HOLY SHIT y'all! That's right, I'm southern again, SO WHAT?! Gettin' DOWN'N'DIRTY, cheatin' SOUTHERN STYLE! What a wild weekend and a seriously raunchy cheat day to boot. Strap in cheaters cause this one slaps.
Friday night, Tim Barry plays in Richmond. Friends are in town. Some friends I haven't seen in a decade are there. It's a musical celebration. I sing along with every song at the top of my lungs, as did everyone else in the joint. COVID much? I don't fucking care! GIVE IT TO ME! Tim Barry preaches and he makes you feel things. All sorts of things...in your heart. In your gut. And deep DEEP down in yer loins as well. My man! He ends the night with a dance party.
My crew is hammered and hungry, so even though I cannot partake I drive them through the drive thru of a Cookout. It won't be too long before I return there on an actual Cheat Day. Southerners know what THE FUCK I'M TALKIN' ABOUT! It's L to the Max's first time in VA so I tell her to get the cook out tray and make it fuckin' sing. McD is no stranger to Cookout, so I let him do his thang. Jimmy Mac (the fastest gun east of the Mississippi) orders a hot dog with Ketchup. L to the Max from Chi-Town about ripped his god damn throat out over that one.
The janky ass drive thru box was tough to navigate with a car full of drunks. After the order for the hot dog was placed either the dork working the radio can't hear me...or he's yankin' my crank "Anything else?" he asked.
"Yeah, a hot dog with ketchup!" I yell as politely as possible, getting a little peckish and knowing I would not be partaking in any of these delicious food items.
"Garble garble Garble..An- -ing...ELSE?" Says the giant pimple working the cans.
"A HOT DOG WITH KETCHUP!" I shout, again as politely as possible, growing increasingly more frustrated.
"A-y Th-g Else?!" is shouted once again and this time I think this fucking PIP SQUEAK is DARING ME to break my Cheat Day code and I'm about to seriously let him have it-
"A HOT DOG WITH KETCHU-"
"I got the hot dog, anything else?" Says the nerd
"NO!" No, god dammit. Mother fucker, does it sound like theres anything else. Jesus H. Sigh. I let it go. My crew and I laugh it off and they enjoy their delicious snacks as I drive home hungry as fuck. I eat slices of lunch meat and hummus at home then try to fall asleep as quickly as possible. For tomorrow, it is my turn!
I wake up late for the day so I shove the end piece of a loaf of bread in my mouth before gathering up the crew for a most important Cheat Day breakfast bonanza.
First Stop? Early Bird Biscuit. I'll just say it now. Maw Fuggin Point.And.Pump. Maw fugglers! Ya dig? Shit's good. Real good. There's a medium wait in a line but I'm not sweatin' it none cause Cheat Day don't care if there's lines, Cheat Day gon git what Cheat Day wants.
Once we order, our food is up QUICK. Representin' VA I order a VA Ham Biscuit sammy....wait for it! AND a Saturday Meat Lovers special ...sammy. The ham biscuit was no frills deliciousness, just nice salty ham and a fluffy, buttery square biscuit.
THE SATURDAY SPECIAL?! Instantly a top 3 biscuit I've ever effing tasted! The cheese to bite ratio was immaculate, the biscuit held fast and true, the meat omelet consisted of bacon bits and chunks of delicious sausage with some peppers and onions for flavor. CHEESEY. FLAKEY. BUTTERY. MEATY! Last week I said breakfast is easy enough to do at home. THIS PLACE took a tasty DUMP all over that notion. GO GIT you one!
I munched down on both my biscuits in the car, making a mess of crumbs in my crotch all the way to
Country Style Donuts, a classic Richmond staple. Country Style looks like a real shit hole. That's how you know it's gonna be tits. It's a shack off the side of a country road near the Richmond airport. It's a dingy dive of a donut shop. There's a 13-inch old tube tv mounted to a corner next to the menu playing news from 1987. Donuts sit stacked behind the counter ready to be devoured. Apple Fritters and Cinnamon Rolls twice the size of my FAT head sit in the glass case that makes up the counter. If heaven doesn't exist send me to Country Style Donuts when I die.
I order half a dozen for no other reason besides it is FUGGIN Cheat Day, c'mon now how many times do I have to say it?! I get two chocolate creme, two glazed, a Boston creme, and a fuckin' jelly. I pound one of the chocolate creme's in the car just gettin' my crotch DUSTED in powdered sugar. Between the biscuit crumbs and the powdered sugar, my crotch has never tasted so delicious. The donut? amazing. Many moons ago I lived by this ol'country donut shack. It already was my favorite donut ever in the history of the world and it continues to hold that title. It's soft, doughy, sweet, sugary, chocolatey, and large UGH! I want another one right now! Maybe next time on Cheat Day.
Time is somewhat of the essence on this Cheat Day as Richmond's favorite band,
AVAIL is throwing a big festival on
Brown's Island this Cheat Day'eve. It's already around noon so we gots to get back to the house to regroup. Broman and Mrs. Broman, along with my slumlord meet my motley crew back at the crib. Did someone say hair of the dog?! BEERS BEERS BEERS CHEESE COCKTAILS AND BEERS! Booze will perk me up good. I get to knockin' back 3 Stiegl Golds and a Millie Lite or 2. This Cheat Day's charcuterie board is VERY fuckin' cheesey. The slumlord pops open his cocktail book and looks for a cheat day cocktail that we've got ingredients for and can serve up to everyone. Whiskey's my spirit and that's our base for the "Brooklyn" cocktail. It's not bad, but much like the borough that is it's namesake it is
just plain not as good as Manhattan.
Sufficiently drunk and full, we're still met with hours to kill before the big show. We decide to venture out into the ridiculous Richmond heat for a contest. The game? Disc Golf, a huge local and possibly international sensation sweeping the land. It's like playing fetch...WITH YOURSELF. Can you drink?! Not legally. Does Cheat Day care? DO I even have to fucking ASK?! I get to tossin' Millie Lites out to anyone who wants one. I drink a can of rosé. I slide all my bottles and cans up in my maw fuggin' robo coozy to keep em nice and cool. Broman and and Mrs. Broman bring out some of her patented cookie dough dip with pretzels to snack on. Uhoh...here it comes... Point. AND. PUMP! This DElicious home made dip delights! She wouldn't tell me what was in it cause...I guess it's not healthy. PFFF I asked her, I asked, "Do you think Cheat Day fucking CARES?! Cause it doesn't!"
 |
| Look Closely For Cookie Dough Dip and the Robo-Coozy Under My Arm |
"Cream cheese" she says, "it's mostly cream cheese." Well it's still delicious anyway! Go figure it out for yourselves and give your mouth a party people!
I have a great time on the front 9 of Bryan Park, but it's time for Cheat Day's main event, AVAIL live at Brown's Island. Richmond's favorite sons will be gracing such a large stage and I am über effing stoked for it! McD drives us down to the event. Once we get through security I pop a gummy which I successfully sneak in through the gates (CHEAT DAY!). We march straight up to...Where else?! THE BEER TENT! The line is long. The clouds over head? Dark and ominous. We get to the front. Lightning strikes. Literally. Instead of ordering a beer, some weather patsy tells me they are clearing the island until at least half an hour after the last lightning strike. "Fuuuuuuuck YOU! Oh, like we AREN'T gonna get struck by lightning over there on the other side of the canal?! WHATEVER MAN!"
My crew and I leave, find a nearby piece of sheet metal and hide under the tallest tree we can find. After quickly tiring of that we say, "FUCK I want a beer and some food (CHEAT DAY!)" and we walk our asses up a giant hill to go to Penny Lane Pub to wait out the storm. This was a perfect idea. Not only do they serve up delicious Carlsberg on tap but they have a pretty tasty British themed pub food menu. I get myself a Will and Kate Plate (Whoever the fuck they are) which is a decent sausage (pfff Brits) in a very lovely fluffy and flakey Cornish Pastey served with a big old cup of gravy. MMMMMM gravy.
ALSO! I got me the Irish Cheese Fries. Simple! Cheesy! Delicious! The cheese sauce on dem jammers was spicy AF too! Just like I like it. So flavorful. So bad for you. So worth it. So Cheat Day. The pot gummy kicks in. I acknowledge how drunk I am. I crush my food and I stop drinking for a moment. We notice other festival goers closing out and heading back down to the show, so we follow suit. THANK GOD it's all down hill! The weather feels so much better after the storm and as the sun sets. It actually works out nicely.
We set up our lawn chairs at a great space about halfway between the stage...and the food trucks. Cause ya'll know Cheat Day ain't over and ya'll know I'm older and wiser so papa gots to sits. I may be drunk and high and fading fast but it's only about 7 PM at this point! Let's GO! I sit in my chair and stare a while. Half the group goes to get some beers. I drink one OF COURSE. Afterwards that drunken queasiness comes back. "Let me ask yous again....does Cheat Day care?!" It does not.
I stand and go for a walk to get some air. The food trucks seemed like a nice distance away for a walk. The only thing I knew I wanted was Funnel Cake. Why are festivals and carnivals the only place to get funnel cake for fucks sake?! Sometimes I might just want a god damn funnel cake. Jimmy Mac (The fastest gun east of the Mississippi) escorts me to make sure I don't fall over. What a guy. We decide on the 4 brothers truck. They do burgers and Cheesesteaks. I opt for a Cheesesteak on top of the Funnel Cake. Not literally on top, YOU ANIMALS!
The Cheesesteak and Funnel Cake come out so quick I could barely believe it. The Cheesesteak is salty and mediocre and the cheesewiz they put on it wasn't anywhere NEAR as good as that cheese sauce from Penny Lane. Worth it? Cheat Day don't care. The Funnel Cake?! FUCKING PERFECT! It was basically like little fried dough fries covered in crystalized sugar! MY GOD! So much god damn sugar. It's the best. Everywhere should have it as a dessert option.
AVAIL takes the stage. The band, the cheesesteak, the funnel cake and the sitting in my chair during an opener and a half have me back in it! 100%! AVAIL fucking RIP! Big surprise. The CSX trains roll by and get their own choo choo train solo, which if you know anything about AVAIL this is pretty fucking poetic. The weather stays decent too. It was a beautiful thing.
After the show we walk our asses all the way back up the hill to the car. Stop at 7-11 on the way home for a last ditch Cheat Day effort: Taquitos, Snickers and Dr. Pepper mixed with Cream Soda. CHEAT DAY! NO FRUIT EDITION! I can also say that Dr. Pepper mixed with Cream Soda is pretty fucking tasty. I'm not huge on Sodas but MY GOD is that one delicious. WORTH IT!
After all of that I woke up the day after Cheat Day a little worse for the wear, but I managed to get myself measured and I lost some serious inches yet again! BOO-YA BABY! Ya'll want the numbers?! I know you want those numbers! Here they are:
NIPS: 46 in (DOWN 1 3/4 inches! SO SKENNY BOTCH!)
BB: 43 7/8 in (DOWN 3/8ths of an inch, STILL LOSIN')
HIPS: 42 1/4 in (THE SAME, which is what this booty is lookin' for!)
GTP: 119 MM (HOLY SHIT, SHIT'S SWINGIN'!)
Wow, I love it. I love Cheat Day. I love it every gosh darn week. It makes the rest of the week oh so worth it. The rest of the week gets easier and easier thanks to meals like this:
Greek Salad with grilled chicken breast and without feta
Brats and sauerkraut
Spicy cooked shrimp with bulgur
Fried eggs with guacamole
Foods to snack on: Peanuts, jerky, lunch meat, hard boiled eggs, celery with peanut butter
Damn ya'll. What a great way to lose weight. Give yourself something to look forward to. Do yourself a favor and deny yourself some wonderful things long enough until you really really deserve them. Go to a show. Get together with old friends. Laugh so hard you might puke. Go get a tattoo to remember it all by. Eat a specialty biscuit from Early Bird Biscuits. God dammit listen to Tim Barry and Avail!
Take care of yourselves, take care of each other and eat like your life depends on it.
ELE,
Zach
