Summer fades and I fear I've begun this Cheat Day journey too late in the year! My soon to be far too sexy body will have no place to be displayed. Am I to be that guy who wears no shirt in the dead of winter? UUUUUh if I cheatin' HAVE TO!
Besides! Who says I can't keep cheatin' forever! Maybe it's the only way to stay sexy. In fact it almost definitely is. I'm no scientist, but I cheated in science class to get a C- and so I think I know a thing or two about human physiology, alright?!
"God you're dumb...What'd you stuff your face with this time dumb dumb?"
You just hold on to your guts cheatin' busters, cause here it comes! It's 7:30 AM Cheat Day morn'. My alarm is set and I do NOT hit the snooze. I kick off the covers and all I'm wearing is a bib. No shirt, no pants, no socks, no draws. JUST BIB. I hold in my morning whiz because I just have to orally inject some kind of carbohydrate into my starving body. What receives the coveted first taste this week?
A Coffee Pina Colada from Virago: Coconut milk, Pineapple Spiced Rum, Virgao's coffee liqueur and straight up iced coffee. What a way to kick the day right into high gear. Let the cheatin' begin.
Drunkenly I start slapping slices of chocolate chip brioche from Aldi into an egg soup to get it ready for the skillet. French Toast is on deck. Sally small stomach asks if I'd like to go snag a fried chicken breakfast burrito instead of eating the French Toast. I says to her I says, "Listen toots, this here's Cheat Day. There's no such word as 'instead' there is only 'in addition to,' 'plus,' 'as well as,' 'double down on this dumpster day dumptruck!'"
I eat the chocolate chip brioche French Toast covered in bananas, black berries and two different kinds of maple syrup (one from Canada and one from Vermont). Which was better? U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
On our way to the fried chicken place I have to run an errand to the farmer's market for some *gag* vegetables *gag*. This is a total NON Cheat Day move, but it IS necessary for Cheat Day to even happen in the first place, so the farmer's market gets a pass. PLUS, I get to eat this delicious syrupy Belgian waffle and watermelon popsicle while I am there.
After making quick work of those bomb snacks it's finally time for a real meal at Honeymoon Fried Chicken in Pet Sounds, I mean Pet Cemetery...PETWORTH! It's a neighborhood in D.C. with a horrible name. Petworth...pfff. Anyway, Honeymoon Fried Chicken is the bomb. The place is fyre as the kids would say...and spell. It benefits from some new COVID protocol such as: sit your ass down at an open table, scan the QR code, order from the app, eat your delicious food, pay and fuq off. It's brilliant, and I love it.
Honeymoon has great staff. They play great music. They have great clientele. They serve delicious food. I got the aforementioned breakfast burrito which was stuffed with egg, cheese, quac, poblano pepper, home fries and hot honey glazed fried chicken pieces! It was one of the most unique tasting takes on one of my all time favorite dishes, the breakfast burrito. It came with a refreshing watermelon, mint and feta salad.
Sally small stomach ordered a two piece meal with two rolls. The chicken is the show stopper, as it should be. The breading was crispy and spiced perfectly. The white meat chicken was hot, tender and juicy. The rolls were buttered and honeyed and soft and flakey. MY GOD. I'd go back right now...if it were Cheat Day...
For drinks I got a local Pilsner on draft...BEER! And I got to taste Sally's VERY BOOZY Rosemary-Ginger Mule. Honeymoon gets this fat ass' Point and Pump of the week!
All that pointing and pumping made me hungry. This Pet Food neighborhood got an ice cream place anywhere? Everyday Sundae is a short drive or a medium walk away. It's Cheat Day, so drive it is. Good thing it's not Everyday Sunday...cause then I couldn't eat there, amirite? This place is another HUGE win. If I hadn't already given away my point and pump I'd be...AH the hell with it! TWO POINT AND PUMPS IN ONE WEEK! Yessir!
I stroll up to Everyday Sundae ready for a treat. The extremely friendly and chill owner of the shop sits on a bench just inside the store reading a book. He greets me graciously and generously begins to offer any assistance I may need. He allows me to taste whatever I like. Ultimately I choose hazelnut and fudge as the base and astonishing cappuccino as the topper to my two scoop waffle cone. As my new favorite ice cream monger, Charles, prepares my treat his son rushes into the shop. Charles pauses and hugs his son lovingly. It's very sweet. Almost as sweet as this ice cream I'm about to inhale. His son then puts on an apron and gets to work helping out his old man. MY GOD, have ya ever seen anything like it? Not in this gaul dern day and age I'll tell ya! It melted my heart... but not my ice cream.
I eat the amazing two scooper on the patio of the adjacent cidery, Anxo. It's a cool spot, but the cider is mediocre. Especially next to the flavor of the ice cream. It was fine for a little extra Cheat Day booze, but I wouldn't write home to mama over it.
Blissfully bloated a moment arrives where I'm not forcing food in my fat face, mostly because I'm driving around town. Pretty soon I randomly find myself in a Georgetown alumni football "tailgate" event on the lawn next to their sub par football stadium. Had I known I'd end up here I might not have spent all my money on the very delicious Honeymoon and Everyday Sundae. Ya see, this tailgate was simply an all you can eat barbecue buffet with free beer and wine. I tossed a jalapeño corn muffin or two into my yap trap and chased em down with an ice cold Stella Artois then I stuffed a cookie or two down there as well and chased THAT with a Bud Light from the ice bucket.
I had places to go and people to meet, so we couldn't stay long. The fastest gun eat of the Mississippi was on his way up to pack in some pizza with me...and catch a show at The Black Cat in DC. You see, the fastest gun east of the Mississippi and I used to be punkers. Now we're just fat old me who like to eat and sit. The fastest gun east of the Mississippi met me at home base where I offered him a Carlsberg or two, I of course joined him after I drank another liquored up coffee drink. Ya know, to keep my momentum going.
For dinner we had our sites set on local DC Pizza joint 2 Amys. You may recall that the fastest gun east of the Mississippi is my number 1 pizza fuqboi. Dude FUQs with ZA Brah! Neapolitan is the style he makes too and that's what 2 Amys slings. We get there and we order a bunch of appetizers that would do Cheat Day proud like fired rice balls, lamb skewers and a crazy pork pate that comes with pickled veggies and delicious bread. We got some drinks to start as well, of course. I stayed the course with a delightful pilsner. Sally Small Stomach snagged a delicious Rosè. The fastest gun east of the Mississippi ordered the Two Amy's take on the Negroni.
With everyone satisfied it was time for pizza. Not unlike Pizzeria Bianco in Phoenix the Two Amys in DC specialize in burnt blistered Neapolitan pizzas. We ordered one of the pizzas of the day: 2amys sausage, fingerling potatoes and carmen peppers as well as the Pazzuolli (2 amys sausage, hotties, grilled peppers, parsley and fontina). Pazzuolli took it, but both were absolutely BREATHTAKING.
SHOWTIME! The Black Cat was maybe 20/25% full this night which gave the bar easy access, SCORE! I knocked back two or three beers while we watched two of the three bands on the bill before leaving early to hit up Ben's Chili Bowl for a Cheat Day night cap. Ben's Chili Bowl, a DC staple. Every town should have one. Of course, in Chicago's case...1,000.
I was drunk and already mostly full so I wasn't playing no games in there. I marched right up to the counter and ordered quickly: 1 chili cheese dog and some chili cheese fries and banana pudding please! It comes quick. These guys are pros. Somehow, even though I am full and drunk to the point of discomfort it hits the spot. Salty, greasy, cheesy, fried goodness! I'd eat it right now....if it were Cheat Day.
The fastest gun east of the Mississippi and I spend the rest of the night drinking Carlsbergs and Weihenstephaners, alcoholic kombucha and Bending Time by Dogfish Head. We drink and carry on talking about music and life, the way things used to be and how the world is going to hell in a hand basket. Just like a couple of fat old men who used to be punkers and who want nothing more but to sit and eat.
MEASUREMENTS!
NIPS: 47in (DOWN 3/8ths of an inch from last week!)
BellyButton: 44 1/8 (...up 1/4 of an inch...🙄)
HIPS: 42 1/8 (Up 1/8 of an inch...🍑)
Take care of yourselves! Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.
ELE,
Zach
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