Jack Brown Can Ring My Bell, "Y Tu Mama?"

BluhDOW! Cheatereenos! Ya boy's back for another fat frickin Cheat Day! Who's fat?! NOT ME! Well...not AS fat! And all thanks to Cheat Day!

It's Cheat Day morn and I roll outta bed and onto a bowl of extra cheesy Cheez-Its. It's breakfast time after all and what goes good with Cheez-Its? CHEESE, you dumb donkeys. Sos I cuts up a nice chunk of cheddar to SLAP it on top of dem chee-Z crackers and cram as many in my mouth as I can before Slumlord Millionaire rolls out of bed his darn self and says, "HEY! Let's go to the store, we got liquor to buy!"

Heh Heh

"Yessir!" I reply and we head off to the store, first the grocery so I can get some Fruit. You know I love fruit, bananas, oranges, peaches, pineapple and strawberries. I eat most of it on the short drive to the liquor store where we get some extra booze to complete this week's cocktail of the week, the kitchen sink (more on this later). 

Once I return home I throw together a DELECTABLE 90/10 mimosa with some of that VERY nice fruit to garnish all while snacking on more fruit, cheez-its and this HALLOWEEN BAG of mini-twix! It's Halloween candy season people! GO AND GET IT! With that, breakfast is over! It's time for LUNCH.

Slumlord suggests Jack Brown's Burgers and Beer. At 11AM? Why THE HECK NOT! We cruise over to OLD JACK'S and the 5 person staff stops and stares at the site waltzing into their establishment. With weather this nice and a small audience I just have to peacock. Before reaching the patio I toss out a little spin move and finish with a hip thrust. Once at the patio I smack a kid's hamburger out of the little turd's hand then tussle his hair. I take the beer out of some fat slobs fist and finish it off for him. I delicately drag the tip of my pointer finger under the hostess' chin as I take my final steps into the bar where I leave my sunglass ON, of course, but snap off my bra, which supports my massive jugs, and I flip it up onto their chandelier!

We position ourselves in the middle of the bar and I DEMAND a Jack's Abby House Lager a "When in Roam" burger and a side of Mac n' Cheese. "On the double! I've got other things to eat, by God! It is Cheat Day after all!" And the staff works vigorously to bring me my victuals. Once they hear those hallowed words, they do know this is serious!

                        

The burger is bomb. It beats the Cobra Burger, for my money. The "When in Roam" is a new Thursday special they are just "trying out" and it comes topped with chipotle pimento cheese, American cheese, crispy fried onions, and jalapeno bacon jam. I love a bunch of SLOP on my burger. I SLOP IT UP. And, I can attest to their basic burger as that is what Slumlord Millionaire eats. He too, is beyond satisfied by the flavor AND portions. 

BUT THEY DON'T STOP THERE. The Mac and Cheese is dope as hell. Perfect burger joint mac, no frills, nothing fancy, just creamy cheesey deliciousness. They give every diner a giant squirt bottle of their sauce (a gourmet version of McDonald's Big Mac Sauce...I smell a trend burger bars) but it's perfect for the deliciously crispy crinkle fries and the occasional dip of the burger. Then, to cap it off, they sell fried oreos individually, which makes the perfect capper to a Cheat Day lunch. Bravo, Jack Brown's...BRAVO.

Saturday might be Cheat Day but sometimes it's ALSO for the boys. Slumlord Millionaire and I head back to the pad to put on some cute tanks and booty shorts so we can power wash the property and give the neighbors a show while we're at it. All the while we pound Peronis and Chug Miller Lites out of the baseball bat. A pretty nice little Cheat Day. 

When the work (and the group shower) is done, it's time again for fun. Before going off to our next stop we mix up our COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK! This week it's a Kitchen Sink (which we discover is really more of a shooter: rye whiskey, gin, peach brandy, lemon juice, orange juice, powdered sugar and 1 egg shaken vigorously in ice and strained into glass. I give it a measly C-.

Now, we head to The Veil brewery where they house a little Taco Joint known as "Y Tu Mama." Former college roommates and Cheat Day fanatics, OmmBeautiful and OmmBeautifuller meet us there. I've drank at The Veil a bunch and usually I'd say their beer is overrated. There's a lot of Breweries in town and that's just not the best, for my money, like their reputation...and locations might otherwise dictate. But, with this trip I am pleasantly surprised. The Veil's Pilsner, called "Deep," actually tastes like a Pilsner this time and their nearly 10% ABV "Tomb Tomb" IPA is surprisingly refreshing. 

