Boozin' Is BAD Mmmkay, You Shouldn't Try To Lose Weight On Booze.

Hey Cheaters, what's up... it's Zach, yer #1 Cheatin' ASS Mofuga here, comin' at ya. At least I thought I cheated like a beast until this past weekend. Here I am, 7 weeks in and I am back to where I started weight wise and if you don't know where that is than TOUGH, I ain't tellin' ya! Go back and read my other posts! Basically the long and the short of it is that I have just been losing 5 pounds one week and then gaining it right back the next. Why is this happening to me?! I don't FUCKING KNOW, but it's time to get serious.

Fatty Fatty Buttcrack

I'm dropping booze during the week. SORRY friends of mine, but meet up with me on mo fuggin' cheat day and we'll throw down. This is huge. I also am going to cut out eating past a certain hour. And, finally, I need to cut back on the good non-cheat foods: peanuts, hummus, avocado, and BEANS. GOD DAMMIT, that's what is keeping me afloat, BUT I CAN DO THIS! Sticking with mostly veggies and lean protein, let's FUCK!

Now before you get yall's panties in a twist, thinkin' all. "AWW Zach's having trouble I bet he didn't fat his ass up this cheat day!"

Well LAY OFF ME, I'M NOT STARVIN'!...see what I did there?

Anyway, this past Cheat Day I was NOT prepared with any delicious treats for me to tear into as soon as I hoped off the scale. As fun as this is, if I am even going to come close to my goal this is a tactic I am going to have to consider keeping. Liz's aunt and cousin were in town this past weekend so she and I waited around for them to get ready so we could munch some brunch down at our favorite diner Danny's Egghead, only to find out the sombitch was CLOSED as a mother fucker. If this post is revealing this news to you I am very sorry Danny's fans. I am still not 100% sure what happened and I hope they return to us soon. So, starving as I was, we doubled back to a brunch spot closer to where we live called Marmalade.

www.marmaladechicago.com

Corned Beef Hash (not the side FYI)

Marmalade was delish! Definitely better than the first time I had it. I ate the Chicken Biscuits and Gravy and a side of corned beef hash. Let me start by saying, the corned beef hash, only cheat-qualifying because they had legit home-fries up in dere, was the absolute BEST corned beef hash I have EVER eaten! GO GET IT AND TELL ME I'M WRONG! It was not only legit corned beef with hash browns but it also had a slight hint of that shitty canned corned beef yer mama gave you for Sunday breakfast on summer vacation!

As for the chicken and biscuits and gravy, the flavor was bomb, but everything was a little dry. But let's be honest people, HOW can you go wrong with fried chicken tenders, bacon-bit stuffed biscuits, and sausage gravy on a CHEAT DAY! Ya CAN'T! PLUS the helping was massive, and you KNOW I ate all dat shit! WHAT?!

FINE art at it's FINEST

On we went to the Art Institute, cause we was touristy AF this Cheat Day. We saw all that "good-good" talkin' Monet, Manet, Hopper, Picasso, Seurat, Dali, van Gogh, Gauguin plus a room filled with inflatable fish! It was tight! We left and walked to the Nutella cafe. That's right everyone NOT in Chicago, our downtown has a touristy-ASS Nutella Cafe that puts Nutella up in EVERYTHING, including a Nutella gelato. I had Nutella stuffed cookies, and it was excellent.

Game Over Man!

Later on I drank about 5 Miller High Lifes, about 3 Liters of Steigl Goldbrau, and then devoured a large pepperoni and jalapeno pizza, large cheesy bread, and buffalo wings from Sarpino's with Brian, Rob, and Tony while we struggled to watch "Game Over Man!" that Workaholics Netflix movie. I didn't make it through to the end, probably because it's not very good. But WHATEVER! Successful CHEAT DAY, even though it probably shouldn't have been that successful.

Whatever man, I'm taking a step back from the booze, I'm gonna hop back on my bike and ride everywhere again, and I am gonna eat even righter. Cause pretty soon I'm going to need to fit in suits for weddings and I want to look hot AS FUCK. Go listen to Chooch Chat! And remember! Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. And eat like your life depended on it!

ELE,
Zach Finch

Don't Over Extend Yourself

Sup Cheaters! Post 2 coming at you! Let's start with the business breakdown. I am embarrassed to say that I mother fucking GAINED a pound from last Saturday! I KNOW! Duh FUQ?! I honest to god stuck to the Slow Carb diet to a T! When I weighed in Saturday morning at about 8:45AM  the scale landed at 263.6. I had to check 3 times and sure enough it stopped there every time. THIS IS BULLSHIT! But, I think I know what went wrong.

