The Polar Bear Plunge

Brrrrrr ya Cheatin' azz Polar Bears! Are ya doing alright? Are you hanging in there? Do you even have any New Years Resolutions left to talk about?! For crying out loud Dry January is behind us! I'm still doing this crazy diet and for WHAT?! To look like this and better that's what:

Yeah, soak it in baby. That's me emerging from some ICY cold waters into ICY cold air this past Cheat Day. Never you fear, I went straight to drink and eat myself back to into a manageable body temperature! Let's get started.

Now, I was SUPER excited this Cheat Day morn'. Not just because I got to eat delicious food. BUT, it was my first day drinking of 2023! And day drinking I did. I started this Cheat Day with a Miller Lite. I know, I know not the most exciting drink in the world, but boy did this particular Miller Lite go down NICE and smooth. 

I chased that bad boy with a couple of white fudge covered Oreos left over from post-Christmas and some old Halloween candy left over from post-well-Halloween, duh. I didn't have much time to make anything extravagant for breakfast because it was time to get going to that Gosh Darn Polar Bear Plunge 2023 in Virginia Beach. Road Trip baby. 

Ya see this whole thing is Jimmy Mac's idea and so I meet the man at his place early. First things first, we've gotta fuel up with some caffeine. As we are verified BASIC AF we stop at the BUCKS. Now, I'm a black coffee man, but I just ain't going BLACK on Cheat Day. That's right! I've gone black and I am going back, sue me! Instead I get a sweet pistachio cream cold brew. Because it is a COLD cold Cheat Day my friends. I enjoy it in a matter of 10 - 15 minutes before it's SUCKED DRY. That oughta tell you how good it is.

Most of the way through the drive we stop at a Wawa to pee and I think to myself, "Why Not?" It's Cheat Day after all. Not to mention that, for my money, Wawa has got THE BEST gas station food on the planet. That's right, UP YOURS BUCKEYS! I buy myself a pre-made breakfast burrito, hash brown, pepperoni croissant (which I call a pepperoni pillow) and a little tub of Nacho Cheese.

I've GOT to tell you. That GOT.DAMN. pepperoni pillow is magical. In fact, I'm calling it early, it gets my POINT.AND.PUMP. of the week! If you find yourself in a Wawa, check out the hot boxes near the registers and if you SEE a pepperoni croissant sitting there, you buy it and you EAT it. Then, you go ahead and write to me and thank me with a tear-filled, heartfelt, letter of affirmation.

The Polar Bear Plunge was BONKERS. There were people everywhere. Our good friend Wawa is a major sponsor and they are handing out free soft pretzels, cookies and brownies. So, of course, I partake. (Cheat Day). There's a heated tent (thank god) as it is 26 degrees outside. There's a Tito's Vodka table serving up drinks, but the line is a mile long, so I opt for a beer from the Smartmouth Brewing Co. table instead, a Pilsner. It's alright. Nothing to write home about.

The time to plunge is upon us and Jimmy Mac isn't even registered! We ask around at the people wearing number bibs where to go to get registered. Apparently it's on the second floor of the ocean front Hilton across the boardwalk from the tent. You coulda fooled me since the signage was so freakin' non-existent. There were no signs about registration nor were there signs signifying that the building in question was the Hilton. Anyway, we got up to the registration room as it was emptying to get this big polar bear a number. 

It turns out they gave Jimmy Mac's number away to some group he wasn't a part of! What the hell?! It's about this time that I start thinking maybe Jimmy Mac isn't so excited about this and maybe he's trying to back out. But, we keep on keeping on. Other nearby friends join us. They are as confused as we are. Some friends say they just got through without a number. We try that route ourselves, but get stopped. C'mon!

Finally we just pick an open spot on the beach adjacent to the hullabaloo and run into the freezing cold Ocean on our own. WHEW! It is indeed invigorating! It is body, heart and mind awakening! It made that 26 degree air feel like 50 degree air! What a rush! I would absolutely do it again.

Once we were sufficiently plunged we quickly make our way to the inside of somewhere. In this case, it is Smartmouth Brewery down the street from the shore. I didn't much care for their Pilsner so I started with a sky high ABV Sunday Morning Mimosa Inspired Tart Ale. That kicked me into high gear. I chased that sucker down with a much more manageable Alter Ego Farmhouse Ale. I truly enjoyed both of these and it saved my opinion of the entire brewery. 

We couldn't leave VB without noshin' on some gnar, so we moseyed over to The Bunker Brewpub. Their beer was mediocre, although I did have some (Cheat Day). But, I wasn't there for that. I wanted SNACKS. We got fried pickles and loaded waffle fries for the table, both of which were hot fyre.

For my main course I was feeling burger. I got the jalapeno addiction, because I'm a SPICY boy. The BBQ sauce countered the spicy hot jalapeno relish beautifully. I give the burger and the potato salad on the side a solid A. Well done bunker.

Being drunk Polar Bears is tiring work so we decided it was time to get back to a safe place to hibernate. Jimmy Mac, our DD and I safely drove up the road, drinking roadies the whole way. Roadie of choice: Narraganset! A road trip blows by indeed when you're knockin' back Narragansets!

Safely back at home base I have a Ragged Branch Burbon night cap and some cold home made pizza, compliments of Jimmy Mac himself. Jimmy Mac's pizza is to die for and it will have it's own "Cheat Day. Don't Care." entry all to itself someday, you mark my words!

That booze hit hard, much like my head did the pillow after a day of libations such as these. Alcohol gets your goat good when you lay off it for a while like that. I recommend a nice long break for any serious drinker, just to see how she feels! I definitely found that I have felt great since stopping.

So great in fact...heeeeeere are the numbers!

Weigh Ins

1/21/23 - Scale #3 (Home Base) 234.2
1/28/23 - Scale #4 (New Scale) 240
2/04/23 - Scale #3 (Home Base) 234.2 (COINCIDENCE?! I THINK NOT!)

Measurements

NIPPLES: 45 1/2 inches (1/4 inch smaller than last week)
BELLY: 41 inches (1/2 inch SLIMER than last week)
HIPS: 42 inches (1/4 inch larger than last week)

SuhsuhsuhSUHWEET Can! I'm gettin' thin and fit. I'm old now! I can't be walkin' around with all this extra weight wrapped around me! Thanks Cheat Day! Alright everyone, take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
FartPinch

Rehoboth Cheat Day

Welcome to Cheat Day at the beach in the off season vacay life HACKERS! Now, I don't spend a ton of time in resort towns during their off seasons, BUT, the vibe is all CRAZY...and so is Cheat Day. The locals be going all sorts of buck wild visiting the best tourist spots before their lil'town gets dominated by jabronis like me. Well too bad for those BUSTERS, Cheat Day knows no season!

Dank ass Cheese Muffin (my nickname in college)

I wake up in a house that smells like the beach. You know that smell: salt, sand, sunscreen, seafood, semen (WHAT?! Noooo FartPinch, that's redundant). It's delightful! Especially when yer HUNGRY. I kick things off by nuking this dank ass cheese muffin from the fresh market down the street. What a way to kick off Cheat Day. 

 

The house I'm in has a waffle maker and some mix, so that is the natural first step. I plow through two waffles, one smothered in syrup from New Hampshire and the other topped with my new favorite spread, MARMALADE! This time it's home made marmalade. HEY, that friggin' rhymes! AND it's delicious. I'll be 100% Paddington in no time.

As the day rolls on I relax with some pets, I read, I chill in the hot tub, which also comes with the house and of course I SNACK. I dig into some dolmas (grape leaves stuffed with rice), BBQ potato chips, and the host's home made pizza.  

After HOURS of seemingly no meals on Cheat Day, just delicious snack munching, it's finally LUNCH TIME. My cadre and I head to local Delaware legends, Dogfish Head Brewery. It's a brew pub. However, I am still on Dry January so I don't partake in any one of there many many beers (mostly IPAs 🙄). Instead I enjoy a Pennsylvania Dutch Birch Beer. It's basically a reddish root beer. It's delicious, especially for a non-soda drinker like me. I knock back 7 or 8 of them bad boys like my name is Forrest, Forrest Gump because when you deal in soda, you deal in free refills. 

The table downs a large platter of mini pretzel bites to start. They bomb as hell...especially when dipped in that beer cheese dip NAWM SAYIN?! For my full on lunch I decide I'm gettin me something I can't get back in real-ville, U.S.A. so I get a pizza. BUT NOT JUST ANY PIZZA, CHILL! This pizza is called The Old Man and The Sea. It's pizza with panchetta and instead of sauce it's got mother fuckin' crab dip! Thanks Beach Town! The pizza was not nearly as flavorful as I was hoping, but they definitely get points for creativity. 

 

Once I'm back at the beach house I have a post-lunch cheesy muffin from Fresh Market. As day turns to dusk the drinkers begin to drink. So what the hell do I do?! Well, I eat a god damn edible and start noshing on the other treats from the fresh market: Chocolate covered chex mix, more potato chips, cheese, rosemary sour dough toast points, more cheese. 

Dinner is a strange combination that ended up working out wonderfully. It was a butternut squash-orzo dish that was earthy and delightful. Any Cheat Day where there's pasta is a good cheat day. But also, we had Polish empanadas, aka: Pierogis! Dem pierogis get the POINT AND PUMP of the week for sure. Stuffed with mashed potatoes, sauerkraut and cheese they get flash boiled and then pan fried followed by a chompity chomping by yours truly. Alla that combined makes for a fantastic time I tell ya Hwhat! Put a little sour cream on those bad boys and you're in Cheat Day heaven friend!

Pierogis

A glimpse of the Orzo

I ended the evening with a bit of iced cream. One was Jeni's - dairy free cold brew and coconut cream which was alright. But then there was something I'd never heard of "Tèo" premium gelato with the PB Caramel Crunch. THAT was extreme and delicious.

 

Sober as a jay bird but high on life... and ice cream I slowly pass out to the latest episodes of Letterkenny. Just two more sober Cheat Days friends. Not gonna lie, they've been just delightful with out the sweet warming booze juice. 

I forgot my tape measure so I just ended up weighing in this week. Sorry bout that, I'll hit you next time!

WEIGHING IN AT: 241 LBS! (DOWN A POUND AND BACK ON TRACK!)

Take care of yourselves! Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
FartPinch 

New Year New Cheat!

HAPPY NEW YEAR Cheaters! How them resolutions treating ya? You GIVE UP YET!? Not me. I'm still dieting and I'm STILL Cheating. That's right Holidays are done and I'm back to torturing myself for a fit bod and your entertainment! YES I'm fatter after the last two - three weeks, SO WHAT?! It's gonna melt right back off of me like butter in the microwave thanks to my very strict diet.

 

Is it a resolution? NO EFFIN WAY! It's a lifestyle! This Cheat Day I was left up to my own devices and I had a grrrrrEAT time doing it!

I shook myself awake and stomped into the kitchen like a hungry giant. FEE FIE FO FUM! An English Muffin? Well I might have to eat me some! I poured sugar in my coffee. I munched on a gosh darn delicious Aldi cookie wafer thing. I started slicing and eating some cheddar cheese! For the main course: I made an at home McMuffin using this little mini breakfast sandwich maker and for breakfast dessert? I covered an English muffin in Marmalade, just like Paddington. 

 

Sugar coma anyone?! 

 

After shaking myself out of that stupor I ran some Cheat Day errands, which included whipping my body into shape with a hardcore weight lift SESH #bufflikeme.

GIMME THE FOOD DOOD! Flash forward to 3pm. Linner Time. I sit down in front of the TV with one of my all time favorite dishes: A Chicken Queso Burrito with a side of Chips and BOWL of Queso Diablo from Qdoba. Qdoba > Chipotle. That's Cheat Day baby. Queso Burrito built to perfection: Flour tortilla, white rice, black beans, chicken, EXTRA queso, pico, hot sauce, CHEESE and that's it. GOT IT?! It is heavenly. Back in college I'd get two at a time, but now I'm an older, slimmer man. So instead I just ate one...AND AN ENTIRE BAG OF CHIPS AND BOWL OF QUESO!

 

Game time! Not one, but TWO of my favorite sports teams have televised sporting events and they each CRUISE through their games. It's a lot of fun. Toward the end I think to myself....What the hell else will I eat on Cheat Day before it is too late?! I guess I'll run to Wawa or something just to bring it home and wrap it up. 

                                 

While I wait for games to end I treat myself to white fudge covered Oreos and mini peppermint ice cream sandwiches...and...yes...more cheese. THEN! Just when I was fixin' to haul my stuffed and tired ass down to Wawa an angel walks through the door. The SlumLord Millionaire gets home from a pizza date with leftovers. 

Instead of Wawa I house two slices of cheese pizza and a leftover fried chicken breast from Publix. Then, it's time to polish it off with a Snickers. Hungry? Not at all. But I'll still grab a Snickers any friggin' way.

New Year New Me Busters! So, I've implemented a weigh in! New Deets below:

Weight: 242LBS
NIPS: 45.5 inches around (SMALLER than pre-holidays by .75 inches!!!)
BELLY: 43 inches around (THERE IT IS....75 inches LARGER...)
HIPS: 42.75 inches around (LARGER by 1.25 inches...now that's one FAT ASS)

Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
FartPinch