HOWEVER, the MAIN EVENT. AND. My POINT AND PUMP of the Week! Goes to Y. Tu. MAMA! (AIR HORN x 3!) I get carnitas tacos (per slumlord's rec) I get the gypsy quesadilla (per the OmBeautifuls rec) and they are both a hit. The carnitas was juicy and crispy and the hot sauce and consomme were TO DIE FOR. I'm a dip man, what can I say?! The gypsy quessadilla had cheese grilled to the outside of it! Such a Taco Bell move...and I FRIGGIN LOVE Taco Bell. This this is filled with guajillo chicken, bacon, pineapple, and fresh onion and it's EXCELLENT. I simply must go back. Then again, as ya'll know I love mexican food, I love tex mex, I love cheese, I love sauce. This place does it all wonderfully.

NEXT! My little crew recommends a little soft serve. Serve me up BABY and I'll spike it right down my big fat face! Lucky for Cheat Day it's not even a block away. We stumble our way to Charm School Study Hall, which is a little window on the side of a building that serves up vanilla, chocolate or twists (either dairy or vegan) with a variety of sprinkles, toppings and sauces. I choose twist (duh) with cinnamon streusel sprinkles and top it with some toasted mallow. Stuff was bomb, as you can see below I am in fact pointing and pumping. Do not be fooled, however, my official point and pump of this blog still belongs to Y Tu Mama. 

Felling mildly comatic I sit down for a while...with a Miller Lite in my hand, some Cheez-Its, and this pimento cheese for dipping. The thought to throw in the towel crosses my mind. This ol'food hole might be closing things down early this Cheat Day. I'm sorry Ommbeautifuls...this week might be my weakest week yet. When, all of a sudden, I hear the faint whistle of a sharp evening wind, a tumble weed blows by, and the sharp metallic sounds of spurs hitting the driveway. Good crow! It's the fastest gun east of the Mississippi swooping in to enjoy some fourth quarter Cheat Day!

This fast gun RALLIES the troops! "GET UP!" He shouts! "We're going to get us a COCKTAIL! And maybe some TACO BELL!"

"Y..yes sir Mr. Mississippi! Where to?!" I reply timidly and very full. 

"Hotel Greene is the spot for a cocktail." He says gruffly. 

"A hotel? If you say so." I unwisely question.

"AND INDOOR GOLF COURSE!" He shouts. "Now, LET'S RIDE!"

The busy staff of The Hotel Greene see us coming and they stop dead in their tracks, they know what kind of debauchery is about to descend on their otherwise uneventful Saturday night. We boys kick in the doors to the joint but are thrown off instantly by the cheerful greet of the bellhop checking IDs. He was dressed head to toe in, what else, GREEN. The lobby is lavishly decorated with prop suitcases, gaudy wallpaper, and faux works of art. The bar is both gorgeous and gorgeously stocked. The sense when first entering is one of frivolous whimsy. They sign us up for a little golf, seat us at a table to wait and offer to grab us some libations. 

I order up a Dickinson Square: Rittenhouse rye, Luxardo maraschino, Cynar, lemon, absinthe, angostura bitters. It really hits the spot and settles my stomach before this very serious game of miniature golf. The fastest gun east of the Mississippi orders an RVA Mule: Belle Isle Honey Habanero moonshine, which is quite spicy and because it is Cheat Day we order a spring pea puree flatbread which is also topped with prosciutto, grape tomato and mozzarella. It is lackluster. 

Before we shove off for our game we order a couple of Narangsentt Lager tall boys to golf with. The course is delightful. Its design and decorations and wonderfully executed, it's like we're playing golf on the set of a Wes Anderson movie. There are small miniatures exhibits hidden along the way, just peer into certain peepholes to find them. However, this design makes the course difficult to play. On some holes we are crammed into corners or smashed up against wells. 

HOWEVER AGAIN! They have staff walking the course asking if anything is needed! YES, DUH, Another GOSH DARN Narangsett, por favor! Next thing you know, the nice lady comes around the corner with our delicious beers and spills them everywhere, so she leaves us the half beers AND gets us two more. Everything's coming up Cheat Day!

We finish the course, pay the tab...and head on our way to round out the Cheat Day with some...you guessed it...Taco Bell. This is only my second trip to Taco Bell since the start of this whole venture and I've learned something about Taco Bell. It ALWAYS scratches the itch. Even when it is disappointing. But yes, it can be disappointing. I'm finding that it is certainly best to limit my Taco Bell intake. One way to do that, is to avoid the Taco Bells at night. Not only is it worse for you then, but it is also more poorly constructed. 

After I finish my "modest" order of itch scratching Taco Bell I fall asleep like an angel on the couch, beer in hand. 3 Floyds Zombie Dust is this week's pass out beer of choice! I have sweet Cheat Day dreams for tomorrow it is the run of the mill daily waking nightmare that is Non-Cheat Day.

MEASURE UP!

NIPS: 48 1/4 (UP, 1 1/4 inched - Big FAT boobs needed a BIG FAT BRA, but only for a day)
HIPS: 42 1/2 (UP 1/8th of an inch, rockin' that PHAT ass too)
Belly Button: 44 (DOWN - most importantly - 1/8 of an inch)
PTB: 178 CM (peaCOCKing baby)

Alright everybody! Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

Fogo De Chao Down and Phoenix, AZ

Good gravy guys. “Thank you, it’s just brown and water.” Did you miss me last week? Well I missed you! But, I was busy. Traveling around like a mad man. So let’s go back…WAY BACK to LAST Cheat Day, 8/27/22. 

I, of course, woke up like it was any other Cheat Day morn’ with a twinkle in my eye, palpitations in my heart and a massive massive erection. The only thing that could cure any of this, mind you, is a creamy coffee with dulce de leche and a spicy cheese bagel, so that is OF COURSE what I took to the face post haste. 

                           

This Cheat Day is shaping up to be a special Cheat Day as it has been recently decided that I will be hitting the buffet this Cheat Day. Not just any buffet either, but Fogo De Chão. For those who don’t know Fogo De Chão is a Brazilian Steak House chain restaurant from Brazil. Also for those who don’t know, most Brazilian Steakhouses are all you can eat meat. And lastly, for those who do not know, I, FartPinch, have NEVER been to a Brazilian Steak House fucking EVER. 

“GASP!”

I know, I feel ashamed. But this Cheat Day it is time to fix that. 

“But FartPinch! Sounds like it’s an awful lot of protein for a Cheat Day!”

 

It is indeed you cheatin’ ass busters. But I’ve got one word for you: Cheese-Rolls! I hyphenated it, sue me. You gotta say it hyphenated when you’re shoving cheese-rolls in your cheatin’ face two at a time. Aside from the deliciously melty flaky orgasmic cheese-rolls which are better than cheddar bay biscuits from that Lobster place by a fat FAT margin I got a buffet of fruit and cheese, candied bacon, waffles and hash (cause it was brunch) plus they just kept bringing garlic-butter mashed potatoes as well as fried bananas and plantains. THAT’S Cheat Day biotch. 

 

Plus the meat. The meat is bad news. The meat is what does me in. You see, one of the reasons I didn’t have the gumption to write you a "Cheat Day. Don’t Care." last week my sweet cheatin’ busters is because I was bested by Fogo De Chao and all of their meats. I left the place in extreme discomfort. I went on a walk to try to walk it off and felt as though I might puke on a couple different occasions. The only thing left to do was lay down on the floor for two and a half hours. So, that’s what I did. I laid there and watched a crazy Japanese movie from the 80s called “Tampopo.” It’s a western about ramen, which I will have to get one of these Cheat Days. It’s weird as hell but worth a watch. 

 

Despite it’s slaying of my colon I have to give Fogo De Chao my point and pump from last week’s cheat day. It basically bullied me into it. And, here’s a rank of the meats from worst to best for those of your who love lists and rankings (my top 5 of 13 meats, YES I TRIED ALL 13 MOTHER):

• Bacon Wrapped Chicken and Steak (Medalhoes Con Bacon) Bacon, c'mon!
• Top Sirloin (Alcatra)
• Spicy Pork Sausage (Linguica)
• Beef Ribs (Costela)
• Prime Part of the Top Sirloin (Picanha) OH YEAH!

After my two and a half hour hiatus I pounded a Mexican Coke to set myself straight. Holy Shit it worked! Git you some! I then head out to the Side Door at The Pub and The People in DC. I know the bartender, Ulf, no big deal. It’s a fun little basement bar that is decked out like the basement in That 70s Show. Ulf curates a kitschy craft cocktails list, each of which has a fun lil’retro name. 

FOR INSTANCE! I started with an “It’s Britney Bitch!” Which pains me to admit is retro now. It is a tasty tequila drinks with watermelon and some thyme, which Ulf lit on fire like a mad man! I also got to taste an Alexis (not sure what is so retro about that, but hey whatever) which was a bourbon and banana bevy. VERY good. Probably better than Britney. Yeah, I said it. Alexis is better than Britney! What of it?! I followed all that up with midwestern staple, Zombiedust after Zombiedust until I was properly Zombiefied. 

Amidst the delicious cocktails and high ABV draft beers I decided to go ahead and top my meat filled intestines with a chicken quesadilla, some Mac and cheese and tempura fried cauliflower. I’ll save you some time. Stick to the cauliflower. It’s not the cheatinest dish, but it is for sure the tastiest. 

Still feeling like a failure I limped back to my bed and laid down face up and passed TF out. I may have lost the battle, but I’ll win this war. 