Skinny Face Selfie

FIRST OF ALL I didn't take a pre-weigh in DUMP. "HUGE mistake you big dumb IDIOT!" I know I know, LAY OFF! Also, I ate a few too many peanuts the night before, delicious peanuts. I understand that weight fluctuates and that this doesn't NECESSARILY mean I'm getting fatter, in fact I know I am not. My face has already begun eating itself. However, to wake up with a sunken face and feeling all the energy of an 18 year old and to see that you GAINED a pound after forcing yourself to eat nothing but complex carbs, healthy fats, meats and vegetables all week is a serious downer.

THE PERKS of this butt fucking diet are endless, however, regardless of what some scale tells me. As I mentioned previously, the boundless energy that I have obtained having not only stripped myself of carbs but also of booze for the month is a godsend. It is honestly incredible. I feel much lighter over all, I don't just pass out or crash any old time at any old place, and I am a LOT more focused on accomplishing things. For instance, I have taken up this blog again, I have started a second podcast beside Chooch Chat called The Poopcast and we are also well on our way to producing the second season of a web-series I started with Tony Giamichael called A Bit Touched. Not only that, but on this particular cheat day I booked myself two different auditions for theatre shows which served as the bread of a Chooch sandwich this past Saturday.

Poopcast Pilot Click Here

This brings me to the title of this particular blog entry. DO NOT over extend yourself on cheat day. My non-food related schedule this cheat day was as follows: Audition 1 at 10AM, 11 AM A Bit Touched read through, 12PM Chooch Chat recording, 1:30PM A Bit Touched rewrites, and then all the way to Evanston, IL at 4:50PM for Audition #2! That's a slam packed day leaving little time to relish in Cheat Day activiy, i.e. gorging yourself on what you need, carbs, cheese, sugars, and LOTS OF THEM. Of course, I say this now, but wait til you hear what I managed to eat on cheat day regardless, cause I was DAMNED if I was going to let that one little pound keep me from cheating my DICK OFF!

Upcoming Chooch Chat Episode Click here

I woke up with enough time before the audition to eat about 6 double stuffed Oreos and a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. After that I reverse-desserted by slicing up some sharp cheddar cheese and slapping it on Triscuits. This really fucked my stomach up which, now that I am thinking about it, didn't do me any favors at audition 1, I DID botch it a little...womp womp. After audtion 1 I had to bike my ass over to our Chooch meeting as fast as I could. Luckily where we meet for the Chooch Train is stocked with deliciously cheat-a-rific foods! While there I ate a smorgasbord of old valentines heart-shaped jelly cookies, chocolate pound cake, oranges (reminder: not allowed on the slow carb diet), candied oranges, various Italian breads and cheeses, and finally rotisserie chicken sammies on hawaiian rolls with cheese and sauces! GOD DAMN! My mouth is watering, I knew I shouldn't have complained earlier in this post.

I had to RUSH out of the Chooch Meet to get to audition 2. I slipped and fell on my ass in the snow as I hopped in an Uber to get up to Evanston on time. I nailed the second audition and got myself a call back, which completely made the entire over-extended day justified. Getting a call back is the equivalent to a firm pat on that back with an "attaboy" in the acting world. I left the 2nd audition to go watch the WVU @ KU Men's College Basketball game and eat the shit out of some Sarpino's Pizza. I know I promised a Chicago restaurant review last week so I guess will be reviewing the Sarpino's pizza chain's delivery.

Sarpino's Website

Sarpino's is actually an international chain headquarted in Singapore. It's US headquarter's is in the Chicago adjacent Lincolnshire, IL. It's U.S. locales include:

Chicago metropolitan area (23 stores)
Minneapolis–Saint Paul (10 stores)
Kansas City metropolitan area (8 stores)
Greater Houston (2 stores)
Greater Austin (1 stores)
Atlanta, GA (1 store)[4]
Clive, IA (1 store)
Fort Lauderdale, FL (2 stores)
Moorhead, MN (1 store)

It's fine pizza. Probably better than Domino's and as good as Pizza Hut and Papa John's. It's nothing to write home about and it is affordable enough. It is what it is. It does the trick. Any other cliches I can throw out to let you know that it's mediocre? Bottom line is that it is carbs, cheese, grease, butter, ranch dressing, etc. Pizza is essentially the perfect cheat day food and Sarpino's did it this time. Next cheat day pizza I'll be looking for is some Jett's Pizza. Also, just a heads up I WILL be eating Taco Bell next week, so get ready for that. Alright cheaters, until next time: take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and eat like your life depended on it!

ELE,
Zach Finch