New Year New Cheat!

HAPPY NEW YEAR Cheaters! How them resolutions treating ya? You GIVE UP YET!? Not me. I'm still dieting and I'm STILL Cheating. That's right Holidays are done and I'm back to torturing myself for a fit bod and your entertainment! YES I'm fatter after the last two - three weeks, SO WHAT?! It's gonna melt right back off of me like butter in the microwave thanks to my very strict diet.

 

Is it a resolution? NO EFFIN WAY! It's a lifestyle! This Cheat Day I was left up to my own devices and I had a grrrrrEAT time doing it!

I shook myself awake and stomped into the kitchen like a hungry giant. FEE FIE FO FUM! An English Muffin? Well I might have to eat me some! I poured sugar in my coffee. I munched on a gosh darn delicious Aldi cookie wafer thing. I started slicing and eating some cheddar cheese! For the main course: I made an at home McMuffin using this little mini breakfast sandwich maker and for breakfast dessert? I covered an English muffin in Marmalade, just like Paddington. 

 

Sugar coma anyone?! 

 

After shaking myself out of that stupor I ran some Cheat Day errands, which included whipping my body into shape with a hardcore weight lift SESH #bufflikeme.

GIMME THE FOOD DOOD! Flash forward to 3pm. Linner Time. I sit down in front of the TV with one of my all time favorite dishes: A Chicken Queso Burrito with a side of Chips and BOWL of Queso Diablo from Qdoba. Qdoba > Chipotle. That's Cheat Day baby. Queso Burrito built to perfection: Flour tortilla, white rice, black beans, chicken, EXTRA queso, pico, hot sauce, CHEESE and that's it. GOT IT?! It is heavenly. Back in college I'd get two at a time, but now I'm an older, slimmer man. So instead I just ate one...AND AN ENTIRE BAG OF CHIPS AND BOWL OF QUESO!

 

Game time! Not one, but TWO of my favorite sports teams have televised sporting events and they each CRUISE through their games. It's a lot of fun. Toward the end I think to myself....What the hell else will I eat on Cheat Day before it is too late?! I guess I'll run to Wawa or something just to bring it home and wrap it up. 

                                 

While I wait for games to end I treat myself to white fudge covered Oreos and mini peppermint ice cream sandwiches...and...yes...more cheese. THEN! Just when I was fixin' to haul my stuffed and tired ass down to Wawa an angel walks through the door. The SlumLord Millionaire gets home from a pizza date with leftovers. 

Instead of Wawa I house two slices of cheese pizza and a leftover fried chicken breast from Publix. Then, it's time to polish it off with a Snickers. Hungry? Not at all. But I'll still grab a Snickers any friggin' way.

New Year New Me Busters! So, I've implemented a weigh in! New Deets below:

Weight: 242LBS
NIPS: 45.5 inches around (SMALLER than pre-holidays by .75 inches!!!)
BELLY: 43 inches around (THERE IT IS....75 inches LARGER...)
HIPS: 42.75 inches around (LARGER by 1.25 inches...now that's one FAT ASS)

Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
FartPinch

Day Drunk In North Port To Beat The Hurricane

Heavens to Betsy Cheat fans! Another one is in the books. It’s Cheat Day and I’m still LOSING THE POUNDS/Inches! Ya know, it’s weeks like this that really remind you why you’re still doing it. Weaving in and out of the farce of life is meaningless without challenges. And, since humankind has wiped away the majority of the world’s natural challenges (except of course hurricanes, those pesky bastards) might as well make up a nice challenge for yourself, eh? 

This Cheat Day I awake in North Port, FL. The comfy bed in guest room numero dos of Chris and Ellen Finch’s lavish estate is lulling me into a false sense of laziness. I shake myself out of it as I was able to abstain from the devil carb even through travels of air and auto and now I NEED to get me to some cheat food and this instant! 

I groggily move my firm and showy bottom into the kitchen where a delicious looking cherry coffee cake is calling me, like a lover not yet satisfied. I slice myself a healthy portion before I even get my coffee ready. It’s moist, it’s sweet, it’s from Publix. It hits the gosh darn spot. I wash it down with my coffee right before I move on to the other Publix staple. FRIED FRIGGIN CHICKEN! That’s right! Fried chicken for breakfast and in reverse gosh darn order from a dinner: dessert first, main course second. 

If you aren’t familiar with Publix, they’ve get a lot of good shit going on. Fried chicken is the highlight, but they also do a MEAN sandwich that they call a pub sub. If you are in the southeastern United States for any length of time…cheat yoself.

It’s always a party at Chris and Ellen Finch’s so before too long some extended family show up to enjoy some Cheat Day of their own. My brother and I start knocking back White Claws from the no.2 variety pack like we’re on a boat in the middle of May. This is mom and dad’s house mind you so I get to shoving Reeses’ candies and peanut M&M and slices of cheese into my mouth during the cheat chug of white claws. Oh yeah, and fresh figs are the fruit of the week.

The conversation amongst the extended fam is fabulous as I get Cheat Day-drunk. A game of darts unfolds while we men-folk taunt each other and the women folk get to putting together some pasta bolognese as the Cheat Day main course. There’s something very nice about a simple house made gravy and a couple of boxes of pasta with some Texas toast on the side. It’s delicious,,,especially when you’re Cheat Day-drunk.

I eat about two and half helpings of pasta, sauce and Texas toast and YES! I even have a salad. Which was AMAZING because I got to have some creamy ass Caesar ass dressing and I of course top that shit with facon-bits and Parmesan cheese! A Cheat Day salad! So refreshing. 

Conversation continues a while. Reminiscing mixes with fresh/hot gossip whittles away the afternoon. I get a tad drunker and eventually the extended family moseys back to their respective home. It was then that it hit me, here I am, drunk off my ass and I haven’t even created a cocktail of the week. An errand would need to be run!

The ABC stores in Florida are tight. They got tons of crap including booze, beers, wine, mixers, snacks, cigars and HOOKERS if you end up at the wrong one. This being Florida I decided the cocktail of the week should be a Rum Runner so I got myself some rum, some fruity liquors and some fruity juices to mix.

After throwing them all together in a pitcher and mixing them up I discovered that Rum Runners are the easiest and most dangerous cocktail to make. My god was it sweet and delicious and MY GOD was it boozy. Ask me for my recipe and I’ll make one up for you.

The evening shifted swiftly into night and there was dessert still left to be done. My aunt brought over home made brownies, but those were quickly demolished after spaghetti linner. A Sno-Cone truck opened up right down the street from Chris and Ellen Finch’s house and a lot of you may not know this, but I FUCKING LOVE Sno-Cones, aka Hawaiian Shave Ice. 

Growing up I’d go to the 2nd most popular beach in the state of Delaware for a week or two during the summer, every summer, and there’d be a shave ice stand right on the board walk. I’d have my chore money with me and I’d blow it all at the shave ice stand. When I ran out of chore money my mom and aunts and uncles and grandma would take pity on me and buy me my daily shave ice. Some days I’d make off with TWO Shave Ice in one day. I love them. So, when they’re available I go get one. That is what I do next, does Cheat Day Care? You already know the answer to that.

I got a big ass shave ice PACKED with sugar water. The flavors? Tiger’s Blood, Watermelon and Orange. I topped this bad boy with a sweet cream drizzle. I’ll say this, it scratched the shave ice itch. But, I’ll also say this, it DOES NOT get my point and pump of the week. The oddly sexy couple running the shave ice stand get my point and pump of the week for filling my utmost childhood fantasies. This man and woman had no business being this hot hanging out in a shave ice trailer in an Advanced Auto Parts parking lot in North Port, FL. They just simply did not. 

Now, I know there hasn’t been TOO MUCH food consumed this here Cheat Day, But it has been a good, down home, middle class cheat day food fest! PLUS! You know what I do next? Just so I don’t let you down I combine left overs and make myself a red neck chicken parmesan, YES I DO ya’ll Som betches! I grab a few more pieces of that Publix fried chicken, smother it in the pasta sauce from earlier, heat that bad boy up and cover it in mozzarella and parmesan cheese! I take it to task like a drunken Florida MANiac!

After all that I am ready to have it out with my brother all the rest of the night. He and I oiled ourselves up and wrestled, both mentally and physically, until about 2 in the got dang morn like good brothers should crushing white claws all the while. It may not be the most impressive, but I love this Cheat Day. There’s something to be said for it. Call yer mothers. 

The “Weigh In” 

Nips: 46.1875

Hips: 42.125

Belly: 43.5625

DTP: A HONKIN’ 147 mm

Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,

Zach

2 Amys Have Their Honeymoon Every Sundae

Summer fades and I fear I've begun this Cheat Day journey too late in the year! My soon to be far too sexy body will have no place to be displayed. Am I to be that guy who wears no shirt in the dead of winter? UUUUUh if I cheatin' HAVE TO!

Besides! Who says I can't keep cheatin' forever! Maybe it's the only way to stay sexy. In fact it almost definitely is. I'm no scientist, but I cheated in science class to get a C- and so I think I know a thing or two about human physiology,  alright?!

"God you're dumb...What'd you stuff your face with this time dumb dumb?"

You just hold on to your guts cheatin' busters, cause here it comes! It's 7:30 AM Cheat Day morn'. My alarm is set and I do NOT hit the snooze. I kick off the covers and all I'm wearing is a bib. No shirt, no pants, no socks, no draws. JUST BIB. I hold in my morning whiz because I just have to orally inject some kind of carbohydrate into my starving body. What receives the coveted first taste this week?

A Coffee Pina Colada from Virago: Coconut milk, Pineapple Spiced Rum, Virgao's coffee liqueur and straight up iced coffee. What a way to kick the day right into high gear. Let the cheatin' begin. 

Drunkenly I start slapping slices of chocolate chip brioche from Aldi into an egg soup to get it ready for the skillet. French Toast is on deck. Sally small stomach asks if I'd like to go snag a fried chicken breakfast burrito instead of eating the French Toast. I says to her I says, "Listen toots, this here's Cheat Day. There's no such word as 'instead' there is only 'in addition to,' 'plus,' 'as well as,' 'double down on this dumpster day dumptruck!'"

I eat the chocolate chip brioche French Toast covered in bananas, black berries and two different kinds of maple syrup (one from Canada and one from Vermont). Which was better? U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

On our way to the fried chicken place I have to run an errand to the farmer's market for some *gag* vegetables *gag*. This is a total NON Cheat Day move, but it IS necessary for Cheat Day to even happen in the first place, so the farmer's market gets a pass. PLUS, I get to eat this delicious syrupy Belgian waffle and watermelon popsicle while I am there.

After making quick work of those bomb snacks it's finally time for a real meal at Honeymoon Fried Chicken in Pet Sounds, I mean Pet Cemetery...PETWORTH! It's a neighborhood in D.C. with a horrible name. Petworth...pfff. Anyway, Honeymoon Fried Chicken is the bomb. The place is fyre as the kids would say...and spell. It benefits from some new COVID protocol such as: sit your ass down at an open table, scan the QR code, order from the app, eat your delicious food, pay and fuq off. It's brilliant, and I love it. 

Honeymoon has great staff. They play great music. They have great clientele. They serve delicious food. I got the aforementioned breakfast burrito which was stuffed with egg, cheese, quac, poblano pepper, home fries and hot honey glazed fried chicken pieces! It was one of the most unique tasting takes on one of my all time favorite dishes, the breakfast burrito. It came with a refreshing watermelon, mint and feta salad. 

Sally small stomach ordered a two piece meal with two rolls. The chicken is the show stopper, as it should be. The breading was crispy and spiced perfectly. The white meat chicken was hot, tender and juicy. The rolls were buttered and honeyed and soft and flakey. MY GOD. I'd go back right now...if it were Cheat Day...

For drinks I got a local Pilsner on draft...BEER! And I got to taste Sally's VERY BOOZY Rosemary-Ginger Mule. Honeymoon gets this fat ass' Point and Pump of the week!

All that pointing and pumping made me hungry. This Pet Food neighborhood got an ice cream place anywhere? Everyday Sundae is a short drive or a medium walk away. It's Cheat Day, so drive it is. Good thing it's not Everyday Sunday...cause then I couldn't eat there, amirite? This place is another HUGE win. If I hadn't already given away my point and pump I'd be...AH the hell with it! TWO POINT AND PUMPS IN ONE WEEK! Yessir!

I stroll up to Everyday Sundae ready for a treat. The extremely friendly and chill owner of the shop sits on a bench just inside the store reading a book. He greets me graciously and generously begins to offer any assistance I may need. He allows me to taste whatever I like. Ultimately I choose hazelnut and fudge as the base and astonishing cappuccino as the topper to my two scoop waffle cone. As my new favorite ice cream monger, Charles, prepares my treat his son rushes into the shop. Charles pauses and hugs his son lovingly. It's very sweet. Almost as sweet as this ice cream I'm about to inhale. His son then puts on an apron and gets to work helping out his old man. MY GOD, have ya ever seen anything like it? Not in this gaul dern day and age I'll tell ya! It melted my heart... but not my ice cream. 

I eat the amazing two scooper on the patio of the adjacent cidery, Anxo. It's a cool spot, but the cider is mediocre. Especially next to the flavor of the ice cream. It was fine for a little extra Cheat Day booze, but I wouldn't write home to mama over it.

Blissfully bloated a moment arrives where I'm not forcing food in my fat face, mostly because I'm driving around town. Pretty soon I randomly find myself in a Georgetown alumni football "tailgate" event on the lawn next to their sub par football stadium. Had I known I'd end up here I might not have spent all my money on the very delicious Honeymoon and Everyday Sundae. Ya see, this tailgate was simply an all you can eat barbecue buffet with free beer and wine. I tossed a jalapeño corn muffin or two into my yap trap and chased em down with an ice cold Stella Artois then I stuffed a cookie or two down there as well and chased THAT with a Bud Light from the ice bucket. 

I had places to go and people to meet, so we couldn't stay long. The fastest gun eat of the Mississippi was on his way up to pack in some pizza with me...and catch a show at The Black Cat in DC. You see, the fastest gun east of the Mississippi and I used to be punkers. Now we're just fat old me who like to eat and sit. The fastest gun east of the Mississippi met me at home base where I offered him a Carlsberg or two, I of course joined him after I drank another liquored up coffee drink. Ya know, to keep my momentum going. 

           

For dinner we had our sites set on local DC Pizza joint 2 Amys. You may recall that the fastest gun east of the Mississippi is my number 1 pizza fuqboi. Dude FUQs with ZA Brah! Neapolitan is the style he makes too and that's what 2 Amys slings. We get there and we order a bunch of appetizers that would do Cheat Day proud like fired rice balls, lamb skewers and a crazy pork pate that comes with pickled veggies and delicious bread. We got some drinks to start as well, of course. I stayed the course with a delightful pilsner. Sally Small Stomach snagged a delicious Rosè. The fastest gun east of the Mississippi ordered the Two Amy's take on the Negroni. 

With everyone satisfied it was time for pizza. Not unlike Pizzeria Bianco in Phoenix the Two Amys in DC specialize in burnt blistered Neapolitan pizzas. We ordered one of the pizzas of the day: 2amys sausage, fingerling potatoes and carmen peppers as well as the Pazzuolli (2 amys sausage, hotties, grilled peppers, parsley and fontina). Pazzuolli took it, but both were absolutely BREATHTAKING. 