Morning measurements:’

• Nips:
• Belly Button:
• Hips:
• Tip:

So, I promised you cheaters a two for one this week, didn’t I? Well you’re in luck! Cause even though I was traveling a ton last week I cheated this past Cheat Day anyway! In PHOENIX, ARIZONA! Or as I call it Red Denver. The mountains are red, the people are red and if you do it right, the stool is red.

“Awwww, FARTPINCH! C’mon!”

How many times am I going to have to apologize? You either get me or you don’t, okay? Well, if Phoenix is Red Denver that must make Denver: Blue Phoenix! FUCK that’s a cool name. I think we should make them switch. Alright, I digress, I know. 

So I don’t really get why 1.8 million people choose to live in uninhabitable waste land, where if you’re lucky enough to survive the oven like 108 - 114 degree days you still have to watch out for poisonous insects, prickly plants and ravenous, desperate coyotes. Regardless, psychos seem to enjoy it so they’ve carved themselves out a pretty weird ass major metropolitan area for themselves. I really hope our society's entire infrastructure doesn’t collapse, cause those folk are the fuckedest. 

“The fuck'd you eat dude?! C’mon!”

Oh yeah! So, to start, I was on east coast time, so I was up like MAD early. Real fuckin’ early. Like 6AM. And the place I was staying had all this crap:

So I just ate all of that stuff right away. I put as much of it in my mouth as I could. There were elephant ears, mango, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, bananas, salty ciabatta rolls, chocolate chip cookies, Spanish omelets, croissants, milanesa, desutshce chocolate cookie varieties and all the coffee I could drink. Now that’s cheat day heaven BOI, I tell ya HWHAT!

Spanish Omlette

Because I was up so early and was ALL UP in the southwest I had to get me a little tex-mex. I made my way down to a lil’ol’diner chain called “Snooze” for some breakfast tacos. When I arrived at Snooze their bar was STACKED. I’m talking liquor store stocked. So I figured why the hell not, it’s Cheat Day after all. “Gimme a god damn Mimosa and make is a 90% bubbly my fair lady!” I shouted in my best Yosemite Sam accent. 

The breakfast tacos were bomb as well: egg, chorizo, hash browns, creme fraise, pico de Gallo. PERFECT. The mimosa smashed too and now so am I. 

Now, the main event out in Phoenix came from the recommendation of a pizza friend of mine. Really, he’s one of my all time best friends and he’s the fastest gun east of the Mississippi. He makes his own pizzas and I was waiting to feature pizza on the Cheat Day. Don’t Care. blog until I went and enjoyed some of his home made pies. BUT, he said this guy out in Phoenix was legit and his books about pizza have helped him learn how to do his own, so what the hell. 

Pizzeria Bianco has multiple locations around Phoenix now so it is not as slammed as it has been traditionally, though I still wait about 20 minutes in the hot hot mid-day summer heat in Phoenix for this pizza that better be DAMN GOOD! 

Well, they got lucky. It was delicious and a little unique Neapolitan style small pizzas. Going completely off of the recommendations of the fastest gun east of the Mississippi I order accordingly: 

1. Rosa (their signature white pie topped with red onion and pistachio) 

2. Wise Guy (another white pizza with dope ass fennel sausage and grilled onion) and 

3. Sonny Boy (soppresatta, red sauce, olives).

OBVIOUSLY the Sonny Boy is the best one (Tomato Sauce DUH!), followed closely by the Wise Guy (MEAT!). BUT, the Rosa is surprising. It’s different. It starts off a little sketchy but it pulls through with each additional bite. I was skeptical sure, but it was worth a shot. 

 

I’m gonna come clean. I did not finish each of these pizzas. These were all to share. What I will say is I probably ate at least an entire pizza plus a slice or two. Not only that, I had this crazy delicious meat/cheese appetizer, wood fired spiedini and a local pilsner to boot. Not bad for the main event. 

This week’s cocktail is a dark and stormy too, just cause I ordered one from the bar across the street, call The Macintosh, while I waited for my seat in the pizzeria. 

As the sun set in the desert and on this Phoenix Cheat Day I wasn’t getting much hungrier so I didn’t make too much of a stink about having anything else to eat. I just had my hosts bring out a small assortment of Cheat Day friendly treats such as:

• Cheese
• Crackers
• Grapes
• Berries
• Breadsticks
• More Cheese
• Muffins
• Croissants 
• Cheese Again
• Beer
• Wine
• Watermelon
• Mango
• A crazy pastry we BLASTED custard all over.

It’s what I do on Cheat Day when I’m no longer hungry. *Licks fingers*

Welp, I am on East Coast time remember? So I get to bed REAL early. A Cheat Day started early is often ended early. I think I did it. I did not let this one beat me. Instead, I got what I wanted through and through and I did not relent! 

No measurements this week studs! I left the tape measure at home, where I hope to leave myself this week. Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it!

ELE,
Zach