An RVA Cheat Day Number 1

Greasy Bag of Fries From Cobra Lounge

HOLY SMOKES Cheat fans! Thank you SO so So SO much for the warm welcome back! Like, your enthusiasm really is wind beneath my big fat ham hocks! Keep your energy and recommendations coming because I'm feeling BIG things are gonna be happening with this new rendition of Cheat Day. Don't Care. It's almost like Cheat Day is starting to care a little- Not a lot! Cause really Cheat Day don't give a fuck.

"BRO pull our kielbasas out of your pie hole and make us hungry would ya?!" FUCK! Fine! But first! drum roll please....................>>>>>>>>>>>>>...............>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>...............RESULTS!

So, you may or may not remember that in this round I am measuring myself as I attempt to lose inches off of my fat fat torso. The ultimate goal? A cheat day FEAST for your eyes! The numbers last week were:

• 47 inches round the nips
• 45 inches round the belly button
• 43.5 inches round the hips
• A 113 mm GNS - Body perception line

The day after Cheat Day this week, ONE WEEK later? I measured in at:

• 45.5 inches round the nips
• 43 inches round the belly button
• 42.5 inches round the hips
• GTP - Body Perception UP to 115mm! NICE

BOOM! Eat that you horseys, anyone that's a NEIGH-sayer will be referred to as a horsey hence forth. And it's only going to get better from here. "WOAH! NO FRICKIN WAY, Like what did your sexy ass eat to shave off those inches from your torso AND add millimeters some other random spot on your body in just one week's time?!"

Well...peep this horsey-ass cheat fans!

Expertly Wrapped by Yours Truly

I awoke at my home base in Richmond, VA with one SEXY ass man on my couch, so I just KNEW I'd have to make him some breakfast and FAST. Dope ass breakfast burritos - all around. Chorizo, egg, pepper, onion, pico, guac, sour cream, CHEESE, TORTILLA. While those cooked I housed an apple, some watermelon, and about 6 Entenmann's wax chocolate donuts...you know the kind? Always unsatisfying.

                         

"Oh OH! APPLE?! WATERMELON?! That's not very CHEAT DAY of you FART PINCH!"

Uh...uh...YEAH IT IS FUCKER! I can't eat tasty ass fruit during the week, DICKS. So I'm gonna EAT IT and fucking LOVE IT! Fruit is a treat you ignorant sluts and I treated myself to an orange later on in the day too and guess what?! I fucking LOVE IT. 

The home made burritos hit the spot, but it was time to get to beer. "FINALLY!" I hit up my brother and hung out in the heat by his above ground farm-feeder pool knocking back Carlsberg's like it was my calling. Crisp, delicious, low to mid-level go-to Carlsberg really hits the spot on a 100 degree days. 

After a couple of "pops" in the sun I was starting to build up a hunger. I've been hearing a lot of hubbub about the burger over at this place called Cobra Burger in my old neighborhood, Church Hill. It's mentioned on some TruTV travel/food show, it won some national burger award on "The Talk's - Food Face Off," and it was brought up several times by some local Richmonders. Two of said Richmonders met me there to enjoy another burger themselves. This is a good sign.

I'm big on burgers. As a darn tootin' 'Merican it's GOT to be one of my favorite all time dishes. I've had some memorable burgs in my day and this one is supposed to crush them all. Well, let's get it out of the way up front. It didn't! Not because it wasn't good. IT WAS. It was a very good gourmet big mac. Worth the money and worth the trip. HOWEVER, I like my patties like I like my BOOTAYS: big, thick and JUICY. Cobra Burger cooks some, less preferred, THIN patties, stacks-em-up, and smashes! That's just not my way! 

Fries and Sauce

Their secret sauce is good especially on their fries which are also good, but reminiscent of long time burger magnate McDonalds' secret big mac sauce. It was messy, which I don't mind. I sometimes prefer my booties messy after all. The Richmonders who joined me turned the experience into a hangover cure and that seemed to work out pretty well for them, so take that for what it's worth. I give it all a pump, but no point. 

Satisfied, I left Cobra Burger and carried on with my Cheat Day. That sex god who was sleeping on my couch from earlier is in town for some band practice, which we had at Orbital Music Park with another SEX god and long time food pal, who for my money is the fastest gun east of the Mississippi!

After band practice the two sex gods and I reconvened back at home base where I made a round of Cheat Day cocktails. This week's drink? The Aviation: Gin, Peach Brandy, Lemon Juice, and maraschino. It was a fruity and tangy ice cold treat for this hot JULY day. Along, with the cocktails? I pulled out some cheese and what was left of the watermelon. This Cheat Day's cheese? Buffalo MOOZUHDEL (mozzarella) and sharp and stinky (reminiscent of sweaty crotch) provolone. YUM YUM in my quickly shrinking TUM TUM. 

That's not all buster ass cheatsters! We've got another restaurant to get to for dinner! Aka meal number 3! AKA the second to last meal of the day! Little Nickle is the place. It's a tiki-esque hawaiian themed cocktail bar and restaurant. PERF. Just different enough from the burger and the breakfast burrito, but boasting flavorful cheat worthy drinks and dishes. But THEN, all of sudden, like firm swift punch to the gut: BOOM! No AC. It was hot in there... and we stayed. 

"YOU MORONS!"

Cosmic Love

I know! It gets worse! We order, we sweat. Our drinks get there. A round of beers for the amateurs. For Me? Their frozen beverage, the Cosmic Love. In that heat, mixed with its apt description for my affinity for Cheat Day, it was the OBVIOUS choice and really quite tasty and very refreshing. 

FOR FOOD! I ordered what was DEMANDED of me! Hawaiian Nachos was an amazing amount of food for the price. Roasted pork, pickled onions, jalapenos, crema on top and YES, SMOTHERED in queso sauce. The ONLY way any place should serve nachos? Spread white queso sauce over every bite. MmmmmM! I could eat it forever.

 Then...the pupu platter. The exact opposite deal as the nachos. An over priced, modest array of gourmet taquitos, crab rangoon, meat skewers, chicken wings, etc. I feel like they charged us $15 just to light an unnecessary fire in the middle of the tray. Don't do it. Get the nachos.

Overpriced

But then! A Cheat Day travesty for the ages. My table mates DID NOT receive their food due to a wait staff error! "GASP!" I know...They ordered the lamb Philly Cheesesteak because they had it before and loved it. It was never entered in the system!!!

NOOOOOOOOO! It was getting heated in there, lemme tell ya, which as you can imagine brought us dangerously close to HELLish temperatures. BUT, the wait staff member admitted their mistake and offered my table mates a free slice of pie. Perfectly handled really, all said and done. 

Nachos at Veil

With obstacles come opportunities. This opened up the idea of going to YET ANOTHER location so that my dinning guests could actually have some dinner. The chosen spot? Veil Brewery which has a small Mexican kitchen attached. They got the nachos, I had one. It was good. This will be a future Cheat Day visit, no diggity. Their Pilsner was meh though. A little too much hops taste on a Pilsner for my liking, keep that shit in your stinky IPAs. 

As Luck would have it the fastest gun east of the Mississippi was driving my drunk ass home and he can be JUST as diabolical as me. Knowing Cheat Day had just a few more hours left he stops at 7-11 for some taquitos and candy. BOOM! A Cheat Day nightcap and another Cheat Day for the books! 

"GOOD GOD you disgusting creep! How could you do that to yourself?!"

What, you mean shave TWO INCHES OF FAT off of my slowly slimming body thus giving my heart less strenuous work to do?! Yeah! Yeah, that's right! Check yerself fam. 

Until next time! Take care of yourselves, take care of each other and eat like your life depended on it.

ELE,

Zach