2 Amys Have Their Honeymoon Every Sundae

Summer fades and I fear I've begun this Cheat Day journey too late in the year! My soon to be far too sexy body will have no place to be displayed. Am I to be that guy who wears no shirt in the dead of winter? UUUUUh if I cheatin' HAVE TO!

Besides! Who says I can't keep cheatin' forever! Maybe it's the only way to stay sexy. In fact it almost definitely is. I'm no scientist, but I cheated in science class to get a C- and so I think I know a thing or two about human physiology,  alright?!

"God you're dumb...What'd you stuff your face with this time dumb dumb?"

You just hold on to your guts cheatin' busters, cause here it comes! It's 7:30 AM Cheat Day morn'. My alarm is set and I do NOT hit the snooze. I kick off the covers and all I'm wearing is a bib. No shirt, no pants, no socks, no draws. JUST BIB. I hold in my morning whiz because I just have to orally inject some kind of carbohydrate into my starving body. What receives the coveted first taste this week?

A Coffee Pina Colada from Virago: Coconut milk, Pineapple Spiced Rum, Virgao's coffee liqueur and straight up iced coffee. What a way to kick the day right into high gear. Let the cheatin' begin. 

Drunkenly I start slapping slices of chocolate chip brioche from Aldi into an egg soup to get it ready for the skillet. French Toast is on deck. Sally small stomach asks if I'd like to go snag a fried chicken breakfast burrito instead of eating the French Toast. I says to her I says, "Listen toots, this here's Cheat Day. There's no such word as 'instead' there is only 'in addition to,' 'plus,' 'as well as,' 'double down on this dumpster day dumptruck!'"

I eat the chocolate chip brioche French Toast covered in bananas, black berries and two different kinds of maple syrup (one from Canada and one from Vermont). Which was better? U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

On our way to the fried chicken place I have to run an errand to the farmer's market for some *gag* vegetables *gag*. This is a total NON Cheat Day move, but it IS necessary for Cheat Day to even happen in the first place, so the farmer's market gets a pass. PLUS, I get to eat this delicious syrupy Belgian waffle and watermelon popsicle while I am there.

After making quick work of those bomb snacks it's finally time for a real meal at Honeymoon Fried Chicken in Pet Sounds, I mean Pet Cemetery...PETWORTH! It's a neighborhood in D.C. with a horrible name. Petworth...pfff. Anyway, Honeymoon Fried Chicken is the bomb. The place is fyre as the kids would say...and spell. It benefits from some new COVID protocol such as: sit your ass down at an open table, scan the QR code, order from the app, eat your delicious food, pay and fuq off. It's brilliant, and I love it. 

Honeymoon has great staff. They play great music. They have great clientele. They serve delicious food. I got the aforementioned breakfast burrito which was stuffed with egg, cheese, quac, poblano pepper, home fries and hot honey glazed fried chicken pieces! It was one of the most unique tasting takes on one of my all time favorite dishes, the breakfast burrito. It came with a refreshing watermelon, mint and feta salad. 

Sally small stomach ordered a two piece meal with two rolls. The chicken is the show stopper, as it should be. The breading was crispy and spiced perfectly. The white meat chicken was hot, tender and juicy. The rolls were buttered and honeyed and soft and flakey. MY GOD. I'd go back right now...if it were Cheat Day...

For drinks I got a local Pilsner on draft...BEER! And I got to taste Sally's VERY BOOZY Rosemary-Ginger Mule. Honeymoon gets this fat ass' Point and Pump of the week!

All that pointing and pumping made me hungry. This Pet Food neighborhood got an ice cream place anywhere? Everyday Sundae is a short drive or a medium walk away. It's Cheat Day, so drive it is. Good thing it's not Everyday Sunday...cause then I couldn't eat there, amirite? This place is another HUGE win. If I hadn't already given away my point and pump I'd be...AH the hell with it! TWO POINT AND PUMPS IN ONE WEEK! Yessir!

