My Maine Cheat Day (WEDDING EDITION)

Hello Cheaters! I went on a trip so I decided to write a travel cheat blog. Although I wouldn't call it cheating, by a DIET stand point. I stopped drinking alcohol for over 3 weeks and I CHEATED on that on my trip to Boston, MA and Portland, ME. So I am going to report to you about all the cheating I did on the trip! How's about that?! That's what I'll do! I'll let you know when I fasted from something and then CHEATED! We all like it when I cheat right?! RIGHT! SO LET'S FUCKIN' RAGE!

I flew into Logan airport in BAHSTIN MAAAAASS at around 9:45AM. Me and my bestest friends James and Christine got into a rental car with a broken radio that I later fixed and sat in horrific traffic on our way to the Cheers Bar. This is a subpar over priced tourist trap that I only recommend you go to if you love the show Cheers and TBH, you SHOULD love the fuckin' show Cheers cause it's a great show, and American classic, a 10 year long slice of life with something for everybody! Anyway. I got a Guinness. That was the first thing I drank to break my sobriety. A Guinness. I know Guinness kind of IS and certainly should be an all year round type of drink, but there's something about a Guinness in the autumn weather that just feels right, ya know?!

I also ordered a $14 meatball sub with fries that was...again, SUB PAR, it was cheesy as FUCK which was nice but there was like negative sauce on the bad boy. The fries were fine. I then noticed on the drafts menu that they offered a "Norm's Pils." Well, obviously, I had to get one of those and chug it as fast as I could and that's what James and I DID!

We didn't eat again for a while, and TBH we didn't really need to because beers and coffees and meatball subs are fucking filling YO. Next place we ate was called Nick's Roast Beef in the Boston adjacent town of Beverly. It was local, dem BOSTONIANS love dere ROAST BEEF. It was basically better, fresher Arby's. They DID have this side called "Broccoli Bites." Don't let the name fool you, if was fried spicy cheese with MINIMAL broccoli floating around in there. They were dank as FUG. For my main course at Nick's I got the Super Beef Plate which consisted of a FUCK ton of fries, a FUCK ton of onion rings and a massive and totally SAUCED Roast Beef sandwich on an onion roll. Good stuff.

James and I each pounded 4 more Guinness we pick up from a local liquor store and promptly passed out around 9:30PM. We were tired lil'bebes. We awoke the next day in Beverly, checked out the town's museum which was kinda cool then went to the local joint Clam Box of Ipswich on our way up to Portland. They boasted pricey boxes of the famed local New England fare clams, oysters, and scallops...ALL FRIED! Now, James HATES sea food, but he at it ANYWAY. The scallops RAWKED my fuggin SAWKS AWF kid. The clams were aight. It was expensive, but I always like to try the local cuisine no matter where I go! It's what they do after all, yer never gonna get it better!

When we got to Portland and we had some time to kill before we could get into our air bnb so we checked out a local lighthouse, very pretty stuff. The lighthouse was a feature at a state park that had lil'food truckies. "WHAT did the food trucks SERVER?!" you ask! Well fuggin' LOBSTAH Rolls kid and WHOPPIE PIES for CHRISSAKES! The Lobster Roll I got was Maine style with a lil mayo and a lemon wedge. Delicious to say the very least. BUT, at $20 a sammy that's not something I recommend anyone making a staple on their trip to New England.

The whoopee pie, for you sweets fans out there, is a Maine/New England dessert staple. It's a glorified Ho-Ho. It's delicious, but it's gigantic. Do yourself a favor and split it with someone, or you will be sure to crash from the the sugar over load.

James, Nick, and I went back to the rental house to get ready for the cocktail hour at local fancy Mediterranean chain, Tiqa. There was an open bar so I downed a couple Vodka sodas, ya know to be classy, before switching to Maker's on the rocks of which I about 4. HEY, I wasn't driving. OH SHIT, yes I was! But later, and then I ended up not. The cocktail hour featured hors d'oeuvres of the mediterranean style. It may have been the best falafel I have ever eaten.

That was all we needed, so we went back to the air bnb where ALL of our friends and family were waiting. Totally awesome bro Derek Shelton brought over this local cheap swill with a lobster on the can that was sub par, it was called Narragansett Fresh Catch. The only thing fresh about it was that it was...actually nothing, there was nothing Fresh about it. Otherwise, we drank Miller Lights til we PASSED OUT.

The next morning James and I had to go to the venue to help set up for the wedding and the reception. We woke up at 7:30, not very happy. We got there a little after 8 and stayed until about 2:30, sometimes working hard and most of the time sitting around waiting to be told what to do. We got coffee and donut holes to stave us off. DUNKIN KID!

When we finally left to get the man of honor ready for his big moment we picked up a sandwich trey, of which I ate 4! That's right 4 fucking sandwiches: 1 roast beef, 1 turkey, and 2 ham. I needed that I guess. The wedding was wonderful. Congrats to the happy couple. Go forth and kill it as adults, although if I may speak frankly Robert was always one of the most adult people I've known. More adult sometimes than my adults...but anyway, NOW he's officially an adult! Good on you brother! And congrats to the ever delightful Becca West for being great, finding a seemingly perfect match and knowing how to pick'em!

SHUT UP AND TELL US WHAT YOU ATE'N'DRANK!

Alright, easy readers! Geez. Just showing a little LOVE over here! GET USED TO IT! The post wedding cocktail hour had a bomb ass meat/cheese/humus spread. I tried not to eat too much because I knew if I did, I'd pass out. So I picked some meat and some cheese off of Liz's plate and started drinking vodka sodas. Dinner was some bomb ass BBQ from a place who's name I DID NOT get, but whatever it was wedding catering. I CRAMMED my plate full of corn, mashed taters, mac'n'cheese, pulled pork, beef brisket, and some so-so chicken. I topped it off with a giant piece of corn bread and slathered everything with a surprisingly spicy BBQ sauce. Everything but the chicken was out of these fucking PANTS good...as in get my DICK out of these fucking pants, I'm about to make some sweet love to some BBQ tonight! For dessert?! NO CAKE, we're MILLENIALS! We were served so donuts and delicious gelato. FUCK YEAH.

For the drinking enthusiast out there, I'll never understand how weddings work. Open bars, drinking all night, as much as you can, and when it's all said and done you just don't feel that drunk. What is that? Anyway, aside from vodka sodas I'd say I knocked back about 2 double bourbon on the rocks, 3 jack and cokes, and 2 gin and tonics. You gotta go with liquor when you ate a plate stacked with BBQ and 4 sandwiches.

The after party was at a weird place called Bubba's. It was basically a mixture between a club and a fucking flea market. Most of our group didn't want to go in so the few of us that did go in didn't stay long. We all drank one or two Miller High Lifes, did a little man on man grinding and left back to meet up with our house crew where we REALLY got to drinking: Bud Lights and Bud Heavys.

The next morning Liz had to be at the airport SUPER early (like 5:30AM) and I opted to drive her. I left the house in my under wear and under shirt and forgot my phone. It was a fun time getting back. When I woke up as it was time for ME to head back to Boston we stopped at some bagel place on our way out. I had a bagel breakfast sammy with ham and egg on an everything bagel that was PRETTY darn good. It didn't quite help with the hangover though, so once in Boston, Nick and I had way later flights than James and Christine so we hunkered down in a bar called the 21st ammendment and drank a little hair'o'the'dog in the form of PBRs and we split a plate of surprisingly delicious buffalo chicken nachos. I definitely recommend them if you find yourself in that dank old pit of a watering hole.

After our 5 hour stay at the 21st Amendment we ubered to Logan and we had about an hour and a half left so we knocked back 2 or 3 more airport pops before boarding our respective flights. All in all a great trip. I wish I had more time with everyone who was there. I wish we all lived closer together. But it sure is fun to be in cheat mode all the time with everybody! Okay, you know what to do. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and eat like your life depended on it.

ELE,
Zach