT! With that, breakfast is over! It's time for LUNCH.

Slumlord suggests Jack Brown's Burgers and Beer. At 11AM? Why THE HECK NOT! We cruise over to OLD JACK'S and the 5 person staff stops and stares at the site waltzing into their establishment. With weather this nice and a small audience I just have to peacock. Before reaching the patio I toss out a little spin move and finish with a hip thrust. Once at the patio I smack a kid's hamburger out of the little turd's hand then tussle his hair. I take the beer out of some fat slobs fist and finish it off for him. I delicately drag the tip of my pointer finger under the hostess' chin as I take my final steps into the bar where I leave my sunglass ON, of course, but snap off my bra, which supports my massive jugs, and I flip it up onto their chandelier!

We position ourselves in the middle of the bar and I DEMAND a Jack's Abby House Lager a "When in Roam" burger and a side of Mac n' Cheese. "On the double! I've got other things to eat, by God! It is Cheat Day after all!" And the staff works vigorously to bring me my victuals. Once they hear those hallowed words, they do know this is serious!

                        

The burger is bomb. It beats the Cobra Burger, for my money. The "When in Roam" is a new Thursday special they are just "trying out" and it comes topped with chipotle pimento cheese, American cheese, crispy fried onions, and jalapeno bacon jam. I love a bunch of SLOP on my burger. I SLOP IT UP. And, I can attest to their basic burger as that is what Slumlord Millionaire eats. He too, is beyond satisfied by the flavor AND portions. 

BUT THEY DON'T STOP THERE. The Mac and Cheese is dope as hell. Perfect burger joint mac, no frills, nothing fancy, just creamy cheesey deliciousness. They give every diner a giant squirt bottle of their sauce (a gourmet version of McDonald's Big Mac Sauce...I smell a trend burger bars) but it's perfect for the deliciously crispy crinkle fries and the occasional dip of the burger. Then, to cap it off, they sell fried oreos individually, which makes the perfect capper to a Cheat Day lunch. Bravo, Jack Brown's...BRAVO.

Saturday might be Cheat Day but sometimes it's ALSO for the boys. Slumlord Millionaire and I head back to the pad to put on some cute tanks and booty shorts so we can power wash the property and give the neighbors a show while we're at it. All the while we pound Peronis and Chug Miller Lites out of the baseball bat. A pretty nice little Cheat Day. 

When the work (and the group shower) is done, it's time again for fun. Before going off to our next stop we mix up our COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK! This week it's a Kitchen Sink (which we discover is really more of a shooter: rye whiskey, gin, peach brandy, lemon juice, orange juice, powdered sugar and 1 egg shaken vigorously in ice and strained into glass. I give it a measly C-.

Now, we head to The Veil brewery where they house a little Taco Joint known as "Y Tu Mama." Former college roommates and Cheat Day fanatics, OmmBeautiful and OmmBeautifuller meet us there. I've drank at The Veil a bunch and usually I'd say their beer is overrated. There's a lot of Breweries in town and that's just not the best, for my money, like their reputation...and locations might otherwise dictate. But, with this trip I am pleasantly surprised. The Veil's Pilsner, called "Deep," actually tastes like a Pilsner this time and their nearly 10% ABV "Tomb Tomb" IPA is surprisingly refreshing. 

HOWEVER, the MAIN EVENT. AND. My POINT AND PUMP of the Week! Goes to Y. Tu. MAMA! (AIR HORN x 3!) I get carnitas tacos (per slumlord's rec) I get the gypsy quesadilla (per the OmBeautifuls rec) and they are both a hit. The carnitas was juicy and crispy and the hot sauce and consomme were TO DIE FOR. I'm a dip man, what can I say?! The gypsy quessadilla had cheese grilled to the outside of it! Such a Taco Bell move...and I FRIGGIN LOVE Taco Bell. This this is filled with guajillo chicken, bacon, pineapple, and fresh onion and it's EXCELLENT. I simply must go back. Then again, as ya'll know I love mexican food, I love tex mex, I love cheese, I love sauce. This place does it all wonderfully.

NEXT! My little crew recommends a little soft serve. Serve me up BABY and I'll spike it right down my big fat face! Lucky for Cheat Day it's not even a block away. We stumble our way to Charm School Study Hall, which is a little window on the side of a building that serves up vanilla, chocolate or twists (either dairy or vegan) with a variety of sprinkles, toppings and sauces. I choose twist (duh) with cinnamon streusel sprinkles and top it with some toasted mallow. Stuff was bomb, as you can see below I am in fact pointing and pumping. Do not be fooled, however, my official point and pump of this blog still belongs to Y Tu Mama. 

Felling mildly comatic I sit down for a while...with a Miller Lite in my hand, some Cheez-Its, and this pimento cheese for dipping. The thought to throw in the towel crosses my mind. This ol'food hole might be closing things down early this Cheat Day. I'm sorry Ommbeautifuls...this week might be my weakest week yet. When, all of a sudden, I hear the faint whistle of a sharp evening wind, a tumble weed blows by, and the sharp metallic sounds of spurs hitting the driveway. Good crow! It's the fastest gun east of the Mississippi swooping in to enjoy some fourth quarter Cheat Day!

This fast gun RALLIES the troops! "GET UP!" He shouts! "We're going to get us a COCKTAIL! And maybe some TACO BELL!"

"Y..yes sir Mr. Mississippi! Where to?!" I reply timidly and very full. 

"Hotel Greene is the spot for a cocktail." He says gruffly. 

"A hotel? If you say so." I unwisely question.

"AND INDOOR GOLF COURSE!" He shouts. "Now, LET'S RIDE!"

The busy staff of The Hotel Greene see us coming and they stop dead in their tracks, they know what kind of debauchery is about to descend on their otherwise uneventful Saturday night. We boys kick in the doors to the joint but are thrown off instantly by the cheerful greet of the bellhop checking IDs. He was dressed head to toe in, what else, GREEN. The lobby is lavishly decorated with prop suitcases, gaudy wallpaper, and faux works of art. The bar is both gorgeous and gorgeously stocked. The sense when first entering is one of frivolous whimsy. They sign us up for a little golf, seat us at a table to wait and offer to grab us some libations. 

I order up a Dickinson Square: Rittenhouse rye, Luxardo maraschino, Cynar, lemon, absinthe, angostura bitters. It really hits the spot and settles my stomach before this very serious game of miniature golf. The fastest gun east of the Mississippi orders an RVA Mule: Belle Isle Honey Habanero moonshine, which is quite spicy and because it is Cheat Day we order a spring pea puree flatbread which is also topped with prosciutto, grape tomato and mozzarella. It is lackluster. 

Before we shove off for our game we order a couple of Narangsentt Lager tall boys to golf with. The course is delightful. Its design and decorations and wonderfully executed, it's like we're playing golf on the set of a Wes Anderson movie. There are small miniatures exhibits hidden along the way, just peer into certain peepholes to find them. However, this design makes the course difficult to play. On some holes we are crammed into corners or smashed up against wells. 

HOWEVER AGAIN! They have staff walking the course asking if anything is needed! YES, DUH, Another GOSH DARN Narangsett, por favor! Next thing you know, the nice lady comes around the corner with our delicious beers and spills them everywhere, so she leaves us the half beers AND gets us two more. Everything's coming up Cheat Day!

We finish the course, pay the tab...and head on our way to round out the Cheat Day with some...you guessed it...Taco Bell. This is only my second trip to Taco Bell since the start of this whole venture and I've learned something about Taco Bell. It ALWAYS scratches the itch. Even when it is disappointing. But yes, it can be disappointing. I'm finding that it is certainly best to limit my Taco Bell intake. One way to do that, is to avoid the Taco Bells at night. Not only is it worse for you then, but it is also more poorly constructed. 

After I finish my "modest" order of itch scratching Taco Bell I fall asleep like an angel on the couch, beer in hand. 3 Floyds Zombie Dust is this week's pass out beer of choice! I have sweet Cheat Day dreams for tomorrow it is the run of the mill daily waking nightmare that is Non-Cheat Day.

MEASURE UP!

NIPS: 48 1/4 (UP, 1 1/4 inched - Big FAT boobs needed a BIG FAT BRA, but only for a day)
HIPS: 42 1/2 (UP 1/8th of an inch, rockin' that PHAT ass too)
Belly Button: 44 (DOWN - most importantly - 1/8 of an inch)
PTB: 178 CM (peaCOCKing baby)

Alright everybody! Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

Still No Cheat Day...No Real Weight Loss Either

Hello what is left of Cheat Nation. I am sad to report that I've lost number one fan, Alex. I get it. If you can't take a Cheat Day blog from a guy who no longer CHEAT DAYS then take a break. But come on back with Cheat Day, because it will be back.

I am 2 weeks strong on the no drinking front. However, if I am to be perfectly honest, I have taken sips of friends beverages and that is it. Nowhere near drunk or buzzed or any of that. I still haven't really lost weight. BUT, I feel better and I've been exercising more, which is probably a direct result from not drinking any longer.

"What have I eaten to treat myself?" you ask? Well...it is SO much harder to remember when it doesn't all take place on one day. So let's work backward.

Yesterday I ate Taco Bell after improv class and then ate some famous Giamichael pasta aliche. Saturday I had a Cuban sangwitch at Dinner Diner. Friday I was good. Thursday I was good. Wednesday, I ate Taco Bell before doing two Stand-Up open mics. And then Tuesday was good.

Fuck, ya'll. I guess I'm pretty boring for you now. BUT, I am doing more stand-up, editing a web series, and I got cast in a production of Picasso at the Lapin Agile. So! I got that going for me! Just a couple more weeks til I can start drinking again! No worries everybody! I'll be back in full force soon! EATEATEATEATEAT like your life depends on it. Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other.

ELE,
Zach

A Laborious Non-Cheat Day

Good Day Cheat Fans! I hope you had a good holiday and I hope you didn't work at all, and if you DID I hope you didn't work hard AT ALL! That's what Labor Day is for after all, not working. So, if you worked on Labor Day and you are working today STOP, only for a few minutes and read this blog, Cheat Day. Don't Care. A blog about my Cheat Day adventures. If you have been with me for a while this is a new edition, a new week, a new cheat day. If you are just joining me, welcome! If you find this one boring, go back and read some of my far crazier adventures.

I had gained weight (2lbs bringing me back to 244) when I weighed in on what would have normally been my Cheat Day. In my last edition I had made mention of the fact that there would be no official Cheat Day for the next few weeks to a month as I drop drinking all together and attempt to focus my efforts for a wedding I am to be involved in this month. I have held strong on the no drinking which is great, BUT I have eaten a few off diet meals. Here is what and why:

Tuesday afternoon I went to a Cubs game (one of the hardest places to NOT drink mind you, they got guys BRINING YOU beer! C'mon!). Anyway, I totally ate Taco Bell before the game so I could get grub on the cheap. I got 2 Beefy 5-Layer Burritos and the new Double Stuffed Cheesy Gordita Crunch and before you fuckers ask, YES I got the nacho cheese Doritos loco taco shell instead of the plain old hard shell. I was disappointed by how stuffed this double stuffed CGC was, but that COULD be because the war zone that is the Wrigleyville taco bell is about to close down and their staff could give two shits about the food, customers, or Taco Bell in general. I think I'm going to try it again at a different Bell.

Here we can share my POP!

Once in the game Nicole Carter gave me a weiner with mustard and onions (ball park dogs are dank as fuck BITCH) even though I TOLD HER I was full from Taco Bell and didn't want anything else! I also ate a few of her fries and the rest of her soft pretzel, but I WASN'T HUNGRY I SWEAR! I just can't leave food behind which is a HUGE problem I have...YUGE.

THEN there was Wednesday. I ate pizza, Papa fucking Johns SHIT pizza cut into god damn Chicago/Midwest SQUARES and not slices because this city for some reason doesn't know what fucking pizza is!...because (sorry) I ate it because I went to the American Blues Theatre fundraiser that Liz put together and that came with the price of admission. I also drank a Sprite. I like Sprite. Oh, OH! Get this, PBR also came with the price of admission, and I totally didn't even drink one! SUCK ON THAT SALLY!

TAKE THE PICTURE!

Then I was pretty good for the next couple days until Sunday when I went to the grocery store and ate two donuts. I also drank a couple of Cherry Cokes. Then on Monday (Labor Day) just before the main event Liz and I got trapped in Margie's Candies from the rain...oh no, SO SAD, what a HORRIBLE place to be trapped...NOT. It was awesome. I got mint chocolate chip in a chocolate dipped with sprinkles waffle cone and Liz got a turtle sundae with birthday cake ice cream and a different kind of ice cream that I can't remember. Margie's Candies fucking RULES! Go get ice cream from there!

Then, for the main event! Logan's BIG SAUSAGE CHALLENGE!!!! BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM! Thanks Logan for making ME a judge! It was a delight. The Conner's are known for their yearly Chili Cook Off in February, but this year they thought they'd try a new challenge. This one was set up like more of a cooking show/challenge. This year there were two teams of 3: Team Law TBD and Team Art. The Law came in hard with a Korean/Mexican fusion sausage in your standard hot dog bun. The sausage was cooked to perfection, though the fusion was more of a FEUDsion as each food style kind of fought for attention with each bit. Then Art had to show up with their make shift sausage patty breakfast sandwich. It was a delicious sandwich, but the toppings: egg, pomegranate slaw, Brussels sprouts, and feta cheese kind of over powered the sausage patty a bit.

The Team of judges!

LOOK! I'm no foodie, I just like to eat dank ass shit, and DANK dis SHIT was. If they put it on again next year and you're around! Attend and partake in some delicious sausage concoctions!

Look at me go, trying not to Cheat Day but still sprinkling some cheat around whenever I get the chance! Here I come Cheeseman wedding! I'm gonna look so HOT in my TUX. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other and eat like your life depended on it.

ELE,
Zach