It's Must Be a SINistral to VANISH From the Public House!

Hot Dog Busters! Another one in the books! Nope, I didn't eat any hotdogs! But I DID eat a ton of delicious crap. I'll tell you this though. The weeks in between are getting easier! Once you find some staples you enjoy it's so much easier. Eggs, hummus, quinoa, salsa, avocado, carrots, pickles, jerky, nuts, olives and lots and lots of La Croix to brush that sweet tooth. 

"GET THAT HEALTH CRAP OUTTA HERE GUT BOY! WE WANNA HEAR ABOUT HOG HEAVEN!"

Well busters, you've got to THE RIGHT PLACE THEN! It's another Cheat Day ROAD TRIP! Not cause I got any place to go, but this time the journey is LIKE the DESTINATION MAAAAAN! It's ROCKTOBER, the scariest month of the year, so I 'Ring Girl' out of bed like a zombie who's like EVEN HUNGRIER than a Zombie, ya know? Like a starving, skinny girl, zombie man! I creepy crawl scamper all the way into the kitchen where there is a chocolate croissant and a miniature chocolate cream pie waiting for me for dessert. NOM. NOM.

With delicious sugar and carb sitting in my stomach telling me go BLAST OFF! I grab Sally Small Stomach and throw her in the car to head off to the great tiny town of Damascus, Maryland, where sad, pale, flabby teenage meth heads attempt to dissuade you from partaking in the treats of the town's orchards. We pull up to the store at the bottom of Rock Hill Orchard and Woodbourne Creamery and before we could get out of the car we are met with a deep, intimidating growl, "You HERE TO PICK APPLES?!" We duck back into the car expecting an apple to fly in our direction. 

"NO! We just want to buy some Apple Cider Donuts!" Sally says.

"Well, we ain't GOT NONE!" retorts the sad, pale, flabby meth head.

"That's not what your website told us!" Sally says.

"WELL! Them DONUTS is just fer APPLE PICKER! Ya gotta get 'em up there at the FARM!" declares the left behind youth. 

"Well, we'll just go up there then, thank you." Sally says.

"NO! Ya can't unless yer here to pick apples!" says the confusing living specter.

 

Sally turns to me and we both shrug. "Alright, well, thanks anyway." After a side bar conversation we decide to get some delicious cow to cone ice cream and a bomb ass bag of evercrisp apples. So, even if we didn't come away with Apple Cider Donuts the trip wasn't a total bust. The ice cream was truly the tits (wink) but of the four flavors we sampled the Cinnamon Apple flavor was the best.

After I knock back my cream in the car we come up with a scheme that will take us FAR! I drive right by that fat Hwhite redneck and straight up the road toward the farm where she was telling apple pickers to go. "What do you find?!" MORE SAD TEENS! These ones are in a pack of three working a check in tent for the city folk who drove in from all over to enjoy some laid back country life, pickin' apples. And, what do we spot on the check in table under the canopy? BAGS AND BAGS of donuts! 

"DUuuuuh, you here to pick apples?" Says the sad sad teen with painfully low energy.

"NO! God dammit, why would I pay you to do your work? I'm here for the apple cider donuts please." I say, growing increasingly more frustrated at this farce.

"Oh, uuuuuh, THOSE donuts are just for apple pickers, so...." replies Eeyore. 

"Ya don't say?....Look, we drove about 45 minutes out here JUST for those donuts. You guys have anymore anywhere? Or, is there another place we can go to get them?" I ask feigning politeness. 

"Hold on a minute!" squeaks the teen who turns to have a a pow wow with his three-teen braintrust under the pergola. We over hear that they have more up at the farm. Eeyore returns, "So, uuuh, YEAH, we have more coming from the farm so uuuuh, we can just sell you these, $8!"

"Great, thanks." I throw him a ten and tell him to keep the change. 

He hands over the brown bag of donuts and asks, "So, you don't want to pick apples then?"

"No man, no. Just the donuts." and we drive off leaving the dejected rejects huddled in a sad puddle of dust from the dirt road. Please, Sally Small Stomach digs into the bag and grabs two donuts. They ARE worth the trouble. 'FINGER.LICK'

We high tail it outta Damascus fast for fear that first abrasive Orchard rep IS actually a fast moving ghoul of some kind hell bent on killing us for making off with donuts without picking apples. We hop on a nice country road lined with colorful leaves and rolling hills. We've got time to kill. 

SUDDENLY! We see a sