Universal Yums, Dry January, The Godfather and Costco Lasagna

Welcome BACK Cheat Fans to yet another edition of Cheat Day. Don't Care. It is the last Cheat Day of Dry January and I must say I have truly enjoyed my sobriety. Maybe not enough to make it a full time thing, but maybe to make it a MORE time thing. That's for sure. Boy this month seemed to go on and on forever, and I have not drinkin' to thank for that! So, if I want my life to just go on and on forever why then maybe I'll just have to stop drinkin' all together. We'll see!...Yeah...we'll see.

"Woah, hey, you alright there FartPinch?!"

Yeah, I'm good, ya know it! I could use a drink though I'll tell ya that! NOW! Time to get to the nitty gritty of this binge-worthy Cheat Day! NOMNOMNOMNOM!

I woke up to a somewhat new treat/surprise for me! A UNIVERSAL YUMS box! Universal Yums, for the uninitiated is a monthly subscription by which some internet nerds assemble a box of delicious snacks all from a particular country. This month's yums came from Austria! I quite liked Austria's snacks and I am even more encouraged to visit there as my favorite beer of all time hails from there as well. 

Here are the Austrian snacks from Universal yums RANKED, by this rank ass old fool:

1. Auer - A crispy wafer crunch exterior with a DELICIOUS chocolatey interior. Crunch, chocolate, smooth, delicious.

2. Filinchen - Paprika Flavored pea snack. Crispy and zesty! Plus it can be eaten on not Cheat Day!

3. Bobby - A chocolatey caramel bar. Basically a better Milky Way.

4. Waffelz - Cheesecake flavored wafers. I hate cheesecake I LOVE wafers. These tasted nothing like cheesecake. Sweet and crispy.

5. Big Banana - Banana filling covered with chocolate candy. I had high hopes for this one and it let me down big time. I'd still eat it if I were hankerin.'

Once I tried all the treats it was breakfast time. I smashed another cheesey roll from Fresh Market into my fat face, gobbled up a mini baklava from the wrapper, pounded a left over piece of cake and downed some not very great German fruit cake before it was time to hit up the farmer's market. 

The farmer's market was ol'FartPinch's kinda Farmer's Market this Cheat Day. Not only was a guy there making Breakfast Burritos, but there was this Turkish stand there selling these crazy ass things called sucuklu pide, which I roughly translate to a pizza boat. 

First things first though. The Breakfast burrito was baller. Dank AF, get my drift. I'd be happy to toss down a Hamilton for this fresh and flavorful take on my all time favorite food. I had the El Salvi, which contained egg, spicy chorizo, avocado, queso fresco and refried beans. It's a CLASSIC Mexican breakfast burrito and the ingredients were choice. HOWEVER, the thing was tiny. It was smaller than one of them little whack McDonalds Breakfast Burritos and it cost $10. If you're on a budget and you're HUNGRY. Don't fall for it. If you're flush and you want something tasty: visit them fine folks at Tito's Breakfast Burritos. 

After a fair bit of chorin' it was time for the Pizza Boat! I only tasted this bad boy, but I promise you I coulda eaten about 10 of them thangs! NAW'M sayin'?! Also, talk about wanting to visit places, Turkish food is quickly climbing the ranks into my...I'm gonna say it...top FIVE food nationalities. The bread was crispy on the outside, soft on the inside, the cheesy was melty and gooey and the sausage was indeed spicy! MMM, delish!

To wash it down, and to give a nod to my non-alcoholic bevy of the week, I had some Watermelon-Strawberry juice from Whole Foods. It's very sweet, very good. It is best served with lime seltzer.

Between lunch and dinner I got some more chorin' done and knocked out a weight lifting day so I got even more hungry. Before dinner I had to have myself a snack. So, I tackled this leftover potato salad from some work party earlier in the week. It's herb potato salad and it was heavy on dill. In fact, there was even pickle bits IN the potato salad. I don't want any other cold salad any more if in doesn't have dill in it! I also ate some sweet hawaiian rolls and I spread some marmalade on it. Because WHY?! I'm Paddington that's why!

 

Cheat Day's MAIN EVENT was a screening the the Francis Ford Coppola classic The Godfather. The Cheat Day pairing? Costco Lasagna, little garlic bread, a zesty pasta marinara and for dessert some out of this world cannoli dip with pizzells for the dipping. 

In fact! That cannoli dip with pizzelles gets this Cheatin Machine's POINT AND PUMP OF THE WEEK! AIR HORN AIR HORN. I don't even like sweet cheese desserts but the pizzelle offset any of that. What is it?! It's ricotta, its marscapone, it's powdered sugar and it's chocolate chips and it is diabetes BABY! Eat it up with a spoon! Or a pizelle! 

The lasagna was deece, the pasta sauce was spicy and great, the cheese and crackers is a Cheat Day staple and ALWAYS welcome. The garlic bread with pasta sauce on top really steals the show.

                                               

Back at home, as a night cap, I have a sliver of the seasonal Nightingale ice cream sandwich called, Cinnamon Roll! It's awesome! It tastes just like a cinnamon roll. It might instantly be in my top 5 Nightingales. If you don't know Nightingale, get to know 'em.

Before

NOW! Down to BIZNASS! I have come to the realization that this blog has become TOO MUCH about the fun of Cheat Day. You may not realize that 6 out of 7 days a week I am incredibly strict with what I eat. Because of this discipline I hope to gain a healthier and sexier body. To keep tabs on this, as of this year, I have begun weighing myself as well as measuring my body. 

After

The weigh ins (starting 1/5/2023) have been done on 4 different scales. I will detail which scale has done which weigh-in below. Here are the results from this Cheat Day versus the last Cheat Days. 

Weigh Ins

1/5/23 - Scale 1 (Drs. Office) 242.6
1/14/23 - Scale 2 (Beach House) 241.2
1/21/23 - Scale 3 (Home Base) 234.2
1/28/24 - Scale 4 (New Scale) 240

WOW, What a wild ride already. Luckily I can find solace in my body measurements. Here are my results from this week:

NIPPLES: 45 3/4 inches (1/4 inch wider than last week)
BELLY: 41 1/2 inches (3/4 inch SLIMER than last week)
HIPS: 41 1/2 inches (3/4 inch SLIMER than last week)

It looks like my belly and my hips are NECK AND NECK...or Gut'n'Butt...or something. I hope you enjoyed this week's Cheat Day...BUSTERS! Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
FartPinch

2022 Recap No. 2 - Top 10 Places To Cheat

Oh god. Are we not over the fuggin holidays yet? We are. We ARE! It's over! Now what?! Now we get back to the drudgery. Hard work. No celebration. Just focus. Sounds great right? Or does it? It can be great! With a little thing called Cheat Day! If you happen to find yourself near one of my top 10 places to cheat in 2022 now that it's 2023 then treat yourself for a small reprieve from the day in and day out bully that is January, February and most of March. 

My top 10 places to cheat, THAT AREN'T AT HOME WITH YOUR OWN HOME COOKIN', are!

10. Taco Bell - Uhhh DOY, it's probably the place I've been to most consistently. You know what it is. You know what it has, even though it switches things up practically every month. Go and enjoy a little dog food for humans with some regularly.

9. Honeymoon Fried Chicken - There's gotta be a fried chicken joint on the list and this one was the most fun and the most fried.

8. Side Door Tavern - Attached to The Pub and The People, it's curated by the finest mixologist Warshington DC has to offer, named Ulf. Plus they offer some delicious grub compliments of the pub up above. Things like tempura battered cauliflower, a fine burger and some dank mac and cheese.

7. 2 Amys- Pizza joint of the year. A crazy good Neapolitan Pizza joint in NW DC. Worth the hype for their NEO Za's and the burrata and their wine. 

6. Everyday Sundae - Not just wicked good ice cream. A great service, a great ethic, and a friendly environment. Ice cream of the year!

5. Jack Brown's Beer and Burger Joint - A dive beer bar with the best burger of the year, IMO. It's punk rock sensibility and laid back friendly hipster staff make me feel right home and comfy while I knock back beer after burger after beer.  

4. Rooster and Owl - Fine dining that doesn't feel TOO pretentious. If you have the luxury of going with a group of 4 you can try every delicious concoction they have on the menu. Great cocktails, even better far out food. Bring money... or if you have one, a sugar momma. 

3. Sub Rosa - 2 Words. Baked Goods. This is a no nonsense bakery in a gentrified neighborhood of RVA that delivers on every item you'd like to try. Wait in line. It goes quick and it's worth it flakey munch munch. 

2. Union Market - Its a food mall. An OLD SCHOOL food mall. They've got classic stands from years past such as butchers, fish mongers, bakers, etc. They also have pop up stall for all sorts of restaurants: soul food, mexican, burgers, delis, pizzas, anything or EVERYTHING you might want on Cheat Day. A near perfect place to cheat. 

1. Country Style Donuts - A Richmond staple and the best donut there is. This is also the 2nd most frequented place I cheated in 2022. The donut is the perfect cheat day food and that is why this place gets number 1. 

Happy New Year Cheat Fans! BUSTERS! BUSTER BROWNS! Let's let 2023 be an even better year for cheaters like you and me! Take Care of Yourselves! Take Care of Each Other! Eat Like Your Lives Depend On It!

ELE,
FartPinch!

Makin' GAINS...er Losses?

Good day all you cheat fans out there! What a Cheat Day it is! My my! It feels good to make great strides, busters. And this Cheat Day I've made the greatest strides since the start of the experiment. So, DID I cheat extra hard after seeing the results of my extended diet week from hell?! YOU BET YOUR HOT POT! FFFFfffffffOLLOW me!

It's 7:30AM and I peel my eyes open. I'm crashed out on my couch from the night before. It takes some serious effort to lift myself from the comfy comfy cushions, but I know deep down this is the first time I can touch sweet carbs and fats to my slut mouth since Thanksgiving so I find the strength. I riffle through my bag to find the measuring tape and I wrap it instantly around my svelte body. SUCCESS! My daily dietary discipline is paying off. Now! Let's see how quickly I can undo things.

There's a new lil'breakfast sandwich maker in the house, so why not start there. I make my own delicious Cheat'Muffin (Ch'muffin?) with a Thomas' English Muffin, egg and cheddar cheese. While I wait for the machine to do it's work I go ahead and grill up some mini quesadillas to toss down my wide open throat.  

What do I wash it down with?! A BREAKFAST BEER, DUH! Compliments of this Beer Advent calendar from Aldi. The beer itself is so-so. A very light but almost chemically Wheat Ale. Oh well, what are you gonna do?

OFF TO ROSIE CONNOLLY'S for the WORLD CUP! Awwww SNAP! USA got BOUNCED sadly, and so am I if I stay here any longer. But, I do enjoy a delicious Irish Coffee (with Jameson AND Bailey's) to kick it into high gear, a classic Ruben sandwich with a side of fruit, a complimentary piece of lemon pound cake and a bottomless glass of Carlsberg to wash the defeat away. 

After all of that commotion (and beer) I need a minute to lay down. While I lay around for most of the rest of the day I snack on some taquitos. You see, I need to lay and veg a while if I am going to rally for the evening's main event. TONIGHT I'm going for ALL YOU CAN EAT restaurant NUMBER 2! If you're a fan, you'll recall Fogo de Chao kicked my ass and I can't let the same thing happen here at Hot Pot 757. 

Hot Pot 757 is all you can eat Hot Pot and Korean BBQ. I show up with my CREW and they tell us it's an 1hr and 45min wait. PFFFF, no sweat baby doll. We'll just go cause trouble at your bar over there where we knock back bottle after bottle of Soju frightening families with small children using violent but empty gestures and eye contact. 

I never had Soju before. It's Korean alcohol, somewhat similar to wine in alcohol content but not so much in flavor. You drink it in shots. It's also magic. Besides it getting you pleasantly drunk in minutes it allows you to TIME TRAVEL. That hour and forty five minutes felt like just fifteen minutes thanks to good Soju...and good friends. 

"AWWWW FartPINCH you old softy!"

SHUT UP! Once at the table we were in HOG HEAVEN because they plopped raw pork onto the table like they were Emeril Lagasse, BAM! If you'd never been to a Hot Pot or Korean BBQ joint it goes like this:

                                                                                                                        

1. You order your broth - I went with the Thai Tom Yum broth and it was a SO VERY nice but next time I'd for sure go for the spicy Szechuan - I'm a SPICY guy.
2. You order all the crap you want to go INTO your hot pot: shrimp, blue crab, pork belly, brisket, meatball, sausage, scallops, lobster balls, shrimp dumplings, pork dumplings, chicken dumplings and VEGETABLE DUMPLINGS BRING ME THE DUMPLINGS! Plus Udon and Ramen Noodles
3. NOW IT'S ONTO BBQ - We tell the man, we say to him - BRING ME EVERYTHING: Prime brisket, spicy beef bulgogi, cumin lamb, steak with house sauce, spicy pork bulgogi, calamari, garlic shrimp and baby octopus. "VEGETABLES?" Oh EFF off you EFFIN F! Fine! Mushrooms, peppers and potatoes then.
4. THEN, while they're gathering all of that deliciousness for you, you get to go up to the bar and get yourself all of their delicious sauces: hot oils, wasabi, mustards, spicy mayo, but the BEST is the house BBQ sauce. It truly is to die for. They also have chicken feet, kimchi and seaweed salad at the bar for the taking as well.
5.  Eat to your hearts content. AND WE SURE DO. 

After eating two to three courses with an extra helping of BROTH for yours truly I was about ready to fall over. But still, I walked out of there with pride and rode down the street to Country Style Donuts for dessert. It's safe to say I did this Hot Pot joint much smarter than Fogo de Chao and I was reminded of what could have happened as I noticed a sink full of puke on my way out of the bathroom and ultimately the restaurant.

It was late so Country Style's options were limited. I ended up with a lemon filled powder which was still outstanding. I also tasted a bite of Boston Crème later on in the evening. Country Style still reigns as the best donut on the planet. TRY ME. 

High, full and happy I slowly drift off to sleep with the TV on. What a double feature of a Cheat Day, but ultimately the Point and Pump has got to go...TO COUNTRY STYLE DONUTS! YEAH! Although the experience of Hot Pot 757 was fantastic, it simply wasn't the most CHEAT worthy of meals. It was a lot of meat and broth and sea food. VERY tasty but you've got to cook your own FOOD?! AND it's probably not that bad for you at the end of the day. Donuts on the other hand... POWERFUL. 

Now, I mentioned what kind of hot GAINS/LOSSES were made this past week and a half. I chalk it up to not really cheating since Thanksgiving which was the previous THURSDAY and as you should know by now Cheat Day = Saturday. But drumroll please....THIS WEEK:

NIPS: 45.8 inches (1/4 inch smaller!)
BELLY: 42 inches (1 and 1/8 inch SMALLER!)
HIPS: 41.75 inches (1/3 of an inch smaller!)

SLIMING DOWN THROUGH AND THROUGH. How're you boo?! Take care of yourself. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach