"Maybe You Should Order Some Vegetables"

WEEHEHEHEHELL Cheatin' ASStros! I'm BACK. Another satisfying Cheat Day is in the books and a little more fat is skimmed off of the top of this hefty meat sack. I think I know you busters well enough by now, so I'll skip with the announcements and formalities and get straight to the cheating. 

Coffee Cocktail

I awoke in a shot, 8AM, like it was 10 Christmas mornings combined and sprung out of bed as if I were getting back up in a kung fu film. I held in my pee to shove 5 pieces of watermelon in my mouth while simultaneously making myself a coffee cocktail called a Russian Influence. It was basically a coffeed up White Russian with rum, coffee liqour by Virago's, coffee, milk, and simple syrup over ice. FUCK it was boozy AND delicious. I was drunk and buzzin' by the end of my morning constitutional. 

It's so easy to cheat in the home for breakfast. That's just what I did again. Last week it was a burrito. This Cheat Day? Bagel baby! Boom! Better Believe Bagels Be Bumpin Bumkins! Blammo! "Okay, that's enough." I'm sorry! But, this wasn't any old bagel, OH NO! This was a corn, cheddar, jalapeno bagel from Call Your Mother's Bagelria in D.C. I stuffed half of it with MORE cheddar and an egg. On the other half?! Smother that bad boy in cream cheese, NAWM SAYIN?! Also, Sally Small Stomach, whom had the pleasure of cheating with me, only wanted half of her bagel...so YEAH, I smothered the other half of her bagel in cream cheese and ate that too and washed it all down with a fruit smoothie!

Bagel Sammy + A Fruit Smoothie

After all that bagel I looked at the clock. It read 10AM. Time for a fuckin' BEER. I went back to the oldest brewery in the world for my first beer this cheat day for a Weihenstephaner Helles. Delicious! For a good breakfast beer. Always go to Helles. 😉

Next, Sally and I had an errand to run, luckily it involved food. It was a farmers market. "WOMP WOMP" Yeah, they have veggies and shit there, jerky...fresh fish, ya know? Stuff I can always eat. But you know what else they have? This soft, delicious, cinnamony, mapley waffle! I got me one and ate it as I walked around looking at all the yuppies....I MEAN LOCALS! Man what a treat! Errand complete. Upon getting back to the home base I decided it was time for a second Weihenstephaner Helles. Boom. A nice light buzz is always appropriate to maintain on Cheat Day.

In all it's glory.

You guys know I'm Buff AF now right? Like, TOTALLY Buff. And, I can't stay that way by doing nothing but this totally rad diet...I'll get to skinny. So, I had to lift some weights. And, even though I'd like to, I did NOT eat during my Cheat Day weights sesh. That only took about 45 minutes to an hour and after that I was back friggin' AT IT! The moment you've all been waiting for! For lunch was a big ass bowl of FETTUCCINE ALFREDO. Fresh pasta from Vace in Bethesda and some delicious homemade alfredo concoction. It's the 13 year old American boy in me who had to have it! Fancy Mac 'N Chee! A dish that hails ALL the way from Olive Garden! Mother of god it was the winner of the Day. POINT. AND. PUMP. Nothing can stop it! Or can it?!

A Squisitos Tomato Pie

What can't you do on a Cheat Day? "Ummm maybe don't like crash a pool party you fat idiot!" Too fucking bad! Cause that's what I did! Oh, nice to meet you Herman, ya sweet old man, now get out of my way! I'm takin a slice of your pizza and garlic bread and I'm EATING IT IN YOUR POOL! Squisitos is a serviceable choice and a stupid name for free backyard pool pizza and such. After making an ass of myself and a cancer out of my skin it was time to head back to home base to shower off.

Marsha^3 + Cheese Plate

God I'm hot, tired and full. But, the day's not over! All I've had to eat so far on this Cheat Day is Breakfast, Lunch and second Lunch. "What's going to tide you over until dinner?" COCKTAIL HOUR you CLAUDES! This week's cocktail? The Marsha Marsha Marsha. It's a VERY boozy whisky drink, aptly described as a "rum and rye Manhattan." Don't let the boozy description scare you, it's incredibly sipable and I highly recommend it for any whiskey, old fashioned or Manhattan fan for a very tasty change of pace. Also, it pairs well with CHEESE AND WATERMELON! That's right, that's more watermelon on fresh mozzarella sprinkled with a little fig balsamic! MADONE! 👌

"When the fuck is dinner?!" YEAH! I'm ready to Dine FUCKING IN! It's dim sum baby! Chinese shareables. Now, ya'll maw-fugglers know I HATE to share my food. But, if that's what we're doing THE MORE THE MERRIER! My "Party of 5" walks up to the Han Palace in Woodley Park and get sat at a table for 4. Now, if you don't know me, I take up enough space for 2. So we are REAL cramped at this table. Nothing fazes me though, it's Cheat Day! I order a Mai Tai, and fast - gotta maintain that buzz! Am I hungry? NO! Could I eat?! FUCK YEAH! We get to ordering, everyone is throwing dishes out there to the waitress. It's like music to my ears!

