Cheat Day is BACK B!$@&ES!

WHAT UP Cheaters?! Yes, it HAS been a while, you're right. Damn near 4 fucking years as a matter of fact. It's like I packed up my diet blog and went to fat college. And I got so fat that I decided I finally needed to hop back on this diet train to trim town. What's the diet you ask?! HOLD THE FUCK ON I'M GETTING TO IT! It's the official diet from the book "The 4-Hour Body" by Timothy Ferriss. Did I read the book?! No, ASSHOLE, I don't read I'm an AMERICAN. My girlfriend broke the rules down for me and I am going to mimic what I did last time to a T until I am as skinny as this again:

Look How pretty that is! (Oomphotography)

The rules, for those fatties out there that want to try this with me:

1. No Carbs (DUH, dicks) Sun - Fri

Not Entirely Disgusting!

2. Certain Carbs (known as complex carbs) Allowed Sun - Fri:
    a. Beans
    b. Legumes
    c. Quinoa
    d. Avocado
    e. Tomato
    f. Those are about the only ones I'm willing to ingest but I am sure there are more just fucking GOOGLE IT, it's simple.
3. CHEAT DAY SATURDAY: EAT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING!

The Rock URGES You To Cheat

Pretty simple right? Wrong! I bet you're thinking of asking me right now, well Zach, you're a borderline alcoholic, are you not gonna drink BEER Monday through Friday either? No, shit head, I'm not! First of all I'm taking February off from drinking entirely so it's gonna be easy. Second of all AFTER February, should I resume drinking, I will substitute beer for Vodka/Sodas and Red Wine as I progress toward my goal of becoming a 50 year + catty woman who likes the idea of a slow suicide. Another way that this is not simple is that it is hard as shit to not eat cheese, chocolate, bread, crackers, fruit, or dairy of any kind now that I think about it! Alright?! So it isn't easy for an addict like me. If it is, YOU do it with me fuckwad!

I started this blog last time as a sort of accountability measure, to make sure I followed through and to have some fun while I was at it. And I did have some fun and I got some good feedback. So, for those who read it originally, thank you! For those who are reading it now, strap in you cheatin' BASTARDS cause you're in for a bumpy ride!

Fat and Sad
(Oh Happy Day)

I suppose I should start by setting a goal right? Ya don't just get on a diet to kind of wade through hoping to just get skinnier without keeping notes or aiming at targets. SO, my weigh in this Saturday, the first official cheat day, came out to a whopping 262.4! I know, disgusting! Some of you are prolly all, "no WAY, that's MASSIVE! You don't seem THAT big." Well thanks for the backhanded compliment pricks! I know it's massive and I don't think I look THAT big either. But, ya know, I'm pretty strong now, so I think there's lots of muscle under this fat jacket. My goal is to weigh 200 LBS (a nice round number)! So I need to lose 62.4 pounds. By when? hmmmm....let's say Summer? So...August? And here's how I'm going to do it:

Cheat Day 1 (2/10/2018): To start the morning I woke up and did my first weigh in, which was highly disappointing. So to make myself feel better I reached into my bedside drawer and cracked open one of two bags of Skittles I had purchased for myself for the occasion the day before. Skittles is among my favorite non-chocolate candy. I particularly enjoy them in a movie theatre with a soda. I love the numb feeling my mouth takes after finishing a bag of skittles and a large soda like I just coated every corner with an eighth of cocaine. Next I moved to the kitchen and pulled out a block of cheese, one that I also procured for myself earlier in the week for the occasion.

Cheat Day Essentials

Ferb Will Be Playing Quite A Role From Now On

Liz, though she is not attempting to follow the diet this time around fully intends to partake in some of my Cheat Day adventures. And you know what, Cheat Day don't mind. Cheat Day don't mind at all. Cheese is one of the adventures Liz underwent with me this Cheat Day eating off the block like an adorable little mouse, sharing with Ferb the cat as well, little fat tub a shit doesn't need no cheat day, but the hell with it. It's a CELEBRATION. I then made myself a cheese-filled omelet. Once the eggs were thoroughly cheesed I polished off what was left of the block. (pats tummy delicately)

This may be a disappointing post for the "Cheat Day. Don't Care" fans out there because I did not prepare like I should have as I did not complete a full week of the Slow Card diet. I began the diet on Tuesday (2/6/18). So for the rest of the day all I ate was a bit more candy that Liz brought home for me from her audition. Peanut M&Ms, Sour Patch Watermelons, and more Skittles. Candy's delicious, especially on Cheat Day.

The rest of the day didn't have much cheating, and here's why. It was the evening of one of the most GLORIOUS events of the year, Candice Conner and Oomphotography's Chili Cook-Off! Now, what's awesome about chili is that it can be both VERY Cheat Day friendly AND very Slow Carb Diet friendly. Just think about the ingredients in chili. Chili's got beans, tomato, peppers, chili powder/spices, and meat! That's all you fucking need! Make yourself up a crock-a-chili and eat off that shit all week and you've got yourself one SHIT-tastic Slow Card week gearing up for a cheat day. Anyway, I AM sorry if this is disappointing to those of you who wanted to hear how I went buck wild at Old Country Buffet last Saturday. Instead, I went buck wild at a Chili Cook-Off.

There's a new theme every year.

I DID eat all the chilis, yes, thanks for caring. TWICE actually. So...fuck yeah! I ate several a third time and a few 4th and 5th times (See why I am above 260lbs?). I was a chili-pig to say the least. Let me break down what was cheat day about a few of these chilis. To get it out of the why: White, cream based sauces GALORE, and delicious to boot. I'm talking sour creams, greek yogurt, and a sort of cilantro tzatziki sauce, yum-a-dum dum! There was also a delicious fancy cheese and some various sorts of chips as garnishes (mostly tortilla and plantain). Finally, what chilis had cheat day all up in dere?! Well let me start with mother fucking CHOCOLATE! "Chocolate? WHAT?! That sounds weird!" It WAS weird, and delicious! SOME chilis had potatoes and corn (not THAT exciting but still cheat-tastic). One Chili was a Cincinnati style chili with not only spaghetti, but (what I am assuming would be a perfectly acceptable Slow-Carb item) TRIPE. Tripe was a first for OL'Zach, BUT I'm alive and it was actually a very delicious chili.

Winner Winner
Chili Dinner!

The winner of the evening was Chili-Cook and artist, Twist Harrison Frei with her chili called: "F$CK Beans Green Chiili." T'was a VERY delicious dish indeed. It won by a mere .01%, a VERY close race. This chili was outstanding, though it did fall into the argument of what constitutes a chili. See this felt to some like a crock-pot filled with a delicious pork-based taco or burrito filling and less like a chili. Chili is traditionally a dish that contains tomatoes, beans, chilis, and various spices and nothing more. Simply adding meat makes it something different (i.e. Texas Chili). Now it would be a BORING cook-off if all cooks stuck to such stringent rules so obviously anything goes. It's just something to think about. How far ARE we willing to stray from chili when it comes to the cook-off competition. What IS allowed? IS chili really THAT good if an outside dish can come in and wreak havoc every year? These are the questions that need answering.

ATISR (Always Throw In a Simpsons Reference)

Chili IS a great thing. Especially in the winter and especially on this diet. So, this was a very fitting event to launch myself back into this diet with. Next week I will have a Chicago restaurant to cheat-review for all you cheaters out there and HOPEFULLY some more sickening displays of gluttony. Wish me luck as I traverse this first full week of avoiding the dangerous sugars and carbs we have all grown to be addicted to. If you have any recommendations of dishes to make or restaurants to eat at during the week for the Slow Carb diet PLEASE do not hesitate to reach out to me! I'll post all about it on the next blog. If you have any recommendations for Cheat Day dishes or restaurants you BETTER fucking tell me or I'll be kicking your ass if I find out you were keeping it from me. Alright cheaters, until next time: take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and eat like your life depended on it!

ELE
Zach Finch

Also, please check out www.zachandtony.com for more Zach created content, including a podcast and some video.

An Epic Chili-Cookoff at Oomphotography

myfrugalfitness.com

Zach: SO! This past Cheat Day was A BLAST! The lovely Liz and I spent the day in the grocery store buying chili making supplies, then Liz MADE chili while I made pretzel bun cold cut sandwiches (which were dope). THEN the chili was entered into one of the most fun events I have been to in a while, Candice Conner's (of Oomphotography) 6th Annual Chili Cookoff!

My SEXY ass: Photo by: oomphotography.com

The Lovely Liz: oomphotography.com

                      The Conners opened up their home to 11 Chili Cooks and somewhere around 50 guests! Needless to reiterate, but I am not a fast learner, it was EPIC and delicious! And I know what you're thinking…"but Zach can't you eat Chili on NON Cheat Days?" YES, most chili's. But you may be forgetting all the cheese, sour cream, corn bread, "Italys" (Whatever those are..LOGAN), sweet potato muffins! AND BEER! Yes, of course there was beer, and I drank all the beer (like Homer, "but I need IT!"). I drank so much beer that I forgot I signed up for a beer drinking competition…that will happen St. Patty's Day weekend. So look forward to that.

Liz's chili fuckin' ROCKED. She was also the one to make corn bread…fucking AWESOME corn bread. But first the chili. Liz's chili was called, and the title will say it all, Chidester's Champion Chicken and Chorizo Chili with Chive and Cheddar Cheese. WHAT?! Your a little hard aren't you? It's okay…you can admit it, we're all friends here! You ladies have a little lady chub going too don't you?..I KNOW! That chili sounds awesome and it WAS awesome and it didn't even WIN this competition, so you can imagine how good some of the other chilies had to be.

Liz's corn bread was paired with her chili perfectly. Instead of milk she used beer in the corn bread, and she chopped up bacon and jalapenos to bake into the center of the corn bread as well. She topped the whole bunt with shredded cheddar. I could have eaten the whole loaf of bread by itself as a meal!

THE VICTOR Jacquelyn Prater: oomphotography.com

I don't know the ins and outs about the other chilies so I won't be able to go into what ingredients went into each, BUT, The winner was a chili titled Savory Sioux by Jackie Prater, and I will say that it was delicious. It was also paired perfectly with a side dish: sweet potato biscuits and honey butter. It was indeed savory, and then sweet, and then zesty! It was all in all a terrific chili and was basically the buzz of the event.

2nd Place: Mike Sater: oomphotography.com

3rd Place (1): Logan Conner: oomphotography.com

Second place went to my friend Mike Sater, I forget the title but he paired his with this avocado relish thing and some sort of cheese spread and it was delicious, unique and delicious. At 3rd place there was a tie. Logan Conner, the gentleman of the house, and a lovely woman named Dom each came in at 3rd. Logan's Chili was probably my 2nd favorite, after Liz's (I have a soft spot for chorizo…and Liz). I was told several times by contestant Brad Brubaker that it, "tasted like Slim Jims…in a good way." And I LOVE Slim Jims. Twas a beefy chili, Logan's. Beefy and spicy and I loved every minute of it. I even went back for seconds, even after I was stuffed so full of beans, meat, onion, corn, bread, cheese, sour cream, and of course…beer.

3rd Place (a): Dom: oomphotography.com

It was a fabulous night all around. I was so full I thought I was gonna die! Congrats to each contestant, specifically the winner Jackie. Congrats to all 50 judges (attendees) for being smart enough to attend such an event. But, most of all, congrats to Candice Conner for organizing it. A great time was had by all. I am already looking forward to next year's cookoff. I'd be honored to be the happy helper once more. I would hate to have to use the OTHER immortal words of Homer Simpson, "We're missing the cook-off, it's going on right now and we're missing it…"

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