An RVA Cheat Day Number 1

Greasy Bag of Fries From Cobra Lounge

HOLY SMOKES Cheat fans! Thank you SO so So SO much for the warm welcome back! Like, your enthusiasm really is wind beneath my big fat ham hocks! Keep your energy and recommendations coming because I'm feeling BIG things are gonna be happening with this new rendition of Cheat Day. Don't Care. It's almost like Cheat Day is starting to care a little- Not a lot! Cause really Cheat Day don't give a fuck.

"BRO pull our kielbasas out of your pie hole and make us hungry would ya?!" FUCK! Fine! But first! drum roll please....................>>>>>>>>>>>>>...............>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>...............RESULTS!

So, you may or may not remember that in this round I am measuring myself as I attempt to lose inches off of my fat fat torso. The ultimate goal? A cheat day FEAST for your eyes! The numbers last week were:

• 47 inches round the nips
• 45 inches round the belly button
• 43.5 inches round the hips
• A 113 mm GNS - Body perception line

The day after Cheat Day this week, ONE WEEK later? I measured in at:

• 45.5 inches round the nips
• 43 inches round the belly button
• 42.5 inches round the hips
• GTP - Body Perception UP to 115mm! NICE

BOOM! Eat that you horseys, anyone that's a NEIGH-sayer will be referred to as a horsey hence forth. And it's only going to get better from here. "WOAH! NO FRICKIN WAY, Like what did your sexy ass eat to shave off those inches from your torso AND add millimeters some other random spot on your body in just one week's time?!"

Well...peep this horsey-ass cheat fans!

Expertly Wrapped by Yours Truly

I awoke at my home base in Richmond, VA with one SEXY ass man on my couch, so I just KNEW I'd have to make him some breakfast and FAST. Dope ass breakfast burritos - all around. Chorizo, egg, pepper, onion, pico, guac, sour cream, CHEESE, TORTILLA. While those cooked I housed an apple, some watermelon, and about 6 Entenmann's wax chocolate donuts...you know the kind? Always unsatisfying.

                         

"Oh OH! APPLE?! WATERMELON?! That's not very CHEAT DAY of you FART PINCH!"

Uh...uh...YEAH IT IS FUCKER! I can't eat tasty ass fruit during the week, DICKS. So I'm gonna EAT IT and fucking LOVE IT! Fruit is a treat you ignorant sluts and I treated myself to an orange later on in the day too and guess what?! I fucking LOVE IT. 

The home made burritos hit the spot, but it was time to get to beer. "FINALLY!" I hit up my brother and hung out in the heat by his above ground farm-feeder pool knocking back Carlsberg's like it was my calling. Crisp, delicious, low to mid-level go-to Carlsberg really hits the spot on a 100 degree days. 

After a couple of "pops" in the sun I was starting to build up a hunger. I've been hearing a lot of hubbub about the burger over at this place called Cobra Burger in my old neighborhood, Church Hill. It's mentioned on some TruTV travel/food show, it won some national burger award on "The Talk's - Food Face Off," and it was brought up several times by some local Richmonders. Two of said Richmonders met me there to enjoy another burger themselves. This is a good sign.

I'm big on burgers. As a darn tootin' 'Merican it's GOT to be one of my favorite all time dishes. I've had some memorable burgs in my day and this one is supposed to crush them all. Well, let's get it out of the way up front. It didn't! Not because it wasn't good. IT WAS. It was a very good gourmet big mac. Worth the money and worth the trip. HOWEVER, I like my patties like I like my BOOTAYS: big, thick and JUICY. Cobra Burger cooks some, less preferred, THIN patties, stacks-em-up, and smashes! That's just not my way! 

Fries and Sauce

Their secret sauce is good especially on their fries which are also good, but reminiscent of long time burger magnate McDonalds' secret big mac sauce. It was messy, which I don't mind. I sometimes prefer my booties messy after all. The Richmonders who joined me turned the experience into a hangover cure and that seemed to work out pretty well for them, so take that for what it's worth. I give it all a pump, but no point. 

Satisfied, I left Cobra Burger and carried on with my Cheat Day. That sex god who was sleeping on my couch from earlier is in town for some band practice, which we had at Orbital Music Park with another SEX god and long time food pal, who for my money is the fastest gun east of the Mississippi!

After band practice the two sex gods and I reconvened back at home base where I made a round of Cheat Day cocktails. This week's drink? The Aviation: Gin, Peach Brandy, Lemon Juice, and maraschino. It was a fruity and tangy ice cold treat for this hot JULY day. Along, with the cocktails? I pulled out some cheese and what was left of the watermelon. This Cheat Day's cheese? Buffalo MOOZUHDEL (mozzarella) and sharp and stinky (reminiscent of sweaty crotch) provolone. YUM YUM in my quickly shrinking TUM TUM. 

That's not all buster ass cheatsters! We've got another restaurant to get to for dinner! Aka meal number 3! AKA the second to last meal of the day! Little Nickle is the place. It's a tiki-esque hawaiian themed cocktail bar and restaurant. PERF. Just different enough from the burger and the breakfast burrito, but boasting flavorful cheat worthy drinks and dishes. But THEN, all of sudden, like firm swift punch to the gut: BOOM! No AC. It was hot in there... and we stayed. 

"YOU MORONS!"

Cosmic Love

I know! It gets worse! We order, we sweat. Our drinks get there. A round of beers for the amateurs. For Me? Their frozen beverage, the Cosmic Love. In that heat, mixed with its apt description for my affinity for Cheat Day, it was the OBVIOUS choice and really quite tasty and very refreshing. 

FOR FOOD! I ordered what was DEMANDED of me! Hawaiian Nachos was an amazing amount of food for the price. Roasted pork, pickled onions, jalapenos, crema on top and YES, SMOTHERED in queso sauce. The ONLY way any place should serve nachos? Spread white queso sauce over every bite. MmmmmM! I could eat it forever.

 Then...the pupu platter. The exact opposite deal as the nachos. An over priced, modest array of gourmet taquitos, crab rangoon, meat skewers, chicken wings, etc. I feel like they charged us $15 just to light an unnecessary fire in the middle of the tray. Don't do it. Get the nachos.

Overpriced

But then! A Cheat Day travesty for the ages. My table mates DID NOT receive their food due to a wait staff error! "GASP!" I know...They ordered the lamb Philly Cheesesteak because they had it before and loved it. It was never entered in the system!!!

NOOOOOOOOO! It was getting heated in there, lemme tell ya, which as you can imagine brought us dangerously close to HELLish temperatures. BUT, the wait staff member admitted their mistake and offered my table mates a free slice of pie. Perfectly handled really, all said and done. 

Nachos at Veil

With obstacles come opportunities. This opened up the idea of going to YET ANOTHER location so that my dinning guests could actually have some dinner. The chosen spot? Veil Brewery which has a small Mexican kitchen attached. They got the nachos, I had one. It was good. This will be a future Cheat Day visit, no diggity. Their Pilsner was meh though. A little too much hops taste on a Pilsner for my liking, keep that shit in your stinky IPAs. 

As Luck would have it the fastest gun east of the Mississippi was driving my drunk ass home and he can be JUST as diabolical as me. Knowing Cheat Day had just a few more hours left he stops at 7-11 for some taquitos and candy. BOOM! A Cheat Day nightcap and another Cheat Day for the books! 

"GOOD GOD you disgusting creep! How could you do that to yourself?!"

What, you mean shave TWO INCHES OF FAT off of my slowly slimming body thus giving my heart less strenuous work to do?! Yeah! Yeah, that's right! Check yerself fam. 

Until next time! Take care of yourselves, take care of each other and eat like your life depended on it.

ELE,

Zach

Warshington D. Cheat Day

AWWWW SHNAP ya'll. It's time! It's back! It's been YEARS since I've posted. Even more years since I've given myself an excuse for a gut fillin'/mouth waterin'/poop chute slidin' weekly holy-day known... as CHEAT DAY. I couldn't be more stoked to the max about this! Come along once again on my journey to cut weight by eating as much of whatever I want!

The quick deets:

• The diet? - Slow Carb Diet RIPPED out of the pages of the The Four Hour Body by a real fucking PSYCHO who is NOT a doctor, scientist, or nutritionist: Tim Ferriss. If you're interested, read about it a bit. There's 0 science involved. I'm pretty sure this LOON just tried it and lost a bunch of weight? Sound familiar?! Yeah, that's because I fuckin' did that too! Am I a LOON?! Read on and find out!
• The food? - 6 days a week I can only eat protein, vegetables, beans and lentils, and VERY particular fruits: avocado and tomato. I'm ALLOWED to eat cottage cheese somehow, but I HATE cottage cheese, so I ain't doin' it.
• The cheating? - 1 day a week is now called Cheat Day. It will normally fall on what used to be Saturday, now it is known as Cheat Day. On this day I can and will eat anything I GOT-DANG want and as fuggin' much of it as it goshdarn PUHLEASE. 
• The numbers? - I am not stepping on a scale. I am doing body measurements. The morning after Cheat Day I was: 47 nips x 45 Belly x 43.5 Hips

                            

Now, I'm gonna tell you a little secret....I've ALREADY STARTED! That's right, one cheat day is already under the old belt. This time in a place I never ever cheated before in all of my life, Washington, D.C.

"But, Zach$, why are you doing this to yourself again? I mean you seemed pretty miserable every day that wasn't cheat day the first couple of times you tried it?" Ummmm, gee THANKS. Also, GO FUCK YOURSELF. I'll tell you why: I got FAT again, that's why! Since you last heard from me I took up exercising in a BIG way? How big do you ask? Well my hashtag #bufflikeme is a world wide phenomenon. Everyone loves it, everyone uses it. It's inspired LITERALLY like dozens of people. Literally. If you haven't seen it, take to instagram and check it out the account @fartpinchoutmybutt. 

Well, all of the exercise was really working for me for quite a while. Everyone wanted a piece of my fine buff ass, EVERYONE! But I wouldn't let them have it! Oh, no. Then! After a few years of getting buff day in and day out I really started to work up an appetite, as well as a severe dark deep depression. This made my appetite EVEN WORSE. It seemed like no matter how hard I busted my ass working out I would just eat so much more and undo the majority of the work I had done. Finally, after weeks and months of looking at my big fat GUT in the mirror I said to myself, self - Let's Cheat. So, here we are. Cheat Day Maw-fugglers!

"Hey, tubbs, get to the food would ya? I don't need to hear your sob story you big blubbery BIOTCH." Woah, hey! Calm down, here it comes.

It was kind of a half Cheat Day in that I got started after noon. It was a bit of a split decision. Once it had been decided though, I was off and ready. To start I was escorted to the Union Market District in North East DC. First stop? La Cosecha Latin American Market. PERFECT for me! You know I fucks with that Latin food. This is a delightful little market with many different vendors sporting food from different latin nations. Out in front were vendors peddling icy treats and cold boozy beverages, just perfect for a hot day. 

La Cosecha Interior

Generally this diet demands a cut back in boozing, so EF IT! Let's booze I said. BOOM Serenata DC has a stand with delicious icy bagged cocktails like Caprisuns for adults. I slide up to the lady workin' the stand and I ask, "So, what's the deal? Where can I drink this delicious looking Guava Daquiri?" Ya know? Cause we were still out on the street is all. 

And she goes, get this...she says, "ANYWHERE!"

So I says back to her, I go, "WHAT?! Like we're in New Orleans or Las Vegas?!"

Then she says, "Aww yeah, I that's right!"

Apparently everywhere in the country is getting REAL lackluster about alcohol rules and THAT is A-OK with me! So I took it walking, and it WAS a delight: cold, flavorful, STRONG. Fruity and boozy. Highly recommended. 

La Cosecha is essentially a small upscale mall in the ground floor of a swanky, new-ish, condo building in the gentrified north eat side of the city. It's packed. All of that feels kind of icky. However, the layout is intriguing almost to the point of exciting. Bars and restaurants are tucked in corners, along the walls and sit in the middle of the floor. A donut stand stops me immediately. Why the hell not? Donisima. That's the name. They only have a couple of different options, but one of them is TINY donut holes where you can get essentially every different flavor. I'll TAKE EM! Breakfast DONE.

                                      

I recently discovered a love of Pupusas when I visited Denver. Yeah, that's right, DENVER. Do they have a large El Salvadoran population?! I Don't FUGGIN know! Ask a Denver! ANYWAY, there's a Pupuseria in La Cosecha called La Casita. I got a MIXTA which is a soft corn tortilla just STUFFED with pork chicharron, red bean and cheese. 

While they make up my pupusa I head over to my favorite, the Mexican restaurant! Las Gemelas is basically an upscale Taco Bell. "What the FUCK did you just say?!" You heard me! But, I'll spell it the FUDGE out for you! I ordered a MEXICAN PIZZA with chorizo... as well as a suadero taco. BUT MEXICAN PIZZA!

I take all my orders, struggle to find a seat, and when I finally do I start SHOVING stuff into my mouth. The pupusa is HOT (OUCH) and soft and delicious. It is not the highlight though. The suadero (a thin cut of beef from the intermediate part of the cow between the belly and the leg) taco was packed with flavor. STILL, NOT THE HIGHLIGHT. 

WHAT WAS?! The MEXICAN FUCKING PIZZA duh! Taco Bell wins again! This ain't no Taco Bell Mexican pizza though. This was VERY well crafted. A SYMPHONY of flavors in each bit and never once over powered by the chorizo. Amazing. IncredABLE. (incredible, but said like a sassy frenchie). This is worth going all the way back to this awkward ass mall to get. Trust me. 

Next, we ain't leaving the Union Market district without visiting the Union Market itself. This thing is OG La Cosecha. It boasts far more food stands with a much larger variety of styles and nationalities. They've got butchers, bakers, fish mongers, but also diners, bars, seafood spots, sandwich spots, delis, cafes. It's truly an exciting place for a "foodie" (I hate that word). So I'm going to say for humans who can withstand large crowds and an anxiety inducing number of choices. Nope, that's too long. Foodies it is. For now.

After walking the floor I settle on a hoagie-ish take on the Cuban sandwich from Immigrant Food AND an order of Etouffee from Puddin' Southern Comfort Food. Now, in my age I've grown a bit wiser. I don't dare shove this additional food on top of all the latin food I have just eaten. No! I take it to go for a little later.

On my way back home, more cheat food in tow, I am a gluten not just for food but punishment as well. I stop at a grand opening of a Wegmans in DC. It too is crowded. I get a few essentials for the week, but I also get some BEERS. That's right, they are to be my last ones for a while. If you didn't know already, I'll tell you now. Wegmans boasts an amazing wine, beer, and in participating states liquor section. But this is about BEER! I love German and Austrian beer, so it was an EASY choice. I decided to stick with the old Weihenstephaner Pilsner. I very delicious old beer that I could drink and drink forever. 

"ALRIGHT BEER BOY we get it! How was the food?!" It was AWESOME, what do you think! Etouffee won the day though. It just did. I love cajun food. I am real into that creamy seafood sauce, plus I'm a big rice fan. The Cuban sammy was good, it just wasn't the best cuban sandwich I've had recently. 

All in all. Go the the Union Market in DC, walk around with a drink, and good luck picking just one thing you want to eat. If I were you, I'd make up a reason for a cheat day and head over there then. Want to visit me? Have any questions? Slide into my DMs. 😉

Until Next Time! Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and eat like your life depended on it.

ELE,

Zach