AWWWW SHNAP ya'll. It's time! It's back! It's been YEARS since I've posted. Even more years since I've given myself an excuse for a gut fillin'/mouth waterin'/poop chute slidin' weekly holy-day known... as CHEAT DAY. I couldn't be more stoked to the max about this! Come along once again on my journey to cut weight by eating as much of whatever I want!
The quick deets:
- The diet? - Slow Carb Diet RIPPED out of the pages of the The Four Hour Body by a real fucking PSYCHO who is NOT a doctor, scientist, or nutritionist: Tim Ferriss. If you're interested, read about it a bit. There's 0 science involved. I'm pretty sure this LOON just tried it and lost a bunch of weight? Sound familiar?! Yeah, that's because I fuckin' did that too! Am I a LOON?! Read on and find out!
- The food? - 6 days a week I can only eat protein, vegetables, beans and lentils, and VERY particular fruits: avocado and tomato. I'm ALLOWED to eat cottage cheese somehow, but I HATE cottage cheese, so I ain't doin' it.
- The cheating? - 1 day a week is now called Cheat Day. It will normally fall on what used to be Saturday, now it is known as Cheat Day. On this day I can and will eat anything I GOT-DANG want and as fuggin' much of it as it goshdarn PUHLEASE.
- The numbers? - I am not stepping on a scale. I am doing body measurements. The morning after Cheat Day I was: 47 nips x 45 Belly x 43.5 Hips
"But, Zach$, why are you doing this to yourself again? I mean you seemed pretty miserable every day that wasn't cheat day the first couple of times you tried it?" Ummmm, gee THANKS. Also, GO FUCK YOURSELF. I'll tell you why: I got FAT again, that's why! Since you last heard from me I took up exercising in a BIG way? How big do you ask? Well my hashtag #bufflikeme is a world wide phenomenon. Everyone loves it, everyone uses it. It's inspired LITERALLY like dozens of people. Literally. If you haven't seen it, take to instagram and check it out the account @fartpinchoutmybutt.
Well, all of the exercise was really working for me for quite a while. Everyone wanted a piece of my fine buff ass, EVERYONE! But I wouldn't let them have it! Oh, no. Then! After a few years of getting buff day in and day out I really started to work up an appetite, as well as a severe dark deep depression. This made my appetite EVEN WORSE. It seemed like no matter how hard I busted my ass working out I would just eat so much more and undo the majority of the work I had done. Finally, after weeks and months of looking at my big fat GUT in the mirror I said to myself, self - Let's Cheat. So, here we are. Cheat Day Maw-fugglers!
"Hey, tubbs, get to the food would ya? I don't need to hear your sob story you big blubbery BIOTCH." Woah, hey! Calm down, here it comes.
It was kind of a half Cheat Day in that I got started after noon. It was a bit of a split decision. Once it had been decided though, I was off and ready. To start I was escorted to the Union Market District in North East DC. First stop? La Cosecha Latin American Market. PERFECT for me! You know I fucks with that Latin food. This is a delightful little market with many different vendors sporting food from different latin nations. Out in front were vendors peddling icy treats and cold boozy beverages, just perfect for a hot day.
 |
| La Cosecha Interior |
Generally this diet demands a cut back in boozing, so EF IT! Let's booze I said. BOOM Serenata DC has a stand with delicious icy bagged cocktails like Caprisuns for adults. I slide up to the lady workin' the stand and I ask, "So, what's the deal? Where can I drink this delicious looking Guava Daquiri?" Ya know? Cause we were still out on the street is all.
And she goes, get this...she says, "ANYWHERE!"
So I says back to her, I go, "WHAT?! Like we're in New Orleans or Las Vegas?!"
Then she says, "Aww yeah, I that's right!"
Apparently everywhere in the country is getting REAL lackluster about alcohol rules and THAT is A-OK with me! So I took it walking, and it WAS a delight: cold, flavorful, STRONG. Fruity and boozy. Highly recommended.
La Cosecha is essentially a small upscale mall in the ground floor of a swanky, new-ish, condo building in the gentrified north eat side of the city. It's packed. All of that feels kind of icky. However, the layout is intriguing almost to the point of exciting. Bars and restaurants are tucked in corners, along the walls and sit in the middle of the floor. A donut stand stops me immediately. Why the hell not? Donisima. That's the name. They only have a couple of different options, but one of them is TINY donut holes where you can get essentially every different flavor. I'll TAKE EM! Breakfast DONE.
I recently discovered a love of Pupusas when I visited Denver. Yeah, that's right, DENVER. Do they have a large El Salvadoran population?! I Don't FUGGIN know! Ask a Denver! ANYWAY, there's a Pupuseria in La Cosecha called La Casita. I got a MIXTA which is a soft corn tortilla just STUFFED with pork chicharron, red bean and cheese.
While they make up my pupusa I head over to my favorite, the Mexican restaurant! Las Gemelas is basically an upscale Taco Bell. "What the FUCK did you just say?!" You heard me! But, I'll spell it the FUDGE out for you! I ordered a MEXICAN PIZZA with chorizo... as well as a suadero taco. BUT MEXICAN PIZZA!
I take all my orders, struggle to find a seat, and when I finally do I start SHOVING stuff into my mouth. The pupusa is HOT (OUCH) and soft and delicious. It is not the highlight though. The suadero (a thin cut of beef from the intermediate part of the cow between the belly and the leg) taco was packed with flavor. STILL, NOT THE HIGHLIGHT.
WHAT WAS?! The MEXICAN FUCKING PIZZA duh! Taco Bell wins again! This ain't no Taco Bell Mexican pizza though. This was VERY well crafted. A SYMPHONY of flavors in each bit and never once over powered by the chorizo. Amazing. IncredABLE. (incredible, but said like a sassy frenchie). This is worth going all the way back to this awkward ass mall to get. Trust me.
Next, we ain't leaving the Union Market district without visiting the Union Market itself. This thing is OG La Cosecha. It boasts far more food stands with a much larger variety of styles and nationalities. They've got butchers, bakers, fish mongers, but also diners, bars, seafood spots, sandwich spots, delis, cafes. It's truly an exciting place for a "foodie" (I hate that word). So I'm going to say for humans who can withstand large crowds and an anxiety inducing number of choices. Nope, that's too long. Foodies it is. For now.
After walking the floor I settle on a hoagie-ish take on the Cuban sandwich from Immigrant Food AND an order of Etouffee from Puddin' Southern Comfort Food. Now, in my age I've grown a bit wiser. I don't dare shove this additional food on top of all the latin food I have just eaten. No! I take it to go for a little later.
On my way back home, more cheat food in tow, I am a gluten not just for food but punishment as well. I stop at a grand opening of a Wegmans in DC. It too is crowded. I get a few essentials for the week, but I also get some BEERS. That's right, they are to be my last ones for a while. If you didn't know already, I'll tell you now. Wegmans boasts an amazing wine, beer, and in participating states liquor section. But this is about BEER! I love German and Austrian beer, so it was an EASY choice. I decided to stick with the old Weihenstephaner Pilsner. I very delicious old beer that I could drink and drink forever.
"ALRIGHT BEER BOY we get it! How was the food?!" It was AWESOME, what do you think! Etouffee won the day though. It just did. I love cajun food. I am real into that creamy seafood sauce, plus I'm a big rice fan. The Cuban sammy was good, it just wasn't the best cuban sandwich I've had recently.
All in all. Go the the Union Market in DC, walk around with a drink, and good luck picking just one thing you want to eat. If I were you, I'd make up a reason for a cheat day and head over there then. Want to visit me? Have any questions? Slide into my DMs. 😉
Until Next Time! Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and eat like your life depended on it.
ELE,
Zach
No comments:
Post a Comment