Makin' GAINS...er Losses?

Good day all you cheat fans out there! What a Cheat Day it is! My my! It feels good to make great strides, busters. And this Cheat Day I've made the greatest strides since the start of the experiment. So, DID I cheat extra hard after seeing the results of my extended diet week from hell?! YOU BET YOUR HOT POT! FFFFfffffffOLLOW me!

It's 7:30AM and I peel my eyes open. I'm crashed out on my couch from the night before. It takes some serious effort to lift myself from the comfy comfy cushions, but I know deep down this is the first time I can touch sweet carbs and fats to my slut mouth since Thanksgiving so I find the strength. I riffle through my bag to find the measuring tape and I wrap it instantly around my svelte body. SUCCESS! My daily dietary discipline is paying off. Now! Let's see how quickly I can undo things.

There's a new lil'breakfast sandwich maker in the house, so why not start there. I make my own delicious Cheat'Muffin (Ch'muffin?) with a Thomas' English Muffin, egg and cheddar cheese. While I wait for the machine to do it's work I go ahead and grill up some mini quesadillas to toss down my wide open throat.  

What do I wash it down with?! A BREAKFAST BEER, DUH! Compliments of this Beer Advent calendar from Aldi. The beer itself is so-so. A very light but almost chemically Wheat Ale. Oh well, what are you gonna do?

OFF TO ROSIE CONNOLLY'S for the WORLD CUP! Awwww SNAP! USA got BOUNCED sadly, and so am I if I stay here any longer. But, I do enjoy a delicious Irish Coffee (with Jameson AND Bailey's) to kick it into high gear, a classic Ruben sandwich with a side of fruit, a complimentary piece of lemon pound cake and a bottomless glass of Carlsberg to wash the defeat away. 

After all of that commotion (and beer) I need a minute to lay down. While I lay around for most of the rest of the day I snack on some taquitos. You see, I need to lay and veg a while if I am going to rally for the evening's main event. TONIGHT I'm going for ALL YOU CAN EAT restaurant NUMBER 2! If you're a fan, you'll recall Fogo de Chao kicked my ass and I can't let the same thing happen here at Hot Pot 757. 

Hot Pot 757 is all you can eat Hot Pot and Korean BBQ. I show up with my CREW and they tell us it's an 1hr and 45min wait. PFFFF, no sweat baby doll. We'll just go cause trouble at your bar over there where we knock back bottle after bottle of Soju frightening families with small children using violent but empty gestures and eye contact. 

I never had Soju before. It's Korean alcohol, somewhat similar to wine in alcohol content but not so much in flavor. You drink it in shots. It's also magic. Besides it getting you pleasantly drunk in minutes it allows you to TIME TRAVEL. That hour and forty five minutes felt like just fifteen minutes thanks to good Soju...and good friends. 

"AWWWW FartPINCH you old softy!"

SHUT UP! Once at the table we were in HOG HEAVEN because they plopped raw pork onto the table like they were Emeril Lagasse, BAM! If you'd never been to a Hot Pot or Korean BBQ joint it goes like this:

                                                                                                                        

1. You order your broth - I went with the Thai Tom Yum broth and it was a SO VERY nice but next time I'd for sure go for the spicy Szechuan - I'm a SPICY guy.
2. You order all the crap you want to go INTO your hot pot: shrimp, blue crab, pork belly, brisket, meatball, sausage, scallops, lobster balls, shrimp dumplings, pork dumplings, chicken dumplings and VEGETABLE DUMPLINGS BRING ME THE DUMPLINGS! Plus Udon and Ramen Noodles
3. NOW IT'S ONTO BBQ - We tell the man, we say to him - BRING ME EVERYTHING: Prime brisket, spicy beef bulgogi, cumin lamb, steak with house sauce, spicy pork bulgogi, calamari, garlic shrimp and baby octopus. "VEGETABLES?" Oh EFF off you EFFIN F! Fine! Mushrooms, peppers and potatoes then.
4. THEN, while they're gathering all of that deliciousness for you, you get to go up to the bar and get yourself all of their delicious sauces: hot oils, wasabi, mustards, spicy mayo, but the BEST is the house BBQ sauce. It truly is to die for. They also have chicken feet, kimchi and seaweed salad at the bar for the taking as well.
5.  Eat to your hearts content. AND WE SURE DO. 

