BluhDOW! Cheatereenos! Ya boy's back for another fat frickin Cheat Day! Who's fat?! NOT ME! Well...not AS fat! And all thanks to Cheat Day!
It's Cheat Day morn and I roll outta bed and onto a bowl of extra cheesy Cheez-Its. It's breakfast time after all and what goes good with Cheez-Its? CHEESE, you dumb donkeys. Sos I cuts up a nice chunk of cheddar to SLAP it on top of dem chee-Z crackers and cram as many in my mouth as I can before Slumlord Millionaire rolls out of bed his darn self and says, "HEY! Let's go to the store, we got liquor to buy!"
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| Heh Heh |
"Yessir!" I reply and we head off to the store, first the grocery so I can get some Fruit. You know I love fruit, bananas, oranges, peaches, pineapple and strawberries. I eat most of it on the short drive to the liquor store where we get some extra booze to complete this week's cocktail of the week, the kitchen sink (more on this later).
Once I return home I throw together a DELECTABLE 90/10 mimosa with some of that VERY nice fruit to garnish all while snacking on more fruit, cheez-its and this HALLOWEEN BAG of mini-twix! It's Halloween candy season people! GO AND GET IT! With that, breakfast is over! It's time for LUNCH.
Slumlord suggests Jack Brown's Burgers and Beer. At 11AM? Why THE HECK NOT! We cruise over to OLD JACK'S and the 5 person staff stops and stares at the site waltzing into their establishment. With weather this nice and a small audience I just have to peacock. Before reaching the patio I toss out a little spin move and finish with a hip thrust. Once at the patio I smack a kid's hamburger out of the little turd's hand then tussle his hair. I take the beer out of some fat slobs fist and finish it off for him. I delicately drag the tip of my pointer finger under the hostess' chin as I take my final steps into the bar where I leave my sunglass ON, of course, but snap off my bra, which supports my massive jugs, and I flip it up onto their chandelier!
We position ourselves in the middle of the bar and I DEMAND a Jack's Abby House Lager a "When in Roam" burger and a side of Mac n' Cheese. "On the double! I've got other things to eat, by God! It is Cheat Day after all!" And the staff works vigorously to bring me my victuals. Once they hear those hallowed words, they do know this is serious!
The burger is bomb. It beats the Cobra Burger, for my money. The "When in Roam" is a new Thursday special they are just "trying out" and it comes topped with chipotle pimento cheese, American cheese, crispy fried onions, and jalapeno bacon jam. I love a bunch of SLOP on my burger. I SLOP IT UP. And, I can attest to their basic burger as that is what Slumlord Millionaire eats. He too, is beyond satisfied by the flavor AND portions.
BUT THEY DON'T STOP THERE. The Mac and Cheese is dope as hell. Perfect burger joint mac, no frills, nothing fancy, just creamy cheesey deliciousness. They give every diner a giant squirt bottle of their sauce (a gourmet version of McDonald's Big Mac Sauce...I smell a trend burger bars) but it's perfect for the deliciously crispy crinkle fries and the occasional dip of the burger. Then, to cap it off, they sell fried oreos individually, which makes the perfect capper to a Cheat Day lunch. Bravo, Jack Brown's...BRAVO.
Saturday might be Cheat Day but sometimes it's ALSO for the boys. Slumlord Millionaire and I head back to the pad to put on some cute tanks and booty shorts so we can power wash the property and give the neighbors a show while we're at it. All the while we pound Peronis and Chug Miller Lites out of the baseball bat. A pretty nice little Cheat Day.
When the work (and the group shower) is done, it's time again for fun. Before going off to our next stop we mix up our COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK! This week it's a Kitchen Sink (which we discover is really more of a shooter: rye whiskey, gin, peach brandy, lemon juice, orange juice, powdered sugar and 1 egg shaken vigorously in ice and strained into glass. I give it a measly C-.
Now, we head to The Veil brewery where they house a little Taco Joint known as "Y Tu Mama." Former college roommates and Cheat Day fanatics, OmmBeautiful and OmmBeautifuller meet us there. I've drank at The Veil a bunch and usually I'd say their beer is overrated. There's a lot of Breweries in town and that's just not the best, for my money, like their reputation...and locations might otherwise dictate. But, with this trip I am pleasantly surprised. The Veil's Pilsner, called "Deep," actually tastes like a Pilsner this time and their nearly 10% ABV "Tomb Tomb" IPA is surprisingly refreshing.
HOWEVER, the MAIN EVENT. AND. My POINT AND PUMP of the Week! Goes to Y. Tu. MAMA! (AIR HORN x 3!) I get carnitas tacos (per slumlord's rec) I get the gypsy quesadilla (per the OmBeautifuls rec) and they are both a hit. The carnitas was juicy and crispy and the hot sauce and consomme were TO DIE FOR. I'm a dip man, what can I say?! The gypsy quessadilla had cheese grilled to the outside of it! Such a Taco Bell move...and I FRIGGIN LOVE Taco Bell. This this is filled with guajillo chicken, bacon, pineapple, and fresh onion and it's EXCELLENT. I simply must go back. Then again, as ya'll know I love mexican food, I love tex mex, I love cheese, I love sauce. This place does it all wonderfully.
NEXT! My little crew recommends a little soft serve. Serve me up BABY and I'll spike it right down my big fat face! Lucky for Cheat Day it's not even a block away. We stumble our way to Charm School Study Hall, which is a little window on the side of a building that serves up vanilla, chocolate or twists (either dairy or vegan) with a variety of sprinkles, toppings and sauces. I choose twist (duh) with cinnamon streusel sprinkles and top it with some toasted mallow. Stuff was bomb, as you can see below I am in fact pointing and pumping. Do not be fooled, however, my official point and pump of this blog still belongs to Y Tu Mama.
Felling mildly comatic I sit down for a while...with a Miller Lite in my hand, some Cheez-Its, and this pimento cheese for dipping. The thought to throw in the towel crosses my mind. This ol'food hole might be closing things down early this Cheat Day. I'm sorry Ommbeautifuls...this week might be my weakest week yet. When, all of a sudden, I hear the faint whistle of a sharp evening wind, a tumble weed blows by, and the sharp metallic sounds of spurs hitting the driveway. Good crow! It's the fastest gun east of the Mississippi swooping in to enjoy some fourth quarter Cheat Day!
This fast gun RALLIES the troops! "GET UP!" He shouts! "We're going to get us a COCKTAIL! And maybe some TACO BELL!"
"Y..yes sir Mr. Mississippi! Where to?!" I reply timidly and very full.
"Hotel Greene is the spot for a cocktail." He says gruffly.
"A hotel? If you say so." I unwisely question.
"AND INDOOR GOLF COURSE!" He shouts. "Now, LET'S RIDE!"
The busy staff of The Hotel Greene see us coming and they stop dead in their tracks, they know what kind of debauchery is about to descend on their otherwise uneventful Saturday night. We boys kick in the doors to the joint but are thrown off instantly by the cheerful greet of the bellhop checking IDs. He was dressed head to toe in, what else, GREEN. The lobby is lavishly decorated with prop suitcases, gaudy wallpaper, and faux works of art. The bar is both gorgeous and gorgeously stocked. The sense when first entering is one of frivolous whimsy. They sign us up for a little golf, seat us at a table to wait and offer to grab us some libations.
I order up a Dickinson Square: Rittenhouse rye, Luxardo maraschino, Cynar, lemon, absinthe, angostura bitters. It really hits the spot and settles my stomach before this very serious game of miniature golf. The fastest gun east of the Mississippi orders an RVA Mule: Belle Isle Honey Habanero moonshine, which is quite spicy and because it is Cheat Day we order a spring pea puree flatbread which is also topped with prosciutto, grape tomato and mozzarella. It is lackluster.
Before we shove off for our game we order a couple of Narangsentt Lager tall boys to golf with. The course is delightful. Its design and decorations and wonderfully executed, it's like we're playing golf on the set of a Wes Anderson movie. There are small miniatures exhibits hidden along the way, just peer into certain peepholes to find them. However, this design makes the course difficult to play. On some holes we are crammed into corners or smashed up against wells.
HOWEVER AGAIN! They have staff walking the course asking if anything is needed! YES, DUH, Another GOSH DARN Narangsett, por favor! Next thing you know, the nice lady comes around the corner with our delicious beers and spills them everywhere, so she leaves us the half beers AND gets us two more. Everything's coming up Cheat Day!
We finish the course, pay the tab...and head on our way to round out the Cheat Day with some...you guessed it...Taco Bell. This is only my second trip to Taco Bell since the start of this whole venture and I've learned something about Taco Bell. It ALWAYS scratches the itch. Even when it is disappointing. But yes, it can be disappointing. I'm finding that it is certainly best to limit my Taco Bell intake. One way to do that, is to avoid the Taco Bells at night. Not only is it worse for you then, but it is also more poorly constructed.
After I finish my "modest" order of itch scratching Taco Bell I fall asleep like an angel on the couch, beer in hand. 3 Floyds Zombie Dust is this week's pass out beer of choice! I have sweet Cheat Day dreams for tomorrow it is the run of the mill daily waking nightmare that is Non-Cheat Day.
MEASURE UP!
NIPS: 48 1/4 (UP, 1 1/4 inched - Big FAT boobs needed a BIG FAT BRA, but only for a day)
HIPS: 42 1/2 (UP 1/8th of an inch, rockin' that PHAT ass too)
Belly Button: 44 (DOWN - most importantly - 1/8 of an inch)
PTB: 178 CM (peaCOCKing baby)
Alright everybody! Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.
ELE,
Zach
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