A pitcher of cold sake, soup dumplings, roasted pork buns, scallion pancake, beef pancake all get shouted out for the table! That's just to start! One of my table mates asks the fat old lady next to him what the FUCK she's eating. She's VERY American, so she say "General Tso's!" Yeah no shit, coulda taken a stab in the dark at that one, but guess what?! ADD IT TO THE TAB SERVER, we're fat Americans too and we want some! We'll take some crispy beef and the roasted duck with pancake all for the table to share as well while we're at it. And guess what?! It's all going into my mouth!

Just as we get to folding up our menus to hand over to the server she sharply suggest that "maybe you should order some vegetables." She's loud about it too, like she's calling us out in front of the class. My table mates quickly oblige with some spicy & sour cucumber and some pickled radish in order to not be shamed any further. I, on the other hand, have no shame. I maintain my out stretched arm holding up the menu in front of her face as if to say, "Vegetables? Not today lady. Not on Cheat Day. Not on your life!"

"Tell us what was the best you douche!" Okay, alright...that's easy. the buns and the duck. Although, I could eat those soup dumplings until I spill over. PHEW! 

We closed up and spilled out into the sidewalk and went a couple doors down the Sherry's Wine & Spirits. This was a labyrinth of a liquor store where I was told I could find my beloved, Stiegl Goldbrau. I was told correctly. I bought a couple sixers to save for later, but of course I popped one drink while I walked down the street on my continued Cheat Day journey. Thank you Sherry's. 

There was really only one place left for a douche as drunk and full as me could go on what's left of his Cheat Day, Adams Morgan. So my "Party of 5" walked along, stopping part way for a delicious banana gelato at Pitango, before we made it to Jack Rose, a douchey whiskey bar. I like whiskey! Hey, I'm a douche! PERFECT. After waiting in line for some over priced cocktails I was able to taste: "It's a Smash", "I got My Peaches from Kentucky", and "Spill the Tea." The latter of the three won the taste test. None of it is worth the trip, especially if you cannot stand a douchey environment and/or hate whiskey. To cap off the outting I accompanied what was left of my slowly dwindling party to Pitchers, Adams Morgan's neighborhood gay/baseball bar! I ordered two National Bohemians, a local bad beer known as Natty Bohs to the locals, which I enjoyed thoroughly in the air condition before feeling the need to wind this Cheat Day down for the evening.   

Pitango

Jack Rose Terrace

Enjoying Natty Boh

                               

Winding it down, of course, means enjoying a nice Fat Banana ice cream sandwich from Nightingale's and a Bending Time on the rocks from Dogfish Head while I slowly pass out in bed, drink in hand and half an ice cream sandwich hanging out of my mouth. I've gotta say Fat Banana is hands down the best ice cream sandwich ever made, and by a lot. Bending Time is a delicious liquor concoction by Dogfish Head fit for any season and any time of day. A ridiculous way to close another ridiculous Cheat Day.

Fat Banana

Boy Howdy! What a good one! Ya'll still with me?! Thank for reading. Ya know I couldn't write this nonsense every week without your support. Now...FOR RESULTS! I measured mid-day Monday and the following came out:

NIPS: 47 1/4 in. (1/4 of an inch LARGER! GASP!) 
Belly Button: 44 1/4 in. (3/4 in. SMALLER!!! WOOOP!)
HIPS: 42 1/4 in. (1 1/4 in SMALLER...hoohooHE Hoho...Oh my...trying not to lose too much here. I like my badonk a donk to have a lil'bit of junk.)
GTP: 116mm (UP 1MM! THAT'S right people. FEEL THE GIRTH!)

There you have it! The diet continues to work. Not as well as the first week, but that stands to reason. Also, I can explain the NIPS measurement results, alright. I had a rockin' chest/tris day this week....so that's ya know...that's just me gettin' swole that's all! 

Finally, I would like to take a moment to tip my hat to a few dishes that truly make this diet what it is. It wouldn't work without them! They are the behind the scenes, workin' man's diets that make the whole show roll! A few honorable mentions are:

Chorizo Breakfast Scramble: Chorizo, egg, peppers, onions
Lamb Stew: Lamb, crushed tomato, chick peas, onion, carrots, spinach
Chicken Garam Masala: Chicken breast, broccoli, cauliflower, peppers, onions, asparagus
The BIG Salad: Mixed greens, buffaloed rotisserie chicken, olives, pickle de gallo, peppers, cucumber, carrots, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, hummus, hard boiled egg.
General Food Snack HEROES: Pickles, avocado, jerky, peanuts, cashews, hummus, baby carrots, seltzers, vodka, red wine. 

That's it cheaters! See ya'll next week! Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach