Day Drunk In North Port To Beat The Hurricane

Heavens to Betsy Cheat fans! Another one is in the books. It’s Cheat Day and I’m still LOSING THE POUNDS/Inches! Ya know, it’s weeks like this that really remind you why you’re still doing it. Weaving in and out of the farce of life is meaningless without challenges. And, since humankind has wiped away the majority of the world’s natural challenges (except of course hurricanes, those pesky bastards) might as well make up a nice challenge for yourself, eh? 

This Cheat Day I awake in North Port, FL. The comfy bed in guest room numero dos of Chris and Ellen Finch’s lavish estate is lulling me into a false sense of laziness. I shake myself out of it as I was able to abstain from the devil carb even through travels of air and auto and now I NEED to get me to some cheat food and this instant! 

I groggily move my firm and showy bottom into the kitchen where a delicious looking cherry coffee cake is calling me, like a lover not yet satisfied. I slice myself a healthy portion before I even get my coffee ready. It’s moist, it’s sweet, it’s from Publix. It hits the gosh darn spot. I wash it down with my coffee right before I move on to the other Publix staple. FRIED FRIGGIN CHICKEN! That’s right! Fried chicken for breakfast and in reverse gosh darn order from a dinner: dessert first, main course second. 

If you aren’t familiar with Publix, they’ve get a lot of good shit going on. Fried chicken is the highlight, but they also do a MEAN sandwich that they call a pub sub. If you are in the southeastern United States for any length of time…cheat yoself.

It’s always a party at Chris and Ellen Finch’s so before too long some extended family show up to enjoy some Cheat Day of their own. My brother and I start knocking back White Claws from the no.2 variety pack like we’re on a boat in the middle of May. This is mom and dad’s house mind you so I get to shoving Reeses’ candies and peanut M&M and slices of cheese into my mouth during the cheat chug of white claws. Oh yeah, and fresh figs are the fruit of the week.

The conversation amongst the extended fam is fabulous as I get Cheat Day-drunk. A game of darts unfolds while we men-folk taunt each other and the women folk get to putting together some pasta bolognese as the Cheat Day main course. There’s something very nice about a simple house made gravy and a couple of boxes of pasta with some Texas toast on the side. It’s delicious,,,especially when you’re Cheat Day-drunk.

I eat about two and half helpings of pasta, sauce and Texas toast and YES! I even have a salad. Which was AMAZING because I got to have some creamy ass Caesar ass dressing and I of course top that shit with facon-bits and Parmesan cheese! A Cheat Day salad! So refreshing. 

Conversation continues a while. Reminiscing mixes with fresh/hot gossip whittles away the afternoon. I get a tad drunker and eventually the extended family moseys back to their respective home. It was then that it hit me, here I am, drunk off my ass and I haven’t even created a cocktail of the week. An errand would need to be run!

The ABC stores in Florida are tight. They got tons of crap including booze, beers, wine, mixers, snacks, cigars and HOOKERS if you end up at the wrong one. This being Florida I decided the cocktail of the week should be a Rum Runner so I got myself some rum, some fruity liquors and some fruity juices to mix.

After throwing them all together in a pitcher and mixing them up I discovered that Rum Runners are the easiest and most dangerous cocktail to make. My god was it sweet and delicious and MY GOD was it boozy. Ask me for my recipe and I’ll make one up for you.

The evening shifted swiftly into night and there was dessert still left to be done. My aunt brought over home made brownies, but those were quickly demolished after spaghetti linner. A Sno-Cone truck opened up right down the street from Chris and Ellen Finch’s house and a lot of you may not know this, but I FUCKING LOVE Sno-Cones, aka Hawaiian Shave Ice. 

Growing up I’d go to the 2nd most popular beach in the state of Delaware for a week or two during the summer, every summer, and there’d be a shave ice stand right on the board walk. I’d have my chore money with me and I’d blow it all at the shave ice stand. When I ran out of chore money my mom and aunts and uncles and grandma would take pity on me and buy me my daily shave ice. Some days I’d make off with TWO Shave Ice in one day. I love them. So, when they’re available I go get one. That is what I do next, does Cheat Day Care? You already know the answer to that.

I got a big ass shave ice PACKED with sugar water. The flavors? Tiger’s Blood, Watermelon and Orange. I topped this bad boy with a sweet cream drizzle. I’ll say this, it scratched the shave ice itch. But, I’ll also say this, it DOES NOT get my point and pump of the week. The oddly sexy couple running the shave ice stand get my point and pump of the week for filling my utmost childhood fantasies. This man and woman had no business being this hot hanging out in a shave ice trailer in an Advanced Auto Parts parking lot in North Port, FL. They just simply did not. 

Now, I know there hasn’t been TOO MUCH food consumed this here Cheat Day, But it has been a good, down home, middle class cheat day food fest! PLUS! You know what I do next? Just so I don’t let you down I combine left overs and make myself a red neck chicken parmesan, YES I DO ya’ll Som betches! I grab a few more pieces of that Publix fried chicken, smother it in the pasta sauce from earlier, heat that bad boy up and cover it in mozzarella and parmesan cheese! I take it to task like a drunken Florida MANiac!

After all that I am ready to have it out with my brother all the rest of the night. He and I oiled ourselves up and wrestled, both mentally and physically, until about 2 in the got dang morn like good brothers should crushing white claws all the while. It may not be the most impressive, but I love this Cheat Day. There’s something to be said for it. Call yer mothers. 

The “Weigh In” 

Nips: 46.1875

Hips: 42.125

Belly: 43.5625

DTP: A HONKIN’ 147 mm

Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,

Zach

Jack Brown Can Ring My Bell, "Y Tu Mama?"

BluhDOW! Cheatereenos! Ya boy's back for another fat frickin Cheat Day! Who's fat?! NOT ME! Well...not AS fat! And all thanks to Cheat Day!

It's Cheat Day morn and I roll outta bed and onto a bowl of extra cheesy Cheez-Its. It's breakfast time after all and what goes good with Cheez-Its? CHEESE, you dumb donkeys. Sos I cuts up a nice chunk of cheddar to SLAP it on top of dem chee-Z crackers and cram as many in my mouth as I can before Slumlord Millionaire rolls out of bed his darn self and says, "HEY! Let's go to the store, we got liquor to buy!"

Heh Heh

"Yessir!" I reply and we head off to the store, first the grocery so I can get some Fruit. You know I love fruit, bananas, oranges, peaches, pineapple and strawberries. I eat most of it on the short drive to the liquor store where we get some extra booze to complete this week's cocktail of the week, the kitchen sink (more on this later). 

Once I return home I throw together a DELECTABLE 90/10 mimosa with some of that VERY nice fruit to garnish all while snacking on more fruit, cheez-its and this HALLOWEEN BAG of mini-twix! It's Halloween candy season people! GO AND GET IT! With that, breakfast is over! It's time for LUNCH.

Slumlord suggests Jack Brown's Burgers and Beer. At 11AM? Why THE HECK NOT! We cruise over to OLD JACK'S and the 5 person staff stops and stares at the site waltzing into their establishment. With weather this nice and a small audience I just have to peacock. Before reaching the patio I toss out a little spin move and finish with a hip thrust. Once at the patio I smack a kid's hamburger out of the little turd's hand then tussle his hair. I take the beer out of some fat slobs fist and finish it off for him. I delicately drag the tip of my pointer finger under the hostess' chin as I take my final steps into the bar where I leave my sunglass ON, of course, but snap off my bra, which supports my massive jugs, and I flip it up onto their chandelier!

We position ourselves in the middle of the bar and I DEMAND a Jack's Abby House Lager a "When in Roam" burger and a side of Mac n' Cheese. "On the double! I've got other things to eat, by God! It is Cheat Day after all!" And the staff works vigorously to bring me my victuals. Once they hear those hallowed words, they do know this is serious!

                        

The burger is bomb. It beats the Cobra Burger, for my money. The "When in Roam" is a new Thursday special they are just "trying out" and it comes topped with chipotle pimento cheese, American cheese, crispy fried onions, and jalapeno bacon jam. I love a bunch of SLOP on my burger. I SLOP IT UP. And, I can attest to their basic burger as that is what Slumlord Millionaire eats. He too, is beyond satisfied by the flavor AND portions. 

BUT THEY DON'T STOP THERE. The Mac and Cheese is dope as hell. Perfect burger joint mac, no frills, nothing fancy, just creamy cheesey deliciousness. They give every diner a giant squirt bottle of their sauce (a gourmet version of McDonald's Big Mac Sauce...I smell a trend burger bars) but it's perfect for the deliciously crispy crinkle fries and the occasional dip of the burger. Then, to cap it off, they sell fried oreos individually, which makes the perfect capper to a Cheat Day lunch. Bravo, Jack Brown's...BRAVO.

Saturday might be Cheat Day but sometimes it's ALSO for the boys. Slumlord Millionaire and I head back to the pad to put on some cute tanks and booty shorts so we can power wash the property and give the neighbors a show while we're at it. All the while we pound Peronis and Chug Miller Lites out of the baseball bat. A pretty nice little Cheat Day. 

When the work (and the group shower) is done, it's time again for fun. Before going off to our next stop we mix up our COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK! This week it's a Kitchen Sink (which we discover is really more of a shooter: rye whiskey, gin, peach brandy, lemon juice, orange juice, powdered sugar and 1 egg shaken vigorously in ice and strained into glass. I give it a measly C-.

Now, we head to The Veil brewery where they house a little Taco Joint known as "Y Tu Mama." Former college roommates and Cheat Day fanatics, OmmBeautiful and OmmBeautifuller meet us there. I've drank at The Veil a bunch and usually I'd say their beer is overrated. There's a lot of Breweries in town and that's just not the best, for my money, like their reputation...and locations might otherwise dictate. But, with this trip I am pleasantly surprised. The Veil's Pilsner, called "Deep," actually tastes like a Pilsner this time and their nearly 10% ABV "Tomb Tomb" IPA is surprisingly refreshing. 

HOWEVER, the MAIN EVENT. AND. My POINT AND PUMP of the Week! Goes to Y. Tu. MAMA! (AIR HORN x 3!) I get carnitas tacos (per slumlord's rec) I get the gypsy quesadilla (per the OmBeautifuls rec) and they are both a hit. The carnitas was juicy and crispy and the hot sauce and consomme were TO DIE FOR. I'm a dip man, what can I say?! The gypsy quessadilla had cheese grilled to the outside of it! Such a Taco Bell move...and I FRIGGIN LOVE Taco Bell. This this is filled with guajillo chicken, bacon, pineapple, and fresh onion and it's EXCELLENT. I simply must go back. Then again, as ya'll know I love mexican food, I love tex mex, I love cheese, I love sauce. This place does it all wonderfully.

NEXT! My little crew recommends a little soft serve. Serve me up BABY and I'll spike it right down my big fat face! Lucky for Cheat Day it's not even a block away. We stumble our way to Charm School Study Hall, which is a little window on the side of a building that serves up vanilla, chocolate or twists (either dairy or vegan) with a variety of sprinkles, toppings and sauces. I choose twist (duh) with cinnamon streusel sprinkles and top it with some toasted mallow. Stuff was bomb, as you can see below I am in fact pointing and pumping. Do not be fooled, however, my official point and pump of this blog still belongs to Y Tu Mama. 

Felling mildly comatic I sit down for a while...with a Miller Lite in my hand, some Cheez-Its, and this pimento cheese for dipping. The thought to throw in the towel crosses my mind. This ol'food hole might be closing things down early this Cheat Day. I'm sorry Ommbeautifuls...this week might be my weakest week yet. When, all of a sudden, I hear the faint whistle of a sharp evening wind, a tumble weed blows by, and the sharp metallic sounds of spurs hitting the driveway. Good crow! It's the fastest gun east of the Mississippi swooping in to enjoy some fourth quarter Cheat Day!

This fast gun RALLIES the troops! "GET UP!" He shouts! "We're going to get us a COCKTAIL! And maybe some TACO BELL!"

"Y..yes sir Mr. Mississippi! Where to?!" I reply timidly and very full. 

"Hotel Greene is the spot for a cocktail." He says gruffly. 

"A hotel? If you say so." I unwisely question.

"AND INDOOR GOLF COURSE!" He shouts. "Now, LET'S RIDE!"

The busy staff of The Hotel Greene see us coming and they stop dead in their tracks, they know what kind of debauchery is about to descend on their otherwise uneventful Saturday night. We boys kick in the doors to the joint but are thrown off instantly by the cheerful greet of the bellhop checking IDs. He was dressed head to toe in, what else, GREEN. The lobby is lavishly decorated with prop suitcases, gaudy wallpaper, and faux works of art. The bar is both gorgeous and gorgeously stocked. The sense when first entering is one of frivolous whimsy. They sign us up for a little golf, seat us at a table to wait and offer to grab us some libations. 

I order up a Dickinson Square: Rittenhouse rye, Luxardo maraschino, Cynar, lemon, absinthe, angostura bitters. It really hits the spot and settles my stomach before this very serious game of miniature golf. The fastest gun east of the Mississippi orders an RVA Mule: Belle Isle Honey Habanero moonshine, which is quite spicy and because it is Cheat Day we order a spring pea puree flatbread which is also topped with prosciutto, grape tomato and mozzarella. It is lackluster. 

Before we shove off for our game we order a couple of Narangsentt Lager tall boys to golf with. The course is delightful. Its design and decorations and wonderfully executed, it's like we're playing golf on the set of a Wes Anderson movie. There are small miniatures exhibits hidden along the way, just peer into certain peepholes to find them. However, this design makes the course difficult to play. On some holes we are crammed into corners or smashed up against wells. 

HOWEVER AGAIN! They have staff walking the course asking if anything is needed! YES, DUH, Another GOSH DARN Narangsett, por favor! Next thing you know, the nice lady comes around the corner with our delicious beers and spills them everywhere, so she leaves us the half beers AND gets us two more. Everything's coming up Cheat Day!

We finish the course, pay the tab...and head on our way to round out the Cheat Day with some...you guessed it...Taco Bell. This is only my second trip to Taco Bell since the start of this whole venture and I've learned something about Taco Bell. It ALWAYS scratches the itch. Even when it is disappointing. But yes, it can be disappointing. I'm finding that it is certainly best to limit my Taco Bell intake. One way to do that, is to avoid the Taco Bells at night. Not only is it worse for you then, but it is also more poorly constructed. 

After I finish my "modest" order of itch scratching Taco Bell I fall asleep like an angel on the couch, beer in hand. 3 Floyds Zombie Dust is this week's pass out beer of choice! I have sweet Cheat Day dreams for tomorrow it is the run of the mill daily waking nightmare that is Non-Cheat Day.

MEASURE UP!

NIPS: 48 1/4 (UP, 1 1/4 inched - Big FAT boobs needed a BIG FAT BRA, but only for a day)
HIPS: 42 1/2 (UP 1/8th of an inch, rockin' that PHAT ass too)
Belly Button: 44 (DOWN - most importantly - 1/8 of an inch)
PTB: 178 CM (peaCOCKing baby)

Alright everybody! Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

2 Amys Have Their Honeymoon Every Sundae

Summer fades and I fear I've begun this Cheat Day journey too late in the year! My soon to be far too sexy body will have no place to be displayed. Am I to be that guy who wears no shirt in the dead of winter? UUUUUh if I cheatin' HAVE TO!

Besides! Who says I can't keep cheatin' forever! Maybe it's the only way to stay sexy. In fact it almost definitely is. I'm no scientist, but I cheated in science class to get a C- and so I think I know a thing or two about human physiology,  alright?!

"God you're dumb...What'd you stuff your face with this time dumb dumb?"

You just hold on to your guts cheatin' busters, cause here it comes! It's 7:30 AM Cheat Day morn'. My alarm is set and I do NOT hit the snooze. I kick off the covers and all I'm wearing is a bib. No shirt, no pants, no socks, no draws. JUST BIB. I hold in my morning whiz because I just have to orally inject some kind of carbohydrate into my starving body. What receives the coveted first taste this week?

A Coffee Pina Colada from Virago: Coconut milk, Pineapple Spiced Rum, Virgao's coffee liqueur and straight up iced coffee. What a way to kick the day right into high gear. Let the cheatin' begin. 

Drunkenly I start slapping slices of chocolate chip brioche from Aldi into an egg soup to get it ready for the skillet. French Toast is on deck. Sally small stomach asks if I'd like to go snag a fried chicken breakfast burrito instead of eating the French Toast. I says to her I says, "Listen toots, this here's Cheat Day. There's no such word as 'instead' there is only 'in addition to,' 'plus,' 'as well as,' 'double down on this dumpster day dumptruck!'"

I eat the chocolate chip brioche French Toast covered in bananas, black berries and two different kinds of maple syrup (one from Canada and one from Vermont). Which was better? U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

On our way to the fried chicken place I have to run an errand to the farmer's market for some *gag* vegetables *gag*. This is a total NON Cheat Day move, but it IS necessary for Cheat Day to even happen in the first place, so the farmer's market gets a pass. PLUS, I get to eat this delicious syrupy Belgian waffle and watermelon popsicle while I am there.

After making quick work of those bomb snacks it's finally time for a real meal at Honeymoon Fried Chicken in Pet Sounds, I mean Pet Cemetery...PETWORTH! It's a neighborhood in D.C. with a horrible name. Petworth...pfff. Anyway, Honeymoon Fried Chicken is the bomb. The place is fyre as the kids would say...and spell. It benefits from some new COVID protocol such as: sit your ass down at an open table, scan the QR code, order from the app, eat your delicious food, pay and fuq off. It's brilliant, and I love it. 

Honeymoon has great staff. They play great music. They have great clientele. They serve delicious food. I got the aforementioned breakfast burrito which was stuffed with egg, cheese, quac, poblano pepper, home fries and hot honey glazed fried chicken pieces! It was one of the most unique tasting takes on one of my all time favorite dishes, the breakfast burrito. It came with a refreshing watermelon, mint and feta salad. 

Sally small stomach ordered a two piece meal with two rolls. The chicken is the show stopper, as it should be. The breading was crispy and spiced perfectly. The white meat chicken was hot, tender and juicy. The rolls were buttered and honeyed and soft and flakey. MY GOD. I'd go back right now...if it were Cheat Day...

For drinks I got a local Pilsner on draft...BEER! And I got to taste Sally's VERY BOOZY Rosemary-Ginger Mule. Honeymoon gets this fat ass' Point and Pump of the week!

All that pointing and pumping made me hungry. This Pet Food neighborhood got an ice cream place anywhere? Everyday Sundae is a short drive or a medium walk away. It's Cheat Day, so drive it is. Good thing it's not Everyday Sunday...cause then I couldn't eat there, amirite? This place is another HUGE win. If I hadn't already given away my point and pump I'd be...AH the hell with it! TWO POINT AND PUMPS IN ONE WEEK! Yessir!

I stroll up to Everyday Sundae ready for a treat. The extremely friendly and chill owner of the shop sits on a bench just inside the store reading a book. He greets me graciously and generously begins to offer any assistance I may need. He allows me to taste whatever I like. Ultimately I choose hazelnut and fudge as the base and astonishing cappuccino as the topper to my two scoop waffle cone. As my new favorite ice cream monger, Charles, prepares my treat his son rushes into the shop. Charles pauses and hugs his son lovingly. It's very sweet. Almost as sweet as this ice cream I'm about to inhale. His son then puts on an apron and gets to work helping out his old man. MY GOD, have ya ever seen anything like it? Not in this gaul dern day and age I'll tell ya! It melted my heart... but not my ice cream. 

I eat the amazing two scooper on the patio of the adjacent cidery, Anxo. It's a cool spot, but the cider is mediocre. Especially next to the flavor of the ice cream. It was fine for a little extra Cheat Day booze, but I wouldn't write home to mama over it.

Blissfully bloated a moment arrives where I'm not forcing food in my fat face, mostly because I'm driving around town. Pretty soon I randomly find myself in a Georgetown alumni football "tailgate" event on the lawn next to their sub par football stadium. Had I known I'd end up here I might not have spent all my money on the very delicious Honeymoon and Everyday Sundae. Ya see, this tailgate was simply an all you can eat barbecue buffet with free beer and wine. I tossed a jalapeño corn muffin or two into my yap trap and chased em down with an ice cold Stella Artois then I stuffed a cookie or two down there as well and chased THAT with a Bud Light from the ice bucket. 

I had places to go and people to meet, so we couldn't stay long. The fastest gun eat of the Mississippi was on his way up to pack in some pizza with me...and catch a show at The Black Cat in DC. You see, the fastest gun east of the Mississippi and I used to be punkers. Now we're just fat old me who like to eat and sit. The fastest gun east of the Mississippi met me at home base where I offered him a Carlsberg or two, I of course joined him after I drank another liquored up coffee drink. Ya know, to keep my momentum going. 

           

For dinner we had our sites set on local DC Pizza joint 2 Amys. You may recall that the fastest gun east of the Mississippi is my number 1 pizza fuqboi. Dude FUQs with ZA Brah! Neapolitan is the style he makes too and that's what 2 Amys slings. We get there and we order a bunch of appetizers that would do Cheat Day proud like fired rice balls, lamb skewers and a crazy pork pate that comes with pickled veggies and delicious bread. We got some drinks to start as well, of course. I stayed the course with a delightful pilsner. Sally Small Stomach snagged a delicious Rosè. The fastest gun east of the Mississippi ordered the Two Amy's take on the Negroni. 

With everyone satisfied it was time for pizza. Not unlike Pizzeria Bianco in Phoenix the Two Amys in DC specialize in burnt blistered Neapolitan pizzas. We ordered one of the pizzas of the day: 2amys sausage, fingerling potatoes and carmen peppers as well as the Pazzuolli (2 amys sausage, hotties, grilled peppers, parsley and fontina). Pazzuolli took it, but both were absolutely BREATHTAKING. 

SHOWTIME! The Black Cat was maybe 20/25% full this night which gave the bar easy access, SCORE! I knocked back two or three beers while we watched two of the three bands on the bill before leaving early to hit up Ben's Chili Bowl for a Cheat Day night cap. Ben's Chili Bowl, a DC staple. Every town should have one. Of course, in Chicago's case...1,000.

I was drunk and already mostly full so I wasn't playing no games in there. I marched right up to the counter and ordered quickly: 1 chili cheese dog and some chili cheese fries and banana pudding please! It comes quick. These guys are pros. Somehow, even though I am full and drunk to the point of discomfort it hits the spot. Salty, greasy, cheesy, fried goodness! I'd eat it right now....if it were Cheat Day. 

The fastest gun east of the Mississippi and I spend the rest of the night drinking Carlsbergs and Weihenstephaners, alcoholic kombucha and Bending Time by Dogfish Head. We drink and carry on talking about music and life, the way things used to be and how the world is going to hell in a hand basket. Just like a couple of fat old men who used to be punkers and who want nothing more but to sit and eat.  

MEASUREMENTS!

NIPS: 47in (DOWN 3/8ths of an inch from last week!)
BellyButton: 44 1/8 (...up 1/4 of an inch...🙄)
HIPS: 42 1/8 (Up 1/8 of an inch...🍑)

Take care of yourselves! Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach