It's Cheat Week Not Fleet Week!

SWEET BABY CHEAT WEEK Mo-Foggers! Ya' HEARD me! Cheat WEEK! I told ya'll! I told ya'll LAST WEEK on this blog that a road trip was gonna be tough AF! And it was! It really really was. So tough, that I just threw all dietary restrictions out the car window and went whole hog all week long! As a result I did not do my measurements this weekend. FUCKIN' SUE ME! 

You gonna sit there judging me for that? Or would you rather judge me for what I ate all week long, HUH?! Thought so! Now strap in, cause I cheated my way all across the great states of North Cacka-Lacky, Georgia and a little into South Cacka-lacky!

Sunday morning I woke up in the strange and underwhelming Asheville, NC. Sally Small Stomach landed us a brunch rezy at one of the hottest spots in town, Cúrate, a very fancy tapas place. I fucking hate tapas. SMALL plates I have to SHARE?! Get-da-fug-oudda-here! HOWEVER! Despite that fact and despite it being in Asheville, NC, this place was awesome and delicious. Now, it's the day after Cheat Day remember, so I ain't trying to keep goin' full out fatty on cheat food, naw'msayin? Cúrate delivers in this attempt. Lemme break it down.

Kickin' it off, I ordered a DELICIOUS cheat-eriffic coffee and Spanish Brandy drink called a Spanish Coffee with an orange infused whipped cream as a topper. Lemme just say this was the best HWHIPPED cream I have ever had. I could have eaten a tub of it. Sally ordered an espresso with "your preferred spirit" which they chose for her and they chose CORRECTLY. In her coffee was a shot of Cota 45 - Pandorga Esencia de Pedro Ximénez. SUCK ME SIDEWAYS her coffee cocktail might have been the tastiest I have ever had. 

Like I said before, I friggin HATE tapas! So I let Sally Small Stomach do the ordering...and she crushed it. Here are the "small plates" ranked:

• 
  6. pulpo a la gallega - Octopus with a Potato Puree - I don't mind when octopus is in things, but I get a little squeamish when I can really tell I'm eating octopus. Also, mostly diet friendly with the exception of the puree. I enjoyed it, but it comes in last on my list.
  
• 5. gazpacho - Lisa Simpson's answer to a backyard BBBQ. I can't say I've had a ton of gazpacho in my day, but this one was quite tasty.
• 4. escalivada - roasted peppers, onion and eggplant - VERY diet friendly and let me just say this only ranked so high on my list because of the - 
• 3. No longer on the menu - Skirt Steak...but pork. ALSO diet friendly and boy howdy did it pair well with that escalivada. 
  
  
  
• 
  2. Chistorra & chips josé's way - Cúrate's spicy chorizo sausage wrapped in a potato chip. Basically Spanish pigs in blankets. Sounds simple and possibly easy to fuck up. Simple? yes. Did they come out fucked up? NOT A CHANCE IN HELL! I was the one who was doing the fucking up of those fancy pigs in blankets. They were perfect! The slight crunch that came from the chip not wrapped around the sausage was so MWAH (chef's kiss)! This comes in at no. 2 but let me tell you, if you happen to have done yourself a disservice by ending up in Asheville but made the right choice and getting it into Cúrate then THIS is the dish you must order.
  
• 1. pincho moruno - the "large plate" (pfff) lamb skewers. I don't toss the phrase "symphony of flavors" loosely...or maybe I do, and MAYBE I'm just a lamb fan, but MMM - Mm - mm.mm.mm.

We, regretfully kicked it around Asheville for a couple more hours just trying to find the charm that people kept talking about and got a couple more treats along the way. We knew we had a large amount of road ahead of us so we decided to kick it up a notch with some caffeine. The stop? French Broad Chocolate Lounge. I got a very cheaty and cheeky Ice Coffee FLOAT with vanilla ice cream cause I'm BASIC HOKAY! Sally got herself an affogato with CHOCOLATE ice cream cause she's always right.

Time to hit the road! STOP NUMBER ONE! Atlanta, Georgia...well Decatur really. Decatur, GA is the Evanston of Atlanta. It's the BETHESDA of Atlanta. It's basically the LARCHMONT of Atlanta. DO YOU FOLLOW ME YET?! It's a nice ritzy suburb/city that has it's own thing going on these days. It's a little red neck and it's a little ritzy. There's a chic donut shop with a line around the block and a busted upred truck with old tires in the back sitting out in a front lawn. I wake up Monday morning feeling pretty proud of myself for how I've eaten on the road trip thus far and I walk down to the local coffee shop in search for a little pep in my step. I find it alright. I go into that shop and order me up an an Iced ZACK! WHAT?! I know! An Iced Zack is essentially an iced red eye at the Kavarna cafe. 

Here's where my road trip diet kind of starts to run off the rails a bit. When lunch time hits we make Ford's BBQ our destination. Can't road trip through the south without stopping for a little BBQ. I get the platter with the pork, the brisket and the jalapeño cheddar sausage with some greens and some Brunswick stew, pretty diet friendly for sure. And YES, my biggest regret of the trip is not just ordering the Super Duty. Anyway, I wash all that down with a fucking WHISKEY AND CHEERWINE though like a fuckin' sugar freak! 

Buzzin', I need more drink and I don't mean BOOZE! I'm talkin' bout that GOD DAMN soda pop! I'm in the MECHA for fuck sake. HOTLANTA is where Coke was born! So I make my way to the WORLD OF COKE museum. It was totally worth it for the tasting room alone. I tasted probably 100 different sodas and didn't even puke ONCE! HOLY CRAP. Here's my breakdown:

• Best - Pinneapple Fanta - It's commonplace but it's true.
• Worst - Beverly - Stupid Name, terrible synthetic and mediciny taste. Just awful. Tasted like what I imagine someone named Beverly might taste like. WOAH! HEY NOW! Watch out!
• Most Interesting - Sour Plum Fanta - tastes like BBQ sauce. I wouldn't drink a whole glass, but it didn't make me need to run and find the Pinneapple Fanta to get it's nasty taste out of my mouth...BEVERLY!

After the World of Coke I blew a 12 year old's mind at his own birthday dinner by informing him that I won $25,000 on a gameshow called The Cube. He also thinks I'm famous because I've been in TV and Commercials. Man, kids are dumb as SHIT. Also, don't worry about what I ate at the dinner, it wasn't much to write about.

What else do you do in HOTLANTA? A Braves game of course! The reigning champs have themselves quite a lovely, if not controversial, new stadium way out in the burbs where the RICHERS live. It's basically like a big Atlanta Braves theme park. After you get out of the parking decks you immediately walk into a miniature town filled with bars, restaurants, candy shops, merch stands, even New Orleans-esque daiquiri bars like Fat Tuesday. This is clearly setup to maximize post-season participation. The park itself is shiny and new AND! I GOT A BEER BAT! CRACK - glugluglug! As well as some cotton candy! FUCK THIS DIET SON! I'm on a ROAD TRIP.

The next day we pack it up and move toward Savannah, but this is a road trip mind you and what good is a road trip without a tourist trap thrown in there? The great Georgian Peach Orchard called Lane's was this tourist's trap of choice! Hey, clean bathroom's I'll give them that. I'll also give them this!: BEEF BRISKET GRILLED CHEESE, FRIED GREEN TOMATOES AND FRIED PIMENTO CHEESE BITES MAW FUGGLERS! CAN I SAY FUCK THIS DIET ANY MORE TIMES! YES, I will be. Food was decent, can't fuck up fried cheese and the raspberry jam they gave me with the order paired surprisingly well. 

HOWEVER! The whole reason for even going is peach cobbler ALA MODE with peach soft serve ice cream. THAT, was legit delish.

Belly full and totally pleased with my tourist trap I make it the rest of the way to sweet sweet Savannah, GA! I'm instantly blown away by the beautiful historical architecture and the haunting live oak trees and spanish moss which line the streets. Unlike Asheville, Savannah delivers on every possible level. It's a fun town just to walk around but there seem to be a ton of fun ways to blow your money there as well. Ways like...

Buying BOOZE and taking it on your walk with you. That's right! Just like New Orleans and Vegas and SHIT seemingly anywhere now depending in what parts of what towns you find yourself, if you waltz into any old spot in Savannah and you ask for a drink to go they just pour it in a plastic cup and you walk it on out the door and down the street to the next place you want to buy a drink. I had a lot of drinks while I was there so I'll rank them later. The only PLACE I want to let ya'll cheatin' ass busters know about based on the drinks is OF COURSE Wet Willie's which is Savannah's MAW FUGGIN' daiquiri bar! ALCHO-SLUSHIES ya'll! AND LOTS OF EM. I CHUGGED, through brain freezes, a MUD SLIDE and a MONSTER MELON. Both delicious and both couldn't be more different from one another. I must say, they hit the spot in the sticky southern summer and they leave a big fat tub like me delightfully buzzed, so if you're normal sized WATCH OUT! It's a chain, I know I get it. They all are. BUT I LOVE THEM!

Here are all of my Savannah Walking Drinks Ranked:

• Peach Sangria  - Bernie's Oyster House - Pumped, primed and pready for action I just went into the first bar I saw and grabbed the most refreshing looking drink on the menu.
• Terrapin Los Bravos local Beer - Quite a refreshing local take on a Mexican Lager
• Half Way Crooks - RADIX - a delicious and refreshing German Style Pils from the area. I love their dedication to German style beers and less so on the IPA in this region.
• Mud Slide - Chocolate Alcho-slushi from Wet Willie's, HOLY HELL a dessert and a drink.
• 1 Whiskey 1 Scotch 1 Beer - The Grey restaurant - it was 3 drinks for $15 bucks at one of the "best restaurants in the country"
• Monkey Business from Tandem Coffee and Spirits - A DELICIOUS iced coffee beverage with banana liqueur and irish cream. I got one two days in a row.
• Monster Melon - Wet Willies - Picked it up on my way out of town and it just really suits my taste. I love it. 

Savannah is very much a walking town and now that I'm boozed up and moving my feet I'm ready to eat. My first meal takes place at Savannah Seafood Shack where I take a low country boil STRAIGHT to the face! It was out of this world good. I could have eaten two. No lie, best corn on the cob I've ever eaten and believe it or not CORN is not diet friendly, so YES I'm still being bad. Oh yeah, the whole bag is steamed and steeped in butter anyway. Crab legs, shrimp, sausage, potato and delicious spices. MMMMmmM. I want another!

The hotel I was in boasted a free breakfast and TACO FUCKIN TUESDAYS where I got some tacos and beer with the cost of staying! OINK OINK OINK! It was standard hotel breakfast, but why spend on breakfast with low country boils like the one I just MONCHED?!

The best Savannah lunch goes to the BOWL O' SOUL at Crystal Beer Parlor. The Bowl O' Soul is creamy grits topped with pulled pork, collard greens, pimento cheese, onion rings and a side of GOT DANG CORN BREAD. SWEET SOUTHERN SUNDAY Suck me Sideways AGAIN!

Finally, we get to din-din numero dos. This here is for all intents and purposes the MAIN EVENT of the whole road trip. This is THE GREY. A restaurant whose chef, Mashama Bailey, has won the most recent BEARD award for outstanding chef. OOOO, well I'll be. PINKYS FUCKING UP! WAIT A MINUTE, It's called The Grey because I'm bout to be eating inside an old Greyhound BUS STATION! Pinkies back down SUCKA! JK, it's awesome inside. The decor is tight...but so are the tables. The menu is PRICKS FIX and a lot like tapas, which ain't my style. But, I go along to get along and if the food is good then it's good and I'm happy. 

The food is good, no doubt. Oysters, I tried one...still not my thing. Tuna appetizer, quite good...keep it coming. HOLD THE FORT! Where'd the food go? Someone dropped the ball and my party and I were left sitting in the cramped table with NOTHING TO EAT for about 45 minutes to an hour. VERY unappreciated at the finest restaurant in the country! Should it not be a well oiled machine? OILED WITH LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY?! They give us free fried rice balls, yipee, they're fine I mean c'mon..they're fried. We power through and they finally get the rest of our courses out to us: Okra, carolina gold and delicious ruby shrimp, Smoked Pork with hominy - tender and yummy and Finally, the likely CULPRIT of the hold up: 50 ounces of roasted rib eye with a garlic butter pat resting atop. They didn't even ask us how we wanted it cooked and it was cooked perfectly. Well played and touche!

Because of the HORRIFIC delay they gave us a round of dessert/drinks for free. Two of us ordered the Revolver Dessert cocktail: Rye, coffee liqueur, orange bitters: Boozy and delicious. And one, more adventurous party member got the Marscapone Fruit Tart with Corn SMUT ice cream! This ice cream was not the best ice cream ever, but may have been the most interesting tasting ice cream I've ever eaten. Touche again, Greyhound Bus Station!

Having to leave my new favorite city the very next day was a sad day indeed, but I still had a great and many miles to cover on my way back home, especially as I tacked on an additional short stop in Charleston, South Cacka-Lacky. Having only a couple of hours in this ALSO beautiful and historic city my food choices were short and sweet. First, we pulled off in the ghetto of Charleston at Hannibal's Souls Kitchen for a delicious shrimp and crab rice. We followed that up with a couple of Empanadas and Argentinian Ice Cream at one of only two Freddo Gelato in the U.S. (the other is in Miami.) These empanadas were legit delicious, one was beef, the other chorizo and cheese...MAN I love chorizo. Their mint chocolate chip was SWEET minty goodness and the banana split I sampled was off the charts. This place, as well as the delightful sights made the stop in Charleston well worth it. 

Being back home from the road I decided to continue the cheat week with a breakfast burrito, some Stiegl Golds and some WiseGuy pizza on Friday. I started the diet back up the next day on what should normally be Cheat Day and I sit here writing this blog getting hungrier by the word. I just recently started this diet over again and I've already strayed. Most of you who know me and see me during the week know that I take it very seriously. But, honestly, some times you gotta take breaks from things. Sometimes you have to go along to get along. Sometimes you discover that you can eat a number of things on a road trip that mostly fit in with your crazy and ridiculous diet and it actually ISN'T that hard to stay healthy away from your routine! I'll be GOSH DARNED and here's a quick recap of things I ate on the road that I could eat any old crummy day of the week:

Lamb Skewers

Shrimp

Crab Legs

Steak

Nuts

Jerky

Smoked Pork

Sauteed Onions

Roasted Red Peppers 

Eggplant

Gazpacho

Octopus 

Eggs

Tuna

Okra

Iced Zacks

Go on an adventure. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other and eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,

Zach

Cheat Trip - Asheville, NC

Just a Couple Of Dogs on the Road

HOkay Cheaters, confession time. Cheatin’ life is a hard life. It is not for everybody. Every cheater cheats. Every cheater strays. It’s tough AF to cheat on a roadtrip. It’s also tough not to cheat. This Cheat Day, I was on the road 6+ hours of the day. That’s nearly half of my daily waking hours! Sure, there are cheat-tastic snacks your can munch on while driving, but you can’t GET DOWN on some real heart stoppers like you can in the booth of a greasy spoon. 

I’m telling you this to say I did what I could this past Cheat Day. So, sit back and enjoy the first Cheat Day Road Trip.                             

I BUSTED out of bed early, this time not just cause of Cheat Day, but because I got places to GO! I know I’ve got much of my day goin’ to the road so I waste no bidness. I cram a banana, and banana poppy MUFFIC and, inspired by Paddington the bear I make myself a marmalade sandwich on white bread and inhale it. While I lick the stickiness off my fingys I load the car up with road snacks purchased in preparation: oranges, cherries, bananas…gettin’ FRUITY today MAWfugs! I also loaded the bad boy up with twizzlers, junior mints, peanut butter cup filled trail mix and KETTLE COOKED mesquite BBQ lays potato chips. Ready Freddy? Let’s go!

         

I knew I couldn’t just skip town without more treats than this, so before hitting the road for Asheville, NC my companions and I make a stop local Richmond, VA bakery, Sub Rosa. This wood fired oven with a corner store ALREADY has a line out the door but it does not deter us. My good ol’companion, Sally Small Stomach, knows her way around a bakery so with a pat on the butt and belief in my heart I send her into the shop to order for me. She doesn’t let me down.

She comes out with a piece of quiche (as recommended by the internet), a peach/blackberry tart, a jalapeño cheddar pastry, a local honey and brie cheese pastry, a VERY fancy moorish spiced lamb hot pocket and a chocolate and raspberry croissant! WHAT THE FUDGE?! Now we’re cheatin’!

 

There’s no time to waste, so we bring the WHOLE box of treats into the car for the ride. We hit the road and Sally Small Stomach starts handing me treats one at a time and because I am driving I accept this method of cheat treat delivery. Each bite of each pastry is absolutely delicious. That jalapeño/cheddar pastry was so spicy and flavorful without being painful on the tongue that it caused me to break out into song, the moorish lamb hot pocket was so well spiced and tender that I could have eaten three of them. I, of course, did not. Each of these items was so crisp and fluffy and flakey that it left me the front of me a crusty ass mess. Because you Buzzfeed generation nerds like your BULLSHIT ranked here it goes:

1. Chocolate/Raspberry croisant - best croissant coverage I’ve ever had
   
2. Jalapeno/Cheddar pastry - Perfect spice level
3. Moorish spiced lamb pocket - I’m a savory guy what can I say.
4. Raspberry/peach tart - great seasonal combo
5. Honey/Brie Pastry - now I HATE brie cheese with a passion (FIGHT ME FUCKER!), so I can’t give this one a full rating, but they honey on that pastry was dope AF. 
6. Quiche - it was good, just overhyped by the internet… just another thing on the pile of things the internet ruins.

GREAT! Just 5 hours left on the drive, what do I eat now?! I told yer DUMBASSES I’ll be eating twizzlers, junior mints, trail mix, and TONS AND TONS of Fruit and It’s awesome. I ainn’t gonna kid ya. Fruit was something I seriously missed last week and fixed on making up for it this week. Cherries is a smart and delicious summer road trip snack. They got dem vitamins for ya, but also they be keeping your hands busy while you pop’em one at a time. Giving your tongue and lips a work out, NAW’M SAYIN?! If oranges aren’t in your top 3 fruits to eat any time anywhere then stop reading, you no longer get to enjoy my gluttony. Finally, bananas. Just eat them before they’re gone alight!

We try to stop at a country fudge stand somewhere off I-81 in the middle of Virginia but their dumb hillbilly asses were closed…mid day…on a SATURDAY! They done fucked up and forgot what day it was. I was about to break my bank up in that fudge stand. 

Undaunted by this minor set back my companions and I trudged on. We pull up to the little mountain inn where we would be staying and discover that there is an adjacent Taco Bell. It must be my lucky Cheat Day. This here is my 4th Cheat Day back on the horse and I no longer have the patience for no more Taco Bell, even though I am visiting a small country town specifically to indulge in their local fare I cannot deny myself a trip to the bell any longer. Not with one this close! I march my ass across the parking lot to the bell. The staff sees me coming. They start to sweat. I kick the door, the glass shatters. I step through take a big whiff and say, “Smell’s like it’s time for ya’ll to clean the bathrooms.”

To which the shift manager replies, “No sir, we saw you coming and Sandra pissed herself.”

“It’s been known to happen Sandra, go clean yourself up. I’ll make this quick. GIMME ONE A THEM CHEESEY DOUBLE BEEF BURRITOS with a soft taco SUPREME! Yes, it is Cheat Day, but I am here in your one horse mountain town for it’s other food so I will eat lightly…FOR NOW!” I tell the staff. With Sandra out of commission the rest of the staff take their sweet southern time making my two item order. Finally my name is called and I shove the old mountain uber-eats driver lady out of my way to retrieve my sack of bell then take it out the parking lot and take it to the house!

With a belch and a belly slap we move on to local southern grocery chain, Ingles, so I can finally get my ass some GOT DANG beer! I make myself a 6 pack of all NC beers and I drink them throughout the night. Some of you are beer fans and I can tell by the late night drunken messages sliding into my DMs so I’ll get this out of the way now. Here’s the beers (RANKED LIKE I’M A FUGGIN BUZZFEED QUEEN!)

1. Farmer Ted’s Blonde Ale - Delicious on a Hot Hike 
2. Little River - An easy sipper in a country hotel room
3. Camper IPA - Not a big IPA guy, but this one is easy peasy
4. Sunburst - Love the can and goes real nice with a hot shower
5. Hazy Heights - Not memorable
6. Green Man ESP - Just not very good IMO.

“Alright FartPinch, quit DICKIN’ us around with your lists and your FAST FOOD. You’re in a complete new place. Tell us where we should eat if we find ourselves unfortunate enough to be in Asheville, NC.”

You got it, dip shits! Next up?! McDonalds.  "Awww MAN! C'mon!" And I am NOT kidding. Not just any fuckin’ McDonald’s though! Do I look, act, write, and eat like a fuckin’ PLEEB?! No fucking WAY…well maybe a little. But THIS my friends is known as the world’s fanciest McDonald’s, located just outside of the Biltmore Mansion estate in Asheville. It boasts actual golden arches, a miniature grand/player piano, overly ornate indoor decor, and a staff dressed in tuxedo garb. 

“AWWW SHMACK! How was it?”

It was just like your BEST visit to any McDonald’s my friends, incredibly disappointing. Decor? Sure. But the staff was a bad McDonald’s staff at best, dressed so and all. There was a stupid mini-grand piano playing old timey piano tunes which was kind of fun, but not really worth making a stop into a McDonald’s for. The cherry on top, though, the mother fucking hot fudge sundae machines was “down” or “being cleaned” said the incredibly disgruntled manager. Now, I know this is supposedly a god damned conspiracy, according to the internet, but this really blows the whole thing wide open for me! If the WORLD’S fanciest McDonald’s can’t keep their GOD DAMN hot fudge sundae machine in operation? FUCK YOU lizard people! What’s really going on here?! Huh?! Keeping all the fudge all for yourself?! Not enough that you have 90% of the wealth you need 100% of the fudge too?! C’mon man! I’m no socialist, but this is ridiculous! 

Alright, stepping down, stepping off. Let me class it up a bit. 

The Grove Park Inn in Asheville is a classic and classy southern hotel and resort which boasts some of the most splendid views in all of the blue ridge mountain region. Just ask any search engine, they all say the same thing about the fucking views. They aren’t wrong, but get the fuck over it, alright, we get it, what else you got? We make it in time for a sun set cocktail on the veranda with the best dressed debutants in all of Asheville. My scotch gold rush was VERY strong and smokey, perfect for me. Cough cough. Sally small stomach enjoyed a Paper Plane, fruity and delicious. The booze hit the blood stream like a warm calming blanket. After the drink settled in my stomach I thought maybe it’s time for one more big meal. 

Asheville is supposed to have rather large and impressive food scene and so we scour many of the internet lists of best places to eat. This being Cheat Day and all I decide it should be highly Cheat Day friendly. Rocky’s Hot Chicken Shack showed up on ALL the lists and checked a lot of Cheat Day boxes for ol’Fart Pinch. It’s Nashville style fried chicken with dank southern sides and a full fuckin’ bar. CHEAT.DAY! We pull up to the shack and I slap my big cheat dick on the counter. 

“I’ll take 4 HOT tenders.” I tell the lady

“Our normal is hotter than most hots, just so you know.” She replies with a hospitable southern mask over her judgmental face. 

“Oh, is that so? FIVE HOT TENDERS PLEASE! With some Mac and Cheese and corn pudding on the side! I’ll have an order of fried pickles, cheer wine, one of your local “Pisgah” ales, and a GOD DAMN PIMMS CUMP while I’m at it!” I say with bravado! This is how a man eats on CHEAT DAY!

Rocky’s does not disappoint. It’s a great little indoor/outdoor eatery. Place your order, take your number to your seat and don’t wait too long for some delicious sides and some pretty spot on Nashville style chicken. Again, IF you find yourself in Asheville for some sad reason, this is worth a stop.

Perfectly satisfied with the Cheat Day and road worn I return to the hotel to finish day one my road trip and hope to god I don’t stray too far from the diet out here in the wilderness. Tune in next week to find out how THAT goes. BTW! This week's coveted point and pump goes to SUB ROSA from Richmond. 

Meanwhile, here’s how the diet is GOING! I bought a new ACTUAL measuring tape, so if this doesn’t MEASURE UP I blame the legit tape. I will be sticking with it for a few weeks with this new measurement device regardless! Without further ado, my measurements are!

NIPS: 48 inches (UP 2 inches from last week....uh must be the tape measure...AND Chest/Triceps day

Belly Button: 44.5 inches (UP 5/8ths on an inch from last week, not terrible considering the new measuring system)

HIPS: 42.5 inches (UP 1/4 of an inch - keep that booty TOIGHT)

GTP: Back down to 116 mm (getting a little frightened)

Road trips and vacations make this Slow Carb diet hard. Take a break but get back to it. Enjoy your travels. Say yes to things. Fuck shit up then rebuild. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other and eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,

Zach

AVAIL Weekend: A Fruitless Cheat Day

HOLY SHIT y'all! That's right, I'm southern again, SO WHAT?! Gettin' DOWN'N'DIRTY, cheatin' SOUTHERN STYLE! What a wild weekend and a seriously raunchy cheat day to boot. Strap in cheaters cause this one slaps.

Friday night, Tim Barry plays in Richmond. Friends are in town. Some friends I haven't seen in a decade are there. It's a musical celebration. I sing along with every song at the top of my lungs, as did everyone else in the joint. COVID much? I don't fucking care! GIVE IT TO ME! Tim Barry preaches and he makes you feel things. All sorts of things...in your heart. In your gut. And deep DEEP down in yer loins as well. My man! He ends the night with a dance party. 

My crew is hammered and hungry, so even though I cannot partake I drive them through the drive thru of a Cookout. It won't be too long before I return there on an actual Cheat Day. Southerners know what THE FUCK I'M TALKIN' ABOUT! It's L to the Max's first time in VA so I tell her to get the cook out tray and make it fuckin' sing. McD is no stranger to Cookout, so I let him do his thang. Jimmy Mac (the fastest gun east of the Mississippi) orders a hot dog with Ketchup. L to the Max from Chi-Town about ripped his god damn throat out over that one. 

The janky ass drive thru box was tough to navigate with a car full of drunks. After the order for the hot dog was placed either the dork working the radio can't hear me...or he's yankin' my crank "Anything else?" he asked. 

"Yeah, a hot dog with ketchup!" I yell as politely as possible, getting a little peckish and knowing I would not be partaking in any of these delicious food items.

"Garble garble Garble..An- -ing...ELSE?" Says the giant pimple working the cans.

"A HOT DOG WITH KETCHUP!" I shout, again as politely as possible, growing increasingly more frustrated.

"A-y Th-g Else?!" is shouted once again and this time I think this fucking PIP SQUEAK is DARING ME to break my Cheat Day code and I'm about to seriously let him have it-

"A HOT DOG WITH KETCHU-"

"I got the hot dog, anything else?" Says the nerd

"NO!" No, god dammit. Mother fucker, does it sound like theres anything else. Jesus H. Sigh. I let it go. My crew and I laugh it off and they enjoy their delicious snacks as I drive home hungry as fuck. I eat slices of lunch meat and hummus at home then try to fall asleep as quickly as possible. For tomorrow, it is my turn!

I wake up late for the day so I shove the end piece of a loaf of bread in my mouth before gathering up the crew for a most important Cheat Day breakfast bonanza. 

First Stop? Early Bird Biscuit. I'll just say it now. Maw Fuggin Point.And.Pump. Maw fugglers! Ya dig? Shit's good. Real good. There's a medium wait in a line but I'm not sweatin' it none cause Cheat Day don't care if there's lines, Cheat Day gon git what Cheat Day wants.

Once we order, our food is up QUICK. Representin' VA I order a VA Ham Biscuit sammy....wait for it! AND a Saturday Meat Lovers special ...sammy. The ham biscuit was no frills deliciousness, just nice salty ham and a fluffy, buttery square biscuit.

THE SATURDAY SPECIAL?! Instantly a top 3 biscuit I've ever effing tasted! The cheese to bite ratio was immaculate, the biscuit held fast and true, the meat omelet consisted of bacon bits and chunks of delicious sausage with some peppers and onions for flavor. CHEESEY. FLAKEY. BUTTERY. MEATY! Last week I said breakfast is easy enough to do at home. THIS PLACE took a tasty DUMP all over that notion. GO GIT you one! 

 

I munched down on both my biscuits in the car, making a mess of crumbs in my crotch all the way to Country Style Donuts, a classic Richmond staple. Country Style looks like a real shit hole. That's how you know it's gonna be tits. It's a shack off the side of a country road near the Richmond airport. It's a dingy dive of a donut shop. There's a 13-inch old tube tv mounted to a corner next to the menu playing news from 1987. Donuts sit stacked behind the counter ready to be devoured. Apple Fritters and Cinnamon Rolls twice the size of my FAT head sit in the glass case that makes up the counter. If heaven doesn't exist send me to Country Style Donuts when I die.

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I order half a dozen for no other reason besides it is FUGGIN Cheat Day, c'mon now how many times do I have to say it?! I get two chocolate creme, two glazed, a Boston creme, and a fuckin' jelly. I pound one of the chocolate creme's in the car just gettin' my crotch DUSTED in powdered sugar. Between the biscuit crumbs and the powdered sugar, my crotch has never tasted so delicious. The donut? amazing. Many moons ago I lived by this ol'country donut shack. It already was my favorite donut ever in the history of the world and it continues to hold that title. It's soft, doughy, sweet, sugary, chocolatey, and large UGH! I want another one right now! Maybe next time on Cheat Day.

Time is somewhat of the essence on this Cheat Day as Richmond's favorite band, AVAIL is throwing a big festival on Brown's Island this Cheat Day'eve. It's already around noon so we gots to get back to the house to regroup. Broman and Mrs. Broman, along with my slumlord meet my motley crew back at the crib. Did someone say hair of the dog?! BEERS BEERS BEERS CHEESE COCKTAILS AND BEERS! Booze will perk me up good. I get to knockin' back 3 Stiegl Golds and a Millie Lite or 2. This Cheat Day's charcuterie board is VERY fuckin' cheesey. The slumlord pops open his cocktail book and looks for a cheat day cocktail that we've got ingredients for and can serve up to everyone. Whiskey's my spirit and that's our base for the "Brooklyn" cocktail. It's not bad, but much like the borough that is it's namesake it is
just plain not as good as Manhattan. 

  

Sufficiently drunk and full, we're still met with hours to kill before the big show. We decide to venture out into the ridiculous Richmond heat for a contest. The game? Disc Golf, a huge local and possibly international sensation sweeping the land. It's like playing fetch...WITH YOURSELF. Can you drink?! Not legally. Does Cheat Day care? DO I even have to fucking ASK?! I get to tossin' Millie Lites out to anyone who wants one. I drink a can of rosé. I slide all my bottles and cans up in my maw fuggin' robo coozy to keep em nice and cool. Broman and and Mrs. Broman bring out some of her patented cookie dough dip with pretzels to snack on. Uhoh...here it comes... Point. AND. PUMP! This DElicious home made dip delights! She wouldn't tell me what was in it cause...I guess it's not healthy. PFFF I asked her, I asked, "Do you think Cheat Day fucking CARES?! Cause it doesn't!" 

Look Closely For Cookie Dough Dip and the Robo-Coozy Under My Arm

"Cream cheese" she says, "it's mostly cream cheese." Well it's still delicious anyway! Go figure it out for yourselves and give your mouth a party people! 

I have a great time on the front 9 of Bryan Park, but it's time for Cheat Day's main event, AVAIL live at Brown's Island. Richmond's favorite sons will be gracing such a large stage and I am über effing stoked for it! McD drives us down to the event. Once we get through security I pop a gummy which I successfully sneak in through the gates (CHEAT DAY!). We march straight up to...Where else?! THE BEER TENT! The line is long. The clouds over head? Dark and ominous. We get to the front. Lightning strikes. Literally. Instead of ordering a beer, some weather patsy tells me they are clearing the island until at least half an hour after the last lightning strike. "Fuuuuuuuck YOU! Oh, like we AREN'T gonna get struck by lightning over there on the other side of the canal?! WHATEVER MAN!"

My crew and I leave, find a nearby piece of sheet metal and hide under the tallest tree we can find. After quickly tiring of that we say, "FUCK I want a beer and some food (CHEAT DAY!)" and we walk our asses up a giant hill to go to Penny Lane Pub to wait out the storm. This was a perfect idea. Not only do they serve up delicious Carlsberg on tap but they have a pretty tasty British themed pub food menu. I get myself a Will and Kate Plate (Whoever the fuck they are) which is a decent sausage (pfff Brits) in a very lovely fluffy and flakey Cornish Pastey served with a big old cup of gravy. MMMMMM gravy. 

ALSO! I got me the Irish Cheese Fries. Simple! Cheesy! Delicious! The cheese sauce on dem jammers was spicy AF too! Just like I like it. So flavorful. So bad for you. So worth it. So Cheat Day. The pot gummy kicks in. I acknowledge how drunk I am. I crush my food and I stop drinking for a moment. We notice other festival goers closing out and heading back down to the show, so we follow suit. THANK GOD it's all down hill! The weather feels so much better after the storm and as the sun sets. It actually works out nicely.

We set up our lawn chairs at a great space about halfway between the stage...and the food trucks. Cause ya'll know Cheat Day ain't over and ya'll know I'm older and wiser so papa gots to sits. I may be drunk and high and fading fast but it's only about 7 PM at this point! Let's GO! I sit in my chair and stare a while. Half the group goes to get some beers. I drink one OF COURSE. Afterwards that drunken queasiness comes back. "Let me ask yous again....does Cheat Day care?!" It does not. 

I stand and go for a walk to get some air. The food trucks seemed like a nice distance away for a walk. The only thing I knew I wanted was Funnel Cake. Why are festivals and carnivals the only place to get funnel cake for fucks sake?! Sometimes I might just want a god damn funnel cake. Jimmy Mac (The fastest gun east of the Mississippi) escorts me to make sure I don't fall over. What a guy. We decide on the 4 brothers truck. They do burgers and Cheesesteaks. I opt for a Cheesesteak on top of the Funnel Cake. Not literally on top, YOU ANIMALS!

The Cheesesteak and Funnel Cake come out so quick I could barely believe it. The Cheesesteak is salty and mediocre and the cheesewiz they put on it wasn't anywhere NEAR as good as that cheese sauce from Penny Lane. Worth it? Cheat Day don't care. The Funnel Cake?! FUCKING PERFECT! It was basically like little fried dough fries covered in crystalized sugar! MY GOD! So much god damn sugar. It's the best. Everywhere should have it as a dessert option.

AVAIL takes the stage. The band, the cheesesteak, the funnel cake and the sitting in my chair during an opener and a half have me back in it! 100%! AVAIL fucking RIP! Big surprise. The CSX trains roll by and get their own choo choo train solo, which if you know anything about AVAIL this is pretty fucking poetic. The weather stays decent too. It was a beautiful thing.

After the show we walk our asses all the way back up the hill to the car. Stop at 7-11 on the way home for a last ditch Cheat Day effort: Taquitos, Snickers and Dr. Pepper mixed with Cream Soda. CHEAT DAY! NO FRUIT EDITION! I can also say that Dr. Pepper mixed with Cream Soda is pretty fucking tasty. I'm not huge on Sodas but MY GOD is that one delicious. WORTH IT!

After all of that I woke up the day after Cheat Day a little worse for the wear, but I managed to get myself measured and I lost some serious inches yet again! BOO-YA BABY! Ya'll want the numbers?! I know you want those numbers! Here they are:

NIPS: 46 in (DOWN 1 3/4 inches! SO SKENNY BOTCH!)
BB: 43 7/8 in (DOWN 3/8ths of an inch, STILL LOSIN')
HIPS: 42 1/4 in (THE SAME, which is what this booty is lookin' for!)
GTP: 119 MM (HOLY SHIT, SHIT'S SWINGIN'!)

Wow, I love it. I love Cheat Day. I love it every gosh darn week. It makes the rest of the week oh so worth it. The rest of the week gets easier and easier thanks to meals like this:

Greek Salad with grilled chicken breast and without feta
Brats and sauerkraut
Spicy cooked shrimp with bulgur
Fried eggs with guacamole
Foods to snack on: Peanuts, jerky, lunch meat, hard boiled eggs, celery with peanut butter

Damn ya'll. What a great way to lose weight. Give yourself something to look forward to. Do yourself a favor and deny yourself some wonderful things long enough until you really really deserve them. Go to a show. Get together with old friends. Laugh so hard you might puke. Go get a tattoo to remember it all by. Eat a specialty biscuit from Early Bird Biscuits. God dammit listen to Tim Barry and Avail! 

Take care of yourselves, take care of each other and eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach