Good gravy guys. “Thank you, it’s just brown and water.” Did you miss me last week? Well I missed you! But, I was busy. Traveling around like a mad man. So let’s go back…WAY BACK to LAST Cheat Day, 8/27/22.
I, of course, woke up like it was any other Cheat Day morn’ with a twinkle in my eye, palpitations in my heart and a massive massive erection. The only thing that could cure any of this, mind you, is a creamy coffee with dulce de leche and a spicy cheese bagel, so that is OF COURSE what I took to the face post haste.
This Cheat Day is shaping up to be a special Cheat Day as it has been recently decided that I will be hitting the buffet this Cheat Day. Not just any buffet either, but Fogo De Chão. For those who don’t know Fogo De Chão is a Brazilian Steak House chain restaurant from Brazil. Also for those who don’t know, most Brazilian Steakhouses are all you can eat meat. And lastly, for those who do not know, I, FartPinch, have NEVER been to a Brazilian Steak House fucking EVER.
“GASP!”
I know, I feel ashamed. But this Cheat Day it is time to fix that.
“But FartPinch! Sounds like it’s an awful lot of protein for a Cheat Day!”
It is indeed you cheatin’ ass busters. But I’ve got one word for you: Cheese-Rolls! I hyphenated it, sue me. You gotta say it hyphenated when you’re shoving cheese-rolls in your cheatin’ face two at a time. Aside from the deliciously melty flaky orgasmic cheese-rolls which are better than cheddar bay biscuits from that Lobster place by a fat FAT margin I got a buffet of fruit and cheese, candied bacon, waffles and hash (cause it was brunch) plus they just kept bringing garlic-butter mashed potatoes as well as fried bananas and plantains. THAT’S Cheat Day biotch.
Plus the meat. The meat is bad news. The meat is what does me in. You see, one of the reasons I didn’t have the gumption to write you a "Cheat Day. Don’t Care." last week my sweet cheatin’ busters is because I was bested by Fogo De Chao and all of their meats. I left the place in extreme discomfort. I went on a walk to try to walk it off and felt as though I might puke on a couple different occasions. The only thing left to do was lay down on the floor for two and a half hours. So, that’s what I did. I laid there and watched a crazy Japanese movie from the 80s called “Tampopo.” It’s a western about ramen, which I will have to get one of these Cheat Days. It’s weird as hell but worth a watch.
Despite it’s slaying of my colon I have to give Fogo De Chao my point and pump from last week’s cheat day. It basically bullied me into it. And, here’s a rank of the meats from worst to best for those of your who love lists and rankings (my top 5 of 13 meats, YES I TRIED ALL 13 MOTHER):
- Bacon Wrapped Chicken and Steak (Medalhoes Con Bacon) Bacon, c'mon!
- Top Sirloin (Alcatra)
- Spicy Pork Sausage (Linguica)
- Beef Ribs (Costela)
- Prime Part of the Top Sirloin (Picanha) OH YEAH!
After my two and a half hour hiatus I pounded a Mexican Coke to set myself straight. Holy Shit it worked! Git you some! I then head out to the Side Door at The Pub and The People in DC. I know the bartender, Ulf, no big deal. It’s a fun little basement bar that is decked out like the basement in That 70s Show. Ulf curates a kitschy craft cocktails list, each of which has a fun lil’retro name.
FOR INSTANCE! I started with an “It’s Britney Bitch!” Which pains me to admit is retro now. It is a tasty tequila drinks with watermelon and some thyme, which Ulf lit on fire like a mad man! I also got to taste an Alexis (not sure what is so retro about that, but hey whatever) which was a bourbon and banana bevy. VERY good. Probably better than Britney. Yeah, I said it. Alexis is better than Britney! What of it?! I followed all that up with midwestern staple, Zombiedust after Zombiedust until I was properly Zombiefied.
Amidst the delicious cocktails and high ABV draft beers I decided to go ahead and top my meat filled intestines with a chicken quesadilla, some Mac and cheese and tempura fried cauliflower. I’ll save you some time. Stick to the cauliflower. It’s not the cheatinest dish, but it is for sure the tastiest.
Still feeling like a failure I limped back to my bed and laid down face up and passed TF out. I may have lost the battle, but I’ll win this war.
Morning measurements:’
- Nips:
- Belly Button:
- Hips:
- Tip:
So, I promised you cheaters a two for one this week, didn’t I? Well you’re in luck! Cause even though I was traveling a ton last week I cheated this past Cheat Day anyway! In PHOENIX, ARIZONA! Or as I call it Red Denver. The mountains are red, the people are red and if you do it right, the stool is red.
“Awwww, FARTPINCH! C’mon!”
How many times am I going to have to apologize? You either get me or you don’t, okay? Well, if Phoenix is Red Denver that must make Denver: Blue Phoenix! FUCK that’s a cool name. I think we should make them switch. Alright, I digress, I know.
So I don’t really get why 1.8 million people choose to live in uninhabitable waste land, where if you’re lucky enough to survive the oven like 108 - 114 degree days you still have to watch out for poisonous insects, prickly plants and ravenous, desperate coyotes. Regardless, psychos seem to enjoy it so they’ve carved themselves out a pretty weird ass major metropolitan area for themselves. I really hope our society's entire infrastructure doesn’t collapse, cause those folk are the fuckedest.
“The fuck'd you eat dude?! C’mon!”
Oh yeah! So, to start, I was on east coast time, so I was up like MAD early. Real fuckin’ early. Like 6AM. And the place I was staying had all this crap:
So I just ate all of that stuff right away. I put as much of it in my mouth as I could. There were elephant ears, mango, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, bananas, salty ciabatta rolls, chocolate chip cookies, Spanish omelets, croissants, milanesa, desutshce chocolate cookie varieties and all the coffee I could drink. Now that’s cheat day heaven BOI, I tell ya HWHAT!
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| Spanish Omlette |
Because I was up so early and was ALL UP in the southwest I had to get me a little tex-mex. I made my way down to a lil’ol’diner chain called “Snooze” for some breakfast tacos. When I arrived at Snooze their bar was STACKED. I’m talking liquor store stocked. So I figured why the hell not, it’s Cheat Day after all. “Gimme a god damn Mimosa and make is a 90% bubbly my fair lady!” I shouted in my best Yosemite Sam accent.
The breakfast tacos were bomb as well: egg, chorizo, hash browns, creme fraise, pico de Gallo. PERFECT. The mimosa smashed too and now so am I.
Now, the main event out in Phoenix came from the recommendation of a pizza friend of mine. Really, he’s one of my all time best friends and he’s the fastest gun east of the Mississippi. He makes his own pizzas and I was waiting to feature pizza on the Cheat Day. Don’t Care. blog until I went and enjoyed some of his home made pies. BUT, he said this guy out in Phoenix was legit and his books about pizza have helped him learn how to do his own, so what the hell.
Pizzeria Bianco has multiple locations around Phoenix now so it is not as slammed as it has been traditionally, though I still wait about 20 minutes in the hot hot mid-day summer heat in Phoenix for this pizza that better be DAMN GOOD!
Well, they got lucky. It was delicious and a little unique Neapolitan style small pizzas. Going completely off of the recommendations of the fastest gun east of the Mississippi I order accordingly:
1. Rosa (their signature white pie topped with red onion and pistachio)
2. Wise Guy (another white pizza with dope ass fennel sausage and grilled onion) and
3. Sonny Boy (soppresatta, red sauce, olives).
OBVIOUSLY the Sonny Boy is the best one (Tomato Sauce DUH!), followed closely by the Wise Guy (MEAT!). BUT, the Rosa is surprising. It’s different. It starts off a little sketchy but it pulls through with each additional bite. I was skeptical sure, but it was worth a shot.
I’m gonna come clean. I did not finish each of these pizzas. These were all to share. What I will say is I probably ate at least an entire pizza plus a slice or two. Not only that, I had this crazy delicious meat/cheese appetizer, wood fired spiedini and a local pilsner to boot. Not bad for the main event.
This week’s cocktail is a dark and stormy too, just cause I ordered one from the bar across the street, call The Macintosh, while I waited for my seat in the pizzeria.
As the sun set in the desert and on this Phoenix Cheat Day I wasn’t getting much hungrier so I didn’t make too much of a stink about having anything else to eat. I just had my hosts bring out a small assortment of Cheat Day friendly treats such as:
- Cheese
- Crackers
- Grapes
- Berries
- Breadsticks
- More Cheese
- Muffins
- Croissants
- Cheese Again
- Beer
- Wine
- Watermelon
- Mango
- A crazy pastry we BLASTED custard all over.
It’s what I do on Cheat Day when I’m no longer hungry. *Licks fingers*
Welp, I am on East Coast time remember? So I get to bed REAL early. A Cheat Day started early is often ended early. I think I did it. I did not let this one beat me. Instead, I got what I wanted through and through and I did not relent!
No measurements this week studs! I left the tape measure at home, where I hope to leave myself this week. Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it!
ELE,
Zach
