A Bajan Birth/Cheat Day

NEW RULE! If I for any reason cheat OUTSIDE OF Cheat Day, the following Cheat Day I am only allowed a cheat MEAL! 

"Woah woah woah woah! Fart Pinch....What'd you go an do?!"

Good question reader! I went on a little weekend getaway in the Caribbean for my birthday. 

"NICE! How old are you, Fart Pinch?"

NEVERMIND! All you need to know is I CHEATED for like 5 straight days, and here's what I ate! I land in Barbados and, after getting whipped around the island on the wrong side of the road in an old panel van, I am handed a POWERFUL Rum Punch from the hotel bar. I crush it and am instantly drunk.

Turns out, it ain't yet dinner time on the resort so I'm forced to order a ham sandwich and some fries. NUMBER ONE LESSON! Don't EVER order fries in a fancy place (fine dining restaurant, hotel, country club, etc.) they WILL suck. Fries are meant to be from fast food and chain restaurants. 

Lesson Maw Fuggin TWO: Food in other countries is just better. This ham sandwich looked like some cheap assed slice of canned ham on a stale hot dog bun, but it wasn't that at all! It was FRIGGIN DANK, naw mean?! The bread was nice and fluffy and the ham was tender and salty and the CHEESE! My god, the best slice of cheddar cheese I've had on a sandwich in some time! I wish I'd ordered more. 

What did I have to wash this ugly duckling down? Well don't ASK! GOD! I can't keep track of every fruity frosty tropical drink I drank while basking in the crystal blue water to best the sunny skies for you, OKAY?! We will just say it's this bad boy:

The Canvas was a muddled or pureed watermelon cocktail with a little melon liquor, rum, and basil. It was the most refreshing rum punched drink I've had in my life and I SUGGEST you try making some on your own...maybe next summer when watermelon are back out whole hoggin' it!

After a couple rum punches, two or three Canvases and about 6 Carib beers it was dinner time. I didn't know what to expect at the hotel restaurant but this was a fine dining experience. I ended up crushing... ya know what? I can't really remember. I left my phone in the room, which is what you SHOULD DO on an island vacation!

This is vacation, so I roll out of bed when I darn well FEEL LIKE! I shake off the previous day's trip and I strut back to the restaurant for my GOSH DARN breakfast. There's continental and a full menu. YES I GET BOTH! Fruit, pastries, cereal make up the continental bar and for B-Fast #1 I take on their breakfast burrito. 

Beach time get's had and I make sure to work in a run before hopping on the water taxi and floating on down one of the sister resorts. Low and behold there's a GOT DAMN swim up cave bar in the pool at the sister resort! I sit their a while and enjoy a couple mango coladas, banana daiquiri's and several more Caribs and Presidente beers.

Pleasantly buzzed and sun soaked I go and search for some vitals. What luck! There's a beachside lunch buffet on the patio! I crush some of the most delicious curry I've ever eaten and have a lil'piece of Hawaiian pizza (they love pineapple on pizza BTW) and a few more horrible fries (like a DUMMY...but those fries dipped in that curry was still delicious)! 

Back at home base we catch a "bus" to downtown Bridgetown to experience the Friday Night Fishfry. The whole town turns out for this festival-esque feast. I immediately grab 4 Banks Beers for $12 Bajan dollars and head for Uncle George's stand. I snag the swordfish and Sally Small Stomach decides to one up me with a a whole Red Snapper. The sides that come with these tasty local catches are outstanding and plentiful. Food is just better outside the U.S. Mac and Cheese, cole slaw, grilled potato, sea weed salad.                                  
On our drive through the city I notice a fast food looking place I did not recognize called Chefette. It's a local Bajan chain that has chicken sandwiches, burgers, pizzas, pastas, ice creams, fries and their specialty, Roti. According to O'Neal the cab driver people call ahead an order frozen Roti by the dozens to bring back home with them. Naturally, I have to try this. I spot a Chefette from the fish fry festival and, this maybe being my one chance I waddle my fat full ass down the street to the Bajan Burger King. I get a lentil roti and some fries. 

The fries are FINALLY what fries should be and the lentil roti was a little fast food Indian burrito delight. ESPECIALLY if you like Indian spices. AND I DO!

The next morning it is officially Cheat Day AND it's officially my BIRTHDAY. WHAT?! What a world we live in for that to happen on accident like that. I'm feeling bloated from all the food and all the sugary rum drinks so I make sure I get in a nice hard work out first thing before doing anything and going anywhere. #BuffLikeMe But then? It's breakfast time. 

I am in a little region on the island known as Payne's Bay and there is a "Payne's Bay Breakfast" on the breakfast menu...so naturally I have to have it. It's out of control! It's Caribbean fish stew with some kind of crazy delicious hush puppies, hash browns and grilled plantains! I've never been a big fish guy, and I NEVER thought I'd want it for breakfast, but I ate this for breakfast every other day since.

After breakfast we hop the water taxi up the shore to Crystal Cove for a few hours of relaxing in the sun on the beach and by the pool, snorkeling the crystal blue Caribbean waters, engorging ourselves with more delicious offerings from the beach side lunch buffet and knocking back sweet sweet rum drinks at the swim up cave bar. The drinks of choice for birthday Cheat Day are Mango-Coladas and Banana Daiquiris. TOP DRAWER! 

Back at home base I catch the most glorious sunset I've ever seen while drinking MORE delicious and fruity beverages and waiting for dinner to start. For dinner the Tapestry restaurant served up some delicious leek soup and bread to start, followed by pork loin over risotto and corn with some broccoli and the other was fish on a fried cake thing that was outstanding. 

                                 

The waitress would NOT stop pouring me Rosé which was outstanding and I got AWFULLY drunk while this local lady sang some hits to the Brits growing increasingly more drunk along with me. We waited forever for a dessert menu and I knew what I wanted anyway: chocolate cake with some ice cream in the middle. EAT IT! PLUS some outstanding alcoholic coffee drinks RUM A DUM DUM.                                                                      
Surprisingly I woke up not feeling too hungover in time for the morning yoga on the beach. It cleansed my soul and gave some vital organs a good wringing out. Today, I stick around the home base resort and chill out on the sand and walk the beach and stay by Tapestry for lunch where I eat a little salad FINALLY, tacos and some chicken curry thing that was delicious. Those little crisp things that came with it I could just never stop eating. 

                       

When dinner rolls around I head to the Wave hotel and resort, which seems to be the flagship of the whole operation. It's quite nicely setup and one of their two restaurants is a fine Asian fusion place. Melty Ahi Tuna and crispy beef with chili were the tasty start to the otherwise decent attempt at Asian Fusion. I had an oddly dry thai curry chicken dish, but Sally Small Stomach's seafood dish stole the main course show.

                          

The real winner, though, is their "bread" course which were just these very crispy fried wonton things with a tangy sweet and soury sauce. And dessert? Well, dessert was simply ice cream. Delicious of course, but not much to say there.

                                

After one final Payne's Bay breakfast and a few more canvases it was time to bid farewell to this little slice of paradise. What better way to leave paradise than with a sack full of Chefette? AND riding first class back home! 

          
I've never ridden first class before now and it is truly a dream. I'm handed a delicious cocktail to sip on whilst the lower class PLEABS board the plane. They come right out with more alcohol as soon as the plane was in the air. They slap my sunburnt face with a hot HOT towel. Next up is a tasty lil'dish of warm nuts followed by a full fucking meal of rib tips, mac and cheese, a sour dough roll, salad/hummus and a lil'piece of chocolate cake. ALL OF THAT, plus all the drinks you can drink and all the room in the world to spread out. There truly is no other way to fly.

         
Now, obviously there's no measurements this week since there was extra cheating and THIS WEEK there will be no Cheat Day, just a Cheat MEAL....womp womp, but thems the breaks.

Some final reminders: never order fries at a fancy place, food is just better in other countries, quality is mostly better than quantity but if you can get quality in quantity just say yes. 

Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

Wisconsin Cheese - Ice Cream - Fudge OH MY!

Hey hey hey Cheaters! C'mon DOWN to CHEAT TOWN, aka Wisconsin! THAT is where I went THIS weekend. That's right TWO weekend getaways in two weeks and to some of the FATTEST places in this the FATTEST country on Earth! I haven't bothered weighing myself in for the past two weeks on account of these excursions because I can feel, IN MY FLAB, that I not only haven't lost weight but I have gained some back.

I would like my readership to know that the days between the getaways I stuck to the diet just so my body doesn't get completely used to pure crap. So cut me a little slack here!

Now, do you wanna know what I ate and where you should go if you find yourself in Wisconsin?! O-K!

First stop was Wisconsin Dells, WI. Which, if you didn't know, that place is like the water park capital of the world or some shit. I'm not gonna sugar coat it here people. Wisconsin Dells is EEEeeerily similar to Gatlinburg, TN. It's just got a but of kitschy crap: Old Timey Photo Joints, Fudge Shops, popcorn, Ripley's Believe It Or Not museums, random rides, taffy (even though these places are nowhere near salt water). These places are trashy, they are gaudy, and they're fun as fuck.

They are fun on a basic level. Rides are fun. Treats are fun. Strange entertainment like BS museums and side shows are fun. But it's also fun in an ironic way. People watching is fun. Making fun of others is fun. Making fun of the shops, attractions, and food is fun. Really letting yourself just go-all-in at these places makes for a brilliantly fun time.

Aside from that these places are America for good and bad. They are in the middle of beautiful parts of the country. Green lush farmlands or beautiful mountains surround these carnival towns. The people are simple and sweet and helpful.

These areas are also what other countries mock us for. These places are excess, they taunt world culture, they provide nothing for health or mental growth. It's pure visceral enjoyment.

"Bro you GOTTA shut up and tell us all the food you ate!"









Rude. But okay. My beautiful lady Liz and I got to the Wis Dells on Thursday. We ate responsibly before leaving Chicago and on the ride up: Eggs, bacon, apples, coffee, etc. After getting checked in and hanging at the park for a minute we went to to eat dinner at a local spot called Monk's as recommended by Chicago native and Wis Dells expert Leslie Maxey.

Leslie told me I had to try their burgers and THAT we did. They were solid. There weren't too many frills. They tasted like backyard bbq burgers or good old fashioned diner burgers. Liz and I split ours. I got the Jalapeno Cheddar Monkburger and she got the Gouda Monkburger. The Gouda is the way to go. It was delicious. That cheese made it. Also, I surprisingly didn't mind the mushrooms that were stacked on the mother. I ordered a New Glarus Spotted Cow on draft cause WISCONSIN. It was VERY close to the quality of a nice Steigl on Draft at Laschet's Inn in Chicago. We also got their cheese curds because, ya know...Wisconsin... but I'm not going to say much about them because we found better down the road.

The next day we got a free lunch at Pizza Pub thanks to the fact that we signed up to sit through a time share seminar. SIDEBAR: If you run into this scenario, FUGGIN DO IT! You get to mingle with some locals (laid back country folk) and they give you free ass shit like a pizza buffet and tickets to a dope ass water stunt show (Tommy Bartlett)! It was tight as hell!

Anyway, as I'm sure you've all probably correctly assumed, Pizza Pub has a Cici's-esque pizza buffet for lunch and that's what Liz and I ate. It was fine. I ate too much...and here it goes! I had a salad and some very salty french onion soup. I HAD TO OKAY! I needed something green! CUT ME SOME SLACK! Plus their salad bar was pretty choice, lots of good shit. I then ate two plates of pizza (stacked) and a plate of fettuccine-Alfredo. The pizza was MAYBE a notch above Cici's. I had taco pizza, BBQ chicken pizza, cheese burger pizza, cheese pizza, and pepperoni and sausage! THERE, ya HAPPY.

Munchie Madness

Later that night we got some ice cream from a local candy shop. It was delicious. Ice cream is a must when you're up in dairy land!

"What about breakfast? Last week you talked a BIIIIIG breakfast game!"

Well, Liz and I tried to stay somewhat responsible, so we'd only do this to ourselves once a day or so. We only had a bad breakfast once and it wasn't THAT bad really. It WAS at a place called Paul Bunyan's (I KNOW, another similarity! Davy Crockett's breakfast in Gatlinburg and Paul Bunyan's in Wisconsin. These towns love their folklore!) and it WAS all you can eat! But it wasn't buffet style. They just served everyone the same breakfast and you could have as much as you want. Here's a perfect example of excess in all the wrong ways. They offered fruit, but you had to pay extra for it...like fuggin' WHAT?! Give the people some FRUIT for fucks sake. The included items were eggs, ham, sausage, potatoes, pancakes, and biscuits and gravy. I only ordered more eggs and potatoes. Those two things were surprisingly good. I couldn't handle pancakes and biscuits at this juncture.

On our way home and after one of the best things Liz and I experienced (The House on the Rock) we passed through Madison, a LOVELY Cap City for sure. We were told to eat at The Old Fashioned and it TWAS delish. Now DEM Cheese Curds were DANK. They were maybe the best fried cheese I've ever had and for a thing that is pretty much impossible to make bad it is amazing how much better it can be. Go get em! I ordered another jalapeno burger which was ALSO great but different from Monk's. It was a little over seasoned and less love and care tasting...if that makes sense?

I also ordered an Old Fashioned cause, well! When in Rome, err 'Sconsin! It was indeed quite good. I'm no Old Fashioned expert but I've had a handful of Old Fashions where the liquor was a bit over powering and that wasn't the case here.

Honestly, that was about ALL I drank (sorry Alex) cause I was out with my girl and she don't drink and it's not right to be drinking alone. It makes the experience worse for both parties.

I loved Wisconsin. It was truly a cool place with great cheese. A lot of that had to do with who I explored it with. Liz and I lead some fairly busy and hectic lives so even though we live together and work in a band together we don't always get that quality time together and that's important. If you have a significant other make sure you get that in. Go on adventures, explore new places. Be patient with each other and have some GOD DAMN FUN for Christ's sake! Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depended on it.

ELE,
Zach