How About Those CHEATS (Chiefs)

Happy Divisional Round of the NFL Playoffs Cheat Day Cheat and Football Fans! Also, I am into week three of Dry January so pat me on the GAUL DERN back for that would ya! Three weeks and holding strong. YES, even during Cheat Day and YES even during big football games. PAT ME ON THE BACK I SAID!

So, it now being the year of the Rabbit, I ate a bunch of bunnies. I'm KIDDING! I'm not Lennie, but I have played him on the stage! SINCE we have crossed the lunar new year into the year of the Rabbit I have become MAGICALLY more conscious of my finances. What does THIS mean? I skimped a little bit on what I bought this Cheat Day.

Lucky for me I had a ton of left overs at my house from when I last went Cheat Day grocery shopping. So after crushing my weigh in and measure off I went to Cheat Town, AKA My Kitchen! I scarfed one homemade McMuffin with Aldi brand English Muffins, a VERY expensive egg, some delicious Irish butter and a bunch of Wal-Mart shredded cheese. Thrifty. I also went ahead and ate a separate English muffin with just butter and cheese and finally a THIRD English muffin (they were going bad, had to finish 'em) with MARMALADE. I will become Paddington. 

Thoroughly stuffed past from this I decided I would just eat three or four white fudge covered Oreos instead of the rest of the box. I also demolished those crazy good fudgy marshmallowy wafer cookies called Knoppers from Aldi. I had two left and they go GOT DANG PERFECT with coffee. 

In danger of sliding into a sugar coma I quickly worked out while I watched the terrible terrible Kansas Jayhawks Men's Basketball team get destroyed by the usually terrible TCU Horned Frogs. I was trying to get all my stuff done quickly for there was an all important FOOSball game in the evening. The LORD'S team, the Kansas City Chiefs, had to smack around the JAGS of Jacksonville, Florida and I had to be ready to watch them do it with a bucket of fried chicken on which I could gorge myself.

The prime bucket of choice you ask?! By god! Why it's Lee's Famous Recipe Fried Chicken of course! There's only one location in all of Richmond and it is BANGIN'. I'm a gentleman, and I have invited several BIG eaters over for the game so I buy enough for everybody. This means, of course I'll be snacking on the deliciousness for the rest of the day. I get a 16 piece family meal that comes with 8 biscuits and 4 sides. I choose mac and cheese and mashed potatoes and gravy (OF COURSE) followed by some green beans and hot apples (which I could eat the next day if need be). 

On my way out of the restaurant I snag a couple of each of their CRAZY sauce selection. It's Cheat Day and I'ma havta try'm all! Here they are, ranked:

1. Buffalo
2. Bonzai
3. Chipotle Ranch
4. BBQ
5. Jalapeno Ranch
6. Honey Mustard

The whole meal was simply breath taking and it did last me and my boys several rounds like it was some kind of fried chicken buffet. Perfect! The Chiefs did their thing, which is TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS and after they did we went out for some ice cream, cause that's the kind of thing we used to do when we didn't drink. 

This time the ice cream of choice was Gelati Celesti where apparently a children's ho down had just let out nearby because it was slammed with little rich white kids dressed to the nines in their barnyard's finest. I asked me mates, "Why in the hell are there so many children here?"

To which they replied, "Yeah, who would have thought there'd be so many kids at an ice cream parlor on a Saturday night at 7:30PM." And right then and there I knew they were getting my goat. They were calling me out for being a rube and I didn't take too kindly to that. So, I started a real RUCKUS in Gelati Celesti. I started yanking kids' ice creams out of their hands and shoving them right in their little faces and onto their cowboy hats, down the backs of their shirts. I growled and sneered and chased them all out of my way so I could order and enjoy my iced cream in peace!

Finally one of the teens behind the case addressed me with as sir, with a snide tone, and asked what I will be enjoying this evening. I told her, "well, I don't have the where with all to choose what with these children running amock, hootin' and hollerin,' dancin' their line dances and such." So I made a split decision, and I must say it was a good'n. I said, "gimme a scoop of uuuh the uh, BANANA...yeah that's the ticket! And how about a scoop of the ummmm MUDSLIDE! That'll do! And put it in a waffle cone. OH! Cover it in jimmies!" And by jimmies of course I meant sprinkles. Don't clone my friend Jimmy, whom I brought along with me, and place him and his clones atop my iced cream.

Mudslide, to the uninitiated is coffee ice cream with chocolate chunks. So, the ice cream has a general appearance of a mudslide AND it makes damn sure you'll be having a little mudslide of your own later on. It sat deliciously and perfectly on top of the scoop of delectable banana ice cream. This ice cream is truly top notch. My compadres thoroughly enjoyed theirs as well: dark chocolate orange and peanut butter brownie.

After ice cream it was about time for all of us old dogs to hit the hay. I 'cleaned up' *wink* what was left of the Lee's Fried Chicken *wink* *wink* and passed out promptly to have some delightful dreams about reading whole books in a single day like some kind of brainiac. 

In other good news, here are my results from last week:

Weight: 234 (DOWN 7 pounds for the week, 8 since I started weigh ins)

Nips: 45.5 inches (Holding strong)
Belly: 42.25 (Down .75 inches)
Hips: 42.25 (Down .5 inches)

Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your lives depend on it.

ELE,
FartPinch

New Year New Cheat!

HAPPY NEW YEAR Cheaters! How them resolutions treating ya? You GIVE UP YET!? Not me. I'm still dieting and I'm STILL Cheating. That's right Holidays are done and I'm back to torturing myself for a fit bod and your entertainment! YES I'm fatter after the last two - three weeks, SO WHAT?! It's gonna melt right back off of me like butter in the microwave thanks to my very strict diet.

 

Is it a resolution? NO EFFIN WAY! It's a lifestyle! This Cheat Day I was left up to my own devices and I had a grrrrrEAT time doing it!

I shook myself awake and stomped into the kitchen like a hungry giant. FEE FIE FO FUM! An English Muffin? Well I might have to eat me some! I poured sugar in my coffee. I munched on a gosh darn delicious Aldi cookie wafer thing. I started slicing and eating some cheddar cheese! For the main course: I made an at home McMuffin using this little mini breakfast sandwich maker and for breakfast dessert? I covered an English muffin in Marmalade, just like Paddington. 

 

Sugar coma anyone?! 

 

After shaking myself out of that stupor I ran some Cheat Day errands, which included whipping my body into shape with a hardcore weight lift SESH #bufflikeme.

GIMME THE FOOD DOOD! Flash forward to 3pm. Linner Time. I sit down in front of the TV with one of my all time favorite dishes: A Chicken Queso Burrito with a side of Chips and BOWL of Queso Diablo from Qdoba. Qdoba > Chipotle. That's Cheat Day baby. Queso Burrito built to perfection: Flour tortilla, white rice, black beans, chicken, EXTRA queso, pico, hot sauce, CHEESE and that's it. GOT IT?! It is heavenly. Back in college I'd get two at a time, but now I'm an older, slimmer man. So instead I just ate one...AND AN ENTIRE BAG OF CHIPS AND BOWL OF QUESO!

 

Game time! Not one, but TWO of my favorite sports teams have televised sporting events and they each CRUISE through their games. It's a lot of fun. Toward the end I think to myself....What the hell else will I eat on Cheat Day before it is too late?! I guess I'll run to Wawa or something just to bring it home and wrap it up. 

                                 

While I wait for games to end I treat myself to white fudge covered Oreos and mini peppermint ice cream sandwiches...and...yes...more cheese. THEN! Just when I was fixin' to haul my stuffed and tired ass down to Wawa an angel walks through the door. The SlumLord Millionaire gets home from a pizza date with leftovers. 

Instead of Wawa I house two slices of cheese pizza and a leftover fried chicken breast from Publix. Then, it's time to polish it off with a Snickers. Hungry? Not at all. But I'll still grab a Snickers any friggin' way.

New Year New Me Busters! So, I've implemented a weigh in! New Deets below:

Weight: 242LBS
NIPS: 45.5 inches around (SMALLER than pre-holidays by .75 inches!!!)
BELLY: 43 inches around (THERE IT IS....75 inches LARGER...)
HIPS: 42.75 inches around (LARGER by 1.25 inches...now that's one FAT ASS)

Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
FartPinch

Makin' GAINS...er Losses?

Good day all you cheat fans out there! What a Cheat Day it is! My my! It feels good to make great strides, busters. And this Cheat Day I've made the greatest strides since the start of the experiment. So, DID I cheat extra hard after seeing the results of my extended diet week from hell?! YOU BET YOUR HOT POT! FFFFfffffffOLLOW me!

It's 7:30AM and I peel my eyes open. I'm crashed out on my couch from the night before. It takes some serious effort to lift myself from the comfy comfy cushions, but I know deep down this is the first time I can touch sweet carbs and fats to my slut mouth since Thanksgiving so I find the strength. I riffle through my bag to find the measuring tape and I wrap it instantly around my svelte body. SUCCESS! My daily dietary discipline is paying off. Now! Let's see how quickly I can undo things.

There's a new lil'breakfast sandwich maker in the house, so why not start there. I make my own delicious Cheat'Muffin (Ch'muffin?) with a Thomas' English Muffin, egg and cheddar cheese. While I wait for the machine to do it's work I go ahead and grill up some mini quesadillas to toss down my wide open throat.  

What do I wash it down with?! A BREAKFAST BEER, DUH! Compliments of this Beer Advent calendar from Aldi. The beer itself is so-so. A very light but almost chemically Wheat Ale. Oh well, what are you gonna do?

OFF TO ROSIE CONNOLLY'S for the WORLD CUP! Awwww SNAP! USA got BOUNCED sadly, and so am I if I stay here any longer. But, I do enjoy a delicious Irish Coffee (with Jameson AND Bailey's) to kick it into high gear, a classic Ruben sandwich with a side of fruit, a complimentary piece of lemon pound cake and a bottomless glass of Carlsberg to wash the defeat away. 

After all of that commotion (and beer) I need a minute to lay down. While I lay around for most of the rest of the day I snack on some taquitos. You see, I need to lay and veg a while if I am going to rally for the evening's main event. TONIGHT I'm going for ALL YOU CAN EAT restaurant NUMBER 2! If you're a fan, you'll recall Fogo de Chao kicked my ass and I can't let the same thing happen here at Hot Pot 757. 

Hot Pot 757 is all you can eat Hot Pot and Korean BBQ. I show up with my CREW and they tell us it's an 1hr and 45min wait. PFFFF, no sweat baby doll. We'll just go cause trouble at your bar over there where we knock back bottle after bottle of Soju frightening families with small children using violent but empty gestures and eye contact. 

I never had Soju before. It's Korean alcohol, somewhat similar to wine in alcohol content but not so much in flavor. You drink it in shots. It's also magic. Besides it getting you pleasantly drunk in minutes it allows you to TIME TRAVEL. That hour and forty five minutes felt like just fifteen minutes thanks to good Soju...and good friends. 

"AWWWW FartPINCH you old softy!"

SHUT UP! Once at the table we were in HOG HEAVEN because they plopped raw pork onto the table like they were Emeril Lagasse, BAM! If you'd never been to a Hot Pot or Korean BBQ joint it goes like this:

                                                                                                                        

1. You order your broth - I went with the Thai Tom Yum broth and it was a SO VERY nice but next time I'd for sure go for the spicy Szechuan - I'm a SPICY guy.
2. You order all the crap you want to go INTO your hot pot: shrimp, blue crab, pork belly, brisket, meatball, sausage, scallops, lobster balls, shrimp dumplings, pork dumplings, chicken dumplings and VEGETABLE DUMPLINGS BRING ME THE DUMPLINGS! Plus Udon and Ramen Noodles
3. NOW IT'S ONTO BBQ - We tell the man, we say to him - BRING ME EVERYTHING: Prime brisket, spicy beef bulgogi, cumin lamb, steak with house sauce, spicy pork bulgogi, calamari, garlic shrimp and baby octopus. "VEGETABLES?" Oh EFF off you EFFIN F! Fine! Mushrooms, peppers and potatoes then.
4. THEN, while they're gathering all of that deliciousness for you, you get to go up to the bar and get yourself all of their delicious sauces: hot oils, wasabi, mustards, spicy mayo, but the BEST is the house BBQ sauce. It truly is to die for. They also have chicken feet, kimchi and seaweed salad at the bar for the taking as well.
5.  Eat to your hearts content. AND WE SURE DO. 

After eating two to three courses with an extra helping of BROTH for yours truly I was about ready to fall over. But still, I walked out of there with pride and rode down the street to Country Style Donuts for dessert. It's safe to say I did this Hot Pot joint much smarter than Fogo de Chao and I was reminded of what could have happened as I noticed a sink full of puke on my way out of the bathroom and ultimately the restaurant.

It was late so Country Style's options were limited. I ended up with a lemon filled powder which was still outstanding. I also tasted a bite of Boston Crème later on in the evening. Country Style still reigns as the best donut on the planet. TRY ME. 

High, full and happy I slowly drift off to sleep with the TV on. What a double feature of a Cheat Day, but ultimately the Point and Pump has got to go...TO COUNTRY STYLE DONUTS! YEAH! Although the experience of Hot Pot 757 was fantastic, it simply wasn't the most CHEAT worthy of meals. It was a lot of meat and broth and sea food. VERY tasty but you've got to cook your own FOOD?! AND it's probably not that bad for you at the end of the day. Donuts on the other hand... POWERFUL. 

Now, I mentioned what kind of hot GAINS/LOSSES were made this past week and a half. I chalk it up to not really cheating since Thanksgiving which was the previous THURSDAY and as you should know by now Cheat Day = Saturday. But drumroll please....THIS WEEK:

NIPS: 45.8 inches (1/4 inch smaller!)
BELLY: 42 inches (1 and 1/8 inch SMALLER!)
HIPS: 41.75 inches (1/3 of an inch smaller!)

SLIMING DOWN THROUGH AND THROUGH. How're you boo?! Take care of yourself. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach