The Polar Bear Plunge

Brrrrrr ya Cheatin' azz Polar Bears! Are ya doing alright? Are you hanging in there? Do you even have any New Years Resolutions left to talk about?! For crying out loud Dry January is behind us! I'm still doing this crazy diet and for WHAT?! To look like this and better that's what:

Yeah, soak it in baby. That's me emerging from some ICY cold waters into ICY cold air this past Cheat Day. Never you fear, I went straight to drink and eat myself back to into a manageable body temperature! Let's get started.

Now, I was SUPER excited this Cheat Day morn'. Not just because I got to eat delicious food. BUT, it was my first day drinking of 2023! And day drinking I did. I started this Cheat Day with a Miller Lite. I know, I know not the most exciting drink in the world, but boy did this particular Miller Lite go down NICE and smooth. 

I chased that bad boy with a couple of white fudge covered Oreos left over from post-Christmas and some old Halloween candy left over from post-well-Halloween, duh. I didn't have much time to make anything extravagant for breakfast because it was time to get going to that Gosh Darn Polar Bear Plunge 2023 in Virginia Beach. Road Trip baby. 

Ya see this whole thing is Jimmy Mac's idea and so I meet the man at his place early. First things first, we've gotta fuel up with some caffeine. As we are verified BASIC AF we stop at the BUCKS. Now, I'm a black coffee man, but I just ain't going BLACK on Cheat Day. That's right! I've gone black and I am going back, sue me! Instead I get a sweet pistachio cream cold brew. Because it is a COLD cold Cheat Day my friends. I enjoy it in a matter of 10 - 15 minutes before it's SUCKED DRY. That oughta tell you how good it is.

Most of the way through the drive we stop at a Wawa to pee and I think to myself, "Why Not?" It's Cheat Day after all. Not to mention that, for my money, Wawa has got THE BEST gas station food on the planet. That's right, UP YOURS BUCKEYS! I buy myself a pre-made breakfast burrito, hash brown, pepperoni croissant (which I call a pepperoni pillow) and a little tub of Nacho Cheese.

I've GOT to tell you. That GOT.DAMN. pepperoni pillow is magical. In fact, I'm calling it early, it gets my POINT.AND.PUMP. of the week! If you find yourself in a Wawa, check out the hot boxes near the registers and if you SEE a pepperoni croissant sitting there, you buy it and you EAT it. Then, you go ahead and write to me and thank me with a tear-filled, heartfelt, letter of affirmation.

The Polar Bear Plunge was BONKERS. There were people everywhere. Our good friend Wawa is a major sponsor and they are handing out free soft pretzels, cookies and brownies. So, of course, I partake. (Cheat Day). There's a heated tent (thank god) as it is 26 degrees outside. There's a Tito's Vodka table serving up drinks, but the line is a mile long, so I opt for a beer from the Smartmouth Brewing Co. table instead, a Pilsner. It's alright. Nothing to write home about.

The time to plunge is upon us and Jimmy Mac isn't even registered! We ask around at the people wearing number bibs where to go to get registered. Apparently it's on the second floor of the ocean front Hilton across the boardwalk from the tent. You coulda fooled me since the signage was so freakin' non-existent. There were no signs about registration nor were there signs signifying that the building in question was the Hilton. Anyway, we got up to the registration room as it was emptying to get this big polar bear a number. 

It turns out they gave Jimmy Mac's number away to some group he wasn't a part of! What the hell?! It's about this time that I start thinking maybe Jimmy Mac isn't so excited about this and maybe he's trying to back out. But, we keep on keeping on. Other nearby friends join us. They are as confused as we are. Some friends say they just got through without a number. We try that route ourselves, but get stopped. C'mon!

Finally we just pick an open spot on the beach adjacent to the hullabaloo and run into the freezing cold Ocean on our own. WHEW! It is indeed invigorating! It is body, heart and mind awakening! It made that 26 degree air feel like 50 degree air! What a rush! I would absolutely do it again.

Once we were sufficiently plunged we quickly make our way to the inside of somewhere. In this case, it is Smartmouth Brewery down the street from the shore. I didn't much care for their Pilsner so I started with a sky high ABV Sunday Morning Mimosa Inspired Tart Ale. That kicked me into high gear. I chased that sucker down with a much more manageable Alter Ego Farmhouse Ale. I truly enjoyed both of these and it saved my opinion of the entire brewery. 

We couldn't leave VB without noshin' on some gnar, so we moseyed over to The Bunker Brewpub. Their beer was mediocre, although I did have some (Cheat Day). But, I wasn't there for that. I wanted SNACKS. We got fried pickles and loaded waffle fries for the table, both of which were hot fyre.

For my main course I was feeling burger. I got the jalapeno addiction, because I'm a SPICY boy. The BBQ sauce countered the spicy hot jalapeno relish beautifully. I give the burger and the potato salad on the side a solid A. Well done bunker.

Being drunk Polar Bears is tiring work so we decided it was time to get back to a safe place to hibernate. Jimmy Mac, our DD and I safely drove up the road, drinking roadies the whole way. Roadie of choice: Narraganset! A road trip blows by indeed when you're knockin' back Narragansets!

Safely back at home base I have a Ragged Branch Burbon night cap and some cold home made pizza, compliments of Jimmy Mac himself. Jimmy Mac's pizza is to die for and it will have it's own "Cheat Day. Don't Care." entry all to itself someday, you mark my words!

That booze hit hard, much like my head did the pillow after a day of libations such as these. Alcohol gets your goat good when you lay off it for a while like that. I recommend a nice long break for any serious drinker, just to see how she feels! I definitely found that I have felt great since stopping.

So great in fact...heeeeeere are the numbers!

Weigh Ins

1/21/23 - Scale #3 (Home Base) 234.2
1/28/23 - Scale #4 (New Scale) 240
2/04/23 - Scale #3 (Home Base) 234.2 (COINCIDENCE?! I THINK NOT!)

Measurements

NIPPLES: 45 1/2 inches (1/4 inch smaller than last week)
BELLY: 41 inches (1/2 inch SLIMER than last week)
HIPS: 42 inches (1/4 inch larger than last week)

SuhsuhsuhSUHWEET Can! I'm gettin' thin and fit. I'm old now! I can't be walkin' around with all this extra weight wrapped around me! Thanks Cheat Day! Alright everyone, take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
FartPinch

Jack Brown Can Ring My Bell, "Y Tu Mama?"

BluhDOW! Cheatereenos! Ya boy's back for another fat frickin Cheat Day! Who's fat?! NOT ME! Well...not AS fat! And all thanks to Cheat Day!

It's Cheat Day morn and I roll outta bed and onto a bowl of extra cheesy Cheez-Its. It's breakfast time after all and what goes good with Cheez-Its? CHEESE, you dumb donkeys. Sos I cuts up a nice chunk of cheddar to SLAP it on top of dem chee-Z crackers and cram as many in my mouth as I can before Slumlord Millionaire rolls out of bed his darn self and says, "HEY! Let's go to the store, we got liquor to buy!"

Heh Heh

"Yessir!" I reply and we head off to the store, first the grocery so I can get some Fruit. You know I love fruit, bananas, oranges, peaches, pineapple and strawberries. I eat most of it on the short drive to the liquor store where we get some extra booze to complete this week's cocktail of the week, the kitchen sink (more on this later). 

Once I return home I throw together a DELECTABLE 90/10 mimosa with some of that VERY nice fruit to garnish all while snacking on more fruit, cheez-its and this HALLOWEEN BAG of mini-twix! It's Halloween candy season people! GO AND GET IT! With that, breakfast is over! It's time for LUNCH.

Slumlord suggests Jack Brown's Burgers and Beer. At 11AM? Why THE HECK NOT! We cruise over to OLD JACK'S and the 5 person staff stops and stares at the site waltzing into their establishment. With weather this nice and a small audience I just have to peacock. Before reaching the patio I toss out a little spin move and finish with a hip thrust. Once at the patio I smack a kid's hamburger out of the little turd's hand then tussle his hair. I take the beer out of some fat slobs fist and finish it off for him. I delicately drag the tip of my pointer finger under the hostess' chin as I take my final steps into the bar where I leave my sunglass ON, of course, but snap off my bra, which supports my massive jugs, and I flip it up onto their chandelier!

We position ourselves in the middle of the bar and I DEMAND a Jack's Abby House Lager a "When in Roam" burger and a side of Mac n' Cheese. "On the double! I've got other things to eat, by God! It is Cheat Day after all!" And the staff works vigorously to bring me my victuals. Once they hear those hallowed words, they do know this is serious!

                        

The burger is bomb. It beats the Cobra Burger, for my money. The "When in Roam" is a new Thursday special they are just "trying out" and it comes topped with chipotle pimento cheese, American cheese, crispy fried onions, and jalapeno bacon jam. I love a bunch of SLOP on my burger. I SLOP IT UP. And, I can attest to their basic burger as that is what Slumlord Millionaire eats. He too, is beyond satisfied by the flavor AND portions. 

BUT THEY DON'T STOP THERE. The Mac and Cheese is dope as hell. Perfect burger joint mac, no frills, nothing fancy, just creamy cheesey deliciousness. They give every diner a giant squirt bottle of their sauce (a gourmet version of McDonald's Big Mac Sauce...I smell a trend burger bars) but it's perfect for the deliciously crispy crinkle fries and the occasional dip of the burger. Then, to cap it off, they sell fried oreos individually, which makes the perfect capper to a Cheat Day lunch. Bravo, Jack Brown's...BRAVO.

Saturday might be Cheat Day but sometimes it's ALSO for the boys. Slumlord Millionaire and I head back to the pad to put on some cute tanks and booty shorts so we can power wash the property and give the neighbors a show while we're at it. All the while we pound Peronis and Chug Miller Lites out of the baseball bat. A pretty nice little Cheat Day. 

When the work (and the group shower) is done, it's time again for fun. Before going off to our next stop we mix up our COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK! This week it's a Kitchen Sink (which we discover is really more of a shooter: rye whiskey, gin, peach brandy, lemon juice, orange juice, powdered sugar and 1 egg shaken vigorously in ice and strained into glass. I give it a measly C-.

Now, we head to The Veil brewery where they house a little Taco Joint known as "Y Tu Mama." Former college roommates and Cheat Day fanatics, OmmBeautiful and OmmBeautifuller meet us there. I've drank at The Veil a bunch and usually I'd say their beer is overrated. There's a lot of Breweries in town and that's just not the best, for my money, like their reputation...and locations might otherwise dictate. But, with this trip I am pleasantly surprised. The Veil's Pilsner, called "Deep," actually tastes like a Pilsner this time and their nearly 10% ABV "Tomb Tomb" IPA is surprisingly refreshing. 

HOWEVER, the MAIN EVENT. AND. My POINT AND PUMP of the Week! Goes to Y. Tu. MAMA! (AIR HORN x 3!) I get carnitas tacos (per slumlord's rec) I get the gypsy quesadilla (per the OmBeautifuls rec) and they are both a hit. The carnitas was juicy and crispy and the hot sauce and consomme were TO DIE FOR. I'm a dip man, what can I say?! The gypsy quessadilla had cheese grilled to the outside of it! Such a Taco Bell move...and I FRIGGIN LOVE Taco Bell. This this is filled with guajillo chicken, bacon, pineapple, and fresh onion and it's EXCELLENT. I simply must go back. Then again, as ya'll know I love mexican food, I love tex mex, I love cheese, I love sauce. This place does it all wonderfully.

NEXT! My little crew recommends a little soft serve. Serve me up BABY and I'll spike it right down my big fat face! Lucky for Cheat Day it's not even a block away. We stumble our way to Charm School Study Hall, which is a little window on the side of a building that serves up vanilla, chocolate or twists (either dairy or vegan) with a variety of sprinkles, toppings and sauces. I choose twist (duh) with cinnamon streusel sprinkles and top it with some toasted mallow. Stuff was bomb, as you can see below I am in fact pointing and pumping. Do not be fooled, however, my official point and pump of this blog still belongs to Y Tu Mama. 

Felling mildly comatic I sit down for a while...with a Miller Lite in my hand, some Cheez-Its, and this pimento cheese for dipping. The thought to throw in the towel crosses my mind. This ol'food hole might be closing things down early this Cheat Day. I'm sorry Ommbeautifuls...this week might be my weakest week yet. When, all of a sudden, I hear the faint whistle of a sharp evening wind, a tumble weed blows by, and the sharp metallic sounds of spurs hitting the driveway. Good crow! It's the fastest gun east of the Mississippi swooping in to enjoy some fourth quarter Cheat Day!

This fast gun RALLIES the troops! "GET UP!" He shouts! "We're going to get us a COCKTAIL! And maybe some TACO BELL!"

"Y..yes sir Mr. Mississippi! Where to?!" I reply timidly and very full. 

"Hotel Greene is the spot for a cocktail." He says gruffly. 

"A hotel? If you say so." I unwisely question.

"AND INDOOR GOLF COURSE!" He shouts. "Now, LET'S RIDE!"

