A Bajan Birth/Cheat Day

NEW RULE! If I for any reason cheat OUTSIDE OF Cheat Day, the following Cheat Day I am only allowed a cheat MEAL! 

"Woah woah woah woah! Fart Pinch....What'd you go an do?!"

Good question reader! I went on a little weekend getaway in the Caribbean for my birthday. 

"NICE! How old are you, Fart Pinch?"

NEVERMIND! All you need to know is I CHEATED for like 5 straight days, and here's what I ate! I land in Barbados and, after getting whipped around the island on the wrong side of the road in an old panel van, I am handed a POWERFUL Rum Punch from the hotel bar. I crush it and am instantly drunk.

Turns out, it ain't yet dinner time on the resort so I'm forced to order a ham sandwich and some fries. NUMBER ONE LESSON! Don't EVER order fries in a fancy place (fine dining restaurant, hotel, country club, etc.) they WILL suck. Fries are meant to be from fast food and chain restaurants. 

Lesson Maw Fuggin TWO: Food in other countries is just better. This ham sandwich looked like some cheap assed slice of canned ham on a stale hot dog bun, but it wasn't that at all! It was FRIGGIN DANK, naw mean?! The bread was nice and fluffy and the ham was tender and salty and the CHEESE! My god, the best slice of cheddar cheese I've had on a sandwich in some time! I wish I'd ordered more. 

What did I have to wash this ugly duckling down? Well don't ASK! GOD! I can't keep track of every fruity frosty tropical drink I drank while basking in the crystal blue water to best the sunny skies for you, OKAY?! We will just say it's this bad boy:

The Canvas was a muddled or pureed watermelon cocktail with a little melon liquor, rum, and basil. It was the most refreshing rum punched drink I've had in my life and I SUGGEST you try making some on your own...maybe next summer when watermelon are back out whole hoggin' it!

After a couple rum punches, two or three Canvases and about 6 Carib beers it was dinner time. I didn't know what to expect at the hotel restaurant but this was a fine dining experience. I ended up crushing... ya know what? I can't really remember. I left my phone in the room, which is what you SHOULD DO on an island vacation!

This is vacation, so I roll out of bed when I darn well FEEL LIKE! I shake off the previous day's trip and I strut back to the restaurant for my GOSH DARN breakfast. There's continental and a full menu. YES I GET BOTH! Fruit, pastries, cereal make up the continental bar and for B-Fast #1 I take on their breakfast burrito. 

Beach time get's had and I make sure to work in a run before hopping on the water taxi and floating on down one of the sister resorts. Low and behold there's a GOT DAMN swim up cave bar in the pool at the sister resort! I sit their a while and enjoy a couple mango coladas, banana daiquiri's and several more Caribs and Presidente beers.

Pleasantly buzzed and sun soaked I go and search for some vitals. What luck! There's a beachside lunch buffet on the patio! I crush some of the most delicious curry I've ever eaten and have a lil'piece of Hawaiian pizza (they love pineapple on pizza BTW) and a few more horrible fries (like a DUMMY...but those fries dipped in that curry was still delicious)! 

Back at home base we catch a "bus" to downtown Bridgetown to experience the Friday Night Fishfry. The whole town turns out for this festival-esque feast. I immediately grab 4 Banks Beers for $12 Bajan dollars and head for Uncle George's stand. I snag the swordfish and Sally Small Stomach decides to one up me with a a whole Red Snapper. The sides that come with these tasty local catches are outstanding and plentiful. Food is just better outside the U.S. Mac and Cheese, cole slaw, grilled potato, sea weed salad.                                  
On our drive through the city I notice a fast food looking place I did not recognize called Chefette. It's a local Bajan chain that has chicken sandwiches, burgers, pizzas, pastas, ice creams, fries and their specialty, Roti. According to O'Neal the cab driver people call ahead an order frozen Roti by the dozens to bring back home with them. Naturally, I have to try this. I spot a Chefette from the fish fry festival and, this maybe being my one chance I waddle my fat full ass down the street to the Bajan Burger King. I get a lentil roti and some fries. 

The fries are FINALLY what fries should be and the lentil roti was a little fast food Indian burrito delight. ESPECIALLY if you like Indian spices. AND I DO!

The next morning it is officially Cheat Day AND it's officially my BIRTHDAY. WHAT?! What a world we live in for that to happen on accident like that. I'm feeling bloated from all the food and all the sugary rum drinks so I make sure I get in a nice hard work out first thing before doing anything and going anywhere. #BuffLikeMe But then? It's breakfast time. 

I am in a little region on the island known as Payne's Bay and there is a "Payne's Bay Breakfast" on the breakfast menu...so naturally I have to have it. It's out of control! It's Caribbean fish stew with some kind of crazy delicious hush puppies, hash browns and grilled plantains! I've never been a big fish guy, and I NEVER thought I'd want it for breakfast, but I ate this for breakfast every other day since.

After breakfast we hop the water taxi up the shore to Crystal Cove for a few hours of relaxing in the sun on the beach and by the pool, snorkeling the crystal blue Caribbean waters, engorging ourselves with more delicious offerings from the beach side lunch buffet and knocking back sweet sweet rum drinks at the swim up cave bar. The drinks of choice for birthday Cheat Day are Mango-Coladas and Banana Daiquiris. TOP DRAWER! 

Back at home base I catch the most glorious sunset I've ever seen while drinking MORE delicious and fruity beverages and waiting for dinner to start. For dinner the Tapestry restaurant served up some delicious leek soup and bread to start, followed by pork loin over risotto and corn with some broccoli and the other was fish on a fried cake thing that was outstanding. 

                                 

The waitress would NOT stop pouring me Rosé which was outstanding and I got AWFULLY drunk while this local lady sang some hits to the Brits growing increasingly more drunk along with me. We waited forever for a dessert menu and I knew what I wanted anyway: chocolate cake with some ice cream in the middle. EAT IT! PLUS some outstanding alcoholic coffee drinks RUM A DUM DUM.                                                                      
Surprisingly I woke up not feeling too hungover in time for the morning yoga on the beach. It cleansed my soul and gave some vital organs a good wringing out. Today, I stick around the home base resort and chill out on the sand and walk the beach and stay by Tapestry for lunch where I eat a little salad FINALLY, tacos and some chicken curry thing that was delicious. Those little crisp things that came with it I could just never stop eating. 

                       

When dinner rolls around I head to the Wave hotel and resort, which seems to be the flagship of the whole operation. It's quite nicely setup and one of their two restaurants is a fine Asian fusion place. Melty Ahi Tuna and crispy beef with chili were the tasty start to the otherwise decent attempt at Asian Fusion. I had an oddly dry thai curry chicken dish, but Sally Small Stomach's seafood dish stole the main course show.

                          

The real winner, though, is their "bread" course which were just these very crispy fried wonton things with a tangy sweet and soury sauce. And dessert? Well, dessert was simply ice cream. Delicious of course, but not much to say there.

                                

After one final Payne's Bay breakfast and a few more canvases it was time to bid farewell to this little slice of paradise. What better way to leave paradise than with a sack full of Chefette? AND riding first class back home! 

          
I've never ridden first class before now and it is truly a dream. I'm handed a delicious cocktail to sip on whilst the lower class PLEABS board the plane. They come right out with more alcohol as soon as the plane was in the air. They slap my sunburnt face with a hot HOT towel. Next up is a tasty lil'dish of warm nuts followed by a full fucking meal of rib tips, mac and cheese, a sour dough roll, salad/hummus and a lil'piece of chocolate cake. ALL OF THAT, plus all the drinks you can drink and all the room in the world to spread out. There truly is no other way to fly.

         
Now, obviously there's no measurements this week since there was extra cheating and THIS WEEK there will be no Cheat Day, just a Cheat MEAL....womp womp, but thems the breaks.

Some final reminders: never order fries at a fancy place, food is just better in other countries, quality is mostly better than quantity but if you can get quality in quantity just say yes. 

Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

Budlong Budstrong

Greetings from Cheat Town you Cheatin' SOBs! I'm BACK in Chicago! This fat sack of shit gained weight over the course of the last two Cheat "Days" because I was cheating for multiple god damn days each god damn week. I weighed back in at 250 lbs and YOU KNOW how I HATE that number. I never want to be that again GOD DAMMIT! SO, I'm back at it hard and strong THIS week.

"Hey IDIOT! Does that mean you didn't cheat very hard this weekend? Cause if SO I'm gonna stop reading RIGHT NOW!"

CRAM IT WITH WALNUTS UGLY! I Cheated just fine! Although I was back in Chi-town this Cheat Day was quite unique as I woke up on Tony Giamichael's (of Man Called Noon fame!) couch hung THE FUCK over. I awoke around 10:30AM in a daze, unsure of where I was. A dog named Danny jumped on me and tried to force me to pet him. I shook him off and slowly pried myself away from the couch. Moments later I was staring into the refrigerator using the door to help prop me up.

