Universal Yums, Dry January, The Godfather and Costco Lasagna

Welcome BACK Cheat Fans to yet another edition of Cheat Day. Don't Care. It is the last Cheat Day of Dry January and I must say I have truly enjoyed my sobriety. Maybe not enough to make it a full time thing, but maybe to make it a MORE time thing. That's for sure. Boy this month seemed to go on and on forever, and I have not drinkin' to thank for that! So, if I want my life to just go on and on forever why then maybe I'll just have to stop drinkin' all together. We'll see!...Yeah...we'll see.

"Woah, hey, you alright there FartPinch?!"

Yeah, I'm good, ya know it! I could use a drink though I'll tell ya that! NOW! Time to get to the nitty gritty of this binge-worthy Cheat Day! NOMNOMNOMNOM!

I woke up to a somewhat new treat/surprise for me! A UNIVERSAL YUMS box! Universal Yums, for the uninitiated is a monthly subscription by which some internet nerds assemble a box of delicious snacks all from a particular country. This month's yums came from Austria! I quite liked Austria's snacks and I am even more encouraged to visit there as my favorite beer of all time hails from there as well. 

Here are the Austrian snacks from Universal yums RANKED, by this rank ass old fool:

1. Auer - A crispy wafer crunch exterior with a DELICIOUS chocolatey interior. Crunch, chocolate, smooth, delicious.

2. Filinchen - Paprika Flavored pea snack. Crispy and zesty! Plus it can be eaten on not Cheat Day!

3. Bobby - A chocolatey caramel bar. Basically a better Milky Way.

4. Waffelz - Cheesecake flavored wafers. I hate cheesecake I LOVE wafers. These tasted nothing like cheesecake. Sweet and crispy.

5. Big Banana - Banana filling covered with chocolate candy. I had high hopes for this one and it let me down big time. I'd still eat it if I were hankerin.'

Once I tried all the treats it was breakfast time. I smashed another cheesey roll from Fresh Market into my fat face, gobbled up a mini baklava from the wrapper, pounded a left over piece of cake and downed some not very great German fruit cake before it was time to hit up the farmer's market. 

The farmer's market was ol'FartPinch's kinda Farmer's Market this Cheat Day. Not only was a guy there making Breakfast Burritos, but there was this Turkish stand there selling these crazy ass things called sucuklu pide, which I roughly translate to a pizza boat. 

First things first though. The Breakfast burrito was baller. Dank AF, get my drift. I'd be happy to toss down a Hamilton for this fresh and flavorful take on my all time favorite food. I had the El Salvi, which contained egg, spicy chorizo, avocado, queso fresco and refried beans. It's a CLASSIC Mexican breakfast burrito and the ingredients were choice. HOWEVER, the thing was tiny. It was smaller than one of them little whack McDonalds Breakfast Burritos and it cost $10. If you're on a budget and you're HUNGRY. Don't fall for it. If you're flush and you want something tasty: visit them fine folks at Tito's Breakfast Burritos. 

After a fair bit of chorin' it was time for the Pizza Boat! I only tasted this bad boy, but I promise you I coulda eaten about 10 of them thangs! NAW'M sayin'?! Also, talk about wanting to visit places, Turkish food is quickly climbing the ranks into my...I'm gonna say it...top FIVE food nationalities. The bread was crispy on the outside, soft on the inside, the cheesy was melty and gooey and the sausage was indeed spicy! MMM, delish!

To wash it down, and to give a nod to my non-alcoholic bevy of the week, I had some Watermelon-Strawberry juice from Whole Foods. It's very sweet, very good. It is best served with lime seltzer.

Between lunch and dinner I got some more chorin' done and knocked out a weight lifting day so I got even more hungry. Before dinner I had to have myself a snack. So, I tackled this leftover potato salad from some work party earlier in the week. It's herb potato salad and it was heavy on dill. In fact, there was even pickle bits IN the potato salad. I don't want any other cold salad any more if in doesn't have dill in it! I also ate some sweet hawaiian rolls and I spread some marmalade on it. Because WHY?! I'm Paddington that's why!

 

Cheat Day's MAIN EVENT was a screening the the Francis Ford Coppola classic The Godfather. The Cheat Day pairing? Costco Lasagna, little garlic bread, a zesty pasta marinara and for dessert some out of this world cannoli dip with pizzells for the dipping. 

In fact! That cannoli dip with pizzelles gets this Cheatin Machine's POINT AND PUMP OF THE WEEK! AIR HORN AIR HORN. I don't even like sweet cheese desserts but the pizzelle offset any of that. What is it?! It's ricotta, its marscapone, it's powdered sugar and it's chocolate chips and it is diabetes BABY! Eat it up with a spoon! Or a pizelle! 

The lasagna was deece, the pasta sauce was spicy and great, the cheese and crackers is a Cheat Day staple and ALWAYS welcome. The garlic bread with pasta sauce on top really steals the show.

                                               

Back at home, as a night cap, I have a sliver of the seasonal Nightingale ice cream sandwich called, Cinnamon Roll! It's awesome! It tastes just like a cinnamon roll. It might instantly be in my top 5 Nightingales. If you don't know Nightingale, get to know 'em.

Before

NOW! Down to BIZNASS! I have come to the realization that this blog has become TOO MUCH about the fun of Cheat Day. You may not realize that 6 out of 7 days a week I am incredibly strict with what I eat. Because of this discipline I hope to gain a healthier and sexier body. To keep tabs on this, as of this year, I have begun weighing myself as well as measuring my body. 

After

The weigh ins (starting 1/5/2023) have been done on 4 different scales. I will detail which scale has done which weigh-in below. Here are the results from this Cheat Day versus the last Cheat Days. 

Weigh Ins

1/5/23 - Scale 1 (Drs. Office) 242.6
1/14/23 - Scale 2 (Beach House) 241.2
1/21/23 - Scale 3 (Home Base) 234.2
1/28/24 - Scale 4 (New Scale) 240

WOW, What a wild ride already. Luckily I can find solace in my body measurements. Here are my results from this week:

NIPPLES: 45 3/4 inches (1/4 inch wider than last week)
BELLY: 41 1/2 inches (3/4 inch SLIMER than last week)
HIPS: 41 1/2 inches (3/4 inch SLIMER than last week)

It looks like my belly and my hips are NECK AND NECK...or Gut'n'Butt...or something. I hope you enjoyed this week's Cheat Day...BUSTERS! Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
FartPinch

2022 RECAP No. 1 - Top 10 Cheat Meals

WHAT UP BUSTERS! Happy Holidays! Since these holiday weeks are impossible to navigate on a diet as strict as Cheat Day, I've got to drop the CHARADE. So I'm taking the next two weeks to recap my adventures to you BUSTIN' ASS CHEATERS! (AIR HORN!!!)

Here it is final measurements for 2022! DRUM ROLL BUSTERS!

On July 22, 2022 my body measurements were as follows:

NIPS (Chest): 47 inches around
BELLY (Stomach/mid-section): 45 inches around
HIPS (BOOTY AREA): 43.5 inches around.

On December 15th, 2022 my body measurement were as follows:

NIPS: 46.25 inches (Shrinking only 3/4s of an inch...worth it? keep reading)
BELLY: 42.25 inches (Shrinking a WHOPPING 2.75 inches! WORTH IT)
HIPS: 41.5 inches (Shrinking 2 inches!)

So, that being that. I'd say it's working just fine. After the holidays I'm going to get back to it...until I look just like THIS:

Now that I've got your attention let's recap my TOP 10 Favorite Cheat Meals of 2022, SHALL WE?! Now, let me start by saying that these were very tough decisions to make. I would like to be eating all of these meals constantly and every day of the week. There are some honorable mentions and most frequented dishes at the end of the listacle.

