Holi-CHEAT-day

Dinner Cruise

What up you cheatin' ass busters. I am back for a special edition of Cheat Day. Don't Care. A HOLIDAY edition. YES, the holidays are WAY behind us now and NO I am not technically on a diet which ALLOWS for a cheat day, or really any diet specifically right now! Though I am loosely following The Plant Paradox with Liz, in case you are wondering. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT! GOD DAMMIT!

I'm here to talk to you about everyone's favorite Cheat SEASON. A season known for such gluttony that we as a culture have deemed it necessary to declare RESOLUTIONS to prevent us from living like FAT DISGUSTING SLOBS until the end of TIME! Dry January, Gym Memberships, Whole 30, PLANT PARADOX! MY GOD! Please allow me (and yourself) to relive the glory that is the Cheatenist season of them all, the holidays.

Sport Cap

My holiday officially began on December 23rd. But let's face it, my fat ass was snacking on holiday cookies and candy well before that. Try NOVEMBER 23rd FUCKIN' FUCKERS. But this is specifically about my Holiday Break/Vacation to SUNNY CLEARWATER FLORIDA! Where all the scientologists are imprisoned...imprisoned is the scientologist word for live. I landed and I wasn't feeling my best. BUT my ever loving father and brother picked me up from the airport with a 16oz Miller Light SPORT CAP. Sport cap is what we call those aluminum bottles with a cap that twists off and back on again... ya know, so we can get back to playing SPORTS. So what did my exhausted and sick ass do? DRANK DAT SHIIIIIT! It may have been the worst beer I've ever drank before noon.

Parent's Place in FLA

Taco Ring

Taco Pie

I got to my parents' new humble ABODE which is WONDERFUL BTW... If I could eat it I would, but I can't and I didn't. Also, I wasn't feeling well so I was pacing myself. I waited until around dinner time, when my aunt and uncle showed up with their friend from the STOOL of the midwest (Indianapolis), to GET DOWN TO BUSINESS! I cracked open another Sport Cap AND my uncle made me a rather potent Margarita. DELICIOUS. My MA made everyone two of the WHITEST Mexican dishes ever thought up. 1. A Taco RING made by rolling taco fillings up into pillsbury croissants and sorting it into a ring and then baking it. and 2. One of my all time personal favorites the Taco PIE: which you can find in an Old El Paso dinner box kit. It is just as it sounds, flour tortillas staked with taco filling in between each one and then, you guessed in...BAKED. An affordable and delicious way to pack on the calories. Let's not also forget the fixins': olives, shredded cheese, sour cream, lettuce, two different kinds of salsa, and of course a queso DIP. EAT IT ALL!..we did.

The next day was Christmas Eve and we were to be getting on a dusk time dinner cruise buffet! So we didn't eat too much during the day time in order to save room, so once we were on the boat we could PUT IT AWAY. The boat was nice, it was a yacht. It was huge. There were about 130 DINERS on board with just one line for food. We got on FIRST. How's that for Cheaters. We CHARGED the line and got helping 1 before most of the boat was even seated. We laughed and ate in the faces of all the old suckers who hobbled to their tables. The spread was as follows:

-Charred Apple Salad w/Romaine and Baby Lettuces, Cherry Tomatoes Halves, Butternut Squash, Dried Cherries, Roasted Grapes and Cider Dressing (SOUNDS HEALTHY, BOOO, delicious dressing though)

-Roast Baron Beef Round w/Bordelaise Sauce and Herbed Horseradish Aioli (Now we're talkin', but still not exactly CHEAT worthy)

-Sauteed Chicken Breast w/ Roasted Pears, Cranberries and a Honey Glaze (OOOO fruit and "GLAZE" sound like good cheat factors)

-Dijon Horseradish Crusted Salmon over a Lemon Dill Beurre Blanc (Delicious, but again, not bad for you at all)

-Penne Pasta Gratin w/Smoked Gouda (SHOW STOPPER! HERE IT IS, everything CHEAT in one dish...in case you're wondering, which you ARE otherwise you wouldn't still be reading...I had 3.5 helpings)

-Roasted Reg Potato "Scampi" w/Garlic, Olive Oil, Fresh Herbs, and Asiago Cheese (Potatoes BOOM, CHEESE AGAIN BOOM - 2 helpings)

-Steamed Broccoli, Cauliflower and Baby Carrots tossed in a Maple Vinaigrette (I happen to like everything about this dish cheat-worthy or not)

My 1st plate + Pretty Mama

That was the main Holiday Dinner of the trip. It was a fantastic evening. After dinner we enjoyed a slice of either chocolate fudge cake OR a sort of cheese cake. I got the chocolate cake and Nick (my bro) got the cheesecake thing. It was all quite good. We also enjoyed a cocktail or two while cruising around Clearwater sound as the sun set and the weather warmed us. Quite an evening, quite an event. If you find yourself in that area look up Yacht StarShip and TREAT YO SELF!

Christmas Day I got drunk. It was the only day I got "drunk" while in Florida, which was actually really nice. It was fun to not be drunk all the time on a vacay. But! It was also fun to be DRUNK on X-Mas. Let me TAKE YOU THERE. I awoke Christmas morning, pretty much before EVERYBODY just like always, cause I'm still a kid at heart and I went STRAIGHT for my stocking and ate 2 slimjims and some chocolate for breakfast. Merry Cheatmas everyone. Nick and I wanted to get on some Jetskis for X-mas, cause you can do that in Florida in December. But we got stonewalled as apparently if you aren't 30 you need some sort of special small watercraft license from the state of Florida (which you can get online) and young Nick is merely 28 years old. This is just another way for Florida to squeeze a little extra scratch out of our nation's YOUTH. FEH.

Where we get them Rum Runners

Since we got shut down at the Jetski place Nick and I snagged a quick MARG at the tiki bar next door and we played a little foosball (I won). We then went to the tiki bar a few spots down where we left the "adults". We left them there because they LOVE the Rum Runners they serve. 32 ounces for $10! Now that's a fuckin' CHEATMAS MIRACLE. Them bad boys are POTENT too. After that drink and the Margarita I was already pretty tipsy...drunk even. Drunk enough so that when the "adults" decided it was time to move on to my aunt's house where Christmas dinner was to be served I could not drive. Well guess what was at their house waiting for us. BEER!...and Bourbon and Lots.Fucking.Ovit.

You want details?! YOU GOT EM. (Thanks for the assist Nick). My aunt Maureen went traditional for X-Mas dinner. We ate ham, green bean casserole, some mashed taters, and a little side salad. And GUESS WHAT?! I had just one helping (except for the green bean casserole). This was mostly because I was more focused on drinking the delicious Big Storm Brewing Co.'s Tropic Pressure Florida Ale and smoking a nice lil'Montecristo courtesy of Uncle Randy.

The next day Nick had to get on a damn plane and get back to Virginia so we didn't have much time to waste. We went right back to that Jetski stand, license in hand ($10 later), and jetskiid about an hour around Clearwater Beach. It was awesome. We then knocked back another 32oz Rum Runner before I got Nick a lil'taste of sweet home Chicago! That's right, I found us a JET'S PIZZA to stop at on the way to dropping Nick at the airport! WOO! Ho YEAH! JETSJETSJETSJETSJETS! EAT IT UP!

The next couple of days were chill. We didn't eat to much NASTINESS. It was also just me and my folks kickin' it. We took it easy. We took a couple walks. Saw the movie The Mule (1 point and pump). Ate light and ate at home. In preparation for the lovely Liz's arrival I prepared some of my mom's famous brownies, with mom's help. They were delicious as ever. Our cheatin' asses enjoyed them heated with a scoop or two of peppermint ice cream. This is now one of my favorite desserts. Aside from sweets most of what Liz and I ate down in Florida with my folks wasn't very Cheaty. We ate gummy gators, chocolate bars, Pez, candy canes, brownies, cake, and all sorts of other sweets. I drank very little, if at all. We ate LIKE KINGS at a grill out at Aunt Maureen's: I'm talking surf and turf people. DECADENT yes, but CHEATY? Not even close! Oh yeah, they also have Wawas there, so of course I treated myself to a Wawa sub.

The next main event, as well all know, is New Years FUCKIN' Eve! Liz and I took a drive over to Orlando to go to Universal Studios. WHY?! No not Harry Potter you fucking NERDS, Jesus Christ, just stop reading. I'm Talking SPRINGFIELD. SIMPSONS LAND. MOTHER FUGGLERS! It was a dream. There isn't much to Springfield, but the detail is impeccable. The ride is VERY entertaining and fun, as are the carnival games, but most importantly Moe's Tavern is the TITS. I ordered a Duff Beer around noon and Liz had a non-alcoholic Flaming Moe (they are ONLY non-alcoholic, FYI but they are very fun). We then got a donut deemed "The Big Pink" and walked around eating it. Now this isn't the first time I've eaten THE BIG PINK, but it's the first time I ate this donut. It was good, cakey, but good! I enjoyed it.

One thing I'll say about Universal on the whole is, they know what they are doing in regards to line management and set detail. Walking around Diagon Alley was fanciful and magical, walking through lines to get to ride was so entertaining I didn't care when lines too more than half an hour (which was the average by the way) I'll go ahead and rank the rides now. I KNOW IT'S NOT FOOD RELATED BUT IT'S FUCKING FUN! SO FUCK YOU!

1. The Simpsons Ride (I'm a company man, what can I say)
2. Revenge of The Mummy (Haunted House Coaster complete with fire, water, and a surprise ending)
3. ET (Classic, delightful, magical, best enjoyed high off your ass)
4. Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit (The only true coaster on the OG side of the Park, solid coaster, PLUS you get to pick a song you will listen to the whole ride)
5. Men in Black Alien Attack (Best line, made you feel most like you were a part of the movie, also had a nice competitive twist)
6. Fast & Furious Supercharged (Fairly fun line, fun-ish ride, would be better if you weren't crammed on a bus sized car, best projections and actor integration. Who doesn't like The Rock)
7. Race Through New York Starring Jimmy Fallon (Why is this a ride? Was actually delightful, exceeded all expectations...but really...why?)

They Did Conan Dirty

8. Harry Potter and the Escape from Gringotts (This sucked. I'm no hater. Not really anyway. I like the Harry Potter universe. I enjoyed the movies and the few books I read, but this ride essentially took what the Mummy does and waters it down (no water effect pun intended). Not only that but it's got the LONGEST (obvi) SHITTIEST line to wait in. I think Liz and I waited close to 90 minutes and most of it was like waiting in a line at the bank or the DMV or a VERY busy library. So...if that's what they were trying to simulate...good on them. They definitely did it.)

Even waiting in this traffic to get out was somehow more fun than the line to the Harry Potter ride.

Honestly, I would rate the Harry Potter ride as dead LAST in the things that we did at Universal, even after resting in the car before going back in the park for the New Years Countdown, and waiting in line at the lost and found to get Liz's phone back. Fight me NERDS! And I'm done! What did I eat you say!?

Well, OF COURSE Liz and I ate at Krusty Burger, which was essentially classic middle of the road and WAY over priced amusement park food, but WHEN IN SPRINGFIELD! She got a Krusty Burger with cheese and curly fried as well as a sugar free soda. I got THE CLOGGER! (basically a double bacon cheeseburger) with curly fries and a sugar free soda. The sugar free soda is actually a wise choice since we spent all day walking around in the sun. I also capped the night off with one more Duff Beer and Liz got a small sack of candy. We counted down in a large mass of people with a DJ leading the charge and then we immediately got in line for the coaster again. 2019 started with a roller coaster. Here's hoping the year is more of a steady rise to a long and sturdy plateau, or the most boring rollercoaster ever thought up! I will check back in every time I get a little TOO Cheaty. Who knows, maybe I'll do a Super Bowl edition if a certain team makes it. Take care of yourselves! Take care of each other! Eat like your life depended on it!

ELE,
Zach

Are we down with 'em?

NO! They must've seen YOU!

Don't Over Extend Yourself

Sup Cheaters! Post 2 coming at you! Let's start with the business breakdown. I am embarrassed to say that I mother fucking GAINED a pound from last Saturday! I KNOW! Duh FUQ?! I honest to god stuck to the Slow Carb diet to a T! When I weighed in Saturday morning at about 8:45AM  the scale landed at 263.6. I had to check 3 times and sure enough it stopped there every time. THIS IS BULLSHIT! But, I think I know what went wrong.

Skinny Face Selfie

FIRST OF ALL I didn't take a pre-weigh in DUMP. "HUGE mistake you big dumb IDIOT!" I know I know, LAY OFF! Also, I ate a few too many peanuts the night before, delicious peanuts. I understand that weight fluctuates and that this doesn't NECESSARILY mean I'm getting fatter, in fact I know I am not. My face has already begun eating itself. However, to wake up with a sunken face and feeling all the energy of an 18 year old and to see that you GAINED a pound after forcing yourself to eat nothing but complex carbs, healthy fats, meats and vegetables all week is a serious downer.

THE PERKS of this butt fucking diet are endless, however, regardless of what some scale tells me. As I mentioned previously, the boundless energy that I have obtained having not only stripped myself of carbs but also of booze for the month is a godsend. It is honestly incredible. I feel much lighter over all, I don't just pass out or crash any old time at any old place, and I am a LOT more focused on accomplishing things. For instance, I have taken up this blog again, I have started a second podcast beside Chooch Chat called The Poopcast and we are also well on our way to producing the second season of a web-series I started with Tony Giamichael called A Bit Touched. Not only that, but on this particular cheat day I booked myself two different auditions for theatre shows which served as the bread of a Chooch sandwich this past Saturday.

Poopcast Pilot Click Here

This brings me to the title of this particular blog entry. DO NOT over extend yourself on cheat day. My non-food related schedule this cheat day was as follows: Audition 1 at 10AM, 11 AM A Bit Touched read through, 12PM Chooch Chat recording, 1:30PM A Bit Touched rewrites, and then all the way to Evanston, IL at 4:50PM for Audition #2! That's a slam packed day leaving little time to relish in Cheat Day activiy, i.e. gorging yourself on what you need, carbs, cheese, sugars, and LOTS OF THEM. Of course, I say this now, but wait til you hear what I managed to eat on cheat day regardless, cause I was DAMNED if I was going to let that one little pound keep me from cheating my DICK OFF!

Upcoming Chooch Chat Episode Click here

I woke up with enough time before the audition to eat about 6 double stuffed Oreos and a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. After that I reverse-desserted by slicing up some sharp cheddar cheese and slapping it on Triscuits. This really fucked my stomach up which, now that I am thinking about it, didn't do me any favors at audition 1, I DID botch it a little...womp womp. After audtion 1 I had to bike my ass over to our Chooch meeting as fast as I could. Luckily where we meet for the Chooch Train is stocked with deliciously cheat-a-rific foods! While there I ate a smorgasbord of old valentines heart-shaped jelly cookies, chocolate pound cake, oranges (reminder: not allowed on the slow carb diet), candied oranges, various Italian breads and cheeses, and finally rotisserie chicken sammies on hawaiian rolls with cheese and sauces! GOD DAMN! My mouth is watering, I knew I shouldn't have complained earlier in this post.

I had to RUSH out of the Chooch Meet to get to audition 2. I slipped and fell on my ass in the snow as I hopped in an Uber to get up to Evanston on time. I nailed the second audition and got myself a call back, which completely made the entire over-extended day justified. Getting a call back is the equivalent to a firm pat on that back with an "attaboy" in the acting world. I left the 2nd audition to go watch the WVU @ KU Men's College Basketball game and eat the shit out of some Sarpino's Pizza. I know I promised a Chicago restaurant review last week so I guess will be reviewing the Sarpino's pizza chain's delivery.

Sarpino's Website

Sarpino's is actually an international chain headquarted in Singapore. It's US headquarter's is in the Chicago adjacent Lincolnshire, IL. It's U.S. locales include:

Chicago metropolitan area (23 stores)
Minneapolis–Saint Paul (10 stores)
Kansas City metropolitan area (8 stores)
Greater Houston (2 stores)
Greater Austin (1 stores)
Atlanta, GA (1 store)[4]
Clive, IA (1 store)
Fort Lauderdale, FL (2 stores)
Moorhead, MN (1 store)

It's fine pizza. Probably better than Domino's and as good as Pizza Hut and Papa John's. It's nothing to write home about and it is affordable enough. It is what it is. It does the trick. Any other cliches I can throw out to let you know that it's mediocre? Bottom line is that it is carbs, cheese, grease, butter, ranch dressing, etc. Pizza is essentially the perfect cheat day food and Sarpino's did it this time. Next cheat day pizza I'll be looking for is some Jett's Pizza. Also, just a heads up I WILL be eating Taco Bell next week, so get ready for that. Alright cheaters, until next time: take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and eat like your life depended on it!

ELE,
Zach Finch

Cheat Day is BACK B!$@&ES!

WHAT UP Cheaters?! Yes, it HAS been a while, you're right. Damn near 4 fucking years as a matter of fact. It's like I packed up my diet blog and went to fat college. And I got so fat that I decided I finally needed to hop back on this diet train to trim town. What's the diet you ask?! HOLD THE FUCK ON I'M GETTING TO IT! It's the official diet from the book "The 4-Hour Body" by Timothy Ferriss. Did I read the book?! No, ASSHOLE, I don't read I'm an AMERICAN. My girlfriend broke the rules down for me and I am going to mimic what I did last time to a T until I am as skinny as this again:

Look How pretty that is! (Oomphotography)

The rules, for those fatties out there that want to try this with me:

1. No Carbs (DUH, dicks) Sun - Fri

Not Entirely Disgusting!

2. Certain Carbs (known as complex carbs) Allowed Sun - Fri:
    a. Beans
    b. Legumes
    c. Quinoa
    d. Avocado
    e. Tomato
    f. Those are about the only ones I'm willing to ingest but I am sure there are more just fucking GOOGLE IT, it's simple.
3. CHEAT DAY SATURDAY: EAT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING!

The Rock URGES You To Cheat

Pretty simple right? Wrong! I bet you're thinking of asking me right now, well Zach, you're a borderline alcoholic, are you not gonna drink BEER Monday through Friday either? No, shit head, I'm not! First of all I'm taking February off from drinking entirely so it's gonna be easy. Second of all AFTER February, should I resume drinking, I will substitute beer for Vodka/Sodas and Red Wine as I progress toward my goal of becoming a 50 year + catty woman who likes the idea of a slow suicide. Another way that this is not simple is that it is hard as shit to not eat cheese, chocolate, bread, crackers, fruit, or dairy of any kind now that I think about it! Alright?! So it isn't easy for an addict like me. If it is, YOU do it with me fuckwad!

I started this blog last time as a sort of accountability measure, to make sure I followed through and to have some fun while I was at it. And I did have some fun and I got some good feedback. So, for those who read it originally, thank you! For those who are reading it now, strap in you cheatin' BASTARDS cause you're in for a bumpy ride!

Fat and Sad
(Oh Happy Day)

I suppose I should start by setting a goal right? Ya don't just get on a diet to kind of wade through hoping to just get skinnier without keeping notes or aiming at targets. SO, my weigh in this Saturday, the first official cheat day, came out to a whopping 262.4! I know, disgusting! Some of you are prolly all, "no WAY, that's MASSIVE! You don't seem THAT big." Well thanks for the backhanded compliment pricks! I know it's massive and I don't think I look THAT big either. But, ya know, I'm pretty strong now, so I think there's lots of muscle under this fat jacket. My goal is to weigh 200 LBS (a nice round number)! So I need to lose 62.4 pounds. By when? hmmmm....let's say Summer? So...August? And here's how I'm going to do it:

Cheat Day 1 (2/10/2018): To start the morning I woke up and did my first weigh in, which was highly disappointing. So to make myself feel better I reached into my bedside drawer and cracked open one of two bags of Skittles I had purchased for myself for the occasion the day before. Skittles is among my favorite non-chocolate candy. I particularly enjoy them in a movie theatre with a soda. I love the numb feeling my mouth takes after finishing a bag of skittles and a large soda like I just coated every corner with an eighth of cocaine. Next I moved to the kitchen and pulled out a block of cheese, one that I also procured for myself earlier in the week for the occasion.

Cheat Day Essentials

Ferb Will Be Playing Quite A Role From Now On

Liz, though she is not attempting to follow the diet this time around fully intends to partake in some of my Cheat Day adventures. And you know what, Cheat Day don't mind. Cheat Day don't mind at all. Cheese is one of the adventures Liz underwent with me this Cheat Day eating off the block like an adorable little mouse, sharing with Ferb the cat as well, little fat tub a shit doesn't need no cheat day, but the hell with it. It's a CELEBRATION. I then made myself a cheese-filled omelet. Once the eggs were thoroughly cheesed I polished off what was left of the block. (pats tummy delicately)

This may be a disappointing post for the "Cheat Day. Don't Care" fans out there because I did not prepare like I should have as I did not complete a full week of the Slow Card diet. I began the diet on Tuesday (2/6/18). So for the rest of the day all I ate was a bit more candy that Liz brought home for me from her audition. Peanut M&Ms, Sour Patch Watermelons, and more Skittles. Candy's delicious, especially on Cheat Day.

The rest of the day didn't have much cheating, and here's why. It was the evening of one of the most GLORIOUS events of the year, Candice Conner and Oomphotography's Chili Cook-Off! Now, what's awesome about chili is that it can be both VERY Cheat Day friendly AND very Slow Carb Diet friendly. Just think about the ingredients in chili. Chili's got beans, tomato, peppers, chili powder/spices, and meat! That's all you fucking need! Make yourself up a crock-a-chili and eat off that shit all week and you've got yourself one SHIT-tastic Slow Card week gearing up for a cheat day. Anyway, I AM sorry if this is disappointing to those of you who wanted to hear how I went buck wild at Old Country Buffet last Saturday. Instead, I went buck wild at a Chili Cook-Off.

There's a new theme every year.

I DID eat all the chilis, yes, thanks for caring. TWICE actually. So...fuck yeah! I ate several a third time and a few 4th and 5th times (See why I am above 260lbs?). I was a chili-pig to say the least. Let me break down what was cheat day about a few of these chilis. To get it out of the why: White, cream based sauces GALORE, and delicious to boot. I'm talking sour creams, greek yogurt, and a sort of cilantro tzatziki sauce, yum-a-dum dum! There was also a delicious fancy cheese and some various sorts of chips as garnishes (mostly tortilla and plantain). Finally, what chilis had cheat day all up in dere?! Well let me start with mother fucking CHOCOLATE! "Chocolate? WHAT?! That sounds weird!" It WAS weird, and delicious! SOME chilis had potatoes and corn (not THAT exciting but still cheat-tastic). One Chili was a Cincinnati style chili with not only spaghetti, but (what I am assuming would be a perfectly acceptable Slow-Carb item) TRIPE. Tripe was a first for OL'Zach, BUT I'm alive and it was actually a very delicious chili.

Winner Winner
Chili Dinner!

The winner of the evening was Chili-Cook and artist, Twist Harrison Frei with her chili called: "F$CK Beans Green Chiili." T'was a VERY delicious dish indeed. It won by a mere .01%, a VERY close race. This chili was outstanding, though it did fall into the argument of what constitutes a chili. See this felt to some like a crock-pot filled with a delicious pork-based taco or burrito filling and less like a chili. Chili is traditionally a dish that contains tomatoes, beans, chilis, and various spices and nothing more. Simply adding meat makes it something different (i.e. Texas Chili). Now it would be a BORING cook-off if all cooks stuck to such stringent rules so obviously anything goes. It's just something to think about. How far ARE we willing to stray from chili when it comes to the cook-off competition. What IS allowed? IS chili really THAT good if an outside dish can come in and wreak havoc every year? These are the questions that need answering.

ATISR (Always Throw In a Simpsons Reference)

Chili IS a great thing. Especially in the winter and especially on this diet. So, this was a very fitting event to launch myself back into this diet with. Next week I will have a Chicago restaurant to cheat-review for all you cheaters out there and HOPEFULLY some more sickening displays of gluttony. Wish me luck as I traverse this first full week of avoiding the dangerous sugars and carbs we have all grown to be addicted to. If you have any recommendations of dishes to make or restaurants to eat at during the week for the Slow Carb diet PLEASE do not hesitate to reach out to me! I'll post all about it on the next blog. If you have any recommendations for Cheat Day dishes or restaurants you BETTER fucking tell me or I'll be kicking your ass if I find out you were keeping it from me. Alright cheaters, until next time: take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and eat like your life depended on it!

ELE
Zach Finch

Also, please check out www.zachandtony.com for more Zach created content, including a podcast and some video.

An Epic Chili-Cookoff at Oomphotography

myfrugalfitness.com

Zach: SO! This past Cheat Day was A BLAST! The lovely Liz and I spent the day in the grocery store buying chili making supplies, then Liz MADE chili while I made pretzel bun cold cut sandwiches (which were dope). THEN the chili was entered into one of the most fun events I have been to in a while, Candice Conner's (of Oomphotography) 6th Annual Chili Cookoff!

My SEXY ass: Photo by: oomphotography.com

The Lovely Liz: oomphotography.com

                      The Conners opened up their home to 11 Chili Cooks and somewhere around 50 guests! Needless to reiterate, but I am not a fast learner, it was EPIC and delicious! And I know what you're thinking…"but Zach can't you eat Chili on NON Cheat Days?" YES, most chili's. But you may be forgetting all the cheese, sour cream, corn bread, "Italys" (Whatever those are..LOGAN), sweet potato muffins! AND BEER! Yes, of course there was beer, and I drank all the beer (like Homer, "but I need IT!"). I drank so much beer that I forgot I signed up for a beer drinking competition…that will happen St. Patty's Day weekend. So look forward to that.

Liz's chili fuckin' ROCKED. She was also the one to make corn bread…fucking AWESOME corn bread. But first the chili. Liz's chili was called, and the title will say it all, Chidester's Champion Chicken and Chorizo Chili with Chive and Cheddar Cheese. WHAT?! Your a little hard aren't you? It's okay…you can admit it, we're all friends here! You ladies have a little lady chub going too don't you?..I KNOW! That chili sounds awesome and it WAS awesome and it didn't even WIN this competition, so you can imagine how good some of the other chilies had to be.

Liz's corn bread was paired with her chili perfectly. Instead of milk she used beer in the corn bread, and she chopped up bacon and jalapenos to bake into the center of the corn bread as well. She topped the whole bunt with shredded cheddar. I could have eaten the whole loaf of bread by itself as a meal!

THE VICTOR Jacquelyn Prater: oomphotography.com

I don't know the ins and outs about the other chilies so I won't be able to go into what ingredients went into each, BUT, The winner was a chili titled Savory Sioux by Jackie Prater, and I will say that it was delicious. It was also paired perfectly with a side dish: sweet potato biscuits and honey butter. It was indeed savory, and then sweet, and then zesty! It was all in all a terrific chili and was basically the buzz of the event.

2nd Place: Mike Sater: oomphotography.com

3rd Place (1): Logan Conner: oomphotography.com

Second place went to my friend Mike Sater, I forget the title but he paired his with this avocado relish thing and some sort of cheese spread and it was delicious, unique and delicious. At 3rd place there was a tie. Logan Conner, the gentleman of the house, and a lovely woman named Dom each came in at 3rd. Logan's Chili was probably my 2nd favorite, after Liz's (I have a soft spot for chorizo…and Liz). I was told several times by contestant Brad Brubaker that it, "tasted like Slim Jims…in a good way." And I LOVE Slim Jims. Twas a beefy chili, Logan's. Beefy and spicy and I loved every minute of it. I even went back for seconds, even after I was stuffed so full of beans, meat, onion, corn, bread, cheese, sour cream, and of course…beer.

3rd Place (a): Dom: oomphotography.com

It was a fabulous night all around. I was so full I thought I was gonna die! Congrats to each contestant, specifically the winner Jackie. Congrats to all 50 judges (attendees) for being smart enough to attend such an event. But, most of all, congrats to Candice Conner for organizing it. A great time was had by all. I am already looking forward to next year's cookoff. I'd be honored to be the happy helper once more. I would hate to have to use the OTHER immortal words of Homer Simpson, "We're missing the cook-off, it's going on right now and we're missing it…"

hwdyk.com