Don't Over Extend Yourself

Sup Cheaters! Post 2 coming at you! Let's start with the business breakdown. I am embarrassed to say that I mother fucking GAINED a pound from last Saturday! I KNOW! Duh FUQ?! I honest to god stuck to the Slow Carb diet to a T! When I weighed in Saturday morning at about 8:45AM  the scale landed at 263.6. I had to check 3 times and sure enough it stopped there every time. THIS IS BULLSHIT! But, I think I know what went wrong.

Skinny Face Selfie

FIRST OF ALL I didn't take a pre-weigh in DUMP. "HUGE mistake you big dumb IDIOT!" I know I know, LAY OFF! Also, I ate a few too many peanuts the night before, delicious peanuts. I understand that weight fluctuates and that this doesn't NECESSARILY mean I'm getting fatter, in fact I know I am not. My face has already begun eating itself. However, to wake up with a sunken face and feeling all the energy of an 18 year old and to see that you GAINED a pound after forcing yourself to eat nothing but complex carbs, healthy fats, meats and vegetables all week is a serious downer.

THE PERKS of this butt fucking diet are endless, however, regardless of what some scale tells me. As I mentioned previously, the boundless energy that I have obtained having not only stripped myself of carbs but also of booze for the month is a godsend. It is honestly incredible. I feel much lighter over all, I don't just pass out or crash any old time at any old place, and I am a LOT more focused on accomplishing things. For instance, I have taken up this blog again, I have started a second podcast beside Chooch Chat called The Poopcast and we are also well on our way to producing the second season of a web-series I started with Tony Giamichael called A Bit Touched. Not only that, but on this particular cheat day I booked myself two different auditions for theatre shows which served as the bread of a Chooch sandwich this past Saturday.

Poopcast Pilot Click Here

This brings me to the title of this particular blog entry. DO NOT over extend yourself on cheat day. My non-food related schedule this cheat day was as follows: Audition 1 at 10AM, 11 AM A Bit Touched read through, 12PM Chooch Chat recording, 1:30PM A Bit Touched rewrites, and then all the way to Evanston, IL at 4:50PM for Audition #2! That's a slam packed day leaving little time to relish in Cheat Day activiy, i.e. gorging yourself on what you need, carbs, cheese, sugars, and LOTS OF THEM. Of course, I say this now, but wait til you hear what I managed to eat on cheat day regardless, cause I was DAMNED if I was going to let that one little pound keep me from cheating my DICK OFF!

Upcoming Chooch Chat Episode Click here

I woke up with enough time before the audition to eat about 6 double stuffed Oreos and a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. After that I reverse-desserted by slicing up some sharp cheddar cheese and slapping it on Triscuits. This really fucked my stomach up which, now that I am thinking about it, didn't do me any favors at audition 1, I DID botch it a little...womp womp. After audtion 1 I had to bike my ass over to our Chooch meeting as fast as I could. Luckily where we meet for the Chooch Train is stocked with deliciously cheat-a-rific foods! While there I ate a smorgasbord of old valentines heart-shaped jelly cookies, chocolate pound cake, oranges (reminder: not allowed on the slow carb diet), candied oranges, various Italian breads and cheeses, and finally rotisserie chicken sammies on hawaiian rolls with cheese and sauces! GOD DAMN! My mouth is watering, I knew I shouldn't have complained earlier in this post.

I had to RUSH out of the Chooch Meet to get to audition 2. I slipped and fell on my ass in the snow as I hopped in an Uber to get up to Evanston on time. I nailed the second audition and got myself a call back, which completely made the entire over-extended day justified. Getting a call back is the equivalent to a firm pat on that back with an "attaboy" in the acting world. I left the 2nd audition to go watch the WVU @ KU Men's College Basketball game and eat the shit out of some Sarpino's Pizza. I know I promised a Chicago restaurant review last week so I guess will be reviewing the Sarpino's pizza chain's delivery.

Sarpino's Website

Sarpino's is actually an international chain headquarted in Singapore. It's US headquarter's is in the Chicago adjacent Lincolnshire, IL. It's U.S. locales include:

Chicago metropolitan area (23 stores)
Minneapolis–Saint Paul (10 stores)
Kansas City metropolitan area (8 stores)
Greater Houston (2 stores)
Greater Austin (1 stores)
Atlanta, GA (1 store)[4]
Clive, IA (1 store)
Fort Lauderdale, FL (2 stores)
Moorhead, MN (1 store)

It's fine pizza. Probably better than Domino's and as good as Pizza Hut and Papa John's. It's nothing to write home about and it is affordable enough. It is what it is. It does the trick. Any other cliches I can throw out to let you know that it's mediocre? Bottom line is that it is carbs, cheese, grease, butter, ranch dressing, etc. Pizza is essentially the perfect cheat day food and Sarpino's did it this time. Next cheat day pizza I'll be looking for is some Jett's Pizza. Also, just a heads up I WILL be eating Taco Bell next week, so get ready for that. Alright cheaters, until next time: take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and eat like your life depended on it!

ELE,
Zach Finch

Cheat Day is BACK B!$@&ES!

WHAT UP Cheaters?! Yes, it HAS been a while, you're right. Damn near 4 fucking years as a matter of fact. It's like I packed up my diet blog and went to fat college. And I got so fat that I decided I finally needed to hop back on this diet train to trim town. What's the diet you ask?! HOLD THE FUCK ON I'M GETTING TO IT! It's the official diet from the book "The 4-Hour Body" by Timothy Ferriss. Did I read the book?! No, ASSHOLE, I don't read I'm an AMERICAN. My girlfriend broke the rules down for me and I am going to mimic what I did last time to a T until I am as skinny as this again:

Look How pretty that is! (Oomphotography)

The rules, for those fatties out there that want to try this with me:

1. No Carbs (DUH, dicks) Sun - Fri

Not Entirely Disgusting!

2. Certain Carbs (known as complex carbs) Allowed Sun - Fri:
    a. Beans
    b. Legumes
    c. Quinoa
    d. Avocado
    e. Tomato
    f. Those are about the only ones I'm willing to ingest but I am sure there are more just fucking GOOGLE IT, it's simple.
3. CHEAT DAY SATURDAY: EAT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING!

The Rock URGES You To Cheat

Pretty simple right? Wrong! I bet you're thinking of asking me right now, well Zach, you're a borderline alcoholic, are you not gonna drink BEER Monday through Friday either? No, shit head, I'm not! First of all I'm taking February off from drinking entirely so it's gonna be easy. Second of all AFTER February, should I resume drinking, I will substitute beer for Vodka/Sodas and Red Wine as I progress toward my goal of becoming a 50 year + catty woman who likes the idea of a slow suicide. Another way that this is not simple is that it is hard as shit to not eat cheese, chocolate, bread, crackers, fruit, or dairy of any kind now that I think about it! Alright?! So it isn't easy for an addict like me. If it is, YOU do it with me fuckwad!

I started this blog last time as a sort of accountability measure, to make sure I followed through and to have some fun while I was at it. And I did have some fun and I got some good feedback. So, for those who read it originally, thank you! For those who are reading it now, strap in you cheatin' BASTARDS cause you're in for a bumpy ride!

Fat and Sad
(Oh Happy Day)

I suppose I should start by setting a goal right? Ya don't just get on a diet to kind of wade through hoping to just get skinnier without keeping notes or aiming at targets. SO, my weigh in this Saturday, the first official cheat day, came out to a whopping 262.4! I know, disgusting! Some of you are prolly all, "no WAY, that's MASSIVE! You don't seem THAT big." Well thanks for the backhanded compliment pricks! I know it's massive and I don't think I look THAT big either. But, ya know, I'm pretty strong now, so I think there's lots of muscle under this fat jacket. My goal is to weigh 200 LBS (a nice round number)! So I need to lose 62.4 pounds. By when? hmmmm....let's say Summer? So...August? And here's how I'm going to do it:

Cheat Day 1 (2/10/2018): To start the morning I woke up and did my first weigh in, which was highly disappointing. So to make myself feel better I reached into my bedside drawer and cracked open one of two bags of Skittles I had purchased for myself for the occasion the day before. Skittles is among my favorite non-chocolate candy. I particularly enjoy them in a movie theatre with a soda. I love the numb feeling my mouth takes after finishing a bag of skittles and a large soda like I just coated every corner with an eighth of cocaine. Next I moved to the kitchen and pulled out a block of cheese, one that I also procured for myself earlier in the week for the occasion.

Cheat Day Essentials

Ferb Will Be Playing Quite A Role From Now On

Liz, though she is not attempting to follow the diet this time around fully intends to partake in some of my Cheat Day adventures. And you know what, Cheat Day don't mind. Cheat Day don't mind at all. Cheese is one of the adventures Liz underwent with me this Cheat Day eating off the block like an adorable little mouse, sharing with Ferb the cat as well, little fat tub a shit doesn't need no cheat day, but the hell with it. It's a CELEBRATION. I then made myself a cheese-filled omelet. Once the eggs were thoroughly cheesed I polished off what was left of the block. (pats tummy delicately)

This may be a disappointing post for the "Cheat Day. Don't Care" fans out there because I did not prepare like I should have as I did not complete a full week of the Slow Card diet. I began the diet on Tuesday (2/6/18). So for the rest of the day all I ate was a bit more candy that Liz brought home for me from her audition. Peanut M&Ms, Sour Patch Watermelons, and more Skittles. Candy's delicious, especially on Cheat Day.

The rest of the day didn't have much cheating, and here's why. It was the evening of one of the most GLORIOUS events of the year, Candice Conner and Oomphotography's Chili Cook-Off! Now, what's awesome about chili is that it can be both VERY Cheat Day friendly AND very Slow Carb Diet friendly. Just think about the ingredients in chili. Chili's got beans, tomato, peppers, chili powder/spices, and meat! That's all you fucking need! Make yourself up a crock-a-chili and eat off that shit all week and you've got yourself one SHIT-tastic Slow Card week gearing up for a cheat day. Anyway, I AM sorry if this is disappointing to those of you who wanted to hear how I went buck wild at Old Country Buffet last Saturday. Instead, I went buck wild at a Chili Cook-Off.

There's a new theme every year.

I DID eat all the chilis, yes, thanks for caring. TWICE actually. So...fuck yeah! I ate several a third time and a few 4th and 5th times (See why I am above 260lbs?). I was a chili-pig to say the least. Let me break down what was cheat day about a few of these chilis. To get it out of the why: White, cream based sauces GALORE, and delicious to boot. I'm talking sour creams, greek yogurt, and a sort of cilantro tzatziki sauce, yum-a-dum dum! There was also a delicious fancy cheese and some various sorts of chips as garnishes (mostly tortilla and plantain). Finally, what chilis had cheat day all up in dere?! Well let me start with mother fucking CHOCOLATE! "Chocolate? WHAT?! That sounds weird!" It WAS weird, and delicious! SOME chilis had potatoes and corn (not THAT exciting but still cheat-tastic). One Chili was a Cincinnati style chili with not only spaghetti, but (what I am assuming would be a perfectly acceptable Slow-Carb item) TRIPE. Tripe was a first for OL'Zach, BUT I'm alive and it was actually a very delicious chili.

Winner Winner
Chili Dinner!

The winner of the evening was Chili-Cook and artist, Twist Harrison Frei with her chili called: "F$CK Beans Green Chiili." T'was a VERY delicious dish indeed. It won by a mere .01%, a VERY close race. This chili was outstanding, though it did fall into the argument of what constitutes a chili. See this felt to some like a crock-pot filled with a delicious pork-based taco or burrito filling and less like a chili. Chili is traditionally a dish that contains tomatoes, beans, chilis, and various spices and nothing more. Simply adding meat makes it something different (i.e. Texas Chili). Now it would be a BORING cook-off if all cooks stuck to such stringent rules so obviously anything goes. It's just something to think about. How far ARE we willing to stray from chili when it comes to the cook-off competition. What IS allowed? IS chili really THAT good if an outside dish can come in and wreak havoc every year? These are the questions that need answering.

ATISR (Always Throw In a Simpsons Reference)

Chili IS a great thing. Especially in the winter and especially on this diet. So, this was a very fitting event to launch myself back into this diet with. Next week I will have a Chicago restaurant to cheat-review for all you cheaters out there and HOPEFULLY some more sickening displays of gluttony. Wish me luck as I traverse this first full week of avoiding the dangerous sugars and carbs we have all grown to be addicted to. If you have any recommendations of dishes to make or restaurants to eat at during the week for the Slow Carb diet PLEASE do not hesitate to reach out to me! I'll post all about it on the next blog. If you have any recommendations for Cheat Day dishes or restaurants you BETTER fucking tell me or I'll be kicking your ass if I find out you were keeping it from me. Alright cheaters, until next time: take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and eat like your life depended on it!

ELE
Zach Finch

Also, please check out www.zachandtony.com for more Zach created content, including a podcast and some video.

Valentine's Day Eat Fest!

simpsonitos.wordpress.com

Zach: I love you cheaters! I just have to get that out there while it's still love day. So last Cheat Day was a low key "Cheap" Day where the Lovely Liz and I just bought grocery cheat items. These days are often the best Cheat Days. You can each get whatever the fuck you want, just separate. We got cheese and chocolate and macaroni and crackers and hummus (which you CAN eat on a normal day but not a lot and lets face it why eat hummus if you can't knock out that whole fucking container?!)

chocolategourmet.co.uk

gracessweetlife.com

This Cheat Day is not going to be much different. And no, to all who are wondering we ain't switching no Cheat Day to Valentine's Day. We're getting half-price chocolate tomorrow and we'll enjoy a delicious non-cheat meal tonight with some red wine, which you can drink on not cheat day! Here's what to eat on a non-cheat Valentine's Day: Salad (no fuggin shit), Italian Sausage, Tri-colored peppers, Broccoli, and fuggin black beans, perhaps a little coffee as an after dinner beverage. "What about dessert?" HEY SHUT UP! Stop trying to keep winners from winning alright?! We'll get to dessert the next day when we wake up and pound heart shaped chocolate and donuts in bed like we have our own too fat to leave the house A&E show!


Alrighty cheaters. This is a short one. If we do anything fancy tomorrow you'll read about it next week. I love you. Happy Valentine's Day from Zach and Liz.

Ice Skating