Warshington D. Cheat Day

AWWWW SHNAP ya'll. It's time! It's back! It's been YEARS since I've posted. Even more years since I've given myself an excuse for a gut fillin'/mouth waterin'/poop chute slidin' weekly holy-day known... as CHEAT DAY. I couldn't be more stoked to the max about this! Come along once again on my journey to cut weight by eating as much of whatever I want!

The quick deets:

• The diet? - Slow Carb Diet RIPPED out of the pages of the The Four Hour Body by a real fucking PSYCHO who is NOT a doctor, scientist, or nutritionist: Tim Ferriss. If you're interested, read about it a bit. There's 0 science involved. I'm pretty sure this LOON just tried it and lost a bunch of weight? Sound familiar?! Yeah, that's because I fuckin' did that too! Am I a LOON?! Read on and find out!
• The food? - 6 days a week I can only eat protein, vegetables, beans and lentils, and VERY particular fruits: avocado and tomato. I'm ALLOWED to eat cottage cheese somehow, but I HATE cottage cheese, so I ain't doin' it.
• The cheating? - 1 day a week is now called Cheat Day. It will normally fall on what used to be Saturday, now it is known as Cheat Day. On this day I can and will eat anything I GOT-DANG want and as fuggin' much of it as it goshdarn PUHLEASE. 
• The numbers? - I am not stepping on a scale. I am doing body measurements. The morning after Cheat Day I was: 47 nips x 45 Belly x 43.5 Hips

                            

Now, I'm gonna tell you a little secret....I've ALREADY STARTED! That's right, one cheat day is already under the old belt. This time in a place I never ever cheated before in all of my life, Washington, D.C.

"But, Zach$, why are you doing this to yourself again? I mean you seemed pretty miserable every day that wasn't cheat day the first couple of times you tried it?" Ummmm, gee THANKS. Also, GO FUCK YOURSELF. I'll tell you why: I got FAT again, that's why! Since you last heard from me I took up exercising in a BIG way? How big do you ask? Well my hashtag #bufflikeme is a world wide phenomenon. Everyone loves it, everyone uses it. It's inspired LITERALLY like dozens of people. Literally. If you haven't seen it, take to instagram and check it out the account @fartpinchoutmybutt. 

Well, all of the exercise was really working for me for quite a while. Everyone wanted a piece of my fine buff ass, EVERYONE! But I wouldn't let them have it! Oh, no. Then! After a few years of getting buff day in and day out I really started to work up an appetite, as well as a severe dark deep depression. This made my appetite EVEN WORSE. It seemed like no matter how hard I busted my ass working out I would just eat so much more and undo the majority of the work I had done. Finally, after weeks and months of looking at my big fat GUT in the mirror I said to myself, self - Let's Cheat. So, here we are. Cheat Day Maw-fugglers!

"Hey, tubbs, get to the food would ya? I don't need to hear your sob story you big blubbery BIOTCH." Woah, hey! Calm down, here it comes.

It was kind of a half Cheat Day in that I got started after noon. It was a bit of a split decision. Once it had been decided though, I was off and ready. To start I was escorted to the Union Market District in North East DC. First stop? La Cosecha Latin American Market. PERFECT for me! You know I fucks with that Latin food. This is a delightful little market with many different vendors sporting food from different latin nations. Out in front were vendors peddling icy treats and cold boozy beverages, just perfect for a hot day. 

La Cosecha Interior

Generally this diet demands a cut back in boozing, so EF IT! Let's booze I said. BOOM Serenata DC has a stand with delicious icy bagged cocktails like Caprisuns for adults. I slide up to the lady workin' the stand and I ask, "So, what's the deal? Where can I drink this delicious looking Guava Daquiri?" Ya know? Cause we were still out on the street is all. 

And she goes, get this...she says, "ANYWHERE!"

So I says back to her, I go, "WHAT?! Like we're in New Orleans or Las Vegas?!"

Then she says, "Aww yeah, I that's right!"

Apparently everywhere in the country is getting REAL lackluster about alcohol rules and THAT is A-OK with me! So I took it walking, and it WAS a delight: cold, flavorful, STRONG. Fruity and boozy. Highly recommended. 

La Cosecha is essentially a small upscale mall in the ground floor of a swanky, new-ish, condo building in the gentrified north eat side of the city. It's packed. All of that feels kind of icky. However, the layout is intriguing almost to the point of exciting. Bars and restaurants are tucked in corners, along the walls and sit in the middle of the floor. A donut stand stops me immediately. Why the hell not? Donisima. That's the name. They only have a couple of different options, but one of them is TINY donut holes where you can get essentially every different flavor. I'll TAKE EM! Breakfast DONE.

                                      

I recently discovered a love of Pupusas when I visited Denver. Yeah, that's right, DENVER. Do they have a large El Salvadoran population?! I Don't FUGGIN know! Ask a Denver! ANYWAY, there's a Pupuseria in La Cosecha called La Casita. I got a MIXTA which is a soft corn tortilla just STUFFED with pork chicharron, red bean and cheese. 

While they make up my pupusa I head over to my favorite, the Mexican restaurant! Las Gemelas is basically an upscale Taco Bell. "What the FUCK did you just say?!" You heard me! But, I'll spell it the FUDGE out for you! I ordered a MEXICAN PIZZA with chorizo... as well as a suadero taco. BUT MEXICAN PIZZA!

I take all my orders, struggle to find a seat, and when I finally do I start SHOVING stuff into my mouth. The pupusa is HOT (OUCH) and soft and delicious. It is not the highlight though. The suadero (a thin cut of beef from the intermediate part of the cow between the belly and the leg) taco was packed with flavor. STILL, NOT THE HIGHLIGHT. 

WHAT WAS?! The MEXICAN FUCKING PIZZA duh! Taco Bell wins again! This ain't no Taco Bell Mexican pizza though. This was VERY well crafted. A SYMPHONY of flavors in each bit and never once over powered by the chorizo. Amazing. IncredABLE. (incredible, but said like a sassy frenchie). This is worth going all the way back to this awkward ass mall to get. Trust me. 

Next, we ain't leaving the Union Market district without visiting the Union Market itself. This thing is OG La Cosecha. It boasts far more food stands with a much larger variety of styles and nationalities. They've got butchers, bakers, fish mongers, but also diners, bars, seafood spots, sandwich spots, delis, cafes. It's truly an exciting place for a "foodie" (I hate that word). So I'm going to say for humans who can withstand large crowds and an anxiety inducing number of choices. Nope, that's too long. Foodies it is. For now.

After walking the floor I settle on a hoagie-ish take on the Cuban sandwich from Immigrant Food AND an order of Etouffee from Puddin' Southern Comfort Food. Now, in my age I've grown a bit wiser. I don't dare shove this additional food on top of all the latin food I have just eaten. No! I take it to go for a little later.

On my way back home, more cheat food in tow, I am a gluten not just for food but punishment as well. I stop at a grand opening of a Wegmans in DC. It too is crowded. I get a few essentials for the week, but I also get some BEERS. That's right, they are to be my last ones for a while. If you didn't know already, I'll tell you now. Wegmans boasts an amazing wine, beer, and in participating states liquor section. But this is about BEER! I love German and Austrian beer, so it was an EASY choice. I decided to stick with the old Weihenstephaner Pilsner. I very delicious old beer that I could drink and drink forever. 

"ALRIGHT BEER BOY we get it! How was the food?!" It was AWESOME, what do you think! Etouffee won the day though. It just did. I love cajun food. I am real into that creamy seafood sauce, plus I'm a big rice fan. The Cuban sammy was good, it just wasn't the best cuban sandwich I've had recently. 

All in all. Go the the Union Market in DC, walk around with a drink, and good luck picking just one thing you want to eat. If I were you, I'd make up a reason for a cheat day and head over there then. Want to visit me? Have any questions? Slide into my DMs. 😉

Until Next Time! Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and eat like your life depended on it.

ELE,

Zach

Holi-CHEAT-day

Dinner Cruise

What up you cheatin' ass busters. I am back for a special edition of Cheat Day. Don't Care. A HOLIDAY edition. YES, the holidays are WAY behind us now and NO I am not technically on a diet which ALLOWS for a cheat day, or really any diet specifically right now! Though I am loosely following The Plant Paradox with Liz, in case you are wondering. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT! GOD DAMMIT!

I'm here to talk to you about everyone's favorite Cheat SEASON. A season known for such gluttony that we as a culture have deemed it necessary to declare RESOLUTIONS to prevent us from living like FAT DISGUSTING SLOBS until the end of TIME! Dry January, Gym Memberships, Whole 30, PLANT PARADOX! MY GOD! Please allow me (and yourself) to relive the glory that is the Cheatenist season of them all, the holidays.

Sport Cap

My holiday officially began on December 23rd. But let's face it, my fat ass was snacking on holiday cookies and candy well before that. Try NOVEMBER 23rd FUCKIN' FUCKERS. But this is specifically about my Holiday Break/Vacation to SUNNY CLEARWATER FLORIDA! Where all the scientologists are imprisoned...imprisoned is the scientologist word for live. I landed and I wasn't feeling my best. BUT my ever loving father and brother picked me up from the airport with a 16oz Miller Light SPORT CAP. Sport cap is what we call those aluminum bottles with a cap that twists off and back on again... ya know, so we can get back to playing SPORTS. So what did my exhausted and sick ass do? DRANK DAT SHIIIIIT! It may have been the worst beer I've ever drank before noon.

Parent's Place in FLA

Taco Ring

Taco Pie

I got to my parents' new humble ABODE which is WONDERFUL BTW... If I could eat it I would, but I can't and I didn't. Also, I wasn't feeling well so I was pacing myself. I waited until around dinner time, when my aunt and uncle showed up with their friend from the STOOL of the midwest (Indianapolis), to GET DOWN TO BUSINESS! I cracked open another Sport Cap AND my uncle made me a rather potent Margarita. DELICIOUS. My MA made everyone two of the WHITEST Mexican dishes ever thought up. 1. A Taco RING made by rolling taco fillings up into pillsbury croissants and sorting it into a ring and then baking it. and 2. One of my all time personal favorites the Taco PIE: which you can find in an Old El Paso dinner box kit. It is just as it sounds, flour tortillas staked with taco filling in between each one and then, you guessed in...BAKED. An affordable and delicious way to pack on the calories. Let's not also forget the fixins': olives, shredded cheese, sour cream, lettuce, two different kinds of salsa, and of course a queso DIP. EAT IT ALL!..we did.

The next day was Christmas Eve and we were to be getting on a dusk time dinner cruise buffet! So we didn't eat too much during the day time in order to save room, so once we were on the boat we could PUT IT AWAY. The boat was nice, it was a yacht. It was huge. There were about 130 DINERS on board with just one line for food. We got on FIRST. How's that for Cheaters. We CHARGED the line and got helping 1 before most of the boat was even seated. We laughed and ate in the faces of all the old suckers who hobbled to their tables. The spread was as follows:

-Charred Apple Salad w/Romaine and Baby Lettuces, Cherry Tomatoes Halves, Butternut Squash, Dried Cherries, Roasted Grapes and Cider Dressing (SOUNDS HEALTHY, BOOO, delicious dressing though)

-Roast Baron Beef Round w/Bordelaise Sauce and Herbed Horseradish Aioli (Now we're talkin', but still not exactly CHEAT worthy)

-Sauteed Chicken Breast w/ Roasted Pears, Cranberries and a Honey Glaze (OOOO fruit and "GLAZE" sound like good cheat factors)

-Dijon Horseradish Crusted Salmon over a Lemon Dill Beurre Blanc (Delicious, but again, not bad for you at all)

-Penne Pasta Gratin w/Smoked Gouda (SHOW STOPPER! HERE IT IS, everything CHEAT in one dish...in case you're wondering, which you ARE otherwise you wouldn't still be reading...I had 3.5 helpings)

-Roasted Reg Potato "Scampi" w/Garlic, Olive Oil, Fresh Herbs, and Asiago Cheese (Potatoes BOOM, CHEESE AGAIN BOOM - 2 helpings)

-Steamed Broccoli, Cauliflower and Baby Carrots tossed in a Maple Vinaigrette (I happen to like everything about this dish cheat-worthy or not)

My 1st plate + Pretty Mama

That was the main Holiday Dinner of the trip. It was a fantastic evening. After dinner we enjoyed a slice of either chocolate fudge cake OR a sort of cheese cake. I got the chocolate cake and Nick (my bro) got the cheesecake thing. It was all quite good. We also enjoyed a cocktail or two while cruising around Clearwater sound as the sun set and the weather warmed us. Quite an evening, quite an event. If you find yourself in that area look up Yacht StarShip and TREAT YO SELF!

Christmas Day I got drunk. It was the only day I got "drunk" while in Florida, which was actually really nice. It was fun to not be drunk all the time on a vacay. But! It was also fun to be DRUNK on X-Mas. Let me TAKE YOU THERE. I awoke Christmas morning, pretty much before EVERYBODY just like always, cause I'm still a kid at heart and I went STRAIGHT for my stocking and ate 2 slimjims and some chocolate for breakfast. Merry Cheatmas everyone. Nick and I wanted to get on some Jetskis for X-mas, cause you can do that in Florida in December. But we got stonewalled as apparently if you aren't 30 you need some sort of special small watercraft license from the state of Florida (which you can get online) and young Nick is merely 28 years old. This is just another way for Florida to squeeze a little extra scratch out of our nation's YOUTH. FEH.

Where we get them Rum Runners

Since we got shut down at the Jetski place Nick and I snagged a quick MARG at the tiki bar next door and we played a little foosball (I won). We then went to the tiki bar a few spots down where we left the "adults". We left them there because they LOVE the Rum Runners they serve. 32 ounces for $10! Now that's a fuckin' CHEATMAS MIRACLE. Them bad boys are POTENT too. After that drink and the Margarita I was already pretty tipsy...drunk even. Drunk enough so that when the "adults" decided it was time to move on to my aunt's house where Christmas dinner was to be served I could not drive. Well guess what was at their house waiting for us. BEER!...and Bourbon and Lots.Fucking.Ovit.

You want details?! YOU GOT EM. (Thanks for the assist Nick). My aunt Maureen went traditional for X-Mas dinner. We ate ham, green bean casserole, some mashed taters, and a little side salad. And GUESS WHAT?! I had just one helping (except for the green bean casserole). This was mostly because I was more focused on drinking the delicious Big Storm Brewing Co.'s Tropic Pressure Florida Ale and smoking a nice lil'Montecristo courtesy of Uncle Randy.

The next day Nick had to get on a damn plane and get back to Virginia so we didn't have much time to waste. We went right back to that Jetski stand, license in hand ($10 later), and jetskiid about an hour around Clearwater Beach. It was awesome. We then knocked back another 32oz Rum Runner before I got Nick a lil'taste of sweet home Chicago! That's right, I found us a JET'S PIZZA to stop at on the way to dropping Nick at the airport! WOO! Ho YEAH! JETSJETSJETSJETSJETS! EAT IT UP!

The next couple of days were chill. We didn't eat to much NASTINESS. It was also just me and my folks kickin' it. We took it easy. We took a couple walks. Saw the movie The Mule (1 point and pump). Ate light and ate at home. In preparation for the lovely Liz's arrival I prepared some of my mom's famous brownies, with mom's help. They were delicious as ever. Our cheatin' asses enjoyed them heated with a scoop or two of peppermint ice cream. This is now one of my favorite desserts. Aside from sweets most of what Liz and I ate down in Florida with my folks wasn't very Cheaty. We ate gummy gators, chocolate bars, Pez, candy canes, brownies, cake, and all sorts of other sweets. I drank very little, if at all. We ate LIKE KINGS at a grill out at Aunt Maureen's: I'm talking surf and turf people. DECADENT yes, but CHEATY? Not even close! Oh yeah, they also have Wawas there, so of course I treated myself to a Wawa sub.

The next main event, as well all know, is New Years FUCKIN' Eve! Liz and I took a drive over to Orlando to go to Universal Studios. WHY?! No not Harry Potter you fucking NERDS, Jesus Christ, just stop reading. I'm Talking SPRINGFIELD. SIMPSONS LAND. MOTHER FUGGLERS! It was a dream. There isn't much to Springfield, but the detail is impeccable. The ride is VERY entertaining and fun, as are the carnival games, but most importantly Moe's Tavern is the TITS. I ordered a Duff Beer around noon and Liz had a non-alcoholic Flaming Moe (they are ONLY non-alcoholic, FYI but they are very fun). We then got a donut deemed "The Big Pink" and walked around eating it. Now this isn't the first time I've eaten THE BIG PINK, but it's the first time I ate this donut. It was good, cakey, but good! I enjoyed it.

One thing I'll say about Universal on the whole is, they know what they are doing in regards to line management and set detail. Walking around Diagon Alley was fanciful and magical, walking through lines to get to ride was so entertaining I didn't care when lines too more than half an hour (which was the average by the way) I'll go ahead and rank the rides now. I KNOW IT'S NOT FOOD RELATED BUT IT'S FUCKING FUN! SO FUCK YOU!

1. The Simpsons Ride (I'm a company man, what can I say)
2. Revenge of The Mummy (Haunted House Coaster complete with fire, water, and a surprise ending)
3. ET (Classic, delightful, magical, best enjoyed high off your ass)
4. Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit (The only true coaster on the OG side of the Park, solid coaster, PLUS you get to pick a song you will listen to the whole ride)
5. Men in Black Alien Attack (Best line, made you feel most like you were a part of the movie, also had a nice competitive twist)
6. Fast & Furious Supercharged (Fairly fun line, fun-ish ride, would be better if you weren't crammed on a bus sized car, best projections and actor integration. Who doesn't like The Rock)
7. Race Through New York Starring Jimmy Fallon (Why is this a ride? Was actually delightful, exceeded all expectations...but really...why?)

They Did Conan Dirty

8. Harry Potter and the Escape from Gringotts (This sucked. I'm no hater. Not really anyway. I like the Harry Potter universe. I enjoyed the movies and the few books I read, but this ride essentially took what the Mummy does and waters it down (no water effect pun intended). Not only that but it's got the LONGEST (obvi) SHITTIEST line to wait in. I think Liz and I waited close to 90 minutes and most of it was like waiting in a line at the bank or the DMV or a VERY busy library. So...if that's what they were trying to simulate...good on them. They definitely did it.)

Even waiting in this traffic to get out was somehow more fun than the line to the Harry Potter ride.

Honestly, I would rate the Harry Potter ride as dead LAST in the things that we did at Universal, even after resting in the car before going back in the park for the New Years Countdown, and waiting in line at the lost and found to get Liz's phone back. Fight me NERDS! And I'm done! What did I eat you say!?

Well, OF COURSE Liz and I ate at Krusty Burger, which was essentially classic middle of the road and WAY over priced amusement park food, but WHEN IN SPRINGFIELD! She got a Krusty Burger with cheese and curly fried as well as a sugar free soda. I got THE CLOGGER! (basically a double bacon cheeseburger) with curly fries and a sugar free soda. The sugar free soda is actually a wise choice since we spent all day walking around in the sun. I also capped the night off with one more Duff Beer and Liz got a small sack of candy. We counted down in a large mass of people with a DJ leading the charge and then we immediately got in line for the coaster again. 2019 started with a roller coaster. Here's hoping the year is more of a steady rise to a long and sturdy plateau, or the most boring rollercoaster ever thought up! I will check back in every time I get a little TOO Cheaty. Who knows, maybe I'll do a Super Bowl edition if a certain team makes it. Take care of yourselves! Take care of each other! Eat like your life depended on it!

ELE,
Zach

Are we down with 'em?

NO! They must've seen YOU!

My Maine Cheat Day (WEDDING EDITION)

Hello Cheaters! I went on a trip so I decided to write a travel cheat blog. Although I wouldn't call it cheating, by a DIET stand point. I stopped drinking alcohol for over 3 weeks and I CHEATED on that on my trip to Boston, MA and Portland, ME. So I am going to report to you about all the cheating I did on the trip! How's about that?! That's what I'll do! I'll let you know when I fasted from something and then CHEATED! We all like it when I cheat right?! RIGHT! SO LET'S FUCKIN' RAGE!

I flew into Logan airport in BAHSTIN MAAAAASS at around 9:45AM. Me and my bestest friends James and Christine got into a rental car with a broken radio that I later fixed and sat in horrific traffic on our way to the Cheers Bar. This is a subpar over priced tourist trap that I only recommend you go to if you love the show Cheers and TBH, you SHOULD love the fuckin' show Cheers cause it's a great show, and American classic, a 10 year long slice of life with something for everybody! Anyway. I got a Guinness. That was the first thing I drank to break my sobriety. A Guinness. I know Guinness kind of IS and certainly should be an all year round type of drink, but there's something about a Guinness in the autumn weather that just feels right, ya know?!

I also ordered a $14 meatball sub with fries that was...again, SUB PAR, it was cheesy as FUCK which was nice but there was like negative sauce on the bad boy. The fries were fine. I then noticed on the drafts menu that they offered a "Norm's Pils." Well, obviously, I had to get one of those and chug it as fast as I could and that's what James and I DID!

We didn't eat again for a while, and TBH we didn't really need to because beers and coffees and meatball subs are fucking filling YO. Next place we ate was called Nick's Roast Beef in the Boston adjacent town of Beverly. It was local, dem BOSTONIANS love dere ROAST BEEF. It was basically better, fresher Arby's. They DID have this side called "Broccoli Bites." Don't let the name fool you, if was fried spicy cheese with MINIMAL broccoli floating around in there. They were dank as FUG. For my main course at Nick's I got the Super Beef Plate which consisted of a FUCK ton of fries, a FUCK ton of onion rings and a massive and totally SAUCED Roast Beef sandwich on an onion roll. Good stuff.

James and I each pounded 4 more Guinness we pick up from a local liquor store and promptly passed out around 9:30PM. We were tired lil'bebes. We awoke the next day in Beverly, checked out the town's museum which was kinda cool then went to the local joint Clam Box of Ipswich on our way up to Portland. They boasted pricey boxes of the famed local New England fare clams, oysters, and scallops...ALL FRIED! Now, James HATES sea food, but he at it ANYWAY. The scallops RAWKED my fuggin SAWKS AWF kid. The clams were aight. It was expensive, but I always like to try the local cuisine no matter where I go! It's what they do after all, yer never gonna get it better!

When we got to Portland and we had some time to kill before we could get into our air bnb so we checked out a local lighthouse, very pretty stuff. The lighthouse was a feature at a state park that had lil'food truckies. "WHAT did the food trucks SERVER?!" you ask! Well fuggin' LOBSTAH Rolls kid and WHOPPIE PIES for CHRISSAKES! The Lobster Roll I got was Maine style with a lil mayo and a lemon wedge. Delicious to say the very least. BUT, at $20 a sammy that's not something I recommend anyone making a staple on their trip to New England.

The whoopee pie, for you sweets fans out there, is a Maine/New England dessert staple. It's a glorified Ho-Ho. It's delicious, but it's gigantic. Do yourself a favor and split it with someone, or you will be sure to crash from the the sugar over load.

James, Nick, and I went back to the rental house to get ready for the cocktail hour at local fancy Mediterranean chain, Tiqa. There was an open bar so I downed a couple Vodka sodas, ya know to be classy, before switching to Maker's on the rocks of which I about 4. HEY, I wasn't driving. OH SHIT, yes I was! But later, and then I ended up not. The cocktail hour featured hors d'oeuvres of the mediterranean style. It may have been the best falafel I have ever eaten.

That was all we needed, so we went back to the air bnb where ALL of our friends and family were waiting. Totally awesome bro Derek Shelton brought over this local cheap swill with a lobster on the can that was sub par, it was called Narragansett Fresh Catch. The only thing fresh about it was that it was...actually nothing, there was nothing Fresh about it. Otherwise, we drank Miller Lights til we PASSED OUT.

The next morning James and I had to go to the venue to help set up for the wedding and the reception. We woke up at 7:30, not very happy. We got there a little after 8 and stayed until about 2:30, sometimes working hard and most of the time sitting around waiting to be told what to do. We got coffee and donut holes to stave us off. DUNKIN KID!

When we finally left to get the man of honor ready for his big moment we picked up a sandwich trey, of which I ate 4! That's right 4 fucking sandwiches: 1 roast beef, 1 turkey, and 2 ham. I needed that I guess. The wedding was wonderful. Congrats to the happy couple. Go forth and kill it as adults, although if I may speak frankly Robert was always one of the most adult people I've known. More adult sometimes than my adults...but anyway, NOW he's officially an adult! Good on you brother! And congrats to the ever delightful Becca West for being great, finding a seemingly perfect match and knowing how to pick'em!

SHUT UP AND TELL US WHAT YOU ATE'N'DRANK!

Alright, easy readers! Geez. Just showing a little LOVE over here! GET USED TO IT! The post wedding cocktail hour had a bomb ass meat/cheese/humus spread. I tried not to eat too much because I knew if I did, I'd pass out. So I picked some meat and some cheese off of Liz's plate and started drinking vodka sodas. Dinner was some bomb ass BBQ from a place who's name I DID NOT get, but whatever it was wedding catering. I CRAMMED my plate full of corn, mashed taters, mac'n'cheese, pulled pork, beef brisket, and some so-so chicken. I topped it off with a giant piece of corn bread and slathered everything with a surprisingly spicy BBQ sauce. Everything but the chicken was out of these fucking PANTS good...as in get my DICK out of these fucking pants, I'm about to make some sweet love to some BBQ tonight! For dessert?! NO CAKE, we're MILLENIALS! We were served so donuts and delicious gelato. FUCK YEAH.

For the drinking enthusiast out there, I'll never understand how weddings work. Open bars, drinking all night, as much as you can, and when it's all said and done you just don't feel that drunk. What is that? Anyway, aside from vodka sodas I'd say I knocked back about 2 double bourbon on the rocks, 3 jack and cokes, and 2 gin and tonics. You gotta go with liquor when you ate a plate stacked with BBQ and 4 sandwiches.

The after party was at a weird place called Bubba's. It was basically a mixture between a club and a fucking flea market. Most of our group didn't want to go in so the few of us that did go in didn't stay long. We all drank one or two Miller High Lifes, did a little man on man grinding and left back to meet up with our house crew where we REALLY got to drinking: Bud Lights and Bud Heavys.

The next morning Liz had to be at the airport SUPER early (like 5:30AM) and I opted to drive her. I left the house in my under wear and under shirt and forgot my phone. It was a fun time getting back. When I woke up as it was time for ME to head back to Boston we stopped at some bagel place on our way out. I had a bagel breakfast sammy with ham and egg on an everything bagel that was PRETTY darn good. It didn't quite help with the hangover though, so once in Boston, Nick and I had way later flights than James and Christine so we hunkered down in a bar called the 21st ammendment and drank a little hair'o'the'dog in the form of PBRs and we split a plate of surprisingly delicious buffalo chicken nachos. I definitely recommend them if you find yourself in that dank old pit of a watering hole.

After our 5 hour stay at the 21st Amendment we ubered to Logan and we had about an hour and a half left so we knocked back 2 or 3 more airport pops before boarding our respective flights. All in all a great trip. I wish I had more time with everyone who was there. I wish we all lived closer together. But it sure is fun to be in cheat mode all the time with everybody! Okay, you know what to do. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and eat like your life depended on it.

ELE,
Zach

Still No Cheat Day...No Real Weight Loss Either

Hello what is left of Cheat Nation. I am sad to report that I've lost number one fan, Alex. I get it. If you can't take a Cheat Day blog from a guy who no longer CHEAT DAYS then take a break. But come on back with Cheat Day, because it will be back.

I am 2 weeks strong on the no drinking front. However, if I am to be perfectly honest, I have taken sips of friends beverages and that is it. Nowhere near drunk or buzzed or any of that. I still haven't really lost weight. BUT, I feel better and I've been exercising more, which is probably a direct result from not drinking any longer.

"What have I eaten to treat myself?" you ask? Well...it is SO much harder to remember when it doesn't all take place on one day. So let's work backward.

Yesterday I ate Taco Bell after improv class and then ate some famous Giamichael pasta aliche. Saturday I had a Cuban sangwitch at Dinner Diner. Friday I was good. Thursday I was good. Wednesday, I ate Taco Bell before doing two Stand-Up open mics. And then Tuesday was good.

Fuck, ya'll. I guess I'm pretty boring for you now. BUT, I am doing more stand-up, editing a web series, and I got cast in a production of Picasso at the Lapin Agile. So! I got that going for me! Just a couple more weeks til I can start drinking again! No worries everybody! I'll be back in full force soon! EATEATEATEATEAT like your life depends on it. Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other.

ELE,
Zach

A Laborious Non-Cheat Day

Good Day Cheat Fans! I hope you had a good holiday and I hope you didn't work at all, and if you DID I hope you didn't work hard AT ALL! That's what Labor Day is for after all, not working. So, if you worked on Labor Day and you are working today STOP, only for a few minutes and read this blog, Cheat Day. Don't Care. A blog about my Cheat Day adventures. If you have been with me for a while this is a new edition, a new week, a new cheat day. If you are just joining me, welcome! If you find this one boring, go back and read some of my far crazier adventures.

I had gained weight (2lbs bringing me back to 244) when I weighed in on what would have normally been my Cheat Day. In my last edition I had made mention of the fact that there would be no official Cheat Day for the next few weeks to a month as I drop drinking all together and attempt to focus my efforts for a wedding I am to be involved in this month. I have held strong on the no drinking which is great, BUT I have eaten a few off diet meals. Here is what and why:

Tuesday afternoon I went to a Cubs game (one of the hardest places to NOT drink mind you, they got guys BRINING YOU beer! C'mon!). Anyway, I totally ate Taco Bell before the game so I could get grub on the cheap. I got 2 Beefy 5-Layer Burritos and the new Double Stuffed Cheesy Gordita Crunch and before you fuckers ask, YES I got the nacho cheese Doritos loco taco shell instead of the plain old hard shell. I was disappointed by how stuffed this double stuffed CGC was, but that COULD be because the war zone that is the Wrigleyville taco bell is about to close down and their staff could give two shits about the food, customers, or Taco Bell in general. I think I'm going to try it again at a different Bell.

Here we can share my POP!

Once in the game Nicole Carter gave me a weiner with mustard and onions (ball park dogs are dank as fuck BITCH) even though I TOLD HER I was full from Taco Bell and didn't want anything else! I also ate a few of her fries and the rest of her soft pretzel, but I WASN'T HUNGRY I SWEAR! I just can't leave food behind which is a HUGE problem I have...YUGE.

THEN there was Wednesday. I ate pizza, Papa fucking Johns SHIT pizza cut into god damn Chicago/Midwest SQUARES and not slices because this city for some reason doesn't know what fucking pizza is!...because (sorry) I ate it because I went to the American Blues Theatre fundraiser that Liz put together and that came with the price of admission. I also drank a Sprite. I like Sprite. Oh, OH! Get this, PBR also came with the price of admission, and I totally didn't even drink one! SUCK ON THAT SALLY!

TAKE THE PICTURE!

Then I was pretty good for the next couple days until Sunday when I went to the grocery store and ate two donuts. I also drank a couple of Cherry Cokes. Then on Monday (Labor Day) just before the main event Liz and I got trapped in Margie's Candies from the rain...oh no, SO SAD, what a HORRIBLE place to be trapped...NOT. It was awesome. I got mint chocolate chip in a chocolate dipped with sprinkles waffle cone and Liz got a turtle sundae with birthday cake ice cream and a different kind of ice cream that I can't remember. Margie's Candies fucking RULES! Go get ice cream from there!

Then, for the main event! Logan's BIG SAUSAGE CHALLENGE!!!! BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM! Thanks Logan for making ME a judge! It was a delight. The Conner's are known for their yearly Chili Cook Off in February, but this year they thought they'd try a new challenge. This one was set up like more of a cooking show/challenge. This year there were two teams of 3: Team Law TBD and Team Art. The Law came in hard with a Korean/Mexican fusion sausage in your standard hot dog bun. The sausage was cooked to perfection, though the fusion was more of a FEUDsion as each food style kind of fought for attention with each bit. Then Art had to show up with their make shift sausage patty breakfast sandwich. It was a delicious sandwich, but the toppings: egg, pomegranate slaw, Brussels sprouts, and feta cheese kind of over powered the sausage patty a bit.

The Team of judges!

LOOK! I'm no foodie, I just like to eat dank ass shit, and DANK dis SHIT was. If they put it on again next year and you're around! Attend and partake in some delicious sausage concoctions!

Look at me go, trying not to Cheat Day but still sprinkling some cheat around whenever I get the chance! Here I come Cheeseman wedding! I'm gonna look so HOT in my TUX. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other and eat like your life depended on it.

ELE,
Zach