It's Cheat Week Not Fleet Week!

SWEET BABY CHEAT WEEK Mo-Foggers! Ya' HEARD me! Cheat WEEK! I told ya'll! I told ya'll LAST WEEK on this blog that a road trip was gonna be tough AF! And it was! It really really was. So tough, that I just threw all dietary restrictions out the car window and went whole hog all week long! As a result I did not do my measurements this weekend. FUCKIN' SUE ME! 

You gonna sit there judging me for that? Or would you rather judge me for what I ate all week long, HUH?! Thought so! Now strap in, cause I cheated my way all across the great states of North Cacka-Lacky, Georgia and a little into South Cacka-lacky!

Sunday morning I woke up in the strange and underwhelming Asheville, NC. Sally Small Stomach landed us a brunch rezy at one of the hottest spots in town, Cúrate, a very fancy tapas place. I fucking hate tapas. SMALL plates I have to SHARE?! Get-da-fug-oudda-here! HOWEVER! Despite that fact and despite it being in Asheville, NC, this place was awesome and delicious. Now, it's the day after Cheat Day remember, so I ain't trying to keep goin' full out fatty on cheat food, naw'msayin? Cúrate delivers in this attempt. Lemme break it down.

Kickin' it off, I ordered a DELICIOUS cheat-eriffic coffee and Spanish Brandy drink called a Spanish Coffee with an orange infused whipped cream as a topper. Lemme just say this was the best HWHIPPED cream I have ever had. I could have eaten a tub of it. Sally ordered an espresso with "your preferred spirit" which they chose for her and they chose CORRECTLY. In her coffee was a shot of Cota 45 - Pandorga Esencia de Pedro Ximénez. SUCK ME SIDEWAYS her coffee cocktail might have been the tastiest I have ever had. 

Like I said before, I friggin HATE tapas! So I let Sally Small Stomach do the ordering...and she crushed it. Here are the "small plates" ranked:

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  6. pulpo a la gallega - Octopus with a Potato Puree - I don't mind when octopus is in things, but I get a little squeamish when I can really tell I'm eating octopus. Also, mostly diet friendly with the exception of the puree. I enjoyed it, but it comes in last on my list.
  
• 5. gazpacho - Lisa Simpson's answer to a backyard BBBQ. I can't say I've had a ton of gazpacho in my day, but this one was quite tasty.
• 4. escalivada - roasted peppers, onion and eggplant - VERY diet friendly and let me just say this only ranked so high on my list because of the - 
• 3. No longer on the menu - Skirt Steak...but pork. ALSO diet friendly and boy howdy did it pair well with that escalivada. 
  
  
  
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  2. Chistorra & chips josé's way - Cúrate's spicy chorizo sausage wrapped in a potato chip. Basically Spanish pigs in blankets. Sounds simple and possibly easy to fuck up. Simple? yes. Did they come out fucked up? NOT A CHANCE IN HELL! I was the one who was doing the fucking up of those fancy pigs in blankets. They were perfect! The slight crunch that came from the chip not wrapped around the sausage was so MWAH (chef's kiss)! This comes in at no. 2 but let me tell you, if you happen to have done yourself a disservice by ending up in Asheville but made the right choice and getting it into Cúrate then THIS is the dish you must order.
  
• 1. pincho moruno - the "large plate" (pfff) lamb skewers. I don't toss the phrase "symphony of flavors" loosely...or maybe I do, and MAYBE I'm just a lamb fan, but MMM - Mm - mm.mm.mm.

We, regretfully kicked it around Asheville for a couple more hours just trying to find the charm that people kept talking about and got a couple more treats along the way. We knew we had a large amount of road ahead of us so we decided to kick it up a notch with some caffeine. The stop? French Broad Chocolate Lounge. I got a very cheaty and cheeky Ice Coffee FLOAT with vanilla ice cream cause I'm BASIC HOKAY! Sally got herself an affogato with CHOCOLATE ice cream cause she's always right.

Time to hit the road! STOP NUMBER ONE! Atlanta, Georgia...well Decatur really. Decatur, GA is the Evanston of Atlanta. It's the BETHESDA of Atlanta. It's basically the LARCHMONT of Atlanta. DO YOU FOLLOW ME YET?! It's a nice ritzy suburb/city that has it's own thing going on these days. It's a little red neck and it's a little ritzy. There's a chic donut shop with a line around the block and a busted upred truck with old tires in the back sitting out in a front lawn. I wake up Monday morning feeling pretty proud of myself for how I've eaten on the road trip thus far and I walk down to the local coffee shop in search for a little pep in my step. I find it alright. I go into that shop and order me up an an Iced ZACK! WHAT?! I know! An Iced Zack is essentially an iced red eye at the Kavarna cafe. 

Here's where my road trip diet kind of starts to run off the rails a bit. When lunch time hits we make Ford's BBQ our destination. Can't road trip through the south without stopping for a little BBQ. I get the platter with the pork, the brisket and the jalapeño cheddar sausage with some greens and some Brunswick stew, pretty diet friendly for sure. And YES, my biggest regret of the trip is not just ordering the Super Duty. Anyway, I wash all that down with a fucking WHISKEY AND CHEERWINE though like a fuckin' sugar freak! 

Buzzin', I need more drink and I don't mean BOOZE! I'm talkin' bout that GOD DAMN soda pop! I'm in the MECHA for fuck sake. HOTLANTA is where Coke was born! So I make my way to the WORLD OF COKE museum. It was totally worth it for the tasting room alone. I tasted probably 100 different sodas and didn't even puke ONCE! HOLY CRAP. Here's my breakdown:

• Best - Pinneapple Fanta - It's commonplace but it's true.
• Worst - Beverly - Stupid Name, terrible synthetic and mediciny taste. Just awful. Tasted like what I imagine someone named Beverly might taste like. WOAH! HEY NOW! Watch out!
• Most Interesting - Sour Plum Fanta - tastes like BBQ sauce. I wouldn't drink a whole glass, but it didn't make me need to run and find the Pinneapple Fanta to get it's nasty taste out of my mouth...BEVERLY!

After the World of Coke I blew a 12 year old's mind at his own birthday dinner by informing him that I won $25,000 on a gameshow called The Cube. He also thinks I'm famous because I've been in TV and Commercials. Man, kids are dumb as SHIT. Also, don't worry about what I ate at the dinner, it wasn't much to write about.

What else do you do in HOTLANTA? A Braves game of course! The reigning champs have themselves quite a lovely, if not controversial, new stadium way out in the burbs where the RICHERS live. It's basically like a big Atlanta Braves theme park. After you get out of the parking decks you immediately walk into a miniature town filled with bars, restaurants, candy shops, merch stands, even New Orleans-esque daiquiri bars like Fat Tuesday. This is clearly setup to maximize post-season participation. The park itself is shiny and new AND! I GOT A BEER BAT! CRACK - glugluglug! As well as some cotton candy! FUCK THIS DIET SON! I'm on a ROAD TRIP.

The next day we pack it up and move toward Savannah, but this is a road trip mind you and what good is a road trip without a tourist trap thrown in there? The great Georgian Peach Orchard called Lane's was this tourist's trap of choice! Hey, clean bathroom's I'll give them that. I'll also give them this!: BEEF BRISKET GRILLED CHEESE, FRIED GREEN TOMATOES AND FRIED PIMENTO CHEESE BITES MAW FUGGLERS! CAN I SAY FUCK THIS DIET ANY MORE TIMES! YES, I will be. Food was decent, can't fuck up fried cheese and the raspberry jam they gave me with the order paired surprisingly well. 

HOWEVER! The whole reason for even going is peach cobbler ALA MODE with peach soft serve ice cream. THAT, was legit delish.

Belly full and totally pleased with my tourist trap I make it the rest of the way to sweet sweet Savannah, GA! I'm instantly blown away by the beautiful historical architecture and the haunting live oak trees and spanish moss which line the streets. Unlike Asheville, Savannah delivers on every possible level. It's a fun town just to walk around but there seem to be a ton of fun ways to blow your money there as well. Ways like...

Buying BOOZE and taking it on your walk with you. That's right! Just like New Orleans and Vegas and SHIT seemingly anywhere now depending in what parts of what towns you find yourself, if you waltz into any old spot in Savannah and you ask for a drink to go they just pour it in a plastic cup and you walk it on out the door and down the street to the next place you want to buy a drink. I had a lot of drinks while I was there so I'll rank them later. The only PLACE I want to let ya'll cheatin' ass busters know about based on the drinks is OF COURSE Wet Willie's which is Savannah's MAW FUGGIN' daiquiri bar! ALCHO-SLUSHIES ya'll! AND LOTS OF EM. I CHUGGED, through brain freezes, a MUD SLIDE and a MONSTER MELON. Both delicious and both couldn't be more different from one another. I must say, they hit the spot in the sticky southern summer and they leave a big fat tub like me delightfully buzzed, so if you're normal sized WATCH OUT! It's a chain, I know I get it. They all are. BUT I LOVE THEM!

Here are all of my Savannah Walking Drinks Ranked:

• Peach Sangria  - Bernie's Oyster House - Pumped, primed and pready for action I just went into the first bar I saw and grabbed the most refreshing looking drink on the menu.
• Terrapin Los Bravos local Beer - Quite a refreshing local take on a Mexican Lager
• Half Way Crooks - RADIX - a delicious and refreshing German Style Pils from the area. I love their dedication to German style beers and less so on the IPA in this region.
• Mud Slide - Chocolate Alcho-slushi from Wet Willie's, HOLY HELL a dessert and a drink.
• 1 Whiskey 1 Scotch 1 Beer - The Grey restaurant - it was 3 drinks for $15 bucks at one of the "best restaurants in the country"
• Monkey Business from Tandem Coffee and Spirits - A DELICIOUS iced coffee beverage with banana liqueur and irish cream. I got one two days in a row.
• Monster Melon - Wet Willies - Picked it up on my way out of town and it just really suits my taste. I love it. 

Savannah is very much a walking town and now that I'm boozed up and moving my feet I'm ready to eat. My first meal takes place at Savannah Seafood Shack where I take a low country boil STRAIGHT to the face! It was out of this world good. I could have eaten two. No lie, best corn on the cob I've ever eaten and believe it or not CORN is not diet friendly, so YES I'm still being bad. Oh yeah, the whole bag is steamed and steeped in butter anyway. Crab legs, shrimp, sausage, potato and delicious spices. MMMMmmM. I want another!

The hotel I was in boasted a free breakfast and TACO FUCKIN TUESDAYS where I got some tacos and beer with the cost of staying! OINK OINK OINK! It was standard hotel breakfast, but why spend on breakfast with low country boils like the one I just MONCHED?!

The best Savannah lunch goes to the BOWL O' SOUL at Crystal Beer Parlor. The Bowl O' Soul is creamy grits topped with pulled pork, collard greens, pimento cheese, onion rings and a side of GOT DANG CORN BREAD. SWEET SOUTHERN SUNDAY Suck me Sideways AGAIN!

Finally, we get to din-din numero dos. This here is for all intents and purposes the MAIN EVENT of the whole road trip. This is THE GREY. A restaurant whose chef, Mashama Bailey, has won the most recent BEARD award for outstanding chef. OOOO, well I'll be. PINKYS FUCKING UP! WAIT A MINUTE, It's called The Grey because I'm bout to be eating inside an old Greyhound BUS STATION! Pinkies back down SUCKA! JK, it's awesome inside. The decor is tight...but so are the tables. The menu is PRICKS FIX and a lot like tapas, which ain't my style. But, I go along to get along and if the food is good then it's good and I'm happy. 

The food is good, no doubt. Oysters, I tried one...still not my thing. Tuna appetizer, quite good...keep it coming. HOLD THE FORT! Where'd the food go? Someone dropped the ball and my party and I were left sitting in the cramped table with NOTHING TO EAT for about 45 minutes to an hour. VERY unappreciated at the finest restaurant in the country! Should it not be a well oiled machine? OILED WITH LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY?! They give us free fried rice balls, yipee, they're fine I mean c'mon..they're fried. We power through and they finally get the rest of our courses out to us: Okra, carolina gold and delicious ruby shrimp, Smoked Pork with hominy - tender and yummy and Finally, the likely CULPRIT of the hold up: 50 ounces of roasted rib eye with a garlic butter pat resting atop. They didn't even ask us how we wanted it cooked and it was cooked perfectly. Well played and touche!

Because of the HORRIFIC delay they gave us a round of dessert/drinks for free. Two of us ordered the Revolver Dessert cocktail: Rye, coffee liqueur, orange bitters: Boozy and delicious. And one, more adventurous party member got the Marscapone Fruit Tart with Corn SMUT ice cream! This ice cream was not the best ice cream ever, but may have been the most interesting tasting ice cream I've ever eaten. Touche again, Greyhound Bus Station!

Having to leave my new favorite city the very next day was a sad day indeed, but I still had a great and many miles to cover on my way back home, especially as I tacked on an additional short stop in Charleston, South Cacka-Lacky. Having only a couple of hours in this ALSO beautiful and historic city my food choices were short and sweet. First, we pulled off in the ghetto of Charleston at Hannibal's Souls Kitchen for a delicious shrimp and crab rice. We followed that up with a couple of Empanadas and Argentinian Ice Cream at one of only two Freddo Gelato in the U.S. (the other is in Miami.) These empanadas were legit delicious, one was beef, the other chorizo and cheese...MAN I love chorizo. Their mint chocolate chip was SWEET minty goodness and the banana split I sampled was off the charts. This place, as well as the delightful sights made the stop in Charleston well worth it. 

Being back home from the road I decided to continue the cheat week with a breakfast burrito, some Stiegl Golds and some WiseGuy pizza on Friday. I started the diet back up the next day on what should normally be Cheat Day and I sit here writing this blog getting hungrier by the word. I just recently started this diet over again and I've already strayed. Most of you who know me and see me during the week know that I take it very seriously. But, honestly, some times you gotta take breaks from things. Sometimes you have to go along to get along. Sometimes you discover that you can eat a number of things on a road trip that mostly fit in with your crazy and ridiculous diet and it actually ISN'T that hard to stay healthy away from your routine! I'll be GOSH DARNED and here's a quick recap of things I ate on the road that I could eat any old crummy day of the week:

Lamb Skewers

Shrimp

Crab Legs

Steak

Nuts

Jerky

Smoked Pork

Sauteed Onions

Roasted Red Peppers 

Eggplant

Gazpacho

Octopus 

Eggs

Tuna

Okra

Iced Zacks

Go on an adventure. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other and eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,

Zach

My Maine Cheat Day (WEDDING EDITION)

Hello Cheaters! I went on a trip so I decided to write a travel cheat blog. Although I wouldn't call it cheating, by a DIET stand point. I stopped drinking alcohol for over 3 weeks and I CHEATED on that on my trip to Boston, MA and Portland, ME. So I am going to report to you about all the cheating I did on the trip! How's about that?! That's what I'll do! I'll let you know when I fasted from something and then CHEATED! We all like it when I cheat right?! RIGHT! SO LET'S FUCKIN' RAGE!

I flew into Logan airport in BAHSTIN MAAAAASS at around 9:45AM. Me and my bestest friends James and Christine got into a rental car with a broken radio that I later fixed and sat in horrific traffic on our way to the Cheers Bar. This is a subpar over priced tourist trap that I only recommend you go to if you love the show Cheers and TBH, you SHOULD love the fuckin' show Cheers cause it's a great show, and American classic, a 10 year long slice of life with something for everybody! Anyway. I got a Guinness. That was the first thing I drank to break my sobriety. A Guinness. I know Guinness kind of IS and certainly should be an all year round type of drink, but there's something about a Guinness in the autumn weather that just feels right, ya know?!

I also ordered a $14 meatball sub with fries that was...again, SUB PAR, it was cheesy as FUCK which was nice but there was like negative sauce on the bad boy. The fries were fine. I then noticed on the drafts menu that they offered a "Norm's Pils." Well, obviously, I had to get one of those and chug it as fast as I could and that's what James and I DID!

We didn't eat again for a while, and TBH we didn't really need to because beers and coffees and meatball subs are fucking filling YO. Next place we ate was called Nick's Roast Beef in the Boston adjacent town of Beverly. It was local, dem BOSTONIANS love dere ROAST BEEF. It was basically better, fresher Arby's. They DID have this side called "Broccoli Bites." Don't let the name fool you, if was fried spicy cheese with MINIMAL broccoli floating around in there. They were dank as FUG. For my main course at Nick's I got the Super Beef Plate which consisted of a FUCK ton of fries, a FUCK ton of onion rings and a massive and totally SAUCED Roast Beef sandwich on an onion roll. Good stuff.

James and I each pounded 4 more Guinness we pick up from a local liquor store and promptly passed out around 9:30PM. We were tired lil'bebes. We awoke the next day in Beverly, checked out the town's museum which was kinda cool then went to the local joint Clam Box of Ipswich on our way up to Portland. They boasted pricey boxes of the famed local New England fare clams, oysters, and scallops...ALL FRIED! Now, James HATES sea food, but he at it ANYWAY. The scallops RAWKED my fuggin SAWKS AWF kid. The clams were aight. It was expensive, but I always like to try the local cuisine no matter where I go! It's what they do after all, yer never gonna get it better!

When we got to Portland and we had some time to kill before we could get into our air bnb so we checked out a local lighthouse, very pretty stuff. The lighthouse was a feature at a state park that had lil'food truckies. "WHAT did the food trucks SERVER?!" you ask! Well fuggin' LOBSTAH Rolls kid and WHOPPIE PIES for CHRISSAKES! The Lobster Roll I got was Maine style with a lil mayo and a lemon wedge. Delicious to say the very least. BUT, at $20 a sammy that's not something I recommend anyone making a staple on their trip to New England.

The whoopee pie, for you sweets fans out there, is a Maine/New England dessert staple. It's a glorified Ho-Ho. It's delicious, but it's gigantic. Do yourself a favor and split it with someone, or you will be sure to crash from the the sugar over load.

James, Nick, and I went back to the rental house to get ready for the cocktail hour at local fancy Mediterranean chain, Tiqa. There was an open bar so I downed a couple Vodka sodas, ya know to be classy, before switching to Maker's on the rocks of which I about 4. HEY, I wasn't driving. OH SHIT, yes I was! But later, and then I ended up not. The cocktail hour featured hors d'oeuvres of the mediterranean style. It may have been the best falafel I have ever eaten.

That was all we needed, so we went back to the air bnb where ALL of our friends and family were waiting. Totally awesome bro Derek Shelton brought over this local cheap swill with a lobster on the can that was sub par, it was called Narragansett Fresh Catch. The only thing fresh about it was that it was...actually nothing, there was nothing Fresh about it. Otherwise, we drank Miller Lights til we PASSED OUT.

The next morning James and I had to go to the venue to help set up for the wedding and the reception. We woke up at 7:30, not very happy. We got there a little after 8 and stayed until about 2:30, sometimes working hard and most of the time sitting around waiting to be told what to do. We got coffee and donut holes to stave us off. DUNKIN KID!

When we finally left to get the man of honor ready for his big moment we picked up a sandwich trey, of which I ate 4! That's right 4 fucking sandwiches: 1 roast beef, 1 turkey, and 2 ham. I needed that I guess. The wedding was wonderful. Congrats to the happy couple. Go forth and kill it as adults, although if I may speak frankly Robert was always one of the most adult people I've known. More adult sometimes than my adults...but anyway, NOW he's officially an adult! Good on you brother! And congrats to the ever delightful Becca West for being great, finding a seemingly perfect match and knowing how to pick'em!

SHUT UP AND TELL US WHAT YOU ATE'N'DRANK!

Alright, easy readers! Geez. Just showing a little LOVE over here! GET USED TO IT! The post wedding cocktail hour had a bomb ass meat/cheese/humus spread. I tried not to eat too much because I knew if I did, I'd pass out. So I picked some meat and some cheese off of Liz's plate and started drinking vodka sodas. Dinner was some bomb ass BBQ from a place who's name I DID NOT get, but whatever it was wedding catering. I CRAMMED my plate full of corn, mashed taters, mac'n'cheese, pulled pork, beef brisket, and some so-so chicken. I topped it off with a giant piece of corn bread and slathered everything with a surprisingly spicy BBQ sauce. Everything but the chicken was out of these fucking PANTS good...as in get my DICK out of these fucking pants, I'm about to make some sweet love to some BBQ tonight! For dessert?! NO CAKE, we're MILLENIALS! We were served so donuts and delicious gelato. FUCK YEAH.

For the drinking enthusiast out there, I'll never understand how weddings work. Open bars, drinking all night, as much as you can, and when it's all said and done you just don't feel that drunk. What is that? Anyway, aside from vodka sodas I'd say I knocked back about 2 double bourbon on the rocks, 3 jack and cokes, and 2 gin and tonics. You gotta go with liquor when you ate a plate stacked with BBQ and 4 sandwiches.

The after party was at a weird place called Bubba's. It was basically a mixture between a club and a fucking flea market. Most of our group didn't want to go in so the few of us that did go in didn't stay long. We all drank one or two Miller High Lifes, did a little man on man grinding and left back to meet up with our house crew where we REALLY got to drinking: Bud Lights and Bud Heavys.

The next morning Liz had to be at the airport SUPER early (like 5:30AM) and I opted to drive her. I left the house in my under wear and under shirt and forgot my phone. It was a fun time getting back. When I woke up as it was time for ME to head back to Boston we stopped at some bagel place on our way out. I had a bagel breakfast sammy with ham and egg on an everything bagel that was PRETTY darn good. It didn't quite help with the hangover though, so once in Boston, Nick and I had way later flights than James and Christine so we hunkered down in a bar called the 21st ammendment and drank a little hair'o'the'dog in the form of PBRs and we split a plate of surprisingly delicious buffalo chicken nachos. I definitely recommend them if you find yourself in that dank old pit of a watering hole.

After our 5 hour stay at the 21st Amendment we ubered to Logan and we had about an hour and a half left so we knocked back 2 or 3 more airport pops before boarding our respective flights. All in all a great trip. I wish I had more time with everyone who was there. I wish we all lived closer together. But it sure is fun to be in cheat mode all the time with everybody! Okay, you know what to do. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and eat like your life depended on it.

ELE,
Zach