Heavens to Betsy Cheat fans! Another one is in the books. It’s Cheat Day and I’m still LOSING THE POUNDS/Inches! Ya know, it’s weeks like this that really remind you why you’re still doing it. Weaving in and out of the farce of life is meaningless without challenges. And, since humankind has wiped away the majority of the world’s natural challenges (except of course hurricanes, those pesky bastards) might as well make up a nice challenge for yourself, eh?
This Cheat Day I awake in North Port, FL. The comfy bed in guest room numero dos of Chris and Ellen Finch’s lavish estate is lulling me into a false sense of laziness. I shake myself out of it as I was able to abstain from the devil carb even through travels of air and auto and now I NEED to get me to some cheat food and this instant!
I groggily move my firm and showy bottom into the kitchen where a delicious looking cherry coffee cake is calling me, like a lover not yet satisfied. I slice myself a healthy portion before I even get my coffee ready. It’s moist, it’s sweet, it’s from Publix. It hits the gosh darn spot. I wash it down with my coffee right before I move on to the other Publix staple. FRIED FRIGGIN CHICKEN! That’s right! Fried chicken for breakfast and in reverse gosh darn order from a dinner: dessert first, main course second.
If you aren’t familiar with Publix, they’ve get a lot of good shit going on. Fried chicken is the highlight, but they also do a MEAN sandwich that they call a pub sub. If you are in the southeastern United States for any length of time…cheat yoself.
It’s always a party at Chris and Ellen Finch’s so before too long some extended family show up to enjoy some Cheat Day of their own. My brother and I start knocking back White Claws from the no.2 variety pack like we’re on a boat in the middle of May. This is mom and dad’s house mind you so I get to shoving Reeses’ candies and peanut M&M and slices of cheese into my mouth during the cheat chug of white claws. Oh yeah, and fresh figs are the fruit of the week.
The conversation amongst the extended fam is fabulous as I get Cheat Day-drunk. A game of darts unfolds while we men-folk taunt each other and the women folk get to putting together some pasta bolognese as the Cheat Day main course. There’s something very nice about a simple house made gravy and a couple of boxes of pasta with some Texas toast on the side. It’s delicious,,,especially when you’re Cheat Day-drunk.
I eat about two and half helpings of pasta, sauce and Texas toast and YES! I even have a salad. Which was AMAZING because I got to have some creamy ass Caesar ass dressing and I of course top that shit with facon-bits and Parmesan cheese! A Cheat Day salad! So refreshing.
Conversation continues a while. Reminiscing mixes with fresh/hot gossip whittles away the afternoon. I get a tad drunker and eventually the extended family moseys back to their respective home. It was then that it hit me, here I am, drunk off my ass and I haven’t even created a cocktail of the week. An errand would need to be run!
The ABC stores in Florida are tight. They got tons of crap including booze, beers, wine, mixers, snacks, cigars and HOOKERS if you end up at the wrong one. This being Florida I decided the cocktail of the week should be a Rum Runner so I got myself some rum, some fruity liquors and some fruity juices to mix.
After throwing them all together in a pitcher and mixing them up I discovered that Rum Runners are the easiest and most dangerous cocktail to make. My god was it sweet and delicious and MY GOD was it boozy. Ask me for my recipe and I’ll make one up for you.
The evening shifted swiftly into night and there was dessert still left to be done. My aunt brought over home made brownies, but those were quickly demolished after spaghetti linner. A Sno-Cone truck opened up right down the street from Chris and Ellen Finch’s house and a lot of you may not know this, but I FUCKING LOVE Sno-Cones, aka Hawaiian Shave Ice.
Growing up I’d go to the 2nd most popular beach in the state of Delaware for a week or two during the summer, every summer, and there’d be a shave ice stand right on the board walk. I’d have my chore money with me and I’d blow it all at the shave ice stand. When I ran out of chore money my mom and aunts and uncles and grandma would take pity on me and buy me my daily shave ice. Some days I’d make off with TWO Shave Ice in one day. I love them. So, when they’re available I go get one. That is what I do next, does Cheat Day Care? You already know the answer to that.
I got a big ass shave ice PACKED with sugar water. The flavors? Tiger’s Blood, Watermelon and Orange. I topped this bad boy with a sweet cream drizzle. I’ll say this, it scratched the shave ice itch. But, I’ll also say this, it DOES NOT get my point and pump of the week. The oddly sexy couple running the shave ice stand get my point and pump of the week for filling my utmost childhood fantasies. This man and woman had no business being this hot hanging out in a shave ice trailer in an Advanced Auto Parts parking lot in North Port, FL. They just simply did not.
Now, I know there hasn’t been TOO MUCH food consumed this here Cheat Day, But it has been a good, down home, middle class cheat day food fest! PLUS! You know what I do next? Just so I don’t let you down I combine left overs and make myself a red neck chicken parmesan, YES I DO ya’ll Som betches! I grab a few more pieces of that Publix fried chicken, smother it in the pasta sauce from earlier, heat that bad boy up and cover it in mozzarella and parmesan cheese! I take it to task like a drunken Florida MANiac!
After all that I am ready to have it out with my brother all the rest of the night. He and I oiled ourselves up and wrestled, both mentally and physically, until about 2 in the got dang morn like good brothers should crushing white claws all the while. It may not be the most impressive, but I love this Cheat Day. There’s something to be said for it. Call yer mothers.
The “Weigh In”
Nips: 46.1875
Hips: 42.125
Belly: 43.5625
DTP: A HONKIN’ 147 mm
Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.
ELE,
Zach
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