Just a Couple Of Dogs on the Road
HOkay Cheaters, confession time. Cheatin’ life is a hard life. It is not for everybody. Every cheater cheats. Every cheater strays. It’s tough AF to cheat on a roadtrip. It’s also tough not to cheat. This Cheat Day, I was on the road 6+ hours of the day. That’s nearly half of my daily waking hours! Sure, there are cheat-tastic snacks your can munch on while driving, but you can’t GET DOWN on some real heart stoppers like you can in the booth of a greasy spoon.
I’m telling you this to say I did what I could this past Cheat Day. So, sit back and enjoy the first Cheat Day Road Trip. 
I BUSTED out of bed early, this time not just cause of Cheat Day, but because I got places to GO! I know I’ve got much of my day goin’ to the road so I waste no bidness. I cram a banana, and banana poppy MUFFIC and, inspired by Paddington the bear I make myself a marmalade sandwich on white bread and inhale it. While I lick the stickiness off my fingys I load the car up with road snacks purchased in preparation: oranges, cherries, bananas…gettin’ FRUITY today MAWfugs! I also loaded the bad boy up with twizzlers, junior mints, peanut butter cup filled trail mix and KETTLE COOKED mesquite BBQ lays potato chips. Ready Freddy? Let’s go!
I knew I couldn’t just skip town without more treats than this, so before hitting the road for Asheville, NC my companions and I make a stop local Richmond, VA bakery, Sub Rosa. This wood fired oven with a corner store ALREADY has a line out the door but it does not deter us. My good ol’companion, Sally Small Stomach, knows her way around a bakery so with a pat on the butt and belief in my heart I send her into the shop to order for me. She doesn’t let me down.
She comes out with a piece of quiche (as recommended by the internet), a peach/blackberry tart, a jalapeño cheddar pastry, a local honey and brie cheese pastry, a VERY fancy moorish spiced lamb hot pocket and a chocolate and raspberry croissant! WHAT THE FUDGE?! Now we’re cheatin’!
There’s no time to waste, so we bring the WHOLE box of treats into the car for the ride. We hit the road and Sally Small Stomach starts handing me treats one at a time and because I am driving I accept this method of cheat treat delivery. Each bite of each pastry is absolutely delicious. That jalapeño/cheddar pastry was so spicy and flavorful without being painful on the tongue that it caused me to break out into song, the moorish lamb hot pocket was so well spiced and tender that I could have eaten three of them. I, of course, did not. Each of these items was so crisp and fluffy and flakey that it left me the front of me a crusty ass mess. Because you Buzzfeed generation nerds like your BULLSHIT ranked here it goes:
- Chocolate/Raspberry croisant - best croissant coverage I’ve ever had
- Jalapeno/Cheddar pastry - Perfect spice level
- Moorish spiced lamb pocket - I’m a savory guy what can I say.
- Raspberry/peach tart - great seasonal combo
- Honey/Brie Pastry - now I HATE brie cheese with a passion (FIGHT ME FUCKER!), so I can’t give this one a full rating, but they honey on that pastry was dope AF.
- Quiche - it was good, just overhyped by the internet… just another thing on the pile of things the internet ruins.
GREAT! Just 5 hours left on the drive, what do I eat now?! I told yer DUMBASSES I’ll be eating twizzlers, junior mints, trail mix, and TONS AND TONS of Fruit and It’s awesome. I ainn’t gonna kid ya. Fruit was something I seriously missed last week and fixed on making up for it this week. Cherries is a smart and delicious summer road trip snack. They got dem vitamins for ya, but also they be keeping your hands busy while you pop’em one at a time. Giving your tongue and lips a work out, NAW’M SAYIN?! If oranges aren’t in your top 3 fruits to eat any time anywhere then stop reading, you no longer get to enjoy my gluttony. Finally, bananas. Just eat them before they’re gone alight!
We try to stop at a country fudge stand somewhere off I-81 in the middle of Virginia but their dumb hillbilly asses were closed…mid day…on a SATURDAY! They done fucked up and forgot what day it was. I was about to break my bank up in that fudge stand.
Undaunted by this minor set back my companions and I trudged on. We pull up to the little mountain inn where we would be staying and discover that there is an adjacent Taco Bell. It must be my lucky Cheat Day. This here is my 4th Cheat Day back on the horse and I no longer have the patience for no more Taco Bell, even though I am visiting a small country town specifically to indulge in their local fare I cannot deny myself a trip to the bell any longer. Not with one this close! I march my ass across the parking lot to the bell. The staff sees me coming. They start to sweat. I kick the door, the glass shatters. I step through take a big whiff and say, “Smell’s like it’s time for ya’ll to clean the bathrooms.”
To which the shift manager replies, “No sir, we saw you coming and Sandra pissed herself.”
“It’s been known to happen Sandra, go clean yourself up. I’ll make this quick. GIMME ONE A THEM CHEESEY DOUBLE BEEF BURRITOS with a soft taco SUPREME! Yes, it is Cheat Day, but I am here in your one horse mountain town for it’s other food so I will eat lightly…FOR NOW!” I tell the staff. With Sandra out of commission the rest of the staff take their sweet southern time making my two item order. Finally my name is called and I shove the old mountain uber-eats driver lady out of my way to retrieve my sack of bell then take it out the parking lot and take it to the house!
With a belch and a belly slap we move on to local southern grocery chain, Ingles, so I can finally get my ass some GOT DANG beer! I make myself a 6 pack of all NC beers and I drink them throughout the night. Some of you are beer fans and I can tell by the late night drunken messages sliding into my DMs so I’ll get this out of the way now. Here’s the beers (RANKED LIKE I’M A FUGGIN BUZZFEED QUEEN!)
- Farmer Ted’s Blonde Ale - Delicious on a Hot Hike
- Little River - An easy sipper in a country hotel room
- Camper IPA - Not a big IPA guy, but this one is easy peasy
- Sunburst - Love the can and goes real nice with a hot shower
- Hazy Heights - Not memorable
- Green Man ESP - Just not very good IMO.
“Alright FartPinch, quit DICKIN’ us around with your lists and your FAST FOOD. You’re in a complete new place. Tell us where we should eat if we find ourselves unfortunate enough to be in Asheville, NC.”
You got it, dip shits! Next up?! McDonalds. "Awww MAN! C'mon!" And I am NOT kidding. Not just any fuckin’ McDonald’s though! Do I look, act, write, and eat like a fuckin’ PLEEB?! No fucking WAY…well maybe a little. But THIS my friends is known as the world’s fanciest McDonald’s, located just outside of the Biltmore Mansion estate in Asheville. It boasts actual golden arches, a miniature grand/player piano, overly ornate indoor decor, and a staff dressed in tuxedo garb.
“AWWW SHMACK! How was it?”
Alright, stepping down, stepping off. Let me class it up a bit.
The Grove Park Inn in Asheville is a classic and classy southern hotel and resort which boasts some of the most splendid views in all of the blue ridge mountain region. Just ask any search engine, they all say the same thing about the fucking views. They aren’t wrong, but get the fuck over it, alright, we get it, what else you got? We make it in time for a sun set cocktail on the veranda with the best dressed debutants in all of Asheville. My scotch gold rush was VERY strong and smokey, perfect for me. Cough cough. Sally small stomach enjoyed a Paper Plane, fruity and delicious. The booze hit the blood stream like a warm calming blanket. After the drink settled in my stomach I thought maybe it’s time for one more big meal.
Asheville is supposed to have rather large and impressive food scene and so we scour many of the internet lists of best places to eat. This being Cheat Day and all I decide it should be highly Cheat Day friendly. Rocky’s Hot Chicken Shack showed up on ALL the lists and checked a lot of Cheat Day boxes for ol’Fart Pinch. It’s Nashville style fried chicken with dank southern sides and a full fuckin’ bar. CHEAT.DAY! We pull up to the shack and I slap my big cheat dick on the counter.
“I’ll take 4 HOT tenders.” I tell the lady
“Our normal is hotter than most hots, just so you know.” She replies with a hospitable southern mask over her judgmental face.
“Oh, is that so? FIVE HOT TENDERS PLEASE! With some Mac and Cheese and corn pudding on the side! I’ll have an order of fried pickles, cheer wine, one of your local “Pisgah” ales, and a GOD DAMN PIMMS CUMP while I’m at it!” I say with bravado! This is how a man eats on CHEAT DAY!
Rocky’s does not disappoint. It’s a great little indoor/outdoor eatery. Place your order, take your number to your seat and don’t wait too long for some delicious sides and some pretty spot on Nashville style chicken. Again, IF you find yourself in Asheville for some sad reason, this is worth a stop.
Perfectly satisfied with the Cheat Day and road worn I return to the hotel to finish day one my road trip and hope to god I don’t stray too far from the diet out here in the wilderness. Tune in next week to find out how THAT goes. BTW! This week's coveted point and pump goes to SUB ROSA from Richmond.
Meanwhile, here’s how the diet is GOING! I bought a new ACTUAL measuring tape, so if this doesn’t MEASURE UP I blame the legit tape. I will be sticking with it for a few weeks with this new measurement device regardless! Without further ado, my measurements are!
NIPS: 48 inches (UP 2 inches from last week....uh must be the tape measure...AND Chest/Triceps day
Belly Button: 44.5 inches (UP 5/8ths on an inch from last week, not terrible considering the new measuring system)
HIPS: 42.5 inches (UP 1/4 of an inch - keep that booty TOIGHT)
GTP: Back down to 116 mm (getting a little frightened)
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