Hot Dog Busters! Another one in the books! Nope, I didn't eat any hotdogs! But I DID eat a ton of delicious crap. I'll tell you this though. The weeks in between are getting easier! Once you find some staples you enjoy it's so much easier. Eggs, hummus, quinoa, salsa, avocado, carrots, pickles, jerky, nuts, olives and lots and lots of La Croix to brush that sweet tooth.
"GET THAT HEALTH CRAP OUTTA HERE GUT BOY! WE WANNA HEAR ABOUT HOG HEAVEN!"
Well busters, you've got to THE RIGHT PLACE THEN! It's another Cheat Day ROAD TRIP! Not cause I got any place to go, but this time the journey is LIKE the DESTINATION MAAAAAN! It's ROCKTOBER, the scariest month of the year, so I 'Ring Girl' out of bed like a zombie who's like EVEN HUNGRIER than a Zombie, ya know? Like a starving, skinny girl, zombie man! I creepy crawl scamper all the way into the kitchen where there is a chocolate croissant and a miniature chocolate cream pie waiting for me for dessert. NOM. NOM.
With delicious sugar and carb sitting in my stomach telling me go BLAST OFF! I grab Sally Small Stomach and throw her in the car to head off to the great tiny town of Damascus, Maryland, where sad, pale, flabby teenage meth heads attempt to dissuade you from partaking in the treats of the town's orchards. We pull up to the store at the bottom of Rock Hill Orchard and Woodbourne Creamery and before we could get out of the car we are met with a deep, intimidating growl, "You HERE TO PICK APPLES?!" We duck back into the car expecting an apple to fly in our direction.
"NO! We just want to buy some Apple Cider Donuts!" Sally says.
"Well, we ain't GOT NONE!" retorts the sad, pale, flabby meth head.
"That's not what your website told us!" Sally says.
"WELL! Them DONUTS is just fer APPLE PICKER! Ya gotta get 'em up there at the FARM!" declares the left behind youth.
"Well, we'll just go up there then, thank you." Sally says.
"NO! Ya can't unless yer here to pick apples!" says the confusing living specter.
Sally turns to me and we both shrug. "Alright, well, thanks anyway." After a side bar conversation we decide to get some delicious cow to cone ice cream and a bomb ass bag of evercrisp apples. So, even if we didn't come away with Apple Cider Donuts the trip wasn't a total bust. The ice cream was truly the tits (wink) but of the four flavors we sampled the Cinnamon Apple flavor was the best.
After I knock back my cream in the car we come up with a scheme that will take us FAR! I drive right by that fat Hwhite redneck and straight up the road toward the farm where she was telling apple pickers to go. "What do you find?!" MORE SAD TEENS! These ones are in a pack of three working a check in tent for the city folk who drove in from all over to enjoy some laid back country life, pickin' apples. And, what do we spot on the check in table under the canopy? BAGS AND BAGS of donuts!
"DUuuuuh, you here to pick apples?" Says the sad sad teen with painfully low energy.
"NO! God dammit, why would I pay you to do your work? I'm here for the apple cider donuts please." I say, growing increasingly more frustrated at this farce.
"Oh, uuuuuh, THOSE donuts are just for apple pickers, so...." replies Eeyore.
"Ya don't say?....Look, we drove about 45 minutes out here JUST for those donuts. You guys have anymore anywhere? Or, is there another place we can go to get them?" I ask feigning politeness.
"Hold on a minute!" squeaks the teen who turns to have a a pow wow with his three-teen braintrust under the pergola. We over hear that they have more up at the farm. Eeyore returns, "So, uuuh, YEAH, we have more coming from the farm so uuuuh, we can just sell you these, $8!"
"Great, thanks." I throw him a ten and tell him to keep the change.
He hands over the brown bag of donuts and asks, "So, you don't want to pick apples then?"
"No man, no. Just the donuts." and we drive off leaving the dejected rejects huddled in a sad puddle of dust from the dirt road. Please, Sally Small Stomach digs into the bag and grabs two donuts. They ARE worth the trouble. 'FINGER.LICK'
We high tail it outta Damascus fast for fear that first abrasive Orchard rep IS actually a fast moving ghoul of some kind hell bent on killing us for making off with donuts without picking apples. We hop on a nice country road lined with colorful leaves and rolling hills. We've got time to kill.
SUDDENLY! We see a sign. A sign for a brewery. Not just any brewery, but a brewery where my cousin WORKS. I screech off the road and into yet another dirt road.
Vanish brewery is impressively large and chalk full of instagramable back drops. I text and call my cousin, Scotty, who doesn't respond but that of course mean he could be working. I go up to the bar and order a beer, Hacienda - a delight and refreshing Mexican Lager, Sally gets a delicious swirled FROZé. I ask the beer pourers if they know Scott. They look at each other, puzzled, and back to me like I'm some cop here to take him in.
"He's my cousin." I say to them, reading the room. And their faces light up immediately and they tell me he's in the kitchen. I take our delicious drinks toward the kitchen for an instagramable moment hoping to spot him. Then BOOM! He pops out and gives me the old point and pump. I tell him what THE FUDGE is up and that I need something REAL cheaty REAL bad. He say pulled pork nachos, I'll hook yo FAT ACE up CUZ.
"DONE!" I order dem nachos and walk the premises. There's some cat shelter there trying to get people to get drunk enough to adopt a cat I guess, but we ignore it, because we've got nachos to eat. And does my boy hook me up or what!
I give them and him the point and pump RIGHT BACK. After a fond farewell it was BACK TO THE ROAD! Now heading into true Northern Virginia my surroundings are much less scenic. Finally we land at my BOY McD's mansion in Manassas, VA. If you didn't know, McD is the one who put Man asses in Manassas and HE'S gonna show us around Old Town.
FIRST STOP!
Sinistral Brewery. He's a member with his own mug, so they treat us REAL good. After tasting a few brews I settle on a bourbon aged October fest something or other. It's a NICE. It's a REAL NICE!
Next he takes us down the street to the Public House, where the service is slow, but the beer cheese and burgers are dank AF! Them beers are flowing as well.
Because the Public House slowed us way down I had to hit the road once more. But, I'd definitely go back to join McD to check out old town Manassas some more.
With a full belly and a little road weary I limp back to home base for the final showdown. A pre-assembles Lasagna with homemade bolognese and béchamel sauce. It's also COVERED in parmesan and mozzarella. If I didn't already give away my point and pump to some pork nachos I'd- AH WHAT THE HECK. ANOTHER POINT AND PUMP TO THE LASAGNA. You know it's good too, cause I scarf down two pieces even after the day I've had. Ya know why?! Cause it's back to business tomorrow, THAT'S WHY!
Who passes out immediately?! This fudgin guy right here. What do you think? You think I'm over doing it, don't you?! Well let's check the FRIGGIN numbers!
NIPS - 45.75 (down half an inch from last week)
Belly - 43.25 (down 3/4s of an inch from last week)
HIPS - 42.5 (UP 1/4 of an inch from last week, ASS BLASTIN')
There you have it doubters. Shed that fat. Lean and mean. Stay focused, stay motivated, test yourself, treat yourself. Take care of yourself. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.
ELE,
Zach