The busy staff of The Hotel Greene see us coming and they stop dead in their tracks, they know what kind of debauchery is about to descend on their otherwise uneventful Saturday night. We boys kick in the doors to the joint but are thrown off instantly by the cheerful greet of the bellhop checking IDs. He was dressed head to toe in, what else, GREEN. The lobby is lavishly decorated with prop suitcases, gaudy wallpaper, and faux works of art. The bar is both gorgeous and gorgeously stocked. The sense when first entering is one of frivolous whimsy. They sign us up for a little golf, seat us at a table to wait and offer to grab us some libations. 

I order up a Dickinson Square: Rittenhouse rye, Luxardo maraschino, Cynar, lemon, absinthe, angostura bitters. It really hits the spot and settles my stomach before this very serious game of miniature golf. The fastest gun east of the Mississippi orders an RVA Mule: Belle Isle Honey Habanero moonshine, which is quite spicy and because it is Cheat Day we order a spring pea puree flatbread which is also topped with prosciutto, grape tomato and mozzarella. It is lackluster. 

Before we shove off for our game we order a couple of Narangsentt Lager tall boys to golf with. The course is delightful. Its design and decorations and wonderfully executed, it's like we're playing golf on the set of a Wes Anderson movie. There are small miniatures exhibits hidden along the way, just peer into certain peepholes to find them. However, this design makes the course difficult to play. On some holes we are crammed into corners or smashed up against wells. 

HOWEVER AGAIN! They have staff walking the course asking if anything is needed! YES, DUH, Another GOSH DARN Narangsett, por favor! Next thing you know, the nice lady comes around the corner with our delicious beers and spills them everywhere, so she leaves us the half beers AND gets us two more. Everything's coming up Cheat Day!

We finish the course, pay the tab...and head on our way to round out the Cheat Day with some...you guessed it...Taco Bell. This is only my second trip to Taco Bell since the start of this whole venture and I've learned something about Taco Bell. It ALWAYS scratches the itch. Even when it is disappointing. But yes, it can be disappointing. I'm finding that it is certainly best to limit my Taco Bell intake. One way to do that, is to avoid the Taco Bells at night. Not only is it worse for you then, but it is also more poorly constructed. 

After I finish my "modest" order of itch scratching Taco Bell I fall asleep like an angel on the couch, beer in hand. 3 Floyds Zombie Dust is this week's pass out beer of choice! I have sweet Cheat Day dreams for tomorrow it is the run of the mill daily waking nightmare that is Non-Cheat Day.

MEASURE UP!

NIPS: 48 1/4 (UP, 1 1/4 inched - Big FAT boobs needed a BIG FAT BRA, but only for a day)
HIPS: 42 1/2 (UP 1/8th of an inch, rockin' that PHAT ass too)
Belly Button: 44 (DOWN - most importantly - 1/8 of an inch)
PTB: 178 CM (peaCOCKing baby)

Alright everybody! Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

Cheat Day Mayo

Hola Cheaters! This past Cheat Day was also Cinco De Mayo! Unrelated to the holiday I was very busy on Cheat Day so there wasn't a TON of cheating going on really... But don't stop reading! There was also a ton of crazy silly shit happening throughout the day as well!

I awoke late Cheat Day morning and weighed in at 2 pounds lighter than last week's weigh in! The was despite the fact that I drunkenly ordered a beer...and taco bell...the night before, at about 3AM after Liz's opening of the AWESOME show she is in: American Blues Theatre's Buddy: The Buddy Holly Story. I guess I ought to make one thing clear for my Cheat Day fans. Cheat Day begins when you wake up and after you weigh in Cheat Day MORNING, not at midnight the night before. It is not a calendar day, it is a celebration! So, Liz and I woke up too late this Cheat Day to away to a local breakfast place for a nice Cheat Breakfast, as we both had appointments we had to keep in the afternoon.

Snack Montage

My appointment was a small, VERY indie, film shoot for a web series I co-created called "A Bit Touched," A "Chooch Chat" creation! It was our first shoot of this run and it was a blast and a half! Aside from starring in the episode I was in charge of props and catering (perfect for Cheat Day!). After I got to the location I dropped the props off and offered to run to a 7-Eleven for some snacks for the cast and crew. I brought my boy Andrew along to help carry. I got a bag of barbecue chips, a bag of new Taco Bell Fire Doritos, Tostitos scoops (to go along with the can of queso previously purchased for props), a bag of James Harden sneaker gummies, a case of Coors Light, and a case of water (ALWAYS a necessity Cheat Day or not). I also did what I always do in a 7-Eleven on Cheat Day, got Taquitos. I specifically bought 4 of them (ALL FOR ME!), 2 jalapeño and cream cheese and 2 taco and cheese...ya know for the walk back to the film location! NOMNOMNOM

Corn Dogs

Without giving a lot away about the episode (coming your way soon) there were corn dogs on the set, and lots of them. My costar, Anthony Giamichael, is eating corn dogs basically throughout the whole thing. He ultimately ate about 8 or 9 whole corndogs over the course of about a 5 hour shoot and it was hysterical. He was in great pain, and all the rest of the cast and crew were just cracking up. There was a moment in the episode where I also eat corn dogs and I made out of there having eaten about 4 myself (DELICIOUS and less hysterical). Corn dogs would never be my go to Cheat Day treat but I must say, I enjoyed them while I was eating them. I'd be singing a different song if I had to eat nearly 10 of them, but I rarely eat corn dogs and they are a nice treat on occasion and a bit of a change of pace. An American Classic! Also on set I drank about 4 Coors Lights and had 2 glasses of delicious Irish Whiskey.

Margaritas

After the shoot we had to drop our filming gear off. When we did I popped open a Sierra Nevada and pounded it before we turned around and hit the bar Nick's on Wilson where our friend Nick was tending bar! He made us a toight Green Tea Shooter thing that was sugary and delicious. He also mixed me up 2 DELECATBLE margaritas for Cinco de Cheat Day. I drank 2 other beers (one of which came with a shot of Malort...ugh Chicago amirite?) while we played Big Buck Hunter at the back of the bar (I suck at it). Nick got off work and led us to another bar where his friend was bartending where I got two more beers and another shot of whiskey...another beer filled Cheat Day nothing WRONG with that.

Lindo Guadalajara Exterior

Horchata

Cheat Day was coming to a close and I had been thinking about Mexican food all day (obviously!). I had decided that I would be going to one of my favorite late night spots for food, Lindo Guadalajara. This will also be my local spot of the week to review. This Mexican spot is open 24 hours a GOT DANG DAY, so it gets points for that. I have been here many times and they are always on top of things so this particular experience doesn't exactly dictate my over all rating of the food or establishment. I ordered a Horchata once I sat down. If you haven't ever tried this delicious milky-cinnamon beverage I recommend you get one and soon, it is a treat. Lindo's Horchata is a little light, which I actually prefer. I also ordered a chicken burrito suizo meal and THREE chorizo tacos. That's right! I went for it! If you couldn't tell by the rest of the description most of the cheat day was spent drinking not eating so I had to fill this tummy! And what happens next WILL shock you!

Chorizo Tacos

The Lindo staff had FORGOTTEN my burrito suizo dinner and JUST delivered me my three tacos like I'm NOT a big fat dude at the end of a drunken night over here! I wolfed those three tacos down in a flash and then awkwardly watched my friends, who had joined me at Lindo, finish their food. I was naively hoping that perhaps the staff did not forget my burrito completely but were just taking their time with it and giving it extra special care. They were not. The waitress did however catch my forlorn gaze and eventually waddled over and asked, "Oh! did you still want that burrito suizo?!"

Burrito Suizo Dinner

What I should have said was "YES GOD DAMMIT IT AND I WANT IT NOW! DO YOU KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS?! THAT'S RIGHT! CHEAT DAY! AND DO I LOOK LIKE I AM FULL TO THE POINT OF PAIN TO YOU?! NO I DON'T! SO GO BACK THERE AND TELL YOUR KITCHEN TO WHIP ONE UP FOR ME CHOP CHOP!" But what I said was, "Oh, yes please, and can you make it to go?"

They got me my burrito suizo even before my friends were completely finished with their meals. I did not crack it open to eat it their in the restaurant. I waited to eat it until I got home, like I ordered the burrito with a side of shame and I DID eat it while I watched episodes of "Last Man on Earth" from the comfort of my own home. This little mis-step aside Lindo Guadalajara gets a complete Point and Pump. They are doing the lards work being open 24-hours and serving up cheap but well flavored Mexican food!

Once the burrito was all gone I quickly passed out on the couch thus ending another epic Cheat Day! This week was a strange Cheat Day but TONS of fun none the less! I think it just goes to show that not every Cheat Day requires a plan. Sometimes you just have to go about your day and cheat where you can. It's about getting one (or four) for the walk, it's about eating some things you wouldn't normally consider, and of course it's about celebrating a holiday no matter how late it gets. Take care of yourselves! Take care of each other! And eat like your life depended on it!

ELE,
Zach Finch