2022 Recap No. 2 - Top 10 Places To Cheat

Oh god. Are we not over the fuggin holidays yet? We are. We ARE! It's over! Now what?! Now we get back to the drudgery. Hard work. No celebration. Just focus. Sounds great right? Or does it? It can be great! With a little thing called Cheat Day! If you happen to find yourself near one of my top 10 places to cheat in 2022 now that it's 2023 then treat yourself for a small reprieve from the day in and day out bully that is January, February and most of March. 

My top 10 places to cheat, THAT AREN'T AT HOME WITH YOUR OWN HOME COOKIN', are!

10. Taco Bell - Uhhh DOY, it's probably the place I've been to most consistently. You know what it is. You know what it has, even though it switches things up practically every month. Go and enjoy a little dog food for humans with some regularly.

9. Honeymoon Fried Chicken - There's gotta be a fried chicken joint on the list and this one was the most fun and the most fried.

8. Side Door Tavern - Attached to The Pub and The People, it's curated by the finest mixologist Warshington DC has to offer, named Ulf. Plus they offer some delicious grub compliments of the pub up above. Things like tempura battered cauliflower, a fine burger and some dank mac and cheese.

7. 2 Amys- Pizza joint of the year. A crazy good Neapolitan Pizza joint in NW DC. Worth the hype for their NEO Za's and the burrata and their wine. 

6. Everyday Sundae - Not just wicked good ice cream. A great service, a great ethic, and a friendly environment. Ice cream of the year!

5. Jack Brown's Beer and Burger Joint - A dive beer bar with the best burger of the year, IMO. It's punk rock sensibility and laid back friendly hipster staff make me feel right home and comfy while I knock back beer after burger after beer.  

4. Rooster and Owl - Fine dining that doesn't feel TOO pretentious. If you have the luxury of going with a group of 4 you can try every delicious concoction they have on the menu. Great cocktails, even better far out food. Bring money... or if you have one, a sugar momma. 

3. Sub Rosa - 2 Words. Baked Goods. This is a no nonsense bakery in a gentrified neighborhood of RVA that delivers on every item you'd like to try. Wait in line. It goes quick and it's worth it flakey munch munch. 

2. Union Market - Its a food mall. An OLD SCHOOL food mall. They've got classic stands from years past such as butchers, fish mongers, bakers, etc. They also have pop up stall for all sorts of restaurants: soul food, mexican, burgers, delis, pizzas, anything or EVERYTHING you might want on Cheat Day. A near perfect place to cheat. 

1. Country Style Donuts - A Richmond staple and the best donut there is. This is also the 2nd most frequented place I cheated in 2022. The donut is the perfect cheat day food and that is why this place gets number 1. 

Happy New Year Cheat Fans! BUSTERS! BUSTER BROWNS! Let's let 2023 be an even better year for cheaters like you and me! Take Care of Yourselves! Take Care of Each Other! Eat Like Your Lives Depend On It!

ELE,
FartPinch!

Freaky Cheat Day

OH MY GOD Cheatsters! What a wild Cheat Day this past week. Before I get into the crazy stuff let me just tell you that I gained only ONE pound since the 4th of July and the wild Florida week and I think that's actually pretty gaul dern GOOD, kay?! So if you're like pissed or whatever you can just effing SHOVE IT!

Also, If this is your first time reading EVER or even in a while go back and read a few posts and you'll know what the hell I have been up to and why I'm not mad about gaining a pound on the slow carb diet.

I need to give a quick shout out to Soup, Maureen M., Super Bowl Champ Alex R., and as usual the loveliest lovely Liz C. for a mid week cook out on the beach. Alex R. was, rightfully, busting my balls because I was enjoying a few midweek beers during the cook out. I want to point out once more to him and EVERYONE that I stuck to JUST meat and veggies for vittles this cook out alright?! My cookout meal was a burger patty, a sausage, some try-colored bell peppers and humus. SO YEAH, I had a few midweek beers alright?! SUE ME!

I also need to shout out at the top to the Jackies, Sater, Summer James, Adam, and the Loveliest Liz AGAIN! Cause we went to Dinner Diner after the Friday night Man Called Noon show where I ate a slinger and 7/8ths of a double bacon cheeseburger. It WAS after midnight though, so... FUCK IT, it counts as Cheat Day.

I awoke Cheat Day morn' knowing I had a fairly busy day ahead of me. I had to go to my final Annoyance class with Ryan A., I then had an audition across town for the Plagiarists next theatrical season, THEN I had to walk Rob Face and Erin "Sandra Bullock" C.'s lil' baby pup Barkley. Quite a busy Cheat Day...a little TOO busy for my taste, but I went on my way. For first bites I went back to the Budlong with the Lovely Liz and friends Jaq Attack and Drew "You Simply Must" J. for a lil'fried Chicken brunch. If you're a fan of the blog you know the Budlong, a fantastic little Nashville Hot style fried chicken joint with multiple Chicago locations. Our local one is in Lincoln Square and it is delightful.  I ordered the Hot tenders, a side of mac and cheese, and a cheerwine. A solid meal to start a cheat day for sure...BUT THEN!

Barkley

I went to class and I was expecting a quick lunch with teacher and friend Ryan A. but it had to be postponed. So, instead I got a black iced coffee from Starbucks (A Non-Cheat Day treat) and went to my audition early. I CRUSHED the audition thanks to Liz's and Ryan's help and then went over to Hambone and Summer James' crib (aka The Sing What You Say Place) which was close by the audition AS WELL AS the sweet puppy Barkley whom I'd have to be walking soon. I was met with a PBR (a delightful cheat-y beverage) and we began talking about what we'd be eating for Cheat Day Dinner! You see people love being around on Cheat Day because they get to go on a fantastical Cheat Day adventure with yours truly, so we began to plan.

We decided it'd be good to hit the beach for a bit before the dog walk and before it got dark. So Hambone slid me a special brownie (A delightful Cheat Treat) and assured me it wouldn't launch me to far out there maaaan. So we also rounded up some vodka and some vitamin waters (A Non-Cheat Day Treat...) went to the beach, threw around a frisbee, ran into some good ol'friends (shout out Tommy C. and Sophie B.!) then drank some vodka drinks. I went to walk the dog and the plan was to reconvene at The Sing What You Say Place and get SERIOUS about CHEATING on something new for your sweet eyeballs to take in and your bellies to YERN for!...but then...

Steve Leme in Beerfest

The edible started hitting me REAL good, really not too much, honestly just right. I was feeling social and good and happy and ready to EAT! I got back to The Sing What You Say Place to figure it out and Summer James DEMANDED that we all take what he called a "Bloody Skull." I first learned of something similar to this in the movie "Beerfest" in which they call it a "strikeout." Summer James' version simply was to take a hit out of a bowl (inhale only) and then we would each take a shot of whiskey (cheat day treat) then exhale the hit. "Sure why not!" I said! "CHEAT DAY!" we Cheered!

From that moment on I was no longer the Zach you all know and love. I was indeed out of this world. I was giggly and squirmy and paranoid, I could NOT organize my thoughts properly nor did I have the ability to rally a bunch of drunk and high people to go get some delicious Cheat Day fare from a place we'd never been before!

THEN, out of nowhere! A young family shows up to the Sing What You Say Place...with CHILDREN ages 2 and 5. Now, I bet some of you read this and probably think to yourselves, "geez Zach I'm not sure you should be around children completely sober even!" And first of all FUCK YOU, but you aren't wrong, I've got a mouth on me and not much of a filter, but I am also surprisingly good with kids so take that opinion and shove it!

That being said, I really didn't have any business being around kids in this case. I was gone! I was drunk off vodka and a shot of whiskey and high off of a brownie and a solid hit from a bowl that had me coughing hard when a shot divided what should be a normal inhale/exhale. On top of that I was HANGRY as a mother fucker because all I had on Cheat Day so far was 3 chicken tenders, Texas Toast, half a thing of Mac and Cheese, and a pot brownie.

"WOW Zach, I'm sure you were FUCKED! What'd you do?!"

I hid...I hid in Summer James' bathroom until the family was gone. When I emerged Summer James pointed out that I had no business going out in public to eat if I had to hide from children...so...we ordered Jet's Pizza...so...sorry not sorry. ALWAYS JET'S! We got two larges for four people. One was chicken bacon mushroom green pepper on Cajun Crust (delightful) and one was pineapple jalapeno and pepperoni on TURBO CRUST. WOOO! If you haven't had Jet's yet, you're fucking up!

After I ate I was feeling much better and I had an early morning the next day so I had to head home. On my way home I stopped at Lindo Guadalajara to get a plate of chorizo nachos to-go that I split with the loveliest Liz when I got home. So I made up some lost Cheat Day ground that way.

WOOO! What a wild one, right everyone?! I guess my Cheat Day this time was more party based than new food based! I'm glad everyone is okay though. I want to hand it to Summer James, Hambone and the previously unmentioned Santiago for taking care of me! Just like I tell all of you each week. Take care of each other! Take care of yourselves. Eat like your life depended on it!

ELE,
Zach

Cheat Week in Florida!

Hey everyone, sorry I missed a week, FUCKIN' SUE ME! I hope you managed to get through last Monday without tales of gluttony from the number one cheater! I'm back this week with not much of an update so this one is going to be short and sweet.

The reason I missed last week was because I was busy moving my parents from Virginia to Florida. On Monday, when Cheat Day. Don't Care is due I was driving from Jacksonville to Tampa and unloading trucks and furniture shopping. BUT! The Saturday before I was pounding back an obscene amount of Bud Light (3 18-packs between 5 people), eating Wawa sandwiches and Pizza Hut pizza. So that is what I was eating/drinking on what was technically Cheat Day last week.

I'm going to take a moment to praise Wawa. I am sure I have done this in posts past but they are great gas station subs. Low and behold I find out that Florida has something similar in a "Pub Sub" or a sub from the Publix grocery store chain. Wawa came into existence in VA when I was in High School. It was a 24 hour spot that we kids would go when the night was winding down and we had to make one more stop before heading back to mom and dad's house. It's tried and true. It basically never fails and aside from sandwiches they have a bomb ass selection of other treats (like cheese filled pretzels, strawberry kiwi drink, and cheap cigarettes YES, even smoke on cheat day). One of, if not the best sandwich at Wawa is their chicken salad, it's off the fucking hook. BUT, it was hoagie fest when I was there this time, so I ate a pizza cheese steak for breakfast! NOM NOM MAWfugglers.

Cheat Day certainly stretched itself a bit as my itinerary was hectic, making it near impossible to keep up with my standard dietary restrictions. I had to fly into DC on Cheat Day morning, pack up/throw out what was left of my parents' house, drink and party the night away, wake up and do a few last minute dump runs, eat at my childhood Taco Bell (Cheesy Gordita Crunch, Beefy 5-Layer, Cheesy Bean and Rice) with my boys one last time, drive to Jacksonville to crash at a LaQuinta for the night (On the trip I had Hot Fries, Pickles, 2 McChickens, 2 McDoubles/ @LaQuinta I had 2.5 Bud Light Limes), wake up and finish off the drive to the Tampa area (Once we arrived at my aunts house she fed us delicious fried chicken and pasta salad).

Once in the Tampa area we had to: unload the car, go furniture shopping, eat dinner out (Frenchy's Outpost where I had a giant buffalo grouper sandwich and fries). HARD NOTE, I ordered a delicious frozen pineapple alcohol beverage and there was not quite glass shards but shards of a glass-like substance in the drink. I do NOT recommend Frenchy's outpost, food was fine I guess. Next on the agenda was to get back to Aunt Maureen's house where we had to crash for the evening. We drank a few more Bud Light limes and swam in her awesome pool! The next day was unload the POD day. We did that and set up my folks' bedroom so we could stay in their new place for the night.

Palm Pavilion

We ate out again at a place called the Palm Pavilion which was right on the beach and I had a delicious Cuban sandwich. Apparently Tampa is ACTUALLY where the Cubano was invented as Tampa has the second largest Cuban population in the world! (I didn't fact check this, so if I'm wrong go fuck yourself). If you are ever in Clearwater Beach go to the Palm, it is a DElight. The next day my brother had to get on a plane and head home, but before he left we went to a little greasy spoon called the Garden Grille Cafe where I ate a half order of biscuits and gravy, eggs, bacon, and crispy potatoes. While at the Garden Grille Cafe we over heard a lengthy conversation about the redecorating of an old couples' condo, they sounded eerily similar to residents of Seinfeld's Del Bocca Vista. We all had a good laugh.

The rest of the itinerary was unpacking and more furniture shopping. I ate breakfast at Taco Bell (bacon breakfast crunchwrap and bacon breakfast quesadilla and Cinnabon delights), one more meal at Aunt Mo's (Digiorno's pizza and side salad) and one more meal out at The Lucky Dill. I decided I'd start being good at The Lucky Dill and I ordered a Greek Salad because I wanted to ease back into the diet. Once bizarre thing about their Greek salads down in Tampa is that they put a scoop of potato salad IN the salad. It's strange, but good!

Then I got drunk on the plane off of Dewars and now I am home. I did NOT cheat this past Cheat Day because my body hurt. Thanks for reading and living everyone! Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and eat like your life depended on it!

ELE,
Zach

Wisconsin Cheese - Ice Cream - Fudge OH MY!

Hey hey hey Cheaters! C'mon DOWN to CHEAT TOWN, aka Wisconsin! THAT is where I went THIS weekend. That's right TWO weekend getaways in two weeks and to some of the FATTEST places in this the FATTEST country on Earth! I haven't bothered weighing myself in for the past two weeks on account of these excursions because I can feel, IN MY FLAB, that I not only haven't lost weight but I have gained some back.

I would like my readership to know that the days between the getaways I stuck to the diet just so my body doesn't get completely used to pure crap. So cut me a little slack here!

Now, do you wanna know what I ate and where you should go if you find yourself in Wisconsin?! O-K!

First stop was Wisconsin Dells, WI. Which, if you didn't know, that place is like the water park capital of the world or some shit. I'm not gonna sugar coat it here people. Wisconsin Dells is EEEeeerily similar to Gatlinburg, TN. It's just got a but of kitschy crap: Old Timey Photo Joints, Fudge Shops, popcorn, Ripley's Believe It Or Not museums, random rides, taffy (even though these places are nowhere near salt water). These places are trashy, they are gaudy, and they're fun as fuck.

They are fun on a basic level. Rides are fun. Treats are fun. Strange entertainment like BS museums and side shows are fun. But it's also fun in an ironic way. People watching is fun. Making fun of others is fun. Making fun of the shops, attractions, and food is fun. Really letting yourself just go-all-in at these places makes for a brilliantly fun time.

Aside from that these places are America for good and bad. They are in the middle of beautiful parts of the country. Green lush farmlands or beautiful mountains surround these carnival towns. The people are simple and sweet and helpful.

These areas are also what other countries mock us for. These places are excess, they taunt world culture, they provide nothing for health or mental growth. It's pure visceral enjoyment.

"Bro you GOTTA shut up and tell us all the food you ate!"









Rude. But okay. My beautiful lady Liz and I got to the Wis Dells on Thursday. We ate responsibly before leaving Chicago and on the ride up: Eggs, bacon, apples, coffee, etc. After getting checked in and hanging at the park for a minute we went to to eat dinner at a local spot called Monk's as recommended by Chicago native and Wis Dells expert Leslie Maxey.

Leslie told me I had to try their burgers and THAT we did. They were solid. There weren't too many frills. They tasted like backyard bbq burgers or good old fashioned diner burgers. Liz and I split ours. I got the Jalapeno Cheddar Monkburger and she got the Gouda Monkburger. The Gouda is the way to go. It was delicious. That cheese made it. Also, I surprisingly didn't mind the mushrooms that were stacked on the mother. I ordered a New Glarus Spotted Cow on draft cause WISCONSIN. It was VERY close to the quality of a nice Steigl on Draft at Laschet's Inn in Chicago. We also got their cheese curds because, ya know...Wisconsin... but I'm not going to say much about them because we found better down the road.

The next day we got a free lunch at Pizza Pub thanks to the fact that we signed up to sit through a time share seminar. SIDEBAR: If you run into this scenario, FUGGIN DO IT! You get to mingle with some locals (laid back country folk) and they give you free ass shit like a pizza buffet and tickets to a dope ass water stunt show (Tommy Bartlett)! It was tight as hell!

Anyway, as I'm sure you've all probably correctly assumed, Pizza Pub has a Cici's-esque pizza buffet for lunch and that's what Liz and I ate. It was fine. I ate too much...and here it goes! I had a salad and some very salty french onion soup. I HAD TO OKAY! I needed something green! CUT ME SOME SLACK! Plus their salad bar was pretty choice, lots of good shit. I then ate two plates of pizza (stacked) and a plate of fettuccine-Alfredo. The pizza was MAYBE a notch above Cici's. I had taco pizza, BBQ chicken pizza, cheese burger pizza, cheese pizza, and pepperoni and sausage! THERE, ya HAPPY.

Munchie Madness

Later that night we got some ice cream from a local candy shop. It was delicious. Ice cream is a must when you're up in dairy land!

"What about breakfast? Last week you talked a BIIIIIG breakfast game!"

Well, Liz and I tried to stay somewhat responsible, so we'd only do this to ourselves once a day or so. We only had a bad breakfast once and it wasn't THAT bad really. It WAS at a place called Paul Bunyan's (I KNOW, another similarity! Davy Crockett's breakfast in Gatlinburg and Paul Bunyan's in Wisconsin. These towns love their folklore!) and it WAS all you can eat! But it wasn't buffet style. They just served everyone the same breakfast and you could have as much as you want. Here's a perfect example of excess in all the wrong ways. They offered fruit, but you had to pay extra for it...like fuggin' WHAT?! Give the people some FRUIT for fucks sake. The included items were eggs, ham, sausage, potatoes, pancakes, and biscuits and gravy. I only ordered more eggs and potatoes. Those two things were surprisingly good. I couldn't handle pancakes and biscuits at this juncture.

On our way home and after one of the best things Liz and I experienced (The House on the Rock) we passed through Madison, a LOVELY Cap City for sure. We were told to eat at The Old Fashioned and it TWAS delish. Now DEM Cheese Curds were DANK. They were maybe the best fried cheese I've ever had and for a thing that is pretty much impossible to make bad it is amazing how much better it can be. Go get em! I ordered another jalapeno burger which was ALSO great but different from Monk's. It was a little over seasoned and less love and care tasting...if that makes sense?

I also ordered an Old Fashioned cause, well! When in Rome, err 'Sconsin! It was indeed quite good. I'm no Old Fashioned expert but I've had a handful of Old Fashions where the liquor was a bit over powering and that wasn't the case here.

Honestly, that was about ALL I drank (sorry Alex) cause I was out with my girl and she don't drink and it's not right to be drinking alone. It makes the experience worse for both parties.

I loved Wisconsin. It was truly a cool place with great cheese. A lot of that had to do with who I explored it with. Liz and I lead some fairly busy and hectic lives so even though we live together and work in a band together we don't always get that quality time together and that's important. If you have a significant other make sure you get that in. Go on adventures, explore new places. Be patient with each other and have some GOD DAMN FUN for Christ's sake! Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depended on it.

ELE,
Zach

Didya Miss Me Like I Miss Cheat Day?!

GOOD DAY Cheaters! I know, I FUCKING KNOW! I missed Memorial Day weekend Cheat Day! I get it! You had nothing to read ON Memorial Day! Well you shouldn't have been reading anyway, you should have been HONORING THE TROOPS! If you were gonna read anything it should have been WWII books or anything by Tom Clancy. You don't want to hear about that Cheat Day anyway, because that Cheat Day was meh on account I ended up kind of spreading it out into a Cheat Weekend, as I ate a bunch of fruit and cheese on Memorial Day.

Now I say LAST Cheat Day sucked but this one kind of sucked a fat one too. (How do you KIND OF suck a fat one?) Oh, you'll find out... It Sucked as in it was HIGHLY uninteresting, so I'm going to try to gussy this post up with as much flowery language as I possibly can. As you know I've got to start with the weigh in! I am down 8 pound from 2 weeks ago! This means I have been sub 250 for 2 weeks straight. It feels good too. I HATE 250lbs. 250lbs feels FAT. Soooooo FAT. Fatty Fatty Buttcrack!


I accomplished this 8 pound loss by OF COURSE sticking pretty decently to the slow carb diet but ALSO biking hard miles along the lake shore trail daily, and pumping out some daily push ups. I hope to further my work out regimen as time goes on and weight gets harder to lose!

"ZACH! SHUT UP AND TELL US HOW YOU REALLY LOST DEM POUNDS!"

Alright, pushy asshole! I REALLY lost "dem pounds" but waking up Cheat Day morning and walking my thin sexy ass down to the local grocery store, Mariano's. At Mariano's I bought this skinny-mini a chocolate glazed cinnamon roll thing! Do you know what I'm talking about? It like curls around, there's no hole, it's ALL FRIGGIN DONUT! Right? Can you picture it? I'm sorry I didn't get a picture of it because I ate it too fast and too hard! It looked something like the thing to the right. But that's not all I got at Mariano's...

I also got a bagel that was covered in toasted cheddar/asiago cheese and jalapeños. I bought this bagel because I was fixin' on fixing me up a bagel breakfast sandwich back at home! I also got some sliced munster cheese to add to that bad boy. This breakfast sandwich may have been one of, if not THE best sandwich I ever personally crafted for myself. Aside from the delicious bagel you're talking scrambled eggs, hard salami, Frank's red hot, and of course dat munster cheese was melted onto the bagel AND onto the eggs, it doesn't look like much but... mmmmawwwwgggggg. Sweet mother of mercy I want another one RIGHT NOW!

I didn't get to go anywhere new this past Cheat Day. I KNOW, I'm a failure! Well if you're so smart tell me where I should go next week! I dare you! And I'll tell you how friggin right or wrong your were! Where DID I go? I'll give you 3 guesses...

No, not Chuck E. Cheese! Dorks, I'm an adult!

No! Not Fudruckers! GROSS!

WHAT?! God you're stupid, it definitely wasn't Chili's! Although that's my favorite chain restaurant so I'll award you half a point for that.

IT WAS TACO BELL, DER! I did it again! I HAD TO! It was on my way home from my mid-day improv class. And there's only one way that Taco Bell tastes any better than usual and that is after being SO funny on a Cheat Day afternoon. I got the usual...

You know what the usual is! YES, you do! I'm not explaining it again! Go back and read like literally any other post and you'll know what I ordered! Jesus! I will say that I need to re-evaluate how I order Taco Bell. Right now I get 4, that's right 4! premium items which makes my bill an obscenely high amount for one man at Taco Bell. This ain't the right way to go about things when we all know it's the same 3 ingredients inside each menu item anyway, whether it's off the "Cravings Menu" costing only a dollar or off the regular menu costing $3 to $8.

The funny thing about this trip to TB is that while at the Bell my sweet lady Liz had gotten back from her gig and started making us quesadillas with the left over tortillas from last Cheat Day's breakfast burritos, what was left of the morning's munster cheese, and the remaining kabobs from Memorial Day. Did I eat one after stuffing my face full of Bell less than an hour prior? You bet your hot tits I did! AND I dipped it in Tostitos chili con queso. MMM, disgusting and delicious....and disgusting.

After that there wasn't much else I consumed that wasn't beer. I drank a bunch at my friend Andrew Campbell's improv show then we went to Nick's on Wilson to drink a few more beers. We got pretty drunk but left before 1AM like responsible adults! Here's the beers I drank:


5 High Life Tallboys
2 Shiner Bocks
1 Old Style Tallboy
1 PBR
2 Three Floyds Alpha King

Is that a lot? Prolly, but FUCK IT, cause I biked home, avoiding rain, and I didn't get ANYTHING ELSE to eat! How do you like dem apples! I'm a responsible drunken Cheat Dayer! That will also help me lose weight quicker is having a nice lil'cut off to my shenanigans in the evening. 200lbs here I come! Is 200 to low for old Zach? Do you think I'd be awkwardly skinny? I am quite tall and generally I have a large build. If I have a bunch of muscles it might be REAL hard to get to 200. What do YOU think?! This is an open forum here! Leave a comment! Also take care of yourselves! Take care of each other! And eat like your life depended on it!

ELE,
Zach