SWEET BABY CHEAT WEEK Mo-Foggers! Ya' HEARD me! Cheat WEEK! I told ya'll! I told ya'll LAST WEEK on this blog that a road trip was gonna be tough AF! And it was! It really really was. So tough, that I just threw all dietary restrictions out the car window and went whole hog all week long! As a result I did not do my measurements this weekend. FUCKIN' SUE ME!
You gonna sit there judging me for that? Or would you rather judge me for what I ate all week long, HUH?! Thought so! Now strap in, cause I cheated my way all across the great states of North Cacka-Lacky, Georgia and a little into South Cacka-lacky!
Sunday morning I woke up in the strange and underwhelming Asheville, NC. Sally Small Stomach landed us a brunch rezy at one of the hottest spots in town, Cúrate, a very fancy tapas place. I fucking hate tapas. SMALL plates I have to SHARE?! Get-da-fug-oudda-here! HOWEVER! Despite that fact and despite it being in Asheville, NC, this place was awesome and delicious. Now, it's the day after Cheat Day remember, so I ain't trying to keep goin' full out fatty on cheat food, naw'msayin? Cúrate delivers in this attempt. Lemme break it down.
Kickin' it off, I ordered a DELICIOUS cheat-eriffic coffee and Spanish Brandy drink called a Spanish Coffee with an orange infused whipped cream as a topper. Lemme just say this was the best HWHIPPED cream I have ever had. I could have eaten a tub of it. Sally ordered an espresso with "your preferred spirit" which they chose for her and they chose CORRECTLY. In her coffee was a shot of Cota 45 - Pandorga Esencia de Pedro Ximénez. SUCK ME SIDEWAYS her coffee cocktail might have been the tastiest I have ever had.
Like I said before, I friggin HATE tapas! So I let Sally Small Stomach do the ordering...and she crushed it. Here are the "small plates" ranked:
- 6. pulpo a la gallega - Octopus with a Potato Puree - I don't mind when octopus is in things, but I get a little squeamish when I can really tell I'm eating octopus. Also, mostly diet friendly with the exception of the puree. I enjoyed it, but it comes in last on my list.
- 5. gazpacho - Lisa Simpson's answer to a backyard BBBQ. I can't say I've had a ton of gazpacho in my day, but this one was quite tasty.
- 4. escalivada - roasted peppers, onion and eggplant - VERY diet friendly and let me just say this only ranked so high on my list because of the -
- 3. No longer on the menu - Skirt Steak...but pork. ALSO diet friendly and boy howdy did it pair well with that escalivada.
- 2. Chistorra & chips josé's way - Cúrate's spicy chorizo sausage wrapped in a potato chip. Basically Spanish pigs in blankets. Sounds simple and possibly easy to fuck up. Simple? yes. Did they come out fucked up? NOT A CHANCE IN HELL! I was the one who was doing the fucking up of those fancy pigs in blankets. They were perfect! The slight crunch that came from the chip not wrapped around the sausage was so MWAH (chef's kiss)! This comes in at no. 2 but let me tell you, if you happen to have done yourself a disservice by ending up in Asheville but made the right choice and getting it into Cúrate then THIS is the dish you must order.
- 1. pincho moruno - the "large plate" (pfff) lamb skewers. I don't toss the phrase "symphony of flavors" loosely...or maybe I do, and MAYBE I'm just a lamb fan, but MMM - Mm - mm.mm.mm.
We, regretfully kicked it around Asheville for a couple more hours just trying to find the charm that people kept talking about and got a couple more treats along the way. We knew we had a large amount of road ahead of us so we decided to kick it up a notch with some caffeine. The stop? French Broad Chocolate Lounge. I got a very cheaty and cheeky Ice Coffee FLOAT with vanilla ice cream cause I'm BASIC HOKAY! Sally got herself an affogato with CHOCOLATE ice cream cause she's always right.
Time to hit the road! STOP NUMBER ONE! Atlanta, Georgia...well Decatur really. Decatur, GA is the Evanston of Atlanta. It's the BETHESDA of Atlanta. It's basically the LARCHMONT of Atlanta. DO YOU FOLLOW ME YET?! It's a nice ritzy suburb/city that has it's own thing going on these days. It's a little red neck and it's a little ritzy. There's a chic donut shop with a line around the block and a busted upred truck with old tires in the back sitting out in a front lawn. I wake up Monday morning feeling pretty proud of myself for how I've eaten on the road trip thus far and I walk down to the local coffee shop in search for a little pep in my step. I find it alright. I go into that shop and order me up an an Iced ZACK! WHAT?! I know! An Iced Zack is essentially an iced red eye at the Kavarna cafe.
Here's where my road trip diet kind of starts to run off the rails a bit. When lunch time hits we make Ford's BBQ our destination. Can't road trip through the south without stopping for a little BBQ. I get the platter with the pork, the brisket and the jalapeño cheddar sausage with some greens and some Brunswick stew, pretty diet friendly for sure. And YES, my biggest regret of the trip is not just ordering the Super Duty. Anyway, I wash all that down with a fucking WHISKEY AND CHEERWINE though like a fuckin' sugar freak!
Buzzin', I need more drink and I don't mean BOOZE! I'm talkin' bout that GOD DAMN soda pop! I'm in the MECHA for fuck sake. HOTLANTA is where Coke was born! So I make my way to the WORLD OF COKE museum. It was totally worth it for the tasting room alone. I tasted probably 100 different sodas and didn't even puke ONCE! HOLY CRAP. Here's my breakdown:
- Best - Pinneapple Fanta - It's commonplace but it's true.
- Worst - Beverly - Stupid Name, terrible synthetic and mediciny taste. Just awful. Tasted like what I imagine someone named Beverly might taste like. WOAH! HEY NOW! Watch out!
- Most Interesting - Sour Plum Fanta - tastes like BBQ sauce. I wouldn't drink a whole glass, but it didn't make me need to run and find the Pinneapple Fanta to get it's nasty taste out of my mouth...BEVERLY!
After the World of Coke I blew a 12 year old's mind at his own birthday dinner by informing him that I won $25,000 on a gameshow called The Cube. He also thinks I'm famous because I've been in TV and Commercials. Man, kids are dumb as SHIT. Also, don't worry about what I ate at the dinner, it wasn't much to write about.
What else do you do in HOTLANTA? A Braves game of course! The reigning champs have themselves quite a lovely, if not controversial, new stadium way out in the burbs where the RICHERS live. It's basically like a big Atlanta Braves theme park. After you get out of the parking decks you immediately walk into a miniature town filled with bars, restaurants, candy shops, merch stands, even New Orleans-esque daiquiri bars like Fat Tuesday. This is clearly setup to maximize post-season participation. The park itself is shiny and new AND! I GOT A BEER BAT! CRACK - glugluglug! As well as some cotton candy! FUCK THIS DIET SON! I'm on a ROAD TRIP.
The next day we pack it up and move toward Savannah, but this is a road trip mind you and what good is a road trip without a tourist trap thrown in there? The great Georgian Peach Orchard called Lane's was this tourist's trap of choice! Hey, clean bathroom's I'll give them that. I'll also give them this!: BEEF BRISKET GRILLED CHEESE, FRIED GREEN TOMATOES AND FRIED PIMENTO CHEESE BITES MAW FUGGLERS! CAN I SAY FUCK THIS DIET ANY MORE TIMES! YES, I will be. Food was decent, can't fuck up fried cheese and the raspberry jam they gave me with the order paired surprisingly well.
HOWEVER! The whole reason for even going is peach cobbler ALA MODE with peach soft serve ice cream. THAT, was legit delish.
Belly full and totally pleased with my tourist trap I make it the rest of the way to sweet sweet Savannah, GA! I'm instantly blown away by the beautiful historical architecture and the haunting live oak trees and spanish moss which line the streets. Unlike Asheville, Savannah delivers on every possible level. It's a fun town just to walk around but there seem to be a ton of fun ways to blow your money there as well. Ways like...
Buying BOOZE and taking it on your walk with you. That's right! Just like New Orleans and Vegas and SHIT seemingly anywhere now depending in what parts of what towns you find yourself, if you waltz into any old spot in Savannah and you ask for a drink to go they just pour it in a plastic cup and you walk it on out the door and down the street to the next place you want to buy a drink. I had a lot of drinks while I was there so I'll rank them later. The only PLACE I want to let ya'll cheatin' ass busters know about based on the drinks is OF COURSE Wet Willie's which is Savannah's MAW FUGGIN' daiquiri bar! ALCHO-SLUSHIES ya'll! AND LOTS OF EM. I CHUGGED, through brain freezes, a MUD SLIDE and a MONSTER MELON. Both delicious and both couldn't be more different from one another. I must say, they hit the spot in the sticky southern summer and they leave a big fat tub like me delightfully buzzed, so if you're normal sized WATCH OUT! It's a chain, I know I get it. They all are. BUT I LOVE THEM!
Here are all of my Savannah Walking Drinks Ranked:
- Peach Sangria - Bernie's Oyster House - Pumped, primed and pready for action I just went into the first bar I saw and grabbed the most refreshing looking drink on the menu.
- Terrapin Los Bravos local Beer - Quite a refreshing local take on a Mexican Lager
- Half Way Crooks - RADIX - a delicious and refreshing German Style Pils from the area. I love their dedication to German style beers and less so on the IPA in this region.
- Mud Slide - Chocolate Alcho-slushi from Wet Willie's, HOLY HELL a dessert and a drink.
- 1 Whiskey 1 Scotch 1 Beer - The Grey restaurant - it was 3 drinks for $15 bucks at one of the "best restaurants in the country"
- Monkey Business from Tandem Coffee and Spirits - A DELICIOUS iced coffee beverage with banana liqueur and irish cream. I got one two days in a row.
- Monster Melon - Wet Willies - Picked it up on my way out of town and it just really suits my taste. I love it.
Savannah is very much a walking town and now that I'm boozed up and moving my feet I'm ready to eat. My first meal takes place at Savannah Seafood Shack where I take a low country boil STRAIGHT to the face! It was out of this world good. I could have eaten two. No lie, best corn on the cob I've ever eaten and believe it or not CORN is not diet friendly, so YES I'm still being bad. Oh yeah, the whole bag is steamed and steeped in butter anyway. Crab legs, shrimp, sausage, potato and delicious spices. MMMMmmM. I want another!
The hotel I was in boasted a free breakfast and TACO FUCKIN TUESDAYS where I got some tacos and beer with the cost of staying! OINK OINK OINK! It was standard hotel breakfast, but why spend on breakfast with low country boils like the one I just MONCHED?!
The best Savannah lunch goes to the BOWL O' SOUL at Crystal Beer Parlor. The Bowl O' Soul is creamy grits topped with pulled pork, collard greens, pimento cheese, onion rings and a side of GOT DANG CORN BREAD. SWEET SOUTHERN SUNDAY Suck me Sideways AGAIN!
Finally, we get to din-din numero dos. This here is for all intents and purposes the MAIN EVENT of the whole road trip. This is THE GREY. A restaurant whose chef, Mashama Bailey, has won the most recent BEARD award for outstanding chef. OOOO, well I'll be. PINKYS FUCKING UP! WAIT A MINUTE, It's called The Grey because I'm bout to be eating inside an old Greyhound BUS STATION! Pinkies back down SUCKA! JK, it's awesome inside. The decor is tight...but so are the tables. The menu is PRICKS FIX and a lot like tapas, which ain't my style. But, I go along to get along and if the food is good then it's good and I'm happy.
The food is good, no doubt. Oysters, I tried one...still not my thing. Tuna appetizer, quite good...keep it coming. HOLD THE FORT! Where'd the food go? Someone dropped the ball and my party and I were left sitting in the cramped table with NOTHING TO EAT for about 45 minutes to an hour. VERY unappreciated at the finest restaurant in the country! Should it not be a well oiled machine? OILED WITH LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY?! They give us free fried rice balls, yipee, they're fine I mean c'mon..they're fried. We power through and they finally get the rest of our courses out to us: Okra, carolina gold and delicious ruby shrimp, Smoked Pork with hominy - tender and yummy and Finally, the likely CULPRIT of the hold up: 50 ounces of roasted rib eye with a garlic butter pat resting atop. They didn't even ask us how we wanted it cooked and it was cooked perfectly. Well played and touche!
Because of the HORRIFIC delay they gave us a round of dessert/drinks for free. Two of us ordered the Revolver Dessert cocktail: Rye, coffee liqueur, orange bitters: Boozy and delicious. And one, more adventurous party member got the Marscapone Fruit Tart with Corn SMUT ice cream! This ice cream was not the best ice cream ever, but may have been the most interesting tasting ice cream I've ever eaten. Touche again, Greyhound Bus Station!
Being back home from the road I decided to continue the cheat week with a breakfast burrito, some Stiegl Golds and some WiseGuy pizza on Friday. I started the diet back up the next day on what should normally be Cheat Day and I sit here writing this blog getting hungrier by the word. I just recently started this diet over again and I've already strayed. Most of you who know me and see me during the week know that I take it very seriously. But, honestly, some times you gotta take breaks from things. Sometimes you have to go along to get along. Sometimes you discover that you can eat a number of things on a road trip that mostly fit in with your crazy and ridiculous diet and it actually ISN'T that hard to stay healthy away from your routine! I'll be GOSH DARNED and here's a quick recap of things I ate on the road that I could eat any old crummy day of the week:
Lamb Skewers
Shrimp
Crab Legs
Steak
Nuts
Jerky
Smoked Pork
Sauteed Onions
Roasted Red Peppers
Eggplant
Gazpacho
Octopus
Eggs
Tuna
Okra
Iced Zacks
Go on an adventure. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other and eat like your life depends on it.
ELE,
Zach
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