Jack Brown Can Ring My Bell, "Y Tu Mama?"

BluhDOW! Cheatereenos! Ya boy's back for another fat frickin Cheat Day! Who's fat?! NOT ME! Well...not AS fat! And all thanks to Cheat Day!

It's Cheat Day morn and I roll outta bed and onto a bowl of extra cheesy Cheez-Its. It's breakfast time after all and what goes good with Cheez-Its? CHEESE, you dumb donkeys. Sos I cuts up a nice chunk of cheddar to SLAP it on top of dem chee-Z crackers and cram as many in my mouth as I can before Slumlord Millionaire rolls out of bed his darn self and says, "HEY! Let's go to the store, we got liquor to buy!"

Heh Heh

"Yessir!" I reply and we head off to the store, first the grocery so I can get some Fruit. You know I love fruit, bananas, oranges, peaches, pineapple and strawberries. I eat most of it on the short drive to the liquor store where we get some extra booze to complete this week's cocktail of the week, the kitchen sink (more on this later). 

Once I return home I throw together a DELECTABLE 90/10 mimosa with some of that VERY nice fruit to garnish all while snacking on more fruit, cheez-its and this HALLOWEEN BAG of mini-twix! It's Halloween candy season people! GO AND GET IT! With that, breakfast is over! It's time for LUNCH.

Slumlord suggests Jack Brown's Burgers and Beer. At 11AM? Why THE HECK NOT! We cruise over to OLD JACK'S and the 5 person staff stops and stares at the site waltzing into their establishment. With weather this nice and a small audience I just have to peacock. Before reaching the patio I toss out a little spin move and finish with a hip thrust. Once at the patio I smack a kid's hamburger out of the little turd's hand then tussle his hair. I take the beer out of some fat slobs fist and finish it off for him. I delicately drag the tip of my pointer finger under the hostess' chin as I take my final steps into the bar where I leave my sunglass ON, of course, but snap off my bra, which supports my massive jugs, and I flip it up onto their chandelier!

We position ourselves in the middle of the bar and I DEMAND a Jack's Abby House Lager a "When in Roam" burger and a side of Mac n' Cheese. "On the double! I've got other things to eat, by God! It is Cheat Day after all!" And the staff works vigorously to bring me my victuals. Once they hear those hallowed words, they do know this is serious!

                        

The burger is bomb. It beats the Cobra Burger, for my money. The "When in Roam" is a new Thursday special they are just "trying out" and it comes topped with chipotle pimento cheese, American cheese, crispy fried onions, and jalapeno bacon jam. I love a bunch of SLOP on my burger. I SLOP IT UP. And, I can attest to their basic burger as that is what Slumlord Millionaire eats. He too, is beyond satisfied by the flavor AND portions. 

BUT THEY DON'T STOP THERE. The Mac and Cheese is dope as hell. Perfect burger joint mac, no frills, nothing fancy, just creamy cheesey deliciousness. They give every diner a giant squirt bottle of their sauce (a gourmet version of McDonald's Big Mac Sauce...I smell a trend burger bars) but it's perfect for the deliciously crispy crinkle fries and the occasional dip of the burger. Then, to cap it off, they sell fried oreos individually, which makes the perfect capper to a Cheat Day lunch. Bravo, Jack Brown's...BRAVO.

Saturday might be Cheat Day but sometimes it's ALSO for the boys. Slumlord Millionaire and I head back to the pad to put on some cute tanks and booty shorts so we can power wash the property and give the neighbors a show while we're at it. All the while we pound Peronis and Chug Miller Lites out of the baseball bat. A pretty nice little Cheat Day. 

When the work (and the group shower) is done, it's time again for fun. Before going off to our next stop we mix up our COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK! This week it's a Kitchen Sink (which we discover is really more of a shooter: rye whiskey, gin, peach brandy, lemon juice, orange juice, powdered sugar and 1 egg shaken vigorously in ice and strained into glass. I give it a measly C-.

Now, we head to The Veil brewery where they house a little Taco Joint known as "Y Tu Mama." Former college roommates and Cheat Day fanatics, OmmBeautiful and OmmBeautifuller meet us there. I've drank at The Veil a bunch and usually I'd say their beer is overrated. There's a lot of Breweries in town and that's just not the best, for my money, like their reputation...and locations might otherwise dictate. But, with this trip I am pleasantly surprised. The Veil's Pilsner, called "Deep," actually tastes like a Pilsner this time and their nearly 10% ABV "Tomb Tomb" IPA is surprisingly refreshing. 

HOWEVER, the MAIN EVENT. AND. My POINT AND PUMP of the Week! Goes to Y. Tu. MAMA! (AIR HORN x 3!) I get carnitas tacos (per slumlord's rec) I get the gypsy quesadilla (per the OmBeautifuls rec) and they are both a hit. The carnitas was juicy and crispy and the hot sauce and consomme were TO DIE FOR. I'm a dip man, what can I say?! The gypsy quessadilla had cheese grilled to the outside of it! Such a Taco Bell move...and I FRIGGIN LOVE Taco Bell. This this is filled with guajillo chicken, bacon, pineapple, and fresh onion and it's EXCELLENT. I simply must go back. Then again, as ya'll know I love mexican food, I love tex mex, I love cheese, I love sauce. This place does it all wonderfully.

NEXT! My little crew recommends a little soft serve. Serve me up BABY and I'll spike it right down my big fat face! Lucky for Cheat Day it's not even a block away. We stumble our way to Charm School Study Hall, which is a little window on the side of a building that serves up vanilla, chocolate or twists (either dairy or vegan) with a variety of sprinkles, toppings and sauces. I choose twist (duh) with cinnamon streusel sprinkles and top it with some toasted mallow. Stuff was bomb, as you can see below I am in fact pointing and pumping. Do not be fooled, however, my official point and pump of this blog still belongs to Y Tu Mama. 

Felling mildly comatic I sit down for a while...with a Miller Lite in my hand, some Cheez-Its, and this pimento cheese for dipping. The thought to throw in the towel crosses my mind. This ol'food hole might be closing things down early this Cheat Day. I'm sorry Ommbeautifuls...this week might be my weakest week yet. When, all of a sudden, I hear the faint whistle of a sharp evening wind, a tumble weed blows by, and the sharp metallic sounds of spurs hitting the driveway. Good crow! It's the fastest gun east of the Mississippi swooping in to enjoy some fourth quarter Cheat Day!

This fast gun RALLIES the troops! "GET UP!" He shouts! "We're going to get us a COCKTAIL! And maybe some TACO BELL!"

"Y..yes sir Mr. Mississippi! Where to?!" I reply timidly and very full. 

"Hotel Greene is the spot for a cocktail." He says gruffly. 

"A hotel? If you say so." I unwisely question.

"AND INDOOR GOLF COURSE!" He shouts. "Now, LET'S RIDE!"

The busy staff of The Hotel Greene see us coming and they stop dead in their tracks, they know what kind of debauchery is about to descend on their otherwise uneventful Saturday night. We boys kick in the doors to the joint but are thrown off instantly by the cheerful greet of the bellhop checking IDs. He was dressed head to toe in, what else, GREEN. The lobby is lavishly decorated with prop suitcases, gaudy wallpaper, and faux works of art. The bar is both gorgeous and gorgeously stocked. The sense when first entering is one of frivolous whimsy. They sign us up for a little golf, seat us at a table to wait and offer to grab us some libations. 

I order up a Dickinson Square: Rittenhouse rye, Luxardo maraschino, Cynar, lemon, absinthe, angostura bitters. It really hits the spot and settles my stomach before this very serious game of miniature golf. The fastest gun east of the Mississippi orders an RVA Mule: Belle Isle Honey Habanero moonshine, which is quite spicy and because it is Cheat Day we order a spring pea puree flatbread which is also topped with prosciutto, grape tomato and mozzarella. It is lackluster. 

Before we shove off for our game we order a couple of Narangsentt Lager tall boys to golf with. The course is delightful. Its design and decorations and wonderfully executed, it's like we're playing golf on the set of a Wes Anderson movie. There are small miniatures exhibits hidden along the way, just peer into certain peepholes to find them. However, this design makes the course difficult to play. On some holes we are crammed into corners or smashed up against wells. 

HOWEVER AGAIN! They have staff walking the course asking if anything is needed! YES, DUH, Another GOSH DARN Narangsett, por favor! Next thing you know, the nice lady comes around the corner with our delicious beers and spills them everywhere, so she leaves us the half beers AND gets us two more. Everything's coming up Cheat Day!

We finish the course, pay the tab...and head on our way to round out the Cheat Day with some...you guessed it...Taco Bell. This is only my second trip to Taco Bell since the start of this whole venture and I've learned something about Taco Bell. It ALWAYS scratches the itch. Even when it is disappointing. But yes, it can be disappointing. I'm finding that it is certainly best to limit my Taco Bell intake. One way to do that, is to avoid the Taco Bells at night. Not only is it worse for you then, but it is also more poorly constructed. 

After I finish my "modest" order of itch scratching Taco Bell I fall asleep like an angel on the couch, beer in hand. 3 Floyds Zombie Dust is this week's pass out beer of choice! I have sweet Cheat Day dreams for tomorrow it is the run of the mill daily waking nightmare that is Non-Cheat Day.

MEASURE UP!

NIPS: 48 1/4 (UP, 1 1/4 inched - Big FAT boobs needed a BIG FAT BRA, but only for a day)
HIPS: 42 1/2 (UP 1/8th of an inch, rockin' that PHAT ass too)
Belly Button: 44 (DOWN - most importantly - 1/8 of an inch)
PTB: 178 CM (peaCOCKing baby)

Alright everybody! Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

And 2 For the Walk

Good day Cheaters. I write to you this week with FANTASTIC news! I am down 17.4 pounds since my first weigh in! Now, no one has been complimenting me (ASSHOLES) and that's probably a good thing. Everyone should continue to call me fat so that I don't lose my focus. I still need to lose 45 pounds after all! Thank you all for your encouragement, even if the only encouragement you give is silently reading this blog!

I put another epic Cheat Day into the books so lets get started. Here is how I lost weight this week. I woke up at 8:30 or so in order to get some quality time with my boo and get a nice hearty Cheat Day breakfast. Liz and I went to the Over Easy Cafe for what turned out to be quite the pleasant surprise! I had never been and it has been years since Liz had been so she could not remember the quality of the place. It's a short walk from where we live on Damen and Argyle. We've passed by it several times as another favorite of ours is right next door:  Bang Bang Pie and Biscuits! and there's always a massive wait outside of Over Easy Cafe so it's like how could it be that friggin' good?! Especially when there's a BANGER of a breakfast place right next door.

Our main concerns were the wait (OBVIOUSLY!), portions (CAUSE CHEAT DAY!) and there menu contained mostly egg heavy dishes which I can eat all GOD DAMN week long on the slow-carb diet! So I was concerned alright. I don't want to waste a fucking cheat meal on mother fucking eggs, I don't care how friggin' good they are. Guess what though you guys! The squashed ALL of these concerns. There was a wait, yes! Which sucks for breakfast. You're tired, you're HUNGRY and...let me take a minute to describe the Cheat Day morning hunger alright!

It's the hangriest hunger there ever was. I have very little patience when I'm not SHOVING bread and cheese covered in butter and sugar into my face after the first half hour I'm awake.

Anyway, The Over Easy Cafe offered free cups of delicious Intelligenstia coffee while you wait out in front of the restaurant, which really went a long way in curbing my HANGER. They have a list of weekly specials, one of which was a DELICIOUS and ENORMOUS breakfast sandwich which I ordered and ate the SHIT out of. I ate it so HARD that at one point the waitress came by the table and said "damn, you are serious about that sandwich."

The Appalachian Spring Breakfast Sandwich

Blue Berry Crunch Pancakes

To which I replied yer "GOD DAMN FUCKING RIGHT! DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS?!" The sandwich was known as The Appalachian Spring Breakfast Sandwich and contained some usual stuff like eggs. Some unusual but rather tasty stuff it contained was smoked pork belly, tomatoes, a TON of fontina cheese, and these things called ramps which may be the most delicious onion I've ever had. The toasted telera roll it was served on was soft and buttered and to DIE for. The sandwich also came with some standard but cheat-a-rific home fries. Liz ordered blue berry crunch pancakes which I tried as well and they were also super delicious! I give the Over Easy Cafe a SOLID point and pump!

The rest of the day was spent filming yet another episode of our upcoming web series "A Bit Touched." So the rest of my cheat day consisted of 7-Eleven snacks yet again. We're talking tortilla chips and fake cheese dip, Cheeto-paws, Donuts, "Deadpool" Trolli sour gummies, Taco Bell Fire Sauce Doritos, and 7-Eleven Pizza. Something I didn't tell the rest of the cast and crew was that when I went on the snack run I stopped quickly at a pizza spot on the corner called Godfather's Pizza and ordered 2 sub-par slices for the walk to the 7-Eleven to get the snacks.

Friend and Rock Star James Manno opened my eyes to the quality of Chicago slices a few weeks ago. The consistency of the New York style hand-tossed thin crust crust at Godfathers and all over the city is just dry and cardboardy. The rest of the ingredients are always fine as far as pizza goes. In this case the cheese, sauce, and pepperoni were solid enough to carry the slices.

It's now time for Alex Romero's favorite section. It's time for beer. One of the main concepts in the episode that we shot on Cheat Day was that I we drink Milwaukee's Best and LOTS OF IT. Why did we do that to ourselves you ask? Because we are freakin' idiots and we like the nickname "Beast Ice"! But it really wasn't as bad as I remember, I must have drank about 7 of those things before we left the shoot and hit up Nick's on Wilson to meet back up with our favorite bartender Nick Taylor! He poured my Allagash Whites, 3 Floyd's Alpha King, and Miller High Life's all night long. READER WARNING: DO NOT OVER IMBIBE ALCOHOL! IT IS NOT SAFE! DRINK RESPONSIBLY!

Oh also, I went back to 7-Eleven and bought an Italian Sub for when I got home to soak up some of that beer. It was an awesome Cheat Day people. This web series is going to be SO ridiculously stupid and hilarious and we hope you like it. I am on my way to meeting my goal ALL while eating and drinking like a ridiculous monster! I LOVE IT and so do you! Don't LIE! I'm told my dad reads this and is confused as how this is a diet blog yet all I talk about it eating horrible food and drinking shitty beer. Well, DAD, the rest of the week I only eat vegetable, protein, and beans. Take care of yourself, take care of each other, and eat like your life depended on it!

ELE,
Zach Finch

Don't Want To Walk Around Being Tied To Anyone Else's...Strings Ramen

Good day cheaters and welcome back to CHEAT DAY DON'T CARE! The blog where I tell YOU how I'm going to lose weight and still eat like a GOT DANG MANIAC! WOOOO! This was a doozy of a Cheat Day and I did a lot so let's get right into it.

I woke up hung over, cause I was drinking vodka sodas Friday night with my buds Brian, Rob, and Mike. We had a little too much fun, but SO WORTH IT. I weighed groggily in and the scale said I lost 5 pounds from the week before which means I am WAY back on track and heading hard and fast toward my goal! After the weigh-in I forced my lovely lady out of bed to hit the local breakfast/brunch spot Marmalade, which I've already discussed in this blog a few weeks ago. I NEEDED to eat and fast cause I was pretty hung over and was running on very little food (not a good idea for you drinkers out there).

I accidentally ordered the same exact meal I ordered last time I went there, the fried chicken, biscuits, and gravy. Not the best biscuits and gravy in town but you can't really ever go wrong when you head to biscuits and gravy land. Plus the piece of fried chicken that comes with it is excellent and really jacks it up a notch. Liz ordered way too many pancakes and we also ordered a side of corned beef hash to split. NOTICE: the corned beef hash at marmalade is the best corned beef hash or MAYBE EVEN HASH I have ever had. If you go there for any reason at all, ALSO get a side of corned beef hash and then tell me about it!

After all that I went home and took a much needed nap. It was a nap the likes of which was so necessary that I awoke late for the recording of this week's Chooch Chat podcast! (Go click the link to listen to our latest episodes!) On my way to the podcasting I stopped by a Subway because those wrap commercials FOOLED ME! I got a chipotle southwest steak and cheese wrap. It was so bad it was good. You know how that's a genre of movie? Well that's what subway does with food. Taco Bell is obviously the king of that food category but every now and then Subway puts out a sandwich concoction that fits such a mold and the steak and cheese wrap sticks the landing. Give it a try...if you have to.

I got to the podcast and started slowly knocking back beers, you know for a little hair of the dog. Also, need I remind you, cheat day is the only day I drink beer, so I start early and I go all night. After the cast I met up with Liz, who was on a dinner break, at Strings Ramen on Belmont! This is my new local joint of the week! STRINGS, named after that old, bad Blink 182 song (probably not really but fuck it, look it up and fact check me on it). It was a quality ramen spot and it was indeed chilly enough outside that it was the perfect choice for an early dinner or Linner.

Some of you are prolly all like "Ramen?! like top ramen for 25 cents a packet?!"

No you MORONS, Ramen is super "in" these days. Real, quality, ramen is everywhere go get some.

"Oh, well, so it's over priced hipster food, is that what you're telling us?"

YES! Jesus, okay? It IS overpriced (Just like everything is these days) but it's delicious and done VERY well, so SHOVE IT UP YER BUNGHOLES!

"What'd you order dip shit?"

That's better! I ordered some shrimp dumplings which were the tits. They were just perfect. They were soft and tasty and came in a deliciously zesty sauce. As a main course I order from their house specialty "Hell Ramen." They have 5 spice levels for Hell Ramen. If you finish their level 5 in 20 minutes you win a $50 gift certificate, a T Shirt, and painful sweaty diarrhea for 3 straight days. I did NOT do the challenge.

"PUUUUUSSSSSSSY"

Assholes... because I knew better! It would not have been a good idea for me on this Cheat Day. I wasn't ready for such a challenge at all (hungover, tired, still more cheat day left to go). I got a level 3 and enjoyed it, savored it, like a real human man! Level 3 was even quite spicy, to my surprise and delight. Not holy shit fuck my mouth spicy, but spicy. I can only imagine what 5 would be like. I think I WILL try it some day, but I will work my way to it. Next I will try 4 and then I will move to 5 for the challenge.

The broth was delicious. The pork they used tasted almost like ground Italian sausage they put on pizza which made for a nice fusion-y flavor. The noodles were a tad thin for my liking, hence "Strings." I like a slightly thicker noodle to slurp up and graze my chin in my ramen. Ramen is hard to screw up. Strings might have had my favorite Ramen broth in Chicago, but I like the noodles of a competitor in Wicker Park better. Still, the dumplings were dope and it was a real nice Feng Shui in the restaurant. I give Strings Ramen a full point-and-pump. Go try it.


The next thing I ate was more beer. I knocked back 3 Miller High Life tall boys while watching the Celtics progress to round 2 of the NBA Playoffs. AND THEN the capper. I met up with friends for drinks for one Jackie Alamillo's birthday. Shout out to her! I drank, you guessed it! BEER! I had a few 3 Floyds something or other on tap from Jerry's sandwiches. I can never remember the names of 3 Floyds' beers because they are always pretty complicated. But I drank them, and they were delicious! Some fried cheese curds were ordered and so I popped a couple of those hot melty som-bitches in my face. Someone also ordered some BBQ Chicken Sandwich that they couldn't finish (losers) and I reaped the benefits of their lesser stomachs and ate about a third of that thang. It was awesome! So check out Jerry's in Lincoln Square as well.

We then moved on to a dive bar that was empty and GUESS WHAT YOU GUYS! They had liters of Stiegl and I was a happy camper. I had two more of those and a couple of nasty shots of schnapps. After everyone went home I was left alone with my bike in Lincoln Square and uhoh! when the potential judgers are away the Zach will play as long as it's Cheat mawfuggin DAY! So based on that rule I slow rolled down Lincoln to Taco in a Bag and ordered a "Big Jim Reeves" with extra chorizo gravy up in there. Now, for super late night eats, Taco in a Bag is perfect. I don't think Taco in a Bag is something I have ever reviewed in Cheat Day. Don't Care. so I might want to save a full break down for later. But, in a nut shell it is fancy nachos with different toppings. Some are good, and some are not so good. Big Jim Reeves is excellent.

I got home and passed THE FUCK out. What a cheat day guys. Tip to tail I was cheating like a maniac! That's what happens when the scale says you've lost 5 pounds! Here's to more weight loss this week! I can and will keep it together! Thank you all for believing in me! We got this! I'm gonna be so skinny it's gonna be GROSS! Take care of yourselves! Take care of each other! Eat like your life depended on it!

ELE,
Zach