SHOWTIME! The Black Cat was maybe 20/25% full this night which gave the bar easy access, SCORE! I knocked back two or three beers while we watched two of the three bands on the bill before leaving early to hit up Ben's Chili Bowl for a Cheat Day night cap. Ben's Chili Bowl, a DC staple. Every town should have one. Of course, in Chicago's case...1,000.

I was drunk and already mostly full so I wasn't playing no games in there. I marched right up to the counter and ordered quickly: 1 chili cheese dog and some chili cheese fries and banana pudding please! It comes quick. These guys are pros. Somehow, even though I am full and drunk to the point of discomfort it hits the spot. Salty, greasy, cheesy, fried goodness! I'd eat it right now....if it were Cheat Day. 

The fastest gun east of the Mississippi and I spend the rest of the night drinking Carlsbergs and Weihenstephaners, alcoholic kombucha and Bending Time by Dogfish Head. We drink and carry on talking about music and life, the way things used to be and how the world is going to hell in a hand basket. Just like a couple of fat old men who used to be punkers and who want nothing more but to sit and eat.  

MEASUREMENTS!

NIPS: 47in (DOWN 3/8ths of an inch from last week!)
BellyButton: 44 1/8 (...up 1/4 of an inch...🙄)
HIPS: 42 1/8 (Up 1/8 of an inch...🍑)

Take care of yourselves! Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

Freaky Cheat Day

OH MY GOD Cheatsters! What a wild Cheat Day this past week. Before I get into the crazy stuff let me just tell you that I gained only ONE pound since the 4th of July and the wild Florida week and I think that's actually pretty gaul dern GOOD, kay?! So if you're like pissed or whatever you can just effing SHOVE IT!

Also, If this is your first time reading EVER or even in a while go back and read a few posts and you'll know what the hell I have been up to and why I'm not mad about gaining a pound on the slow carb diet.

I need to give a quick shout out to Soup, Maureen M., Super Bowl Champ Alex R., and as usual the loveliest lovely Liz C. for a mid week cook out on the beach. Alex R. was, rightfully, busting my balls because I was enjoying a few midweek beers during the cook out. I want to point out once more to him and EVERYONE that I stuck to JUST meat and veggies for vittles this cook out alright?! My cookout meal was a burger patty, a sausage, some try-colored bell peppers and humus. SO YEAH, I had a few midweek beers alright?! SUE ME!

I also need to shout out at the top to the Jackies, Sater, Summer James, Adam, and the Loveliest Liz AGAIN! Cause we went to Dinner Diner after the Friday night Man Called Noon show where I ate a slinger and 7/8ths of a double bacon cheeseburger. It WAS after midnight though, so... FUCK IT, it counts as Cheat Day.

I awoke Cheat Day morn' knowing I had a fairly busy day ahead of me. I had to go to my final Annoyance class with Ryan A., I then had an audition across town for the Plagiarists next theatrical season, THEN I had to walk Rob Face and Erin "Sandra Bullock" C.'s lil' baby pup Barkley. Quite a busy Cheat Day...a little TOO busy for my taste, but I went on my way. For first bites I went back to the Budlong with the Lovely Liz and friends Jaq Attack and Drew "You Simply Must" J. for a lil'fried Chicken brunch. If you're a fan of the blog you know the Budlong, a fantastic little Nashville Hot style fried chicken joint with multiple Chicago locations. Our local one is in Lincoln Square and it is delightful.  I ordered the Hot tenders, a side of mac and cheese, and a cheerwine. A solid meal to start a cheat day for sure...BUT THEN!

Barkley

I went to class and I was expecting a quick lunch with teacher and friend Ryan A. but it had to be postponed. So, instead I got a black iced coffee from Starbucks (A Non-Cheat Day treat) and went to my audition early. I CRUSHED the audition thanks to Liz's and Ryan's help and then went over to Hambone and Summer James' crib (aka The Sing What You Say Place) which was close by the audition AS WELL AS the sweet puppy Barkley whom I'd have to be walking soon. I was met with a PBR (a delightful cheat-y beverage) and we began talking about what we'd be eating for Cheat Day Dinner! You see people love being around on Cheat Day because they get to go on a fantastical Cheat Day adventure with yours truly, so we began to plan.

We decided it'd be good to hit the beach for a bit before the dog walk and before it got dark. So Hambone slid me a special brownie (A delightful Cheat Treat) and assured me it wouldn't launch me to far out there maaaan. So we also rounded up some vodka and some vitamin waters (A Non-Cheat Day Treat...) went to the beach, threw around a frisbee, ran into some good ol'friends (shout out Tommy C. and Sophie B.!) then drank some vodka drinks. I went to walk the dog and the plan was to reconvene at The Sing What You Say Place and get SERIOUS about CHEATING on something new for your sweet eyeballs to take in and your bellies to YERN for!...but then...

Steve Leme in Beerfest

The edible started hitting me REAL good, really not too much, honestly just right. I was feeling social and good and happy and ready to EAT! I got back to The Sing What You Say Place to figure it out and Summer James DEMANDED that we all take what he called a "Bloody Skull." I first learned of something similar to this in the movie "Beerfest" in which they call it a "strikeout." Summer James' version simply was to take a hit out of a bowl (inhale only) and then we would each take a shot of whiskey (cheat day treat) then exhale the hit. "Sure why not!" I said! "CHEAT DAY!" we Cheered!

From that moment on I was no longer the Zach you all know and love. I was indeed out of this world. I was giggly and squirmy and paranoid, I could NOT organize my thoughts properly nor did I have the ability to rally a bunch of drunk and high people to go get some delicious Cheat Day fare from a place we'd never been before!

THEN, out of nowhere! A young family shows up to the Sing What You Say Place...with CHILDREN ages 2 and 5. Now, I bet some of you read this and probably think to yourselves, "geez Zach I'm not sure you should be around children completely sober even!" And first of all FUCK YOU, but you aren't wrong, I've got a mouth on me and not much of a filter, but I am also surprisingly good with kids so take that opinion and shove it!

That being said, I really didn't have any business being around kids in this case. I was gone! I was drunk off vodka and a shot of whiskey and high off of a brownie and a solid hit from a bowl that had me coughing hard when a shot divided what should be a normal inhale/exhale. On top of that I was HANGRY as a mother fucker because all I had on Cheat Day so far was 3 chicken tenders, Texas Toast, half a thing of Mac and Cheese, and a pot brownie.

"WOW Zach, I'm sure you were FUCKED! What'd you do?!"

I hid...I hid in Summer James' bathroom until the family was gone. When I emerged Summer James pointed out that I had no business going out in public to eat if I had to hide from children...so...we ordered Jet's Pizza...so...sorry not sorry. ALWAYS JET'S! We got two larges for four people. One was chicken bacon mushroom green pepper on Cajun Crust (delightful) and one was pineapple jalapeno and pepperoni on TURBO CRUST. WOOO! If you haven't had Jet's yet, you're fucking up!

After I ate I was feeling much better and I had an early morning the next day so I had to head home. On my way home I stopped at Lindo Guadalajara to get a plate of chorizo nachos to-go that I split with the loveliest Liz when I got home. So I made up some lost Cheat Day ground that way.

WOOO! What a wild one, right everyone?! I guess my Cheat Day this time was more party based than new food based! I'm glad everyone is okay though. I want to hand it to Summer James, Hambone and the previously unmentioned Santiago for taking care of me! Just like I tell all of you each week. Take care of each other! Take care of yourselves. Eat like your life depended on it!

ELE,
Zach