New Year New Cheat!

HAPPY NEW YEAR Cheaters! How them resolutions treating ya? You GIVE UP YET!? Not me. I'm still dieting and I'm STILL Cheating. That's right Holidays are done and I'm back to torturing myself for a fit bod and your entertainment! YES I'm fatter after the last two - three weeks, SO WHAT?! It's gonna melt right back off of me like butter in the microwave thanks to my very strict diet.

 

Is it a resolution? NO EFFIN WAY! It's a lifestyle! This Cheat Day I was left up to my own devices and I had a grrrrrEAT time doing it!

I shook myself awake and stomped into the kitchen like a hungry giant. FEE FIE FO FUM! An English Muffin? Well I might have to eat me some! I poured sugar in my coffee. I munched on a gosh darn delicious Aldi cookie wafer thing. I started slicing and eating some cheddar cheese! For the main course: I made an at home McMuffin using this little mini breakfast sandwich maker and for breakfast dessert? I covered an English muffin in Marmalade, just like Paddington. 

 

Sugar coma anyone?! 

 

After shaking myself out of that stupor I ran some Cheat Day errands, which included whipping my body into shape with a hardcore weight lift SESH #bufflikeme.

GIMME THE FOOD DOOD! Flash forward to 3pm. Linner Time. I sit down in front of the TV with one of my all time favorite dishes: A Chicken Queso Burrito with a side of Chips and BOWL of Queso Diablo from Qdoba. Qdoba > Chipotle. That's Cheat Day baby. Queso Burrito built to perfection: Flour tortilla, white rice, black beans, chicken, EXTRA queso, pico, hot sauce, CHEESE and that's it. GOT IT?! It is heavenly. Back in college I'd get two at a time, but now I'm an older, slimmer man. So instead I just ate one...AND AN ENTIRE BAG OF CHIPS AND BOWL OF QUESO!

 

Game time! Not one, but TWO of my favorite sports teams have televised sporting events and they each CRUISE through their games. It's a lot of fun. Toward the end I think to myself....What the hell else will I eat on Cheat Day before it is too late?! I guess I'll run to Wawa or something just to bring it home and wrap it up. 

                                 

While I wait for games to end I treat myself to white fudge covered Oreos and mini peppermint ice cream sandwiches...and...yes...more cheese. THEN! Just when I was fixin' to haul my stuffed and tired ass down to Wawa an angel walks through the door. The SlumLord Millionaire gets home from a pizza date with leftovers. 

Instead of Wawa I house two slices of cheese pizza and a leftover fried chicken breast from Publix. Then, it's time to polish it off with a Snickers. Hungry? Not at all. But I'll still grab a Snickers any friggin' way.

New Year New Me Busters! So, I've implemented a weigh in! New Deets below:

Weight: 242LBS
NIPS: 45.5 inches around (SMALLER than pre-holidays by .75 inches!!!)
BELLY: 43 inches around (THERE IT IS....75 inches LARGER...)
HIPS: 42.75 inches around (LARGER by 1.25 inches...now that's one FAT ASS)

Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
FartPinch

2022 RECAP No. 1 - Top 10 Cheat Meals

WHAT UP BUSTERS! Happy Holidays! Since these holiday weeks are impossible to navigate on a diet as strict as Cheat Day, I've got to drop the CHARADE. So I'm taking the next two weeks to recap my adventures to you BUSTIN' ASS CHEATERS! (AIR HORN!!!)

Here it is final measurements for 2022! DRUM ROLL BUSTERS!

On July 22, 2022 my body measurements were as follows:

NIPS (Chest): 47 inches around
BELLY (Stomach/mid-section): 45 inches around
HIPS (BOOTY AREA): 43.5 inches around.

On December 15th, 2022 my body measurement were as follows:

NIPS: 46.25 inches (Shrinking only 3/4s of an inch...worth it? keep reading)
BELLY: 42.25 inches (Shrinking a WHOPPING 2.75 inches! WORTH IT)
HIPS: 41.5 inches (Shrinking 2 inches!)

So, that being that. I'd say it's working just fine. After the holidays I'm going to get back to it...until I look just like THIS:

Now that I've got your attention let's recap my TOP 10 Favorite Cheat Meals of 2022, SHALL WE?! Now, let me start by saying that these were very tough decisions to make. I would like to be eating all of these meals constantly and every day of the week. There are some honorable mentions and most frequented dishes at the end of the listacle.

10. Fettucine Alfredo w/fresh pasta from Vace: This was an EARLY meal that I knew I would crave right away once I started the diet. Fettucine Alfredo is just young adult mac and cheese. It's Cheat Perfect. It's pasta, it's cream, it's cheese. The fresh pasta made for a delightfully soft mid-day Cheat adventure.

 

9. Cow to Cone Ice Cream and Apple Cider Donuts with a side of Apples from Rock Hill Orchard: This was an odd one because the experience was such a wild ride but the Apple Cider Donuts hit the spot (as donuts tend to do) the ice cream was legit fresh and delicious, even on a crisp autumn day and apples are a delightful fruit and palate cleanser.

8. Bowl O' Soul from Crystal Beer Parlor in Savannah, GA: This was just a perfect Cheat Lunch at the perfect time. It's creamy grits, pimento cheese, fried onion rings and some corn bread. All that with tasty greens and tender pulled pork and that's a bonified mouth melter. 

7. Homemade Gravy with spaghetti on a fried chicken breast from Publix: This was my aunt's homemade pasta sauce with what was left of the SPAGET on top of a deliciously fried piece of Publix fried chicken and topped off with a mound of parmesan. What FAT bunghole thought up this bastardized Chicken Parm? Well you're readin' him.

6. Payne's Bay Breakfast from the Tapestry Restaurant at Treasure Beach in Barbados: I ordered this for breakfast for like 4 mornings straight. It's delicious. It's unique. It's Caribbean. I never would have ever thought I'd want FISH for breakfast in a million years, but this zesty, buttery stew sauce with the delightfully moist hush puppies, plantains and crispy fried potatoes. Take me back to Payne's Bay.

5. Carnitas Tacos and a Gypsy Quesadilla from Y Tu Mama in Veil Brewery followed by soft serve from Charm School Study Hall: Top three best quesadillas I've ever had eaten - chicken, bacon, pineapple, onion and cheese melted on the outside. Deliciously crispy carnitas in them tacos. Delicious dipping sauces. It was all capped by impeccably topped soft serve - toasted mallow and gram cracker crumbles. 

 

4. Saturday Meat Lovers Biscuit Sandwich and A Chocolate Cream Filled Donut from Early Bird Biscuits and Country Style Donuts (respectively): Hands down the best biscuit sandwich and the best donut I have ever had, in ONE MEAL?! Seems like I should revisit that again in a future Cheat Day.

3. Homemade Lasagna: Bolognese with a béchamel. This Lasagna came at the end of an already VERY Cheaty day. I was already stuffed to the gills and I served myself up two portions anyway. It was ballin' outta control.

2. Cousin Prepped Nachos at Vanish Brewing: Remember that already very Cheaty day I was talking about in No. 3? Yeah, these were eaten earlier in the day that day. They are legitimately the very best nachos I've ever had. Thank you again Scott T! Pulled pork, cheese sauce, sour cream, BBQ sauce, chives, jalapenos, crispy tortilla chips. TOPPED TO THE BRIM!

1. Cheat Day Brunch: It's JUST hard to beat a Cheat Day Brunch buffet, OKAY?! I'm talkin' mimosas of all different flavors, beers, irish coffees, fruit, french toast, napoleon pastries, and OF COURSE, the cream of the CROP: Home MADE Biscuits and Gravy! I'm not worthy!

 

Whew, what a year for meals! I promised you honorable mentions and that is what I will give you! Here are some great items that just KEPT popping up in a great and many Cheat Days: Nightingale Ice Cream Sandwiches (OF COURSE), Stiegl Goldbrau, Taco Bell, Call Your Mother's Bagels, Farmer's market waffles, Cheese and finally...something so good I had to add it to my regular diet: Fruit!

 

Tune in next week for the top 10 places to Cheat in 2022! In the mean time take care of yourselves, take care of each other and eat like you life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

Day Drunk In North Port To Beat The Hurricane

Heavens to Betsy Cheat fans! Another one is in the books. It’s Cheat Day and I’m still LOSING THE POUNDS/Inches! Ya know, it’s weeks like this that really remind you why you’re still doing it. Weaving in and out of the farce of life is meaningless without challenges. And, since humankind has wiped away the majority of the world’s natural challenges (except of course hurricanes, those pesky bastards) might as well make up a nice challenge for yourself, eh? 

This Cheat Day I awake in North Port, FL. The comfy bed in guest room numero dos of Chris and Ellen Finch’s lavish estate is lulling me into a false sense of laziness. I shake myself out of it as I was able to abstain from the devil carb even through travels of air and auto and now I NEED to get me to some cheat food and this instant! 

I groggily move my firm and showy bottom into the kitchen where a delicious looking cherry coffee cake is calling me, like a lover not yet satisfied. I slice myself a healthy portion before I even get my coffee ready. It’s moist, it’s sweet, it’s from Publix. It hits the gosh darn spot. I wash it down with my coffee right before I move on to the other Publix staple. FRIED FRIGGIN CHICKEN! That’s right! Fried chicken for breakfast and in reverse gosh darn order from a dinner: dessert first, main course second. 

If you aren’t familiar with Publix, they’ve get a lot of good shit going on. Fried chicken is the highlight, but they also do a MEAN sandwich that they call a pub sub. If you are in the southeastern United States for any length of time…cheat yoself.

It’s always a party at Chris and Ellen Finch’s so before too long some extended family show up to enjoy some Cheat Day of their own. My brother and I start knocking back White Claws from the no.2 variety pack like we’re on a boat in the middle of May. This is mom and dad’s house mind you so I get to shoving Reeses’ candies and peanut M&M and slices of cheese into my mouth during the cheat chug of white claws. Oh yeah, and fresh figs are the fruit of the week.

The conversation amongst the extended fam is fabulous as I get Cheat Day-drunk. A game of darts unfolds while we men-folk taunt each other and the women folk get to putting together some pasta bolognese as the Cheat Day main course. There’s something very nice about a simple house made gravy and a couple of boxes of pasta with some Texas toast on the side. It’s delicious,,,especially when you’re Cheat Day-drunk.

I eat about two and half helpings of pasta, sauce and Texas toast and YES! I even have a salad. Which was AMAZING because I got to have some creamy ass Caesar ass dressing and I of course top that shit with facon-bits and Parmesan cheese! A Cheat Day salad! So refreshing. 

Conversation continues a while. Reminiscing mixes with fresh/hot gossip whittles away the afternoon. I get a tad drunker and eventually the extended family moseys back to their respective home. It was then that it hit me, here I am, drunk off my ass and I haven’t even created a cocktail of the week. An errand would need to be run!

The ABC stores in Florida are tight. They got tons of crap including booze, beers, wine, mixers, snacks, cigars and HOOKERS if you end up at the wrong one. This being Florida I decided the cocktail of the week should be a Rum Runner so I got myself some rum, some fruity liquors and some fruity juices to mix.

After throwing them all together in a pitcher and mixing them up I discovered that Rum Runners are the easiest and most dangerous cocktail to make. My god was it sweet and delicious and MY GOD was it boozy. Ask me for my recipe and I’ll make one up for you.

The evening shifted swiftly into night and there was dessert still left to be done. My aunt brought over home made brownies, but those were quickly demolished after spaghetti linner. A Sno-Cone truck opened up right down the street from Chris and Ellen Finch’s house and a lot of you may not know this, but I FUCKING LOVE Sno-Cones, aka Hawaiian Shave Ice. 

Growing up I’d go to the 2nd most popular beach in the state of Delaware for a week or two during the summer, every summer, and there’d be a shave ice stand right on the board walk. I’d have my chore money with me and I’d blow it all at the shave ice stand. When I ran out of chore money my mom and aunts and uncles and grandma would take pity on me and buy me my daily shave ice. Some days I’d make off with TWO Shave Ice in one day. I love them. So, when they’re available I go get one. That is what I do next, does Cheat Day Care? You already know the answer to that.

I got a big ass shave ice PACKED with sugar water. The flavors? Tiger’s Blood, Watermelon and Orange. I topped this bad boy with a sweet cream drizzle. I’ll say this, it scratched the shave ice itch. But, I’ll also say this, it DOES NOT get my point and pump of the week. The oddly sexy couple running the shave ice stand get my point and pump of the week for filling my utmost childhood fantasies. This man and woman had no business being this hot hanging out in a shave ice trailer in an Advanced Auto Parts parking lot in North Port, FL. They just simply did not. 

Now, I know there hasn’t been TOO MUCH food consumed this here Cheat Day, But it has been a good, down home, middle class cheat day food fest! PLUS! You know what I do next? Just so I don’t let you down I combine left overs and make myself a red neck chicken parmesan, YES I DO ya’ll Som betches! I grab a few more pieces of that Publix fried chicken, smother it in the pasta sauce from earlier, heat that bad boy up and cover it in mozzarella and parmesan cheese! I take it to task like a drunken Florida MANiac!

After all that I am ready to have it out with my brother all the rest of the night. He and I oiled ourselves up and wrestled, both mentally and physically, until about 2 in the got dang morn like good brothers should crushing white claws all the while. It may not be the most impressive, but I love this Cheat Day. There’s something to be said for it. Call yer mothers. 

The “Weigh In” 

Nips: 46.1875

Hips: 42.125

Belly: 43.5625

DTP: A HONKIN’ 147 mm

Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,

Zach