There wasn't much in there that was Cheat Day worthy except watermelon, but that shit hit the spot I tell you what! It definitely helped curb my initial hangover symptoms. I polished off about 5 or 6 chunks of watermelon before I had to head to my improv class at The Annoyance Theatre.

I decided to walk the 30 minutes to The Annoyance to clear my head and think of a quick place to stop and get some serious cheat food. My hungover brain struggled to remember what was between me and the theatre. But then about 15 minutes in it hit me like an alien erupting from my gut...the Wrigleyville Taco Bell was between me and the theatre. The only question I had next was: would I make it in time for breakfast?

NO. I. WOULDN'T! FUCK, oh well. You know I'm still down for Taco Bell of any kind at any time. GIMME DAT. I got a cheesy gordita crunch with a Dorito taco, cause it's that BEST alright?! How many fuggin' times do I have to say it! I also got me a cheesy bean and rice burrito and a 5 layer burrito cause I'm trying to pinch pennies MAWfckler! Then off I went to class, STILL hungover, but happy full!

Carr Valley Cheese

After class I went home and ate some delicious cheese that Liz and I brought back from Wisconsin. It was cheddar...cheddar's better. I love cheese.

Then the same Tony from before came over with a bunch of Coronas and we drank some of those before heading off to this week's JOINT OF THE WEEK: The Budlong in Lincoln Square! The Budlong is a Nashville style fried chicken joint. You know, those southern themed places that seem to be popping up all over the place?

"Yeah dingus, we KNOW, how was THIS one?!"

hey HEY! It was great! Maybe the best one. The location in Lincoln Square is chill. Tony pointed out that it has an old fashioned wooden door with a knob, it's not a sterile glass push door like most business have these days. It feels homie, like a local country spot you kind of stumble in to on a road trip through the sticks. The service was exquisite. The staff was friendly and helpful and our food was ready PRONTO.

We each ordered the tenders. You get three giant ass chicken tenders seasoned in a level of hotness to your discretion. The scale goes from "naked" (sexy) to X-Hot (SEXIER). I didn't want to ruin the rest of Cheat Day with some sort of spice related stomach issue so I stuck with the Hot. Tony and I agreed that if you ENJOY spicy but aren't necessarily the bravest of spice fans that hot is the way to go. It's not knock you on your ass hot but it will get you sweating a little bit. I felt the pressure behind my eyeballs for instance, but my mouth was never fully on fire.

The tenders also comes with a piece of Texas toast. Here's a pro-tip for you: If you are considering getting a sandwich...don't. It's more expensive and you can just wrap one of your tenders in a BIG ASSED piece of Texas toast and making allowing you to turn one tender into a taco shaped sandwich.

Liz and Al (of Liz and the Lovelies fame) were playing the Blue Jean Gala for Old Town School of Folk Music in Lincoln Square as well. They were posted up outside of a Sushi joint, called Miku Sushi, which was offering up a buffet of sushi for the event. DID I PARTAKE you say?! What THE FUCK do you think?! It's CHEAT DAY idn't it?! I had three or four pieces of sushi, a few fried spring roll type things, some beef and chicken skewers with some DELICIOUS sauce, and a Sapporo beer.

The rest of the Cheat Day consisted of drinking heavily cause good Ol'James Manno threw a small party to make some of his friends feel better. So, naturally there were a lot of drinks. I drank 6 High Life tallboys, 2 or 3 PBRs, and 3 shots of Jack...and to be honest probably even more than that...but after so many you start to get a little fuzzy on what it was you drank.

I got to hang out with an old friend I haven't seen in a while so it seemed fitting. To her it was like stepping back into college because so many of us knew each other from those days and it sounds like where she lives she doesn't get to see that many people from back in the day. It was fun...and necessary.

So, if some of you were disappointed by how much I drank last week I hope that this makes up for it. Because, what ended up happening is I crashed on James MANNO'S couch Saturday night. That's right...2 couch crashes as the bread on a Cheat Day sandwich. Needless to say I need a rest. There was a lot of taking care of each other this weekend, which is SO good. I love to see it and I am happy to help when I can for almost all of you! But let's not forget...take care of yourselves. YES take care of each other. And eat like your life depended on it!

ELE,
Zach