10. Fettucine Alfredo w/fresh pasta from Vace: This was an EARLY meal that I knew I would crave right away once I started the diet. Fettucine Alfredo is just young adult mac and cheese. It's Cheat Perfect. It's pasta, it's cream, it's cheese. The fresh pasta made for a delightfully soft mid-day Cheat adventure.

 

9. Cow to Cone Ice Cream and Apple Cider Donuts with a side of Apples from Rock Hill Orchard: This was an odd one because the experience was such a wild ride but the Apple Cider Donuts hit the spot (as donuts tend to do) the ice cream was legit fresh and delicious, even on a crisp autumn day and apples are a delightful fruit and palate cleanser.

8. Bowl O' Soul from Crystal Beer Parlor in Savannah, GA: This was just a perfect Cheat Lunch at the perfect time. It's creamy grits, pimento cheese, fried onion rings and some corn bread. All that with tasty greens and tender pulled pork and that's a bonified mouth melter. 

7. Homemade Gravy with spaghetti on a fried chicken breast from Publix: This was my aunt's homemade pasta sauce with what was left of the SPAGET on top of a deliciously fried piece of Publix fried chicken and topped off with a mound of parmesan. What FAT bunghole thought up this bastardized Chicken Parm? Well you're readin' him.

6. Payne's Bay Breakfast from the Tapestry Restaurant at Treasure Beach in Barbados: I ordered this for breakfast for like 4 mornings straight. It's delicious. It's unique. It's Caribbean. I never would have ever thought I'd want FISH for breakfast in a million years, but this zesty, buttery stew sauce with the delightfully moist hush puppies, plantains and crispy fried potatoes. Take me back to Payne's Bay.

5. Carnitas Tacos and a Gypsy Quesadilla from Y Tu Mama in Veil Brewery followed by soft serve from Charm School Study Hall: Top three best quesadillas I've ever had eaten - chicken, bacon, pineapple, onion and cheese melted on the outside. Deliciously crispy carnitas in them tacos. Delicious dipping sauces. It was all capped by impeccably topped soft serve - toasted mallow and gram cracker crumbles. 

 

4. Saturday Meat Lovers Biscuit Sandwich and A Chocolate Cream Filled Donut from Early Bird Biscuits and Country Style Donuts (respectively): Hands down the best biscuit sandwich and the best donut I have ever had, in ONE MEAL?! Seems like I should revisit that again in a future Cheat Day.

3. Homemade Lasagna: Bolognese with a béchamel. This Lasagna came at the end of an already VERY Cheaty day. I was already stuffed to the gills and I served myself up two portions anyway. It was ballin' outta control.

2. Cousin Prepped Nachos at Vanish Brewing: Remember that already very Cheaty day I was talking about in No. 3? Yeah, these were eaten earlier in the day that day. They are legitimately the very best nachos I've ever had. Thank you again Scott T! Pulled pork, cheese sauce, sour cream, BBQ sauce, chives, jalapenos, crispy tortilla chips. TOPPED TO THE BRIM!

1. Cheat Day Brunch: It's JUST hard to beat a Cheat Day Brunch buffet, OKAY?! I'm talkin' mimosas of all different flavors, beers, irish coffees, fruit, french toast, napoleon pastries, and OF COURSE, the cream of the CROP: Home MADE Biscuits and Gravy! I'm not worthy!

 

Whew, what a year for meals! I promised you honorable mentions and that is what I will give you! Here are some great items that just KEPT popping up in a great and many Cheat Days: Nightingale Ice Cream Sandwiches (OF COURSE), Stiegl Goldbrau, Taco Bell, Call Your Mother's Bagels, Farmer's market waffles, Cheese and finally...something so good I had to add it to my regular diet: Fruit!

 

Tune in next week for the top 10 places to Cheat in 2022! In the mean time take care of yourselves, take care of each other and eat like you life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

Happy ThanksCheating Everyone

Gobble gobble gobble, bustin' azz CHEATERS! Did you have a terrific turkey day? Are you absolutely sick of frickin' talkin' about it?! ARE YOU TOTALLY OVER THE HAULIDAZE ALREADY?! Well ME TOO! But you HAVE to participate! Otherwise, it's TWICE as depressing! There's plenty of time to get depressed in January, February and March. April and part of May if you're in Chicago. 

There is one thing the holidays are good for though, isn't there? That's right...CHEATIN'. Now, to pull back the curtain for you, Cheat Day is actually every Saturday. I release this blog whenever I damn well feel like it. THANKSGIVING fell on a Thursday this year so I had to give it the ol'switcheroo. 

Here I am, Cheatin' again just 5 days after my last cheat fest. A WHOLE TWO DAYS EARLY! Have I died and gone to heaven?! This lasagna for breakfast points to YES!

This lasagna was ordered by mia madre from Demetrios Pizza and Grill by the Sarasota airport the night before. The night before Thanksgiving not being Cheat Day and all, I had to order something they called the Aphrodite bowl, which was a bowl of quinoa with roasted red peppers, tomato, cucumber, beats, gyro meat and tzatziki sauce. Not bad TBH, but it did not compare to this lasagna. Pasta for breakfast?! I'm thankful for THAT!

 

I got up to my aunt's place in the early afternoon and got right down to snackalackin'. Pretzels, pimento pub cheese, dill dip, french onion dip, crackers, SUGAR COATED CRANBERRIES! GOBBLE.GOBBLE.

We played a gin rummy variation called 5 crowns which included an extra suit, the suit of STARS. It was fun. I crushed beers (Coors Light and Mich Ultra) and Jameson Cold Brew after I popped a pot gummy. Ask me if I won the game. Go ahead, ask me! 

*sigh* "FartPinch, did you win the ga-"

NO! You IDIOTS I was TOASTED. I didn't win. I nearly LOST! Shortly after my brutal and embarrassing defeat however, was YOUR Point AND Pump OF THE CHEAT DAY!!!! *trumpet noise* "BUM BUH-BUH-BUM!" The THANKSGIVING FEAST. 

The point of contention surrounding Thanksgiving in particular is that no one likes turkey. There's a right way to do turkey (infrared heating egg after it had been injected with cajun season butter juice). At this feast it was not done entirely the right way, however it WAS good and I happen to be one of the few who likes turkey...at least as a vessel for gravy...because I LOVE gravy. Long story short, here are the dishes at FartPinch's Thanksgiving feast ranked worst to best:

7. Turkey - Just because it ranks worst, doesn't mean I don't like it. 

6. Cranberry Sauce - This is the best cranberry sauce I've ever had...and it's still this far back, so take that for what it's worth.

5. Mashed Potatoes - Standard, a beloved standard.

4. Warm Rolls - Great for dippin' into ANYTHING

3. Green Bean Casserole - I've really come around on this weird T-givs staple in recent years.

2. Gravy - "You doctors have been telling us to drink 8 glasses of gravy a day."

1. Stuffing - Not just any stuffing - "Corn bread and hot sausage stuffing" MOTHER OF GOD

OBVIOUSLY there's dessert. There was pumpkin pie... WHY?! I skipped that and went straight for the deliciously moist and glazed chocolate bunt cake. It was bomb as hell and a great way to cap off an actually outstanding ThanksCheating meal. Especially since I share most people's sentiment. The Thanksgiving meal in general is nothing to write home about and so often easily FUDGED ALL TO HECK. 

I jump into my aunts chilly pool during and oddly chilled Florida evening to shock my system back into go time. When it was all said and done, me and my crew limped home singing Christmas carols the whole GOSH DARN WAY. Tis the season now. Strap in. For on January 2nd it will be nothing but cold and darkness!

No measurement this week, it wouldn't be fair to my ever fluctuating body. Take care of yourselves. Taken care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach