Happy ThanksCheating Everyone

Gobble gobble gobble, bustin' azz CHEATERS! Did you have a terrific turkey day? Are you absolutely sick of frickin' talkin' about it?! ARE YOU TOTALLY OVER THE HAULIDAZE ALREADY?! Well ME TOO! But you HAVE to participate! Otherwise, it's TWICE as depressing! There's plenty of time to get depressed in January, February and March. April and part of May if you're in Chicago. 

There is one thing the holidays are good for though, isn't there? That's right...CHEATIN'. Now, to pull back the curtain for you, Cheat Day is actually every Saturday. I release this blog whenever I damn well feel like it. THANKSGIVING fell on a Thursday this year so I had to give it the ol'switcheroo. 

Here I am, Cheatin' again just 5 days after my last cheat fest. A WHOLE TWO DAYS EARLY! Have I died and gone to heaven?! This lasagna for breakfast points to YES!

This lasagna was ordered by mia madre from Demetrios Pizza and Grill by the Sarasota airport the night before. The night before Thanksgiving not being Cheat Day and all, I had to order something they called the Aphrodite bowl, which was a bowl of quinoa with roasted red peppers, tomato, cucumber, beats, gyro meat and tzatziki sauce. Not bad TBH, but it did not compare to this lasagna. Pasta for breakfast?! I'm thankful for THAT!

 

I got up to my aunt's place in the early afternoon and got right down to snackalackin'. Pretzels, pimento pub cheese, dill dip, french onion dip, crackers, SUGAR COATED CRANBERRIES! GOBBLE.GOBBLE.

We played a gin rummy variation called 5 crowns which included an extra suit, the suit of STARS. It was fun. I crushed beers (Coors Light and Mich Ultra) and Jameson Cold Brew after I popped a pot gummy. Ask me if I won the game. Go ahead, ask me! 

*sigh* "FartPinch, did you win the ga-"

NO! You IDIOTS I was TOASTED. I didn't win. I nearly LOST! Shortly after my brutal and embarrassing defeat however, was YOUR Point AND Pump OF THE CHEAT DAY!!!! *trumpet noise* "BUM BUH-BUH-BUM!" The THANKSGIVING FEAST. 

The point of contention surrounding Thanksgiving in particular is that no one likes turkey. There's a right way to do turkey (infrared heating egg after it had been injected with cajun season butter juice). At this feast it was not done entirely the right way, however it WAS good and I happen to be one of the few who likes turkey...at least as a vessel for gravy...because I LOVE gravy. Long story short, here are the dishes at FartPinch's Thanksgiving feast ranked worst to best:

7. Turkey - Just because it ranks worst, doesn't mean I don't like it. 

6. Cranberry Sauce - This is the best cranberry sauce I've ever had...and it's still this far back, so take that for what it's worth.

5. Mashed Potatoes - Standard, a beloved standard.

4. Warm Rolls - Great for dippin' into ANYTHING

3. Green Bean Casserole - I've really come around on this weird T-givs staple in recent years.

2. Gravy - "You doctors have been telling us to drink 8 glasses of gravy a day."

1. Stuffing - Not just any stuffing - "Corn bread and hot sausage stuffing" MOTHER OF GOD

OBVIOUSLY there's dessert. There was pumpkin pie... WHY?! I skipped that and went straight for the deliciously moist and glazed chocolate bunt cake. It was bomb as hell and a great way to cap off an actually outstanding ThanksCheating meal. Especially since I share most people's sentiment. The Thanksgiving meal in general is nothing to write home about and so often easily FUDGED ALL TO HECK. 

I jump into my aunts chilly pool during and oddly chilled Florida evening to shock my system back into go time. When it was all said and done, me and my crew limped home singing Christmas carols the whole GOSH DARN WAY. Tis the season now. Strap in. For on January 2nd it will be nothing but cold and darkness!

No measurement this week, it wouldn't be fair to my ever fluctuating body. Take care of yourselves. Taken care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

Record Store (CHEAT) Day

Good Afternoon my cheating friends, family, and random other reader swho are here to get gluttonous! My weight is in a dead heat with my efforts! I remain at 259.9 lbs. A TUB! A FAT LARD AM I!!! A POX on this old age I suddenly find myself in. A man roaring toward middle age with the look of a man who is far beyond such! It is a fate I battle with every now and then as I am sure many of my readers do...(the AGE thing more than the WEIGHT thing) but whatever, we're all not 100% on SOMETHING about ourselves!

"SHUT UP YOU SAD SACK AND TELL US ALL THAT YOU ATE!"

Hey, HEY! FUCK YOU! But okay! It was a fine Cheat Day. A Cheat Day of bouncing around from bad local spot to bad local spot. Again I awoke ill equipped for Cheat Day in my apartment. All I had in the house that was cheat worthy was about a half a bag of pretzels. So I cracked those open and I started dipping them into the hummus in the house. A fine snack to start the day TBH. Shortly after that Liz and I took off to meet with the rest of the Lovelies for a pre-Record Store Day practice.

Upon arriving to fellow Lovelies', Al and Mike's, apartment we were met with omelets. "OMELETS?! That ain't no CHEAT FOOD Mawfker!" OKAY OKAY, take it easy! You're right. But there was some dank ass mawfuggin' ' chee ALL up in that omelet sooooo...THAT COUNTS! Also, let me describe the rest of this thing for you: jalapeño stuffed olives, capers, and salmon! COME GET SOME! That MFer is almost non-cheat day worthy if it weren't for the cheese. BUT THAT'S WHY I ASKED FOR EXTRA CHEESE! AND it was delicious!

When we got to the venue, RPM Music on Irving Park, I grabbed a chocolate covered donut from the snack table. ALWAYS a good Cheat Day idea. I then walked to CVS for a few items and picked myself up a 32 ounce Corona to drink while we played. You KNOW you gotta have some beer on Cheat Day. I then stopped by what I had HOPED would be my review for the week but it ain't happening in full and here's why. STEINGOLD'S JEWISH DELI. I popped in to try and grab me a bagel and maybe even a Ruben, who knows? CHEAT DAY. But the line was long and we were about to go on so I turn my gaze from the overhead menu to the hot box on the counter. EUREKA! A quick to-go bite. I ask for one and the cashier says, "I'll give you that for free if that's what you want, it's been sitting in there a long time."

To which I reply with a blush and a titter, "REALLY?! You'd do that for me?! hehe!"

"Uuuh, Yeah, why not" He replies.

"Great THANKS! I've gotta run! I'm playing that record store across the street, I'll be back for a Reuben later BIG BOY!" But when we were done playing at like 3:15 the mother fucker was CLOSED! On a fucking SATURDAY. CHEAT DAY?!!! The fuq?! That's okay, I ate the bagel breakfast sandwich and the cashier was right to give it to me, it was sub par at best so I will not make my local review Steingold's this week.

Chorizo Tacos and Delicious Salsas

After dropping our gear off at home I headed back down to the record store area to try and catch my friends' band play, but I missed them. Instead I went to an old favorite, Fast Super Burrito! I have spoken of this place in the past. I used to live directly across from them. BUT, because I have not eaten there since my triumphant return to cheat day I will regale you with a tale of Fast Super Burrito here and now.

I bust in the door, ready to eat! The place is more dead than Barbara Bush (too soon? RIP) and the two working the joint recognize me immediately despite the fact I am essentially "Guy Incognito" with my handlebar mustache, slicked back hair, aviators and denim jacket. They say, "It's been a while, how have you been?"

And I say, "I'm alright. I'd be a lot better with 2 chicken quesadillas and 2 chorizo tacos in front of my face."

"You got it weirdo"

"Thanks! How've you guys been?"

"Not bad, we have Taco Tuesday and Taco Thursday now"

"Taco Tuesday AND Thursday?!" I scoff! I scoff because if you are desperate enough to have two taco days each week "Not bad" is a bold faced lie to the question "How've you been?" With that being said, do yourselves a favor and hit up Fast Super Burrito on Irving Park for some $1 tacos on Tuesday and Thursday. It is Fast. It IS Super. It's Burrito...or in this case taco.

Then I wanted more beer. But my buddy James Manny had another idea. PIZZA. "What did I do?" you ask. Well, I'll tell you what I didn't do, how about that. I DIDN'T say. "Nah, man I can't have pizza right now I just ate Fast Super Burrito." So to Tortorice's we went. A place I have only had delivered before and I have always liked alright. Upon entering the take out restaurant James has one very plain and simple question for the guy. "Can you cut this pizza into SLICES rather than squares?"

And the kid behind the counter say, "Sure, if you want."

"We do want." Says James who then orders a small pepperoni to split with me. We get the mother fuck and what do you know? SQUARES! Pieces of shit! James throws a fit all over the dumbass working the register while I eat more than my fair share of the pizza. Gotta LOVE IT! James is right though, slices are superior than squares. It allows for each piece of pizza the ability to run the gamut of pizza pie consistency: from soggy and droopy to first and dry, making each bite of the slice a new adventure!

Finally we get to Laschet's where we eventually end the night. You know it, you love it: Laschett's! It was packed but I finally got me a liter of Stiegl Gold and was loving every second of it from then on out. When we finally got a table I ordered a GIANT pretzel all to myself. Their German food is the best I've had by far and I highly recommend getting there to eat some time and not just drown yourself in liters of Stiegl, LIKE ME!

I feel like I'm back on track. I feel better again. I feel healthier and slimmer, regardless of what the scale tells me. I just can't allow myself to slip up during the week. I discovered that most lunch meat contains sugar, which was a major reality check to me, but fuck it! I'll find something else to eat during the week! Thank you everyone for having fun with me on Cheat Days and Non. Let's fucking do this! Take care of each other. Take care of yourselves. And eat like your life depended on it!

ELE,
Zach