After eating two to three courses with an extra helping of BROTH for yours truly I was about ready to fall over. But still, I walked out of there with pride and rode down the street to Country Style Donuts for dessert. It's safe to say I did this Hot Pot joint much smarter than Fogo de Chao and I was reminded of what could have happened as I noticed a sink full of puke on my way out of the bathroom and ultimately the restaurant.

It was late so Country Style's options were limited. I ended up with a lemon filled powder which was still outstanding. I also tasted a bite of Boston Crème later on in the evening. Country Style still reigns as the best donut on the planet. TRY ME. 

High, full and happy I slowly drift off to sleep with the TV on. What a double feature of a Cheat Day, but ultimately the Point and Pump has got to go...TO COUNTRY STYLE DONUTS! YEAH! Although the experience of Hot Pot 757 was fantastic, it simply wasn't the most CHEAT worthy of meals. It was a lot of meat and broth and sea food. VERY tasty but you've got to cook your own FOOD?! AND it's probably not that bad for you at the end of the day. Donuts on the other hand... POWERFUL. 

Now, I mentioned what kind of hot GAINS/LOSSES were made this past week and a half. I chalk it up to not really cheating since Thanksgiving which was the previous THURSDAY and as you should know by now Cheat Day = Saturday. But drumroll please....THIS WEEK:

NIPS: 45.8 inches (1/4 inch smaller!)
BELLY: 42 inches (1 and 1/8 inch SMALLER!)
HIPS: 41.75 inches (1/3 of an inch smaller!)

SLIMING DOWN THROUGH AND THROUGH. How're you boo?! Take care of yourself. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

AVAIL Weekend: A Fruitless Cheat Day

HOLY SHIT y'all! That's right, I'm southern again, SO WHAT?! Gettin' DOWN'N'DIRTY, cheatin' SOUTHERN STYLE! What a wild weekend and a seriously raunchy cheat day to boot. Strap in cheaters cause this one slaps.

Friday night, Tim Barry plays in Richmond. Friends are in town. Some friends I haven't seen in a decade are there. It's a musical celebration. I sing along with every song at the top of my lungs, as did everyone else in the joint. COVID much? I don't fucking care! GIVE IT TO ME! Tim Barry preaches and he makes you feel things. All sorts of things...in your heart. In your gut. And deep DEEP down in yer loins as well. My man! He ends the night with a dance party. 

My crew is hammered and hungry, so even though I cannot partake I drive them through the drive thru of a Cookout. It won't be too long before I return there on an actual Cheat Day. Southerners know what THE FUCK I'M TALKIN' ABOUT! It's L to the Max's first time in VA so I tell her to get the cook out tray and make it fuckin' sing. McD is no stranger to Cookout, so I let him do his thang. Jimmy Mac (the fastest gun east of the Mississippi) orders a hot dog with Ketchup. L to the Max from Chi-Town about ripped his god damn throat out over that one. 

The janky ass drive thru box was tough to navigate with a car full of drunks. After the order for the hot dog was placed either the dork working the radio can't hear me...or he's yankin' my crank "Anything else?" he asked. 

"Yeah, a hot dog with ketchup!" I yell as politely as possible, getting a little peckish and knowing I would not be partaking in any of these delicious food items.

"Garble garble Garble..An- -ing...ELSE?" Says the giant pimple working the cans.

"A HOT DOG WITH KETCHUP!" I shout, again as politely as possible, growing increasingly more frustrated.

"A-y Th-g Else?!" is shouted once again and this time I think this fucking PIP SQUEAK is DARING ME to break my Cheat Day code and I'm about to seriously let him have it-

"A HOT DOG WITH KETCHU-"

"I got the hot dog, anything else?" Says the nerd

"NO!" No, god dammit. Mother fucker, does it sound like theres anything else. Jesus H. Sigh. I let it go. My crew and I laugh it off and they enjoy their delicious snacks as I drive home hungry as fuck. I eat slices of lunch meat and hummus at home then try to fall asleep as quickly as possible. For tomorrow, it is my turn!

I wake up late for the day so I shove the end piece of a loaf of bread in my mouth before gathering up the crew for a most important Cheat Day breakfast bonanza. 

First Stop? Early Bird Biscuit. I'll just say it now. Maw Fuggin Point.And.Pump. Maw fugglers! Ya dig? Shit's good. Real good. There's a medium wait in a line but I'm not sweatin' it none cause Cheat Day don't care if there's lines, Cheat Day gon git what Cheat Day wants.

Once we order, our food is up QUICK. Representin' VA I order a VA Ham Biscuit sammy....wait for it! AND a Saturday Meat Lovers special ...sammy. The ham biscuit was no frills deliciousness, just nice salty ham and a fluffy, buttery square biscuit.

THE SATURDAY SPECIAL?! Instantly a top 3 biscuit I've ever effing tasted! The cheese to bite ratio was immaculate, the biscuit held fast and true, the meat omelet consisted of bacon bits and chunks of delicious sausage with some peppers and onions for flavor. CHEESEY. FLAKEY. BUTTERY. MEATY! Last week I said breakfast is easy enough to do at home. THIS PLACE took a tasty DUMP all over that notion. GO GIT you one! 

 

I munched down on both my biscuits in the car, making a mess of crumbs in my crotch all the way to Country Style Donuts, a classic Richmond staple. Country Style looks like a real shit hole. That's how you know it's gonna be tits. It's a shack off the side of a country road near the Richmond airport. It's a dingy dive of a donut shop. There's a 13-inch old tube tv mounted to a corner next to the menu playing news from 1987. Donuts sit stacked behind the counter ready to be devoured. Apple Fritters and Cinnamon Rolls twice the size of my FAT head sit in the glass case that makes up the counter. If heaven doesn't exist send me to Country Style Donuts when I die.

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I order half a dozen for no other reason besides it is FUGGIN Cheat Day, c'mon now how many times do I have to say it?! I get two chocolate creme, two glazed, a Boston creme, and a fuckin' jelly. I pound one of the chocolate creme's in the car just gettin' my crotch DUSTED in powdered sugar. Between the biscuit crumbs and the powdered sugar, my crotch has never tasted so delicious. The donut? amazing. Many moons ago I lived by this ol'country donut shack. It already was my favorite donut ever in the history of the world and it continues to hold that title. It's soft, doughy, sweet, sugary, chocolatey, and large UGH! I want another one right now! Maybe next time on Cheat Day.

Time is somewhat of the essence on this Cheat Day as Richmond's favorite band, AVAIL is throwing a big festival on Brown's Island this Cheat Day'eve. It's already around noon so we gots to get back to the house to regroup. Broman and Mrs. Broman, along with my slumlord meet my motley crew back at the crib. Did someone say hair of the dog?! BEERS BEERS BEERS CHEESE COCKTAILS AND BEERS! Booze will perk me up good. I get to knockin' back 3 Stiegl Golds and a Millie Lite or 2. This Cheat Day's charcuterie board is VERY fuckin' cheesey. The slumlord pops open his cocktail book and looks for a cheat day cocktail that we've got ingredients for and can serve up to everyone. Whiskey's my spirit and that's our base for the "Brooklyn" cocktail. It's not bad, but much like the borough that is it's namesake it is
just plain not as good as Manhattan. 

  

Sufficiently drunk and full, we're still met with hours to kill before the big show. We decide to venture out into the ridiculous Richmond heat for a contest. The game? Disc Golf, a huge local and possibly international sensation sweeping the land. It's like playing fetch...WITH YOURSELF. Can you drink?! Not legally. Does Cheat Day care? DO I even have to fucking ASK?! I get to tossin' Millie Lites out to anyone who wants one. I drink a can of rosé. I slide all my bottles and cans up in my maw fuggin' robo coozy to keep em nice and cool. Broman and and Mrs. Broman bring out some of her patented cookie dough dip with pretzels to snack on. Uhoh...here it comes... Point. AND. PUMP! This DElicious home made dip delights! She wouldn't tell me what was in it cause...I guess it's not healthy. PFFF I asked her, I asked, "Do you think Cheat Day fucking CARES?! Cause it doesn't!" 

Look Closely For Cookie Dough Dip and the Robo-Coozy Under My Arm

"Cream cheese" she says, "it's mostly cream cheese." Well it's still delicious anyway! Go figure it out for yourselves and give your mouth a party people! 

I have a great time on the front 9 of Bryan Park, but it's time for Cheat Day's main event, AVAIL live at Brown's Island. Richmond's favorite sons will be gracing such a large stage and I am über effing stoked for it! McD drives us down to the event. Once we get through security I pop a gummy which I successfully sneak in through the gates (CHEAT DAY!). We march straight up to...Where else?! THE BEER TENT! The line is long. The clouds over head? Dark and ominous. We get to the front. Lightning strikes. Literally. Instead of ordering a beer, some weather patsy tells me they are clearing the island until at least half an hour after the last lightning strike. "Fuuuuuuuck YOU! Oh, like we AREN'T gonna get struck by lightning over there on the other side of the canal?! WHATEVER MAN!"

My crew and I leave, find a nearby piece of sheet metal and hide under the tallest tree we can find. After quickly tiring of that we say, "FUCK I want a beer and some food (CHEAT DAY!)" and we walk our asses up a giant hill to go to Penny Lane Pub to wait out the storm. This was a perfect idea. Not only do they serve up delicious Carlsberg on tap but they have a pretty tasty British themed pub food menu. I get myself a Will and Kate Plate (Whoever the fuck they are) which is a decent sausage (pfff Brits) in a very lovely fluffy and flakey Cornish Pastey served with a big old cup of gravy. MMMMMM gravy. 

ALSO! I got me the Irish Cheese Fries. Simple! Cheesy! Delicious! The cheese sauce on dem jammers was spicy AF too! Just like I like it. So flavorful. So bad for you. So worth it. So Cheat Day. The pot gummy kicks in. I acknowledge how drunk I am. I crush my food and I stop drinking for a moment. We notice other festival goers closing out and heading back down to the show, so we follow suit. THANK GOD it's all down hill! The weather feels so much better after the storm and as the sun sets. It actually works out nicely.

We set up our lawn chairs at a great space about halfway between the stage...and the food trucks. Cause ya'll know Cheat Day ain't over and ya'll know I'm older and wiser so papa gots to sits. I may be drunk and high and fading fast but it's only about 7 PM at this point! Let's GO! I sit in my chair and stare a while. Half the group goes to get some beers. I drink one OF COURSE. Afterwards that drunken queasiness comes back. "Let me ask yous again....does Cheat Day care?!" It does not. 

I stand and go for a walk to get some air. The food trucks seemed like a nice distance away for a walk. The only thing I knew I wanted was Funnel Cake. Why are festivals and carnivals the only place to get funnel cake for fucks sake?! Sometimes I might just want a god damn funnel cake. Jimmy Mac (The fastest gun east of the Mississippi) escorts me to make sure I don't fall over. What a guy. We decide on the 4 brothers truck. They do burgers and Cheesesteaks. I opt for a Cheesesteak on top of the Funnel Cake. Not literally on top, YOU ANIMALS!

The Cheesesteak and Funnel Cake come out so quick I could barely believe it. The Cheesesteak is salty and mediocre and the cheesewiz they put on it wasn't anywhere NEAR as good as that cheese sauce from Penny Lane. Worth it? Cheat Day don't care. The Funnel Cake?! FUCKING PERFECT! It was basically like little fried dough fries covered in crystalized sugar! MY GOD! So much god damn sugar. It's the best. Everywhere should have it as a dessert option.

AVAIL takes the stage. The band, the cheesesteak, the funnel cake and the sitting in my chair during an opener and a half have me back in it! 100%! AVAIL fucking RIP! Big surprise. The CSX trains roll by and get their own choo choo train solo, which if you know anything about AVAIL this is pretty fucking poetic. The weather stays decent too. It was a beautiful thing.

After the show we walk our asses all the way back up the hill to the car. Stop at 7-11 on the way home for a last ditch Cheat Day effort: Taquitos, Snickers and Dr. Pepper mixed with Cream Soda. CHEAT DAY! NO FRUIT EDITION! I can also say that Dr. Pepper mixed with Cream Soda is pretty fucking tasty. I'm not huge on Sodas but MY GOD is that one delicious. WORTH IT!

After all of that I woke up the day after Cheat Day a little worse for the wear, but I managed to get myself measured and I lost some serious inches yet again! BOO-YA BABY! Ya'll want the numbers?! I know you want those numbers! Here they are:

NIPS: 46 in (DOWN 1 3/4 inches! SO SKENNY BOTCH!)
BB: 43 7/8 in (DOWN 3/8ths of an inch, STILL LOSIN')
HIPS: 42 1/4 in (THE SAME, which is what this booty is lookin' for!)
GTP: 119 MM (HOLY SHIT, SHIT'S SWINGIN'!)

Wow, I love it. I love Cheat Day. I love it every gosh darn week. It makes the rest of the week oh so worth it. The rest of the week gets easier and easier thanks to meals like this:

Greek Salad with grilled chicken breast and without feta
Brats and sauerkraut
Spicy cooked shrimp with bulgur
Fried eggs with guacamole
Foods to snack on: Peanuts, jerky, lunch meat, hard boiled eggs, celery with peanut butter

Damn ya'll. What a great way to lose weight. Give yourself something to look forward to. Do yourself a favor and deny yourself some wonderful things long enough until you really really deserve them. Go to a show. Get together with old friends. Laugh so hard you might puke. Go get a tattoo to remember it all by. Eat a specialty biscuit from Early Bird Biscuits. God dammit listen to Tim Barry and Avail! 

Take care of yourselves, take care of each other and eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

Dinner Diner is BACK!

Hey Cheaters. Not great news...

Me After a Slinger and a Surprise OTHER Meal

"What the fuck dude! How do you start an entry like that?! Get it together!"

Sorry...I'm such a piece of SHIT I know. I can't write blogs, I can't pound nasty food, I can't drink hard, and I can't GOD DAMN diet!

"Alright man! Jeez! Don't be so hard on yourself."

Sorry guys, I'm sorry! Sometimes I drink and eat too much during the week. I gained only 2 pounds this week but for god's sake I want my goal to GET ACHIEVED! Here's what happened people, here's why I am coming down on myself HARD!

"GROSS!"

COMING down on myself hard not GOING down on myself hard, get your head out of the gutter! Anyway, I was good on the diet Monday and Tuesday. I was even off early Tuesday with time to sleep in WEDNESDAY and I felt like I maintained! Let's talk turkey and pork. This week was cook out week, OKAY. I ended up at one Tuesday night and I ate olives and hot dogs with no buns and dipped 'em in mustard, so I was GOOD there but then I drank a bunch of beers and liquor drinks...soooo fuck!

Hotties at the Cookout!

Yes that IS Italian Beef on the Burger

On Wednesday it was fuggin' the 4th, okay. The greatest holiday this country has to offer! So you KNOW I threw back several beers, some DELICIOUS jalapeno popper dip (Thanks Drew and Jacquelyne), and some Chicago mix popcorn from Mariano's. But still I thought I did okay because everything else I ate was fruit, eggs, bacon, sausages, and hot dogs. But then, thanks to the lovely holiday in the middle of the week I had a short/non-existent work week which would normally help keep this diet on track. I took off Thursday to recuperate which turned into a touch of hair of the dog, nawsay? Plus a post movie stop at Slim's in Ravenswood for a "Slim's" burger and chili-cheese fries (Side note, the Slim's burger at Slim's might be my favorite burger in town and I will feature it on a future Cheat Day. Don't Care. post). Then Friday I knocked back a few with my coworker, Leslie, after work and then, like a siren goddess, Liz called me to Dinner Diner as it had just opened the morning prior!

"NOW we're getting to the good stuff!"

FUCK YEAH homie! Dinner Diner is back and it's still the TITS. I went and I COULD HAVE stayed on diet. I COULD have ordered steak and eggs, no hash browns. I COULD have ordered a veggie omelet but Dinner Diner has been closed for over a year and a half, so I went in hard on my first go-round and ordered the BEST thing on the menu: the double bacon cheeseburger with a side of hash browns instead of fries. Cheat Week continues!

I woke up Saturday morning and thought maybe I shouldn't cheat or maybe just do like a cheat breakfast type thing cause of all the boozing and the Slimsing and the Dinner Dinering and what not. Then, the siren goddess sang once more: Let's get donuts! BOOM, that sprang me out of bed and on our way to a Dunkin in the Western Brown Line station cause it is near a delightful park where we sat and ate. After the donuts and the chilling we went and did a Chooch Chat episode and I still had a half a mind to take it easy on Cheat Day and it was kind of panning out.

After the podcast and before HITTIN' the BEACH, Man Called Tony and I knocked back about 3 left over hot dogs each...SURPRISE CHEAT! They were CHEESE FILLED bitches and I put one in a bun! NOM NOM NOM NOM CHEAT DAY! The beach was a blast. We spent about an hour in the water playing like kids then another hour+ in the sand playing like kids...we're still kids.

I have a Cheat Day secret that NO ONE knows but me. The plan was to go home and rinse off after the beach, then Tony and I were supposed to hit up Dinner Diner again and THEN go to an epic cook out at funny man Rob Wilson's apartment. All of this DID happen mind you, but what NO ONE knows is that on my way home from the beach to rinse off I stopped a Byron's Hot Dogs on Lawrence to snag me an Italian Beef sammy, fries AND a fucking Pizza Puff.

"YOU FAT SACK OF CHEATIN' ASS!"

The Slinger in ALL IT'S GLORY

I thought you'd like that one! Then I got my ass back down to Dinner Diner and ordered up a Slinger. BANG-BANG BABY! Afterwards, feeling obscenely full and lethargic as what was turning out to be yet another EPIC Cheat Day started to reach it's final act, Man Called Tony and I slow rolled to Mr. Wilson's cook out, but neither of us could eat anything even though his spread was intense. We were both, in fact, worried about being party poopers (Man Called Tony did it! I avoided it). But, Alex Romero, we did strap on our drinking bag. I crushed probably about 4 bourbon drinks: Beam and ginger, JACK and ginger (compliments of James Manno's heavy pouring hand), Jack on the rocks, and 4 Roses on the rocks. I also took down 4 beers, TWO of which I slammed while waiting for Mike Hamilton to snag a rib on his way out the door. Hamilton was VERY impressed, you should ask him about it!

After that we went back to the G's to watch Semi-Pro, hands down the best Will Ferrell movie ever made. There was more drinking. I probably had one more glass of whiskey (and some water to help balance me out). So it looks like I am going to need to put in some WORK this week. Believe in me? I believe in you! I believe you'll take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. And eat like your life depended on it!

ELE,
Zach Finch

Here's a picture of Sater eating an Ice Cream Sandwich in the Spirit of Cheat Day!