Wisconsin Cheese - Ice Cream - Fudge OH MY!

Hey hey hey Cheaters! C'mon DOWN to CHEAT TOWN, aka Wisconsin! THAT is where I went THIS weekend. That's right TWO weekend getaways in two weeks and to some of the FATTEST places in this the FATTEST country on Earth! I haven't bothered weighing myself in for the past two weeks on account of these excursions because I can feel, IN MY FLAB, that I not only haven't lost weight but I have gained some back.

I would like my readership to know that the days between the getaways I stuck to the diet just so my body doesn't get completely used to pure crap. So cut me a little slack here!

Now, do you wanna know what I ate and where you should go if you find yourself in Wisconsin?! O-K!

First stop was Wisconsin Dells, WI. Which, if you didn't know, that place is like the water park capital of the world or some shit. I'm not gonna sugar coat it here people. Wisconsin Dells is EEEeeerily similar to Gatlinburg, TN. It's just got a but of kitschy crap: Old Timey Photo Joints, Fudge Shops, popcorn, Ripley's Believe It Or Not museums, random rides, taffy (even though these places are nowhere near salt water). These places are trashy, they are gaudy, and they're fun as fuck.

They are fun on a basic level. Rides are fun. Treats are fun. Strange entertainment like BS museums and side shows are fun. But it's also fun in an ironic way. People watching is fun. Making fun of others is fun. Making fun of the shops, attractions, and food is fun. Really letting yourself just go-all-in at these places makes for a brilliantly fun time.

Aside from that these places are America for good and bad. They are in the middle of beautiful parts of the country. Green lush farmlands or beautiful mountains surround these carnival towns. The people are simple and sweet and helpful.

These areas are also what other countries mock us for. These places are excess, they taunt world culture, they provide nothing for health or mental growth. It's pure visceral enjoyment.

"Bro you GOTTA shut up and tell us all the food you ate!"









Rude. But okay. My beautiful lady Liz and I got to the Wis Dells on Thursday. We ate responsibly before leaving Chicago and on the ride up: Eggs, bacon, apples, coffee, etc. After getting checked in and hanging at the park for a minute we went to to eat dinner at a local spot called Monk's as recommended by Chicago native and Wis Dells expert Leslie Maxey.

Leslie told me I had to try their burgers and THAT we did. They were solid. There weren't too many frills. They tasted like backyard bbq burgers or good old fashioned diner burgers. Liz and I split ours. I got the Jalapeno Cheddar Monkburger and she got the Gouda Monkburger. The Gouda is the way to go. It was delicious. That cheese made it. Also, I surprisingly didn't mind the mushrooms that were stacked on the mother. I ordered a New Glarus Spotted Cow on draft cause WISCONSIN. It was VERY close to the quality of a nice Steigl on Draft at Laschet's Inn in Chicago. We also got their cheese curds because, ya know...Wisconsin... but I'm not going to say much about them because we found better down the road.

The next day we got a free lunch at Pizza Pub thanks to the fact that we signed up to sit through a time share seminar. SIDEBAR: If you run into this scenario, FUGGIN DO IT! You get to mingle with some locals (laid back country folk) and they give you free ass shit like a pizza buffet and tickets to a dope ass water stunt show (Tommy Bartlett)! It was tight as hell!

Anyway, as I'm sure you've all probably correctly assumed, Pizza Pub has a Cici's-esque pizza buffet for lunch and that's what Liz and I ate. It was fine. I ate too much...and here it goes! I had a salad and some very salty french onion soup. I HAD TO OKAY! I needed something green! CUT ME SOME SLACK! Plus their salad bar was pretty choice, lots of good shit. I then ate two plates of pizza (stacked) and a plate of fettuccine-Alfredo. The pizza was MAYBE a notch above Cici's. I had taco pizza, BBQ chicken pizza, cheese burger pizza, cheese pizza, and pepperoni and sausage! THERE, ya HAPPY.

Munchie Madness

Later that night we got some ice cream from a local candy shop. It was delicious. Ice cream is a must when you're up in dairy land!

"What about breakfast? Last week you talked a BIIIIIG breakfast game!"

Well, Liz and I tried to stay somewhat responsible, so we'd only do this to ourselves once a day or so. We only had a bad breakfast once and it wasn't THAT bad really. It WAS at a place called Paul Bunyan's (I KNOW, another similarity! Davy Crockett's breakfast in Gatlinburg and Paul Bunyan's in Wisconsin. These towns love their folklore!) and it WAS all you can eat! But it wasn't buffet style. They just served everyone the same breakfast and you could have as much as you want. Here's a perfect example of excess in all the wrong ways. They offered fruit, but you had to pay extra for it...like fuggin' WHAT?! Give the people some FRUIT for fucks sake. The included items were eggs, ham, sausage, potatoes, pancakes, and biscuits and gravy. I only ordered more eggs and potatoes. Those two things were surprisingly good. I couldn't handle pancakes and biscuits at this juncture.

On our way home and after one of the best things Liz and I experienced (The House on the Rock) we passed through Madison, a LOVELY Cap City for sure. We were told to eat at The Old Fashioned and it TWAS delish. Now DEM Cheese Curds were DANK. They were maybe the best fried cheese I've ever had and for a thing that is pretty much impossible to make bad it is amazing how much better it can be. Go get em! I ordered another jalapeno burger which was ALSO great but different from Monk's. It was a little over seasoned and less love and care tasting...if that makes sense?

I also ordered an Old Fashioned cause, well! When in Rome, err 'Sconsin! It was indeed quite good. I'm no Old Fashioned expert but I've had a handful of Old Fashions where the liquor was a bit over powering and that wasn't the case here.

Honestly, that was about ALL I drank (sorry Alex) cause I was out with my girl and she don't drink and it's not right to be drinking alone. It makes the experience worse for both parties.

I loved Wisconsin. It was truly a cool place with great cheese. A lot of that had to do with who I explored it with. Liz and I lead some fairly busy and hectic lives so even though we live together and work in a band together we don't always get that quality time together and that's important. If you have a significant other make sure you get that in. Go on adventures, explore new places. Be patient with each other and have some GOD DAMN FUN for Christ's sake! Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depended on it.

ELE,
Zach