Jack Brown Can Ring My Bell, "Y Tu Mama?"

BluhDOW! Cheatereenos! Ya boy's back for another fat frickin Cheat Day! Who's fat?! NOT ME! Well...not AS fat! And all thanks to Cheat Day!

It's Cheat Day morn and I roll outta bed and onto a bowl of extra cheesy Cheez-Its. It's breakfast time after all and what goes good with Cheez-Its? CHEESE, you dumb donkeys. Sos I cuts up a nice chunk of cheddar to SLAP it on top of dem chee-Z crackers and cram as many in my mouth as I can before Slumlord Millionaire rolls out of bed his darn self and says, "HEY! Let's go to the store, we got liquor to buy!"

Heh Heh

"Yessir!" I reply and we head off to the store, first the grocery so I can get some Fruit. You know I love fruit, bananas, oranges, peaches, pineapple and strawberries. I eat most of it on the short drive to the liquor store where we get some extra booze to complete this week's cocktail of the week, the kitchen sink (more on this later). 

Once I return home I throw together a DELECTABLE 90/10 mimosa with some of that VERY nice fruit to garnish all while snacking on more fruit, cheez-its and this HALLOWEEN BAG of mini-twix! It's Halloween candy season people! GO AND GET IT! With that, breakfast is over! It's time for LUNCH.

Slumlord suggests Jack Brown's Burgers and Beer. At 11AM? Why THE HECK NOT! We cruise over to OLD JACK'S and the 5 person staff stops and stares at the site waltzing into their establishment. With weather this nice and a small audience I just have to peacock. Before reaching the patio I toss out a little spin move and finish with a hip thrust. Once at the patio I smack a kid's hamburger out of the little turd's hand then tussle his hair. I take the beer out of some fat slobs fist and finish it off for him. I delicately drag the tip of my pointer finger under the hostess' chin as I take my final steps into the bar where I leave my sunglass ON, of course, but snap off my bra, which supports my massive jugs, and I flip it up onto their chandelier!

We position ourselves in the middle of the bar and I DEMAND a Jack's Abby House Lager a "When in Roam" burger and a side of Mac n' Cheese. "On the double! I've got other things to eat, by God! It is Cheat Day after all!" And the staff works vigorously to bring me my victuals. Once they hear those hallowed words, they do know this is serious!

                        

The burger is bomb. It beats the Cobra Burger, for my money. The "When in Roam" is a new Thursday special they are just "trying out" and it comes topped with chipotle pimento cheese, American cheese, crispy fried onions, and jalapeno bacon jam. I love a bunch of SLOP on my burger. I SLOP IT UP. And, I can attest to their basic burger as that is what Slumlord Millionaire eats. He too, is beyond satisfied by the flavor AND portions. 

BUT THEY DON'T STOP THERE. The Mac and Cheese is dope as hell. Perfect burger joint mac, no frills, nothing fancy, just creamy cheesey deliciousness. They give every diner a giant squirt bottle of their sauce (a gourmet version of McDonald's Big Mac Sauce...I smell a trend burger bars) but it's perfect for the deliciously crispy crinkle fries and the occasional dip of the burger. Then, to cap it off, they sell fried oreos individually, which makes the perfect capper to a Cheat Day lunch. Bravo, Jack Brown's...BRAVO.

Saturday might be Cheat Day but sometimes it's ALSO for the boys. Slumlord Millionaire and I head back to the pad to put on some cute tanks and booty shorts so we can power wash the property and give the neighbors a show while we're at it. All the while we pound Peronis and Chug Miller Lites out of the baseball bat. A pretty nice little Cheat Day. 

When the work (and the group shower) is done, it's time again for fun. Before going off to our next stop we mix up our COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK! This week it's a Kitchen Sink (which we discover is really more of a shooter: rye whiskey, gin, peach brandy, lemon juice, orange juice, powdered sugar and 1 egg shaken vigorously in ice and strained into glass. I give it a measly C-.

Now, we head to The Veil brewery where they house a little Taco Joint known as "Y Tu Mama." Former college roommates and Cheat Day fanatics, OmmBeautiful and OmmBeautifuller meet us there. I've drank at The Veil a bunch and usually I'd say their beer is overrated. There's a lot of Breweries in town and that's just not the best, for my money, like their reputation...and locations might otherwise dictate. But, with this trip I am pleasantly surprised. The Veil's Pilsner, called "Deep," actually tastes like a Pilsner this time and their nearly 10% ABV "Tomb Tomb" IPA is surprisingly refreshing. 

HOWEVER, the MAIN EVENT. AND. My POINT AND PUMP of the Week! Goes to Y. Tu. MAMA! (AIR HORN x 3!) I get carnitas tacos (per slumlord's rec) I get the gypsy quesadilla (per the OmBeautifuls rec) and they are both a hit. The carnitas was juicy and crispy and the hot sauce and consomme were TO DIE FOR. I'm a dip man, what can I say?! The gypsy quessadilla had cheese grilled to the outside of it! Such a Taco Bell move...and I FRIGGIN LOVE Taco Bell. This this is filled with guajillo chicken, bacon, pineapple, and fresh onion and it's EXCELLENT. I simply must go back. Then again, as ya'll know I love mexican food, I love tex mex, I love cheese, I love sauce. This place does it all wonderfully.

NEXT! My little crew recommends a little soft serve. Serve me up BABY and I'll spike it right down my big fat face! Lucky for Cheat Day it's not even a block away. We stumble our way to Charm School Study Hall, which is a little window on the side of a building that serves up vanilla, chocolate or twists (either dairy or vegan) with a variety of sprinkles, toppings and sauces. I choose twist (duh) with cinnamon streusel sprinkles and top it with some toasted mallow. Stuff was bomb, as you can see below I am in fact pointing and pumping. Do not be fooled, however, my official point and pump of this blog still belongs to Y Tu Mama. 

Felling mildly comatic I sit down for a while...with a Miller Lite in my hand, some Cheez-Its, and this pimento cheese for dipping. The thought to throw in the towel crosses my mind. This ol'food hole might be closing things down early this Cheat Day. I'm sorry Ommbeautifuls...this week might be my weakest week yet. When, all of a sudden, I hear the faint whistle of a sharp evening wind, a tumble weed blows by, and the sharp metallic sounds of spurs hitting the driveway. Good crow! It's the fastest gun east of the Mississippi swooping in to enjoy some fourth quarter Cheat Day!

This fast gun RALLIES the troops! "GET UP!" He shouts! "We're going to get us a COCKTAIL! And maybe some TACO BELL!"

"Y..yes sir Mr. Mississippi! Where to?!" I reply timidly and very full. 

"Hotel Greene is the spot for a cocktail." He says gruffly. 

"A hotel? If you say so." I unwisely question.

"AND INDOOR GOLF COURSE!" He shouts. "Now, LET'S RIDE!"

The busy staff of The Hotel Greene see us coming and they stop dead in their tracks, they know what kind of debauchery is about to descend on their otherwise uneventful Saturday night. We boys kick in the doors to the joint but are thrown off instantly by the cheerful greet of the bellhop checking IDs. He was dressed head to toe in, what else, GREEN. The lobby is lavishly decorated with prop suitcases, gaudy wallpaper, and faux works of art. The bar is both gorgeous and gorgeously stocked. The sense when first entering is one of frivolous whimsy. They sign us up for a little golf, seat us at a table to wait and offer to grab us some libations. 

I order up a Dickinson Square: Rittenhouse rye, Luxardo maraschino, Cynar, lemon, absinthe, angostura bitters. It really hits the spot and settles my stomach before this very serious game of miniature golf. The fastest gun east of the Mississippi orders an RVA Mule: Belle Isle Honey Habanero moonshine, which is quite spicy and because it is Cheat Day we order a spring pea puree flatbread which is also topped with prosciutto, grape tomato and mozzarella. It is lackluster. 

Before we shove off for our game we order a couple of Narangsentt Lager tall boys to golf with. The course is delightful. Its design and decorations and wonderfully executed, it's like we're playing golf on the set of a Wes Anderson movie. There are small miniatures exhibits hidden along the way, just peer into certain peepholes to find them. However, this design makes the course difficult to play. On some holes we are crammed into corners or smashed up against wells. 

HOWEVER AGAIN! They have staff walking the course asking if anything is needed! YES, DUH, Another GOSH DARN Narangsett, por favor! Next thing you know, the nice lady comes around the corner with our delicious beers and spills them everywhere, so she leaves us the half beers AND gets us two more. Everything's coming up Cheat Day!

We finish the course, pay the tab...and head on our way to round out the Cheat Day with some...you guessed it...Taco Bell. This is only my second trip to Taco Bell since the start of this whole venture and I've learned something about Taco Bell. It ALWAYS scratches the itch. Even when it is disappointing. But yes, it can be disappointing. I'm finding that it is certainly best to limit my Taco Bell intake. One way to do that, is to avoid the Taco Bells at night. Not only is it worse for you then, but it is also more poorly constructed. 

After I finish my "modest" order of itch scratching Taco Bell I fall asleep like an angel on the couch, beer in hand. 3 Floyds Zombie Dust is this week's pass out beer of choice! I have sweet Cheat Day dreams for tomorrow it is the run of the mill daily waking nightmare that is Non-Cheat Day.

MEASURE UP!

NIPS: 48 1/4 (UP, 1 1/4 inched - Big FAT boobs needed a BIG FAT BRA, but only for a day)
HIPS: 42 1/2 (UP 1/8th of an inch, rockin' that PHAT ass too)
Belly Button: 44 (DOWN - most importantly - 1/8 of an inch)
PTB: 178 CM (peaCOCKing baby)

Alright everybody! Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

BaCHEATlor ParDAY

Hey Cheaturds! I didn't really cheat that hard on Cheat Day on account of I didn't lose any weight. Also, I am not going to cut my hair until I am 220 lbs! WHAT ABOUT THAT?!

What DID happen is we had a bachelor party for ROB FENTON and we went on a boat! It was awesome! Sausage KING Logan Conner cooked up some MEAN sausages which I put on a roll and covered in giardiniera and mustard. (I know, not VERY Cheat-like, but they were delicious)

What WAS Cheat-like were the copious amounts of alcohol! The tastiest of which was some Cabo Wabo Tequila which made it out to the lake and was passed around for the sipping. Oh, the boat had a slide off the back of it, which was awesome!

I also had Jim Beam, Tecates, Coors Lights, Trulys flavored water alcohol drink thing (which was indeed pretty clutch on that boat in the sun) and of course some Red Bulls.

OH OH! When we got off the boat Awesome Abby and Jackie the Jerk made us mini tacos, lil'mini dumplings and chips and salsa/guacamole at Yousof and Abby's beautiful home! That was pretty clutch too, amidst all the drinking!

I can't tell you anything else, cause it was a bachelor party and all the GOOD stuff will live only in the minds and hearts of all of us bachelors long after we're dead (married) ourselves. Congrats to Rob Fenton on getting hitched! I'm sure the fun won't stop regardless of marriage, though I am sure it will slow a little...as it should! Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, eat like your life depended on it!

ELE,
Zach

THEY CAME FOR CHEAT DAY!

Pie in the Park

OOOOOH BOY Cheaters! What a fantastically fun filled entry do I have for you this week! I had my very first Cheat Day. Don't Care. fans/friends make a trip ALL THE WAY to Chicago from Virginia JUST to experience Cheat Day with me! Well...not really JUST for that, they also wanted to catch a concert that wasn't coming to the east coast and they've never been here before and they wanted to check it out and well...SHUT UP! A boy can dream can't he?! THEY CAME FOR CHEAT DAY!

Chooch Chat

Stephen Kolberg and Jennifer Lamendola were my college roommates and now they are married. It's been a long time since we've seen each other and a WAY longer time since we've actually hung out so the whole thing has been a serious treat for me as well. They landed at my placed on Cheat Morning at around 10:30AM. We waited around a bit for Liz to be ready to GET THIS CHEAT DAY GOING!

We started at my NEW SPOT OF THE WEEK! I have been to Bang Bang Pie and Biscuits a few times just for fun and before this diet and it was always delectable. Before getting in to the vastness of this flavor country I want to take it down a notch or two. It's simply cramped. That is totally not unheard of in this town as it IS a city and it has to fit many buildings into each block so some joints open up into locations that are just a bit too small for the eventual boom in business. Otherwise Bang Bang, GOOD SHOW! Also, special shout out to my home boy Trevor! It's always great to see you bud, sorry it doesn't happen too often!

I ATE a Buffalo Chicken Pot Pie for my meal. The others got a sausage biscuit with cheddar cheese and a seasonal jam, and biscuits and gravy with sausage and egg. I got to try it all and it was all glorious. I loved the pot pie, though it was a bit too blue cheesy for my taste. If you love blue cheese EAT DAT SHIT MOTHER FUGGLER! The biscuits were amazing.

NOW LET'S TALK PIE! We got three slices to split between 4 people. We got their Honey Pie (baked honey custard, blueberry compote, graham crust), Black and Blue Pie (blackberries, blueberries, orange brown sugar crumble, leaf lard pastry crust) and Chocolate Puddin' Pie (chocolate pudding, whipped cream, graham crust). MY FAVORITE?! The chocolate puddin' pie. However, I think the consensus was pretty split across the board.

MOVING ON! There were a few grumbling about not eating enough of this or not eating enough of that, but I gotta tell you, that first meat packed quite a punch and these two SKINNY PUNKS had a long way to go with Ol'ZACH at the helm. I'm not saying I paced myself for their sake necessarily because I am trying to get into the habit of pacing myself in general. BUT, you listen to what we ate the rest of the day and YOU TELL ME!

We didn't eat for quite a while after that, but we did stop to meet Cheat Day Pal, Soup (sorry I never drank that Malort your Cheat Day requests are reinstated), at Hopleaf for some brews. I had 2 Zombiedusts from Three Floyds and 2 Double Daisy Cutters from Half Acre. I REALLY enjoyed those Double Daisy Cutters, espcially for 8%ers.

Next, BOOM Jet's Pizza. The three of us split a small, two each ya tallywackers! Guess what, THEY FUCKING LOVED IT. Because who FRIGGIN doesn't?! NO ONE that's who! YOU TWATS! GO. TO. JET'S. PIZZA! We had a Hawaiian with jalapeno.

Almost immediately from there we went to (ANOTHER NEW PLACE) Big Star so we could slam a pitcher of margaritas and two TACOS each. It was a day of twos and and it was about the perfect amount! I ate a Taco De Panza (crispy braised pork belly, tomato guajillo sauce, queso fresco, onion, cilantro) and a Taco Al Pastor (marinated spit roasted pork shoulder, grilled pineapple, grilled onion, cilantro). I gotta tell ya, I like them, they were priced fairly I thought for as big this restaurant is, but I've had MUCH better tacos in a city that is just jammed packed with delicious and authentic Mexican food.

A post-Big Star mini-bar crawl ensued. We did a shot and a beer at G-Man Tavern, then a shot and a beer at Ten Cat where we eventually met up with Liz. Once Liz arrived I had several more beers. (Mostly PBRs across the board Alex, sorry it was nothing fancy).

Now, I'm gonna let ya'll guess what happens next!

Cheat Day carried over a bit into the next day when we ate at Ramen Wasabi and then made a rather LATE NIGHT Taco Bell Cantina run. Thanks for visiting Stephen and Jennifer. You know how I know we are great friends who made a connection that will last the rest of our lives? Our hanging out never skipped a god damn beat. It was almost like we were back in college again (most of the time anyway). We made the same old jokes, new jokes of the same style, new jokes of a DIFFERENT style and talked about all sorts of people we used to know and still know! We also talked about real shit about being grown up and the way things change and how to cope.

Take care of yourselves. If you do it'll better prepare you to take care of each other. And always eat like your life depended on it.

ELE,
Zach Finch

Dinner Diner

In Place of Stephen eating, a Slinger

Eat It Up

17 Steps Forward 10 Steps Back

The Fare at Forastero

I fucked it up again guys! I regained weight because of beer during the week as well as one LATE night meal because I was drunk and hungry and needed sustenance after the fantastic play "Doppelganger" at  Steppenwolf! So, before I go into what may have been my weakest Cheat Day yet I will tell you how I am going to come back, and I want to thank a few people for calling me out while I was slipping. It keeps me in check, THANK YOU. That mixed with the weekly weigh-ins really highlight when and how I am fucking this up.

This week. 0 Beer, Strict Diet, back on the bike, plus some muscle training to get back down to sub 250!

I am going to start this Cheat Day with the bad ass meal I ate around 2AM Friday night. NO, though technically 2 AM is Saturday morning not Friday night, it does NOT count as Cheat Day. As stated before in this blog Cheat Day should begin as soon as I wake up Cheat Day morn as to not effect my weigh in, Which I am sure it did this week.

The amazingly delectable late-night meal was devoured at a new family owned establishment on North Ave. between Second City and Steppenwolf called: Forastero. Forastero boasts a lovely and new late night atmosphere, BYOB status, and a Mexican-Korean fusion. There is a high amount a care put into every dish we ordered, including something as simple as their french fries which came with a garlic aioli. French fries are a hard thing to fuck up but they are also hard to get perfect. I will say everything about these fries was perfect, down to the temperature, which stayed hot for an alarming amount of time.

The other items I tasted from this fine establishment all receive a similar praise. Everything came to the table piping hot and the dishes were packed with an intense and interesting level of flavor. My three tacos were each unique and delicious. The "Esta Camaron" was stuffed with fried shrimp some light veggie garnishes and two delicious spicy sauces: a Korean aioli and seasame sauce. Fuck my nuts off I love spicy sauces and theirs CRUSH. I also ordered the "Porky Pig" which was STUFFED with shredded pork that was so nice and juicy! I am VERY aroused. The third was a "Tinga de Pollo" because it had chorizo in it and you KNOW I love chorizo.

Finally I ordered one of their house specialties (and staff favorites) for the table: Dak Wings. These puppies were scorching hot for what felt like forever. The sauce they were covered in was hella (that's right I'm using hella now) unique and deadass to die for. It was a pomegranate molasses mixed with the spice of Guajillo and Gochugaru peppers. Seriously go check this place out! Especially if you are in that area often. You will NOT be disappointed.

The rest of my cheat food included home made smothered and covered Waffle House Hash Browns (YUMMY DUMMIES!) and a chocolate covered donut.

Side note: Be careful going to the grocery store the morning of cheat day as you are buying food that is supposed to last several meals. Not only does it leave you with tempting excess, but it also costs more than you think!

I DID go to Taco Bell to get the new Wild Naked Chicken Chalupa (meh it was fine, FILL THAT FUCKER UP WITH THAT BEEF, BELL! COME ON!). I also got a Beef Quesarito, a Chicken Quesadilla, and a Cheesy Gordita Crunch with a Doritos Locos Taco....so...sorry not sorry!

Then there was BEER, waddup Alex?! Mostly Busch Light from a can and Miller Light Pitchers from the bowling alley. "Which bowling alley you TUB OF DUMP?!"

Come on! Easy on the nicknames! If you want to bowl, please go to Timber Lanes! And that my friends wraps up this week's Cheat Day! Of course there wasn't as much to eat as usual, what with my late Friday night meal I am counting, but I still managed to eat some real nice shit! Some shitty ass shit! Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and eat like you life depended on it.

ELE,
Zach