An RVA Cheat Day Number 1

Greasy Bag of Fries From Cobra Lounge

HOLY SMOKES Cheat fans! Thank you SO so So SO much for the warm welcome back! Like, your enthusiasm really is wind beneath my big fat ham hocks! Keep your energy and recommendations coming because I'm feeling BIG things are gonna be happening with this new rendition of Cheat Day. Don't Care. It's almost like Cheat Day is starting to care a little- Not a lot! Cause really Cheat Day don't give a fuck.

"BRO pull our kielbasas out of your pie hole and make us hungry would ya?!" FUCK! Fine! But first! drum roll please....................>>>>>>>>>>>>>...............>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>...............RESULTS!

So, you may or may not remember that in this round I am measuring myself as I attempt to lose inches off of my fat fat torso. The ultimate goal? A cheat day FEAST for your eyes! The numbers last week were:

• 47 inches round the nips
• 45 inches round the belly button
• 43.5 inches round the hips
• A 113 mm GNS - Body perception line

The day after Cheat Day this week, ONE WEEK later? I measured in at:

• 45.5 inches round the nips
• 43 inches round the belly button
• 42.5 inches round the hips
• GTP - Body Perception UP to 115mm! NICE

BOOM! Eat that you horseys, anyone that's a NEIGH-sayer will be referred to as a horsey hence forth. And it's only going to get better from here. "WOAH! NO FRICKIN WAY, Like what did your sexy ass eat to shave off those inches from your torso AND add millimeters some other random spot on your body in just one week's time?!"

Well...peep this horsey-ass cheat fans!

Expertly Wrapped by Yours Truly

I awoke at my home base in Richmond, VA with one SEXY ass man on my couch, so I just KNEW I'd have to make him some breakfast and FAST. Dope ass breakfast burritos - all around. Chorizo, egg, pepper, onion, pico, guac, sour cream, CHEESE, TORTILLA. While those cooked I housed an apple, some watermelon, and about 6 Entenmann's wax chocolate donuts...you know the kind? Always unsatisfying.

                         

"Oh OH! APPLE?! WATERMELON?! That's not very CHEAT DAY of you FART PINCH!"

Uh...uh...YEAH IT IS FUCKER! I can't eat tasty ass fruit during the week, DICKS. So I'm gonna EAT IT and fucking LOVE IT! Fruit is a treat you ignorant sluts and I treated myself to an orange later on in the day too and guess what?! I fucking LOVE IT. 

The home made burritos hit the spot, but it was time to get to beer. "FINALLY!" I hit up my brother and hung out in the heat by his above ground farm-feeder pool knocking back Carlsberg's like it was my calling. Crisp, delicious, low to mid-level go-to Carlsberg really hits the spot on a 100 degree days. 

After a couple of "pops" in the sun I was starting to build up a hunger. I've been hearing a lot of hubbub about the burger over at this place called Cobra Burger in my old neighborhood, Church Hill. It's mentioned on some TruTV travel/food show, it won some national burger award on "The Talk's - Food Face Off," and it was brought up several times by some local Richmonders. Two of said Richmonders met me there to enjoy another burger themselves. This is a good sign.

I'm big on burgers. As a darn tootin' 'Merican it's GOT to be one of my favorite all time dishes. I've had some memorable burgs in my day and this one is supposed to crush them all. Well, let's get it out of the way up front. It didn't! Not because it wasn't good. IT WAS. It was a very good gourmet big mac. Worth the money and worth the trip. HOWEVER, I like my patties like I like my BOOTAYS: big, thick and JUICY. Cobra Burger cooks some, less preferred, THIN patties, stacks-em-up, and smashes! That's just not my way! 

Fries and Sauce

Their secret sauce is good especially on their fries which are also good, but reminiscent of long time burger magnate McDonalds' secret big mac sauce. It was messy, which I don't mind. I sometimes prefer my booties messy after all. The Richmonders who joined me turned the experience into a hangover cure and that seemed to work out pretty well for them, so take that for what it's worth. I give it all a pump, but no point. 

Satisfied, I left Cobra Burger and carried on with my Cheat Day. That sex god who was sleeping on my couch from earlier is in town for some band practice, which we had at Orbital Music Park with another SEX god and long time food pal, who for my money is the fastest gun east of the Mississippi!

After band practice the two sex gods and I reconvened back at home base where I made a round of Cheat Day cocktails. This week's drink? The Aviation: Gin, Peach Brandy, Lemon Juice, and maraschino. It was a fruity and tangy ice cold treat for this hot JULY day. Along, with the cocktails? I pulled out some cheese and what was left of the watermelon. This Cheat Day's cheese? Buffalo MOOZUHDEL (mozzarella) and sharp and stinky (reminiscent of sweaty crotch) provolone. YUM YUM in my quickly shrinking TUM TUM. 

That's not all buster ass cheatsters! We've got another restaurant to get to for dinner! Aka meal number 3! AKA the second to last meal of the day! Little Nickle is the place. It's a tiki-esque hawaiian themed cocktail bar and restaurant. PERF. Just different enough from the burger and the breakfast burrito, but boasting flavorful cheat worthy drinks and dishes. But THEN, all of sudden, like firm swift punch to the gut: BOOM! No AC. It was hot in there... and we stayed. 

"YOU MORONS!"

Cosmic Love

I know! It gets worse! We order, we sweat. Our drinks get there. A round of beers for the amateurs. For Me? Their frozen beverage, the Cosmic Love. In that heat, mixed with its apt description for my affinity for Cheat Day, it was the OBVIOUS choice and really quite tasty and very refreshing. 

FOR FOOD! I ordered what was DEMANDED of me! Hawaiian Nachos was an amazing amount of food for the price. Roasted pork, pickled onions, jalapenos, crema on top and YES, SMOTHERED in queso sauce. The ONLY way any place should serve nachos? Spread white queso sauce over every bite. MmmmmM! I could eat it forever.

 Then...the pupu platter. The exact opposite deal as the nachos. An over priced, modest array of gourmet taquitos, crab rangoon, meat skewers, chicken wings, etc. I feel like they charged us $15 just to light an unnecessary fire in the middle of the tray. Don't do it. Get the nachos.

Overpriced

But then! A Cheat Day travesty for the ages. My table mates DID NOT receive their food due to a wait staff error! "GASP!" I know...They ordered the lamb Philly Cheesesteak because they had it before and loved it. It was never entered in the system!!!

NOOOOOOOOO! It was getting heated in there, lemme tell ya, which as you can imagine brought us dangerously close to HELLish temperatures. BUT, the wait staff member admitted their mistake and offered my table mates a free slice of pie. Perfectly handled really, all said and done. 

Nachos at Veil

With obstacles come opportunities. This opened up the idea of going to YET ANOTHER location so that my dinning guests could actually have some dinner. The chosen spot? Veil Brewery which has a small Mexican kitchen attached. They got the nachos, I had one. It was good. This will be a future Cheat Day visit, no diggity. Their Pilsner was meh though. A little too much hops taste on a Pilsner for my liking, keep that shit in your stinky IPAs. 

As Luck would have it the fastest gun east of the Mississippi was driving my drunk ass home and he can be JUST as diabolical as me. Knowing Cheat Day had just a few more hours left he stops at 7-11 for some taquitos and candy. BOOM! A Cheat Day nightcap and another Cheat Day for the books! 

"GOOD GOD you disgusting creep! How could you do that to yourself?!"

What, you mean shave TWO INCHES OF FAT off of my slowly slimming body thus giving my heart less strenuous work to do?! Yeah! Yeah, that's right! Check yerself fam. 

Until next time! Take care of yourselves, take care of each other and eat like your life depended on it.

ELE,

Zach

My Maine Cheat Day (WEDDING EDITION)

Hello Cheaters! I went on a trip so I decided to write a travel cheat blog. Although I wouldn't call it cheating, by a DIET stand point. I stopped drinking alcohol for over 3 weeks and I CHEATED on that on my trip to Boston, MA and Portland, ME. So I am going to report to you about all the cheating I did on the trip! How's about that?! That's what I'll do! I'll let you know when I fasted from something and then CHEATED! We all like it when I cheat right?! RIGHT! SO LET'S FUCKIN' RAGE!

I flew into Logan airport in BAHSTIN MAAAAASS at around 9:45AM. Me and my bestest friends James and Christine got into a rental car with a broken radio that I later fixed and sat in horrific traffic on our way to the Cheers Bar. This is a subpar over priced tourist trap that I only recommend you go to if you love the show Cheers and TBH, you SHOULD love the fuckin' show Cheers cause it's a great show, and American classic, a 10 year long slice of life with something for everybody! Anyway. I got a Guinness. That was the first thing I drank to break my sobriety. A Guinness. I know Guinness kind of IS and certainly should be an all year round type of drink, but there's something about a Guinness in the autumn weather that just feels right, ya know?!

I also ordered a $14 meatball sub with fries that was...again, SUB PAR, it was cheesy as FUCK which was nice but there was like negative sauce on the bad boy. The fries were fine. I then noticed on the drafts menu that they offered a "Norm's Pils." Well, obviously, I had to get one of those and chug it as fast as I could and that's what James and I DID!

We didn't eat again for a while, and TBH we didn't really need to because beers and coffees and meatball subs are fucking filling YO. Next place we ate was called Nick's Roast Beef in the Boston adjacent town of Beverly. It was local, dem BOSTONIANS love dere ROAST BEEF. It was basically better, fresher Arby's. They DID have this side called "Broccoli Bites." Don't let the name fool you, if was fried spicy cheese with MINIMAL broccoli floating around in there. They were dank as FUG. For my main course at Nick's I got the Super Beef Plate which consisted of a FUCK ton of fries, a FUCK ton of onion rings and a massive and totally SAUCED Roast Beef sandwich on an onion roll. Good stuff.

James and I each pounded 4 more Guinness we pick up from a local liquor store and promptly passed out around 9:30PM. We were tired lil'bebes. We awoke the next day in Beverly, checked out the town's museum which was kinda cool then went to the local joint Clam Box of Ipswich on our way up to Portland. They boasted pricey boxes of the famed local New England fare clams, oysters, and scallops...ALL FRIED! Now, James HATES sea food, but he at it ANYWAY. The scallops RAWKED my fuggin SAWKS AWF kid. The clams were aight. It was expensive, but I always like to try the local cuisine no matter where I go! It's what they do after all, yer never gonna get it better!

When we got to Portland and we had some time to kill before we could get into our air bnb so we checked out a local lighthouse, very pretty stuff. The lighthouse was a feature at a state park that had lil'food truckies. "WHAT did the food trucks SERVER?!" you ask! Well fuggin' LOBSTAH Rolls kid and WHOPPIE PIES for CHRISSAKES! The Lobster Roll I got was Maine style with a lil mayo and a lemon wedge. Delicious to say the very least. BUT, at $20 a sammy that's not something I recommend anyone making a staple on their trip to New England.

The whoopee pie, for you sweets fans out there, is a Maine/New England dessert staple. It's a glorified Ho-Ho. It's delicious, but it's gigantic. Do yourself a favor and split it with someone, or you will be sure to crash from the the sugar over load.

James, Nick, and I went back to the rental house to get ready for the cocktail hour at local fancy Mediterranean chain, Tiqa. There was an open bar so I downed a couple Vodka sodas, ya know to be classy, before switching to Maker's on the rocks of which I about 4. HEY, I wasn't driving. OH SHIT, yes I was! But later, and then I ended up not. The cocktail hour featured hors d'oeuvres of the mediterranean style. It may have been the best falafel I have ever eaten.

That was all we needed, so we went back to the air bnb where ALL of our friends and family were waiting. Totally awesome bro Derek Shelton brought over this local cheap swill with a lobster on the can that was sub par, it was called Narragansett Fresh Catch. The only thing fresh about it was that it was...actually nothing, there was nothing Fresh about it. Otherwise, we drank Miller Lights til we PASSED OUT.

The next morning James and I had to go to the venue to help set up for the wedding and the reception. We woke up at 7:30, not very happy. We got there a little after 8 and stayed until about 2:30, sometimes working hard and most of the time sitting around waiting to be told what to do. We got coffee and donut holes to stave us off. DUNKIN KID!

When we finally left to get the man of honor ready for his big moment we picked up a sandwich trey, of which I ate 4! That's right 4 fucking sandwiches: 1 roast beef, 1 turkey, and 2 ham. I needed that I guess. The wedding was wonderful. Congrats to the happy couple. Go forth and kill it as adults, although if I may speak frankly Robert was always one of the most adult people I've known. More adult sometimes than my adults...but anyway, NOW he's officially an adult! Good on you brother! And congrats to the ever delightful Becca West for being great, finding a seemingly perfect match and knowing how to pick'em!

SHUT UP AND TELL US WHAT YOU ATE'N'DRANK!

Alright, easy readers! Geez. Just showing a little LOVE over here! GET USED TO IT! The post wedding cocktail hour had a bomb ass meat/cheese/humus spread. I tried not to eat too much because I knew if I did, I'd pass out. So I picked some meat and some cheese off of Liz's plate and started drinking vodka sodas. Dinner was some bomb ass BBQ from a place who's name I DID NOT get, but whatever it was wedding catering. I CRAMMED my plate full of corn, mashed taters, mac'n'cheese, pulled pork, beef brisket, and some so-so chicken. I topped it off with a giant piece of corn bread and slathered everything with a surprisingly spicy BBQ sauce. Everything but the chicken was out of these fucking PANTS good...as in get my DICK out of these fucking pants, I'm about to make some sweet love to some BBQ tonight! For dessert?! NO CAKE, we're MILLENIALS! We were served so donuts and delicious gelato. FUCK YEAH.

For the drinking enthusiast out there, I'll never understand how weddings work. Open bars, drinking all night, as much as you can, and when it's all said and done you just don't feel that drunk. What is that? Anyway, aside from vodka sodas I'd say I knocked back about 2 double bourbon on the rocks, 3 jack and cokes, and 2 gin and tonics. You gotta go with liquor when you ate a plate stacked with BBQ and 4 sandwiches.

The after party was at a weird place called Bubba's. It was basically a mixture between a club and a fucking flea market. Most of our group didn't want to go in so the few of us that did go in didn't stay long. We all drank one or two Miller High Lifes, did a little man on man grinding and left back to meet up with our house crew where we REALLY got to drinking: Bud Lights and Bud Heavys.

The next morning Liz had to be at the airport SUPER early (like 5:30AM) and I opted to drive her. I left the house in my under wear and under shirt and forgot my phone. It was a fun time getting back. When I woke up as it was time for ME to head back to Boston we stopped at some bagel place on our way out. I had a bagel breakfast sammy with ham and egg on an everything bagel that was PRETTY darn good. It didn't quite help with the hangover though, so once in Boston, Nick and I had way later flights than James and Christine so we hunkered down in a bar called the 21st ammendment and drank a little hair'o'the'dog in the form of PBRs and we split a plate of surprisingly delicious buffalo chicken nachos. I definitely recommend them if you find yourself in that dank old pit of a watering hole.

After our 5 hour stay at the 21st Amendment we ubered to Logan and we had about an hour and a half left so we knocked back 2 or 3 more airport pops before boarding our respective flights. All in all a great trip. I wish I had more time with everyone who was there. I wish we all lived closer together. But it sure is fun to be in cheat mode all the time with everybody! Okay, you know what to do. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and eat like your life depended on it.

ELE,
Zach