I'm back BUSTERS! Cheatin' FULL TIME and it feels REAL GOOD. For those of you just joining me, which is prolly none of ya'll, let me catch you up. I do a dumb ass diet with no basis in human physiology called the Slow Carb Diet. It means that 6 out of the 7 days of the week I basically TORTURE myself by refusing many delicious foods. SUCH AS: cheese, breads, fruits, noodles, candies, beers, chocolate and sex.
Okay, that last one is a total lie. BUT, on ONE day out of 7 I go and I eat as much of all that deliciousness as I darn well please. And here's a retelling of what I went and ate.
I got summoned on another short road trip for a big gay brunch in the Warshington D.C. area. I call it a big gay brunch because it was: A. A lot of food, B. Most of the participants identify as homosexual and C. food was served around the 11/11:30AM hour. It was a ROAD TRIP because I was crashed out in Richmond, VA the night before. SO-
The alarm goes off and my phone blares "EAT IT" by Weird Al Yankovich. I know I have to hit the road and fast if I'm gonna make it to Taco Bell for breakfast before they switch over to the lunch menu exclusively. I don't know about yous guys, but when I used to spend $15 at a Taco Bell drive thru my next stop was the ER. Inflation is a real mother, amirite?!
I take on a breakfast crunchwrap with bacon (if you don't know by now that's hash-brown, egg, cheese, bacon, and quesadilla sauce wrapped in a tortilla and it's the best fast food b-fast item on the market), a sausage breakfast burrito, an order of lil'cinnabon bites, and a lunch burrito off the value menu. I'M NOT GONNA SIT THERE, driving down the interstate, getting my ONE Taco Bell meal in a month or more and NOT have some classic T-Bell, grade D-, oat/meat concoction.
Lucky for me I stop at the Taco Bell at the perfect moment for me to make it to the brunch location. I'll spare you the details but let's just say this was a photo finish.
As I am gentleman, and I am not starving for a Cheat Meal, I help setting up for the fierce soiree. The spread is everything I could want. Especially since the dish I requested, Biscuits and Gravy (Duh), is looking and smelling amazing. I set out a few chairs taking sips of my Irish coffee and nabbing pieces of cheese and bacon while I wait for the first guests to arrive.
Once the first two do, I don't waste no business. I dish myself out a plate of them Bisks and Graves and it hits the nonexistent spot. At this point I'm doing it out of pure gluttony. They taste so good, I eat a little bit more. In fact, I'll say right now they get my POINT AND PUMP of the week! I pace the room hoping for a bit of hunger to come back. It doesn't, so I eat a pear and a peach keeping in mind that fruit is not only delicious but important.
Plenty caffeinated I switch over to a variety of late summer/fall mimosa varieties. I start with a Perfectly Peach juice mimosa. It's dank. I drink it like a 7 year old who just finished playing midfield for a full summer league soccer match. I move onto the Perfectly Apple Juice mimosa. Is it REALLY that great also, or am I drunk, full and happy? Let's just say yes, of course it is! The Apple Mimosa goes down just as smooth. It's time to switch to the OG OJ Mimosa and it goes down even smoother. So what's left?! Oh yeah...how about a little rosè in this unseasonable warmth?! Throw it on top!
I was taught about the difference between a Napoleon pastry and a Tiramisu. I devoured a delicious piece of a napoleon to work in more sweets, light fluffy and the perfect amount of sweet. Chef's kiss. The beer of the day goes to SOL. After sitting in the sun on all that food and booze I realized I needed to hydrate and Sol hit the spot. Thanks Sol.
After a while the old queens trickled away from the party in sets of twos and fours. I started to clean up munching on cheese and meats and crackers the whole while. Then, 4 o'clock hit and the NFL wanted to show us a program. I forgot what happened after that.
I awoke from my drunken stooper feeling a pit in my stomach. Certainly there was something that could fill it. I crush an everything bagel sandwich with cheddar, salami and an INSANE roasted red pepper spread, I polish off a self-indulgent buffalo chicken taco and to cleanse the palate a piece of a big FAT BANANA ice cream sandwich by nightingale.
Some times you start early and you end early. I limped to my bed feeling accomplished on my first full Cheat Day back. I didn't go anywhere except Taco Bell and a welcoming group's lovely brunch filled with good food, good laughs, and good weather. It was a good day to be alive. There ain't no shortage of them. Remember that.
Oh, I went ahead and measured myself for posterity. Here's where I'm at after the Barbados fiasco and the whole "Cheat Meal" trial.
NIPS: 46.25 (a negligible .0625 in increase from 3 weeks ago)
Belly Button: 44 in. (an embarrassing .4375 inch increase from 3 weeks ago)
HIPS: 42.25 (a proud .125 in increase from 3 weeks ago, I like some junk in this trunk)
So, that just goes to show you. Stray from the program and you might regret it. Let's stay focused. Cheat DAY. Not Cheat Days and not Cheat Meal.
Take care of yourselves, take care or each other. eat like your life depends on it.
ELE,
Zach
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