I stroll up to Everyday Sundae ready for a treat. The extremely friendly and chill owner of the shop sits on a bench just inside the store reading a book. He greets me graciously and generously begins to offer any assistance I may need. He allows me to taste whatever I like. Ultimately I choose hazelnut and fudge as the base and astonishing cappuccino as the topper to my two scoop waffle cone. As my new favorite ice cream monger, Charles, prepares my treat his son rushes into the shop. Charles pauses and hugs his son lovingly. It's very sweet. Almost as sweet as this ice cream I'm about to inhale. His son then puts on an apron and gets to work helping out his old man. MY GOD, have ya ever seen anything like it? Not in this gaul dern day and age I'll tell ya! It melted my heart... but not my ice cream. 

I eat the amazing two scooper on the patio of the adjacent cidery, Anxo. It's a cool spot, but the cider is mediocre. Especially next to the flavor of the ice cream. It was fine for a little extra Cheat Day booze, but I wouldn't write home to mama over it.

Blissfully bloated a moment arrives where I'm not forcing food in my fat face, mostly because I'm driving around town. Pretty soon I randomly find myself in a Georgetown alumni football "tailgate" event on the lawn next to their sub par football stadium. Had I known I'd end up here I might not have spent all my money on the very delicious Honeymoon and Everyday Sundae. Ya see, this tailgate was simply an all you can eat barbecue buffet with free beer and wine. I tossed a jalapeño corn muffin or two into my yap trap and chased em down with an ice cold Stella Artois then I stuffed a cookie or two down there as well and chased THAT with a Bud Light from the ice bucket. 

I had places to go and people to meet, so we couldn't stay long. The fastest gun eat of the Mississippi was on his way up to pack in some pizza with me...and catch a show at The Black Cat in DC. You see, the fastest gun east of the Mississippi and I used to be punkers. Now we're just fat old me who like to eat and sit. The fastest gun east of the Mississippi met me at home base where I offered him a Carlsberg or two, I of course joined him after I drank another liquored up coffee drink. Ya know, to keep my momentum going. 

           

For dinner we had our sites set on local DC Pizza joint 2 Amys. You may recall that the fastest gun east of the Mississippi is my number 1 pizza fuqboi. Dude FUQs with ZA Brah! Neapolitan is the style he makes too and that's what 2 Amys slings. We get there and we order a bunch of appetizers that would do Cheat Day proud like fired rice balls, lamb skewers and a crazy pork pate that comes with pickled veggies and delicious bread. We got some drinks to start as well, of course. I stayed the course with a delightful pilsner. Sally Small Stomach snagged a delicious Rosè. The fastest gun east of the Mississippi ordered the Two Amy's take on the Negroni. 

With everyone satisfied it was time for pizza. Not unlike Pizzeria Bianco in Phoenix the Two Amys in DC specialize in burnt blistered Neapolitan pizzas. We ordered one of the pizzas of the day: 2amys sausage, fingerling potatoes and carmen peppers as well as the Pazzuolli (2 amys sausage, hotties, grilled peppers, parsley and fontina). Pazzuolli took it, but both were absolutely BREATHTAKING. 

SHOWTIME! The Black Cat was maybe 20/25% full this night which gave the bar easy access, SCORE! I knocked back two or three beers while we watched two of the three bands on the bill before leaving early to hit up Ben's Chili Bowl for a Cheat Day night cap. Ben's Chili Bowl, a DC staple. Every town should have one. Of course, in Chicago's case...1,000.

I was drunk and already mostly full so I wasn't playing no games in there. I marched right up to the counter and ordered quickly: 1 chili cheese dog and some chili cheese fries and banana pudding please! It comes quick. These guys are pros. Somehow, even though I am full and drunk to the point of discomfort it hits the spot. Salty, greasy, cheesy, fried goodness! I'd eat it right now....if it were Cheat Day. 

The fastest gun east of the Mississippi and I spend the rest of the night drinking Carlsbergs and Weihenstephaners, alcoholic kombucha and Bending Time by Dogfish Head. We drink and carry on talking about music and life, the way things used to be and how the world is going to hell in a hand basket. Just like a couple of fat old men who used to be punkers and who want nothing more but to sit and eat.  

MEASUREMENTS!

NIPS: 47in (DOWN 3/8ths of an inch from last week!)
BellyButton: 44 1/8 (...up 1/4 of an inch...🙄)
HIPS: 42 1/8 (Up 1/8 of an inch...🍑)

Take care of yourselves! Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

Cheat Day is BACK B!$@&ES!

WHAT UP Cheaters?! Yes, it HAS been a while, you're right. Damn near 4 fucking years as a matter of fact. It's like I packed up my diet blog and went to fat college. And I got so fat that I decided I finally needed to hop back on this diet train to trim town. What's the diet you ask?! HOLD THE FUCK ON I'M GETTING TO IT! It's the official diet from the book "The 4-Hour Body" by Timothy Ferriss. Did I read the book?! No, ASSHOLE, I don't read I'm an AMERICAN. My girlfriend broke the rules down for me and I am going to mimic what I did last time to a T until I am as skinny as this again:

Look How pretty that is! (Oomphotography)

The rules, for those fatties out there that want to try this with me:

1. No Carbs (DUH, dicks) Sun - Fri

Not Entirely Disgusting!

2. Certain Carbs (known as complex carbs) Allowed Sun - Fri:
    a. Beans
    b. Legumes
    c. Quinoa
    d. Avocado
    e. Tomato
    f. Those are about the only ones I'm willing to ingest but I am sure there are more just fucking GOOGLE IT, it's simple.
3. CHEAT DAY SATURDAY: EAT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING!

The Rock URGES You To Cheat

Pretty simple right? Wrong! I bet you're thinking of asking me right now, well Zach, you're a borderline alcoholic, are you not gonna drink BEER Monday through Friday either? No, shit head, I'm not! First of all I'm taking February off from drinking entirely so it's gonna be easy. Second of all AFTER February, should I resume drinking, I will substitute beer for Vodka/Sodas and Red Wine as I progress toward my goal of becoming a 50 year + catty woman who likes the idea of a slow suicide. Another way that this is not simple is that it is hard as shit to not eat cheese, chocolate, bread, crackers, fruit, or dairy of any kind now that I think about it! Alright?! So it isn't easy for an addict like me. If it is, YOU do it with me fuckwad!

I started this blog last time as a sort of accountability measure, to make sure I followed through and to have some fun while I was at it. And I did have some fun and I got some good feedback. So, for those who read it originally, thank you! For those who are reading it now, strap in you cheatin' BASTARDS cause you're in for a bumpy ride!

Fat and Sad
(Oh Happy Day)

I suppose I should start by setting a goal right? Ya don't just get on a diet to kind of wade through hoping to just get skinnier without keeping notes or aiming at targets. SO, my weigh in this Saturday, the first official cheat day, came out to a whopping 262.4! I know, disgusting! Some of you are prolly all, "no WAY, that's MASSIVE! You don't seem THAT big." Well thanks for the backhanded compliment pricks! I know it's massive and I don't think I look THAT big either. But, ya know, I'm pretty strong now, so I think there's lots of muscle under this fat jacket. My goal is to weigh 200 LBS (a nice round number)! So I need to lose 62.4 pounds. By when? hmmmm....let's say Summer? So...August? And here's how I'm going to do it:

Cheat Day 1 (2/10/2018): To start the morning I woke up and did my first weigh in, which was highly disappointing. So to make myself feel better I reached into my bedside drawer and cracked open one of two bags of Skittles I had purchased for myself for the occasion the day before. Skittles is among my favorite non-chocolate candy. I particularly enjoy them in a movie theatre with a soda. I love the numb feeling my mouth takes after finishing a bag of skittles and a large soda like I just coated every corner with an eighth of cocaine. Next I moved to the kitchen and pulled out a block of cheese, one that I also procured for myself earlier in the week for the occasion.

Cheat Day Essentials

Ferb Will Be Playing Quite A Role From Now On

Liz, though she is not attempting to follow the diet this time around fully intends to partake in some of my Cheat Day adventures. And you know what, Cheat Day don't mind. Cheat Day don't mind at all. Cheese is one of the adventures Liz underwent with me this Cheat Day eating off the block like an adorable little mouse, sharing with Ferb the cat as well, little fat tub a shit doesn't need no cheat day, but the hell with it. It's a CELEBRATION. I then made myself a cheese-filled omelet. Once the eggs were thoroughly cheesed I polished off what was left of the block. (pats tummy delicately)

This may be a disappointing post for the "Cheat Day. Don't Care" fans out there because I did not prepare like I should have as I did not complete a full week of the Slow Card diet. I began the diet on Tuesday (2/6/18). So for the rest of the day all I ate was a bit more candy that Liz brought home for me from her audition. Peanut M&Ms, Sour Patch Watermelons, and more Skittles. Candy's delicious, especially on Cheat Day.

The rest of the day didn't have much cheating, and here's why. It was the evening of one of the most GLORIOUS events of the year, Candice Conner and Oomphotography's Chili Cook-Off! Now, what's awesome about chili is that it can be both VERY Cheat Day friendly AND very Slow Carb Diet friendly. Just think about the ingredients in chili. Chili's got beans, tomato, peppers, chili powder/spices, and meat! That's all you fucking need! Make yourself up a crock-a-chili and eat off that shit all week and you've got yourself one SHIT-tastic Slow Card week gearing up for a cheat day. Anyway, I AM sorry if this is disappointing to those of you who wanted to hear how I went buck wild at Old Country Buffet last Saturday. Instead, I went buck wild at a Chili Cook-Off.

There's a new theme every year.

I DID eat all the chilis, yes, thanks for caring. TWICE actually. So...fuck yeah! I ate several a third time and a few 4th and 5th times (See why I am above 260lbs?). I was a chili-pig to say the least. Let me break down what was cheat day about a few of these chilis. To get it out of the why: White, cream based sauces GALORE, and delicious to boot. I'm talking sour creams, greek yogurt, and a sort of cilantro tzatziki sauce, yum-a-dum dum! There was also a delicious fancy cheese and some various sorts of chips as garnishes (mostly tortilla and plantain). Finally, what chilis had cheat day all up in dere?! Well let me start with mother fucking CHOCOLATE! "Chocolate? WHAT?! That sounds weird!" It WAS weird, and delicious! SOME chilis had potatoes and corn (not THAT exciting but still cheat-tastic). One Chili was a Cincinnati style chili with not only spaghetti, but (what I am assuming would be a perfectly acceptable Slow-Carb item) TRIPE. Tripe was a first for OL'Zach, BUT I'm alive and it was actually a very delicious chili.

Winner Winner
Chili Dinner!

The winner of the evening was Chili-Cook and artist, Twist Harrison Frei with her chili called: "F$CK Beans Green Chiili." T'was a VERY delicious dish indeed. It won by a mere .01%, a VERY close race. This chili was outstanding, though it did fall into the argument of what constitutes a chili. See this felt to some like a crock-pot filled with a delicious pork-based taco or burrito filling and less like a chili. Chili is traditionally a dish that contains tomatoes, beans, chilis, and various spices and nothing more. Simply adding meat makes it something different (i.e. Texas Chili). Now it would be a BORING cook-off if all cooks stuck to such stringent rules so obviously anything goes. It's just something to think about. How far ARE we willing to stray from chili when it comes to the cook-off competition. What IS allowed? IS chili really THAT good if an outside dish can come in and wreak havoc every year? These are the questions that need answering.

ATISR (Always Throw In a Simpsons Reference)

Chili IS a great thing. Especially in the winter and especially on this diet. So, this was a very fitting event to launch myself back into this diet with. Next week I will have a Chicago restaurant to cheat-review for all you cheaters out there and HOPEFULLY some more sickening displays of gluttony. Wish me luck as I traverse this first full week of avoiding the dangerous sugars and carbs we have all grown to be addicted to. If you have any recommendations of dishes to make or restaurants to eat at during the week for the Slow Carb diet PLEASE do not hesitate to reach out to me! I'll post all about it on the next blog. If you have any recommendations for Cheat Day dishes or restaurants you BETTER fucking tell me or I'll be kicking your ass if I find out you were keeping it from me. Alright cheaters, until next time: take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and eat like your life depended on it!

ELE
Zach Finch

Also, please check out www.zachandtony.com for more Zach created content, including a podcast and some video.

An Epic Chili-Cookoff at Oomphotography

myfrugalfitness.com

Zach: SO! This past Cheat Day was A BLAST! The lovely Liz and I spent the day in the grocery store buying chili making supplies, then Liz MADE chili while I made pretzel bun cold cut sandwiches (which were dope). THEN the chili was entered into one of the most fun events I have been to in a while, Candice Conner's (of Oomphotography) 6th Annual Chili Cookoff!

My SEXY ass: Photo by: oomphotography.com

The Lovely Liz: oomphotography.com

                      The Conners opened up their home to 11 Chili Cooks and somewhere around 50 guests! Needless to reiterate, but I am not a fast learner, it was EPIC and delicious! And I know what you're thinking…"but Zach can't you eat Chili on NON Cheat Days?" YES, most chili's. But you may be forgetting all the cheese, sour cream, corn bread, "Italys" (Whatever those are..LOGAN), sweet potato muffins! AND BEER! Yes, of course there was beer, and I drank all the beer (like Homer, "but I need IT!"). I drank so much beer that I forgot I signed up for a beer drinking competition…that will happen St. Patty's Day weekend. So look forward to that.

Liz's chili fuckin' ROCKED. She was also the one to make corn bread…fucking AWESOME corn bread. But first the chili. Liz's chili was called, and the title will say it all, Chidester's Champion Chicken and Chorizo Chili with Chive and Cheddar Cheese. WHAT?! Your a little hard aren't you? It's okay…you can admit it, we're all friends here! You ladies have a little lady chub going too don't you?..I KNOW! That chili sounds awesome and it WAS awesome and it didn't even WIN this competition, so you can imagine how good some of the other chilies had to be.

Liz's corn bread was paired with her chili perfectly. Instead of milk she used beer in the corn bread, and she chopped up bacon and jalapenos to bake into the center of the corn bread as well. She topped the whole bunt with shredded cheddar. I could have eaten the whole loaf of bread by itself as a meal!

THE VICTOR Jacquelyn Prater: oomphotography.com

I don't know the ins and outs about the other chilies so I won't be able to go into what ingredients went into each, BUT, The winner was a chili titled Savory Sioux by Jackie Prater, and I will say that it was delicious. It was also paired perfectly with a side dish: sweet potato biscuits and honey butter. It was indeed savory, and then sweet, and then zesty! It was all in all a terrific chili and was basically the buzz of the event.

2nd Place: Mike Sater: oomphotography.com

3rd Place (1): Logan Conner: oomphotography.com

Second place went to my friend Mike Sater, I forget the title but he paired his with this avocado relish thing and some sort of cheese spread and it was delicious, unique and delicious. At 3rd place there was a tie. Logan Conner, the gentleman of the house, and a lovely woman named Dom each came in at 3rd. Logan's Chili was probably my 2nd favorite, after Liz's (I have a soft spot for chorizo…and Liz). I was told several times by contestant Brad Brubaker that it, "tasted like Slim Jims…in a good way." And I LOVE Slim Jims. Twas a beefy chili, Logan's. Beefy and spicy and I loved every minute of it. I even went back for seconds, even after I was stuffed so full of beans, meat, onion, corn, bread, cheese, sour cream, and of course…beer.

3rd Place (a): Dom: oomphotography.com

It was a fabulous night all around. I was so full I thought I was gonna die! Congrats to each contestant, specifically the winner Jackie. Congrats to all 50 judges (attendees) for being smart enough to attend such an event. But, most of all, congrats to Candice Conner for organizing it. A great time was had by all. I am already looking forward to next year's cookoff. I'd be honored to be the happy helper once more. I would hate to have to use the OTHER immortal words of Homer Simpson, "We're missing the cook-off, it's going on right now and we're missing it…"

hwdyk.com

CHILI CHEESE BURRITO IS BACK!

Zach: Good not CheatDay, Cheaters! I hope you are all getting a long just fine on this non-cheat day as I am. So, it seems as though I was lazy last week and I have two awesome Chicago CheatDays to cover. But first! IN OTHER NEWS!:

How bout that shitty Super Bowl huh? It reminded me of the Super bores from the days of yores!

Also, poor poor P.S.H. He seemed like a man who lived every day like it were CheatDay. Fantastic actor and I am certain that I will look at some movie parts, excluding the void he'll leave in that WAY too popular Hunger Games series, and think to myself, "Boy Phillip Seymour Hoffman would have KILLED that part." RIP you talented M-Fer.

Now on to the cheating! Two Saturdays ago, long before this horrible Super Bowl or the giant empty characterish slot P.S.H. left in the acting world , the lovely Liz and I went to Spacca Napoli Pizzeria for a lovely CheatDay luncheon. Spacca Napoli is a Naples, ITL style pizza joint. Now, if you didn't know (which I did NOT before last Saturday) Naples style pizza is thin crust and small, almost personal style. Ladies or small men you may want to share a single pizza unless you've got a big me sized man with you to pick up the slack.

chicago.seariouseats.com

Because it was god damned CheatDay we EACH got a pizza and we split them down the middle. We ordered the Diavola topped with Buffalo mozzarella, spicy salami, red pepper flakes, and basil. I highly recommend this Diavola if you go in. It was tangy but not too tangy and saucy and just so damned flavorful. I would use more adjectives like on the food network but just try it alright! c'mahn whaddya want from me! It was good that's all you need to know.

We also ordered the Prosciutto e Rucola. This was a decent olive oil sauced pizza that was made glorious by the thin savory, melt-in-your mouth cuts of prosciutto that is was topped with. It also had arugula on it…A LOT of arugula on it. I happen to like arugula, but if you don't, don't order this one. We each had a couple Peroni to…ya know…fit in I guess? Peroni, I think may be the only beer that tastes better to me in a bottle as opposed to on tap. (fun fact)

spaccanapolipizzeria.com

All in all Spacca Napoli was a great time. It was a bit pricey but it is perfect for a date or if you have a family it would be a bit more affordable. Just share your, perhaps a bit to big for one person, pizza with your little children and tell them to SHUT THEIR UGLY FACES while you're at it. OH, and go see Inside Llewyn Davis, great movie great soundtrack.

Three days ago the Kansas Jayhawks got dicks kicked in Austin, Texas by the Longhorns and I got Taco Bell. NEWSFLASH T-B FANS! The Chili-Cheese Burrito is back! I repeat! THE CHILI-CHEESE BURRITO IS BACK! If you are reading this, get off your ass NOW and go get one so they stick around this time…for FUCK sake. I have a long drawn out history with the chili-cheese burrito, affectionately known as the chilito to midwesterners.

The chilito was my favorite food in the world as a little fat kid. "Where do you want to go for your birthday dinner?" my mom would ask year in and year out from the age of 10 until about age 18. "Taco Bell!" fat little Zach would exclaim while he stuffed another homemade nacho into his dumb mouth. Then suddenly the chilito was gone from the local Taco Bell menu where I grew up in Stafford, VA. I was outraged! I drafted a letter demanding them to bring the chilito back to the Virginia Taco Bell. I never sent it...

Then, later that year, my friends went off to Virginia Tech. Much to my surprise, and delight, the Blacksburg, VA Taco Bell menu you featured my old friend, the CHILITO! Even though it wasn't something I could have all the time, as Blackburg, VA is approximately a 4 hour drive from ANYWHERE on the fucking PLANET, it was still a welcomed moderate dose of what is certainly Taco Bell's grade D meat about to spoil so they used for another purpose, the CHILITO!

IN ALL IT'S SIMPLE GLORY (Pintrest.com)

Finally, before my friends graduated from Virginia Tech it was stricken from that Taco Bell menu as well. I was devastated. It seemed as though I'd never get another chilito as long as I lived. But wait! Once more! On a visit to the midwest, specifically Indiana, even MORE specifically Indianapolis, my uncle Dan informed me that the "chilito" was NEVER taken off of the midwestern Taco Bell menus and that we could go and get one RIGHT NOW if we wanted too, which we did. (Side note, the fact that it was never taken from the midwestern menu is a bit telling idn't?!)

Jump ahead a couple years. I move to Chicago. I visit my Indianan relatives. I DEMAND they take me to a Taco Bell to find a Chilito…it's nowhere to be found, gone from their menus as well…once again I am of the thought that I will never see the cherished chilito again…until 2 weeks ago…when a good friend from high school and a Virginia Tech alum texted me and informed me that the Chili Cheese was back. I told him I would go in and make sure they were in the Chicago locations myself and report back to him. Sure enough…he was right!



I know they are back in New York and Chicago, now it is up to you to tell me America..and WORLD! Is the Chili-cheese burrito back in action in your home town. Go to Taco Bell, your next cheat day to find out why the Chilito was and IS my favorite food of all time. And then be sure to ask yourself…why was this ever taken off of the menu to start with?!