How About Those CHEATS (Chiefs)

Happy Divisional Round of the NFL Playoffs Cheat Day Cheat and Football Fans! Also, I am into week three of Dry January so pat me on the GAUL DERN back for that would ya! Three weeks and holding strong. YES, even during Cheat Day and YES even during big football games. PAT ME ON THE BACK I SAID!

So, it now being the year of the Rabbit, I ate a bunch of bunnies. I'm KIDDING! I'm not Lennie, but I have played him on the stage! SINCE we have crossed the lunar new year into the year of the Rabbit I have become MAGICALLY more conscious of my finances. What does THIS mean? I skimped a little bit on what I bought this Cheat Day.

Lucky for me I had a ton of left overs at my house from when I last went Cheat Day grocery shopping. So after crushing my weigh in and measure off I went to Cheat Town, AKA My Kitchen! I scarfed one homemade McMuffin with Aldi brand English Muffins, a VERY expensive egg, some delicious Irish butter and a bunch of Wal-Mart shredded cheese. Thrifty. I also went ahead and ate a separate English muffin with just butter and cheese and finally a THIRD English muffin (they were going bad, had to finish 'em) with MARMALADE. I will become Paddington. 

Thoroughly stuffed past from this I decided I would just eat three or four white fudge covered Oreos instead of the rest of the box. I also demolished those crazy good fudgy marshmallowy wafer cookies called Knoppers from Aldi. I had two left and they go GOT DANG PERFECT with coffee. 

In danger of sliding into a sugar coma I quickly worked out while I watched the terrible terrible Kansas Jayhawks Men's Basketball team get destroyed by the usually terrible TCU Horned Frogs. I was trying to get all my stuff done quickly for there was an all important FOOSball game in the evening. The LORD'S team, the Kansas City Chiefs, had to smack around the JAGS of Jacksonville, Florida and I had to be ready to watch them do it with a bucket of fried chicken on which I could gorge myself.

The prime bucket of choice you ask?! By god! Why it's Lee's Famous Recipe Fried Chicken of course! There's only one location in all of Richmond and it is BANGIN'. I'm a gentleman, and I have invited several BIG eaters over for the game so I buy enough for everybody. This means, of course I'll be snacking on the deliciousness for the rest of the day. I get a 16 piece family meal that comes with 8 biscuits and 4 sides. I choose mac and cheese and mashed potatoes and gravy (OF COURSE) followed by some green beans and hot apples (which I could eat the next day if need be). 

On my way out of the restaurant I snag a couple of each of their CRAZY sauce selection. It's Cheat Day and I'ma havta try'm all! Here they are, ranked:

1. Buffalo
2. Bonzai
3. Chipotle Ranch
4. BBQ
5. Jalapeno Ranch
6. Honey Mustard

The whole meal was simply breath taking and it did last me and my boys several rounds like it was some kind of fried chicken buffet. Perfect! The Chiefs did their thing, which is TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS and after they did we went out for some ice cream, cause that's the kind of thing we used to do when we didn't drink. 

This time the ice cream of choice was Gelati Celesti where apparently a children's ho down had just let out nearby because it was slammed with little rich white kids dressed to the nines in their barnyard's finest. I asked me mates, "Why in the hell are there so many children here?"

To which they replied, "Yeah, who would have thought there'd be so many kids at an ice cream parlor on a Saturday night at 7:30PM." And right then and there I knew they were getting my goat. They were calling me out for being a rube and I didn't take too kindly to that. So, I started a real RUCKUS in Gelati Celesti. I started yanking kids' ice creams out of their hands and shoving them right in their little faces and onto their cowboy hats, down the backs of their shirts. I growled and sneered and chased them all out of my way so I could order and enjoy my iced cream in peace!

Finally one of the teens behind the case addressed me with as sir, with a snide tone, and asked what I will be enjoying this evening. I told her, "well, I don't have the where with all to choose what with these children running amock, hootin' and hollerin,' dancin' their line dances and such." So I made a split decision, and I must say it was a good'n. I said, "gimme a scoop of uuuh the uh, BANANA...yeah that's the ticket! And how about a scoop of the ummmm MUDSLIDE! That'll do! And put it in a waffle cone. OH! Cover it in jimmies!" And by jimmies of course I meant sprinkles. Don't clone my friend Jimmy, whom I brought along with me, and place him and his clones atop my iced cream.

Mudslide, to the uninitiated is coffee ice cream with chocolate chunks. So, the ice cream has a general appearance of a mudslide AND it makes damn sure you'll be having a little mudslide of your own later on. It sat deliciously and perfectly on top of the scoop of delectable banana ice cream. This ice cream is truly top notch. My compadres thoroughly enjoyed theirs as well: dark chocolate orange and peanut butter brownie.

After ice cream it was about time for all of us old dogs to hit the hay. I 'cleaned up' *wink* what was left of the Lee's Fried Chicken *wink* *wink* and passed out promptly to have some delightful dreams about reading whole books in a single day like some kind of brainiac. 

In other good news, here are my results from last week:

Weight: 234 (DOWN 7 pounds for the week, 8 since I started weigh ins)

Nips: 45.5 inches (Holding strong)
Belly: 42.25 (Down .75 inches)
Hips: 42.25 (Down .5 inches)

Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your lives depend on it.

ELE,
FartPinch

Rehoboth Cheat Day

Welcome to Cheat Day at the beach in the off season vacay life HACKERS! Now, I don't spend a ton of time in resort towns during their off seasons, BUT, the vibe is all CRAZY...and so is Cheat Day. The locals be going all sorts of buck wild visiting the best tourist spots before their lil'town gets dominated by jabronis like me. Well too bad for those BUSTERS, Cheat Day knows no season!

Dank ass Cheese Muffin (my nickname in college)

I wake up in a house that smells like the beach. You know that smell: salt, sand, sunscreen, seafood, semen (WHAT?! Noooo FartPinch, that's redundant). It's delightful! Especially when yer HUNGRY. I kick things off by nuking this dank ass cheese muffin from the fresh market down the street. What a way to kick off Cheat Day. 

 

The house I'm in has a waffle maker and some mix, so that is the natural first step. I plow through two waffles, one smothered in syrup from New Hampshire and the other topped with my new favorite spread, MARMALADE! This time it's home made marmalade. HEY, that friggin' rhymes! AND it's delicious. I'll be 100% Paddington in no time.

As the day rolls on I relax with some pets, I read, I chill in the hot tub, which also comes with the house and of course I SNACK. I dig into some dolmas (grape leaves stuffed with rice), BBQ potato chips, and the host's home made pizza.  

After HOURS of seemingly no meals on Cheat Day, just delicious snack munching, it's finally LUNCH TIME. My cadre and I head to local Delaware legends, Dogfish Head Brewery. It's a brew pub. However, I am still on Dry January so I don't partake in any one of there many many beers (mostly IPAs 🙄). Instead I enjoy a Pennsylvania Dutch Birch Beer. It's basically a reddish root beer. It's delicious, especially for a non-soda drinker like me. I knock back 7 or 8 of them bad boys like my name is Forrest, Forrest Gump because when you deal in soda, you deal in free refills. 

The table downs a large platter of mini pretzel bites to start. They bomb as hell...especially when dipped in that beer cheese dip NAWM SAYIN?! For my full on lunch I decide I'm gettin me something I can't get back in real-ville, U.S.A. so I get a pizza. BUT NOT JUST ANY PIZZA, CHILL! This pizza is called The Old Man and The Sea. It's pizza with panchetta and instead of sauce it's got mother fuckin' crab dip! Thanks Beach Town! The pizza was not nearly as flavorful as I was hoping, but they definitely get points for creativity. 

 

Once I'm back at the beach house I have a post-lunch cheesy muffin from Fresh Market. As day turns to dusk the drinkers begin to drink. So what the hell do I do?! Well, I eat a god damn edible and start noshing on the other treats from the fresh market: Chocolate covered chex mix, more potato chips, cheese, rosemary sour dough toast points, more cheese. 

Dinner is a strange combination that ended up working out wonderfully. It was a butternut squash-orzo dish that was earthy and delightful. Any Cheat Day where there's pasta is a good cheat day. But also, we had Polish empanadas, aka: Pierogis! Dem pierogis get the POINT AND PUMP of the week for sure. Stuffed with mashed potatoes, sauerkraut and cheese they get flash boiled and then pan fried followed by a chompity chomping by yours truly. Alla that combined makes for a fantastic time I tell ya Hwhat! Put a little sour cream on those bad boys and you're in Cheat Day heaven friend!

Pierogis

A glimpse of the Orzo

I ended the evening with a bit of iced cream. One was Jeni's - dairy free cold brew and coconut cream which was alright. But then there was something I'd never heard of "Tèo" premium gelato with the PB Caramel Crunch. THAT was extreme and delicious.

 

Sober as a jay bird but high on life... and ice cream I slowly pass out to the latest episodes of Letterkenny. Just two more sober Cheat Days friends. Not gonna lie, they've been just delightful with out the sweet warming booze juice. 

I forgot my tape measure so I just ended up weighing in this week. Sorry bout that, I'll hit you next time!

WEIGHING IN AT: 241 LBS! (DOWN A POUND AND BACK ON TRACK!)

Take care of yourselves! Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
FartPinch 

New Year New Cheat!

HAPPY NEW YEAR Cheaters! How them resolutions treating ya? You GIVE UP YET!? Not me. I'm still dieting and I'm STILL Cheating. That's right Holidays are done and I'm back to torturing myself for a fit bod and your entertainment! YES I'm fatter after the last two - three weeks, SO WHAT?! It's gonna melt right back off of me like butter in the microwave thanks to my very strict diet.

 

Is it a resolution? NO EFFIN WAY! It's a lifestyle! This Cheat Day I was left up to my own devices and I had a grrrrrEAT time doing it!

I shook myself awake and stomped into the kitchen like a hungry giant. FEE FIE FO FUM! An English Muffin? Well I might have to eat me some! I poured sugar in my coffee. I munched on a gosh darn delicious Aldi cookie wafer thing. I started slicing and eating some cheddar cheese! For the main course: I made an at home McMuffin using this little mini breakfast sandwich maker and for breakfast dessert? I covered an English muffin in Marmalade, just like Paddington. 

 

Sugar coma anyone?! 

 

After shaking myself out of that stupor I ran some Cheat Day errands, which included whipping my body into shape with a hardcore weight lift SESH #bufflikeme.

GIMME THE FOOD DOOD! Flash forward to 3pm. Linner Time. I sit down in front of the TV with one of my all time favorite dishes: A Chicken Queso Burrito with a side of Chips and BOWL of Queso Diablo from Qdoba. Qdoba > Chipotle. That's Cheat Day baby. Queso Burrito built to perfection: Flour tortilla, white rice, black beans, chicken, EXTRA queso, pico, hot sauce, CHEESE and that's it. GOT IT?! It is heavenly. Back in college I'd get two at a time, but now I'm an older, slimmer man. So instead I just ate one...AND AN ENTIRE BAG OF CHIPS AND BOWL OF QUESO!

 

Game time! Not one, but TWO of my favorite sports teams have televised sporting events and they each CRUISE through their games. It's a lot of fun. Toward the end I think to myself....What the hell else will I eat on Cheat Day before it is too late?! I guess I'll run to Wawa or something just to bring it home and wrap it up. 

                                 

While I wait for games to end I treat myself to white fudge covered Oreos and mini peppermint ice cream sandwiches...and...yes...more cheese. THEN! Just when I was fixin' to haul my stuffed and tired ass down to Wawa an angel walks through the door. The SlumLord Millionaire gets home from a pizza date with leftovers. 

Instead of Wawa I house two slices of cheese pizza and a leftover fried chicken breast from Publix. Then, it's time to polish it off with a Snickers. Hungry? Not at all. But I'll still grab a Snickers any friggin' way.

New Year New Me Busters! So, I've implemented a weigh in! New Deets below:

Weight: 242LBS
NIPS: 45.5 inches around (SMALLER than pre-holidays by .75 inches!!!)
BELLY: 43 inches around (THERE IT IS....75 inches LARGER...)
HIPS: 42.75 inches around (LARGER by 1.25 inches...now that's one FAT ASS)

Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
FartPinch

2022 Recap No. 2 - Top 10 Places To Cheat

Oh god. Are we not over the fuggin holidays yet? We are. We ARE! It's over! Now what?! Now we get back to the drudgery. Hard work. No celebration. Just focus. Sounds great right? Or does it? It can be great! With a little thing called Cheat Day! If you happen to find yourself near one of my top 10 places to cheat in 2022 now that it's 2023 then treat yourself for a small reprieve from the day in and day out bully that is January, February and most of March. 

My top 10 places to cheat, THAT AREN'T AT HOME WITH YOUR OWN HOME COOKIN', are!

10. Taco Bell - Uhhh DOY, it's probably the place I've been to most consistently. You know what it is. You know what it has, even though it switches things up practically every month. Go and enjoy a little dog food for humans with some regularly.

9. Honeymoon Fried Chicken - There's gotta be a fried chicken joint on the list and this one was the most fun and the most fried.

8. Side Door Tavern - Attached to The Pub and The People, it's curated by the finest mixologist Warshington DC has to offer, named Ulf. Plus they offer some delicious grub compliments of the pub up above. Things like tempura battered cauliflower, a fine burger and some dank mac and cheese.

7. 2 Amys- Pizza joint of the year. A crazy good Neapolitan Pizza joint in NW DC. Worth the hype for their NEO Za's and the burrata and their wine. 

6. Everyday Sundae - Not just wicked good ice cream. A great service, a great ethic, and a friendly environment. Ice cream of the year!

5. Jack Brown's Beer and Burger Joint - A dive beer bar with the best burger of the year, IMO. It's punk rock sensibility and laid back friendly hipster staff make me feel right home and comfy while I knock back beer after burger after beer.  

4. Rooster and Owl - Fine dining that doesn't feel TOO pretentious. If you have the luxury of going with a group of 4 you can try every delicious concoction they have on the menu. Great cocktails, even better far out food. Bring money... or if you have one, a sugar momma. 

3. Sub Rosa - 2 Words. Baked Goods. This is a no nonsense bakery in a gentrified neighborhood of RVA that delivers on every item you'd like to try. Wait in line. It goes quick and it's worth it flakey munch munch. 

2. Union Market - Its a food mall. An OLD SCHOOL food mall. They've got classic stands from years past such as butchers, fish mongers, bakers, etc. They also have pop up stall for all sorts of restaurants: soul food, mexican, burgers, delis, pizzas, anything or EVERYTHING you might want on Cheat Day. A near perfect place to cheat. 

1. Country Style Donuts - A Richmond staple and the best donut there is. This is also the 2nd most frequented place I cheated in 2022. The donut is the perfect cheat day food and that is why this place gets number 1. 

Happy New Year Cheat Fans! BUSTERS! BUSTER BROWNS! Let's let 2023 be an even better year for cheaters like you and me! Take Care of Yourselves! Take Care of Each Other! Eat Like Your Lives Depend On It!

ELE,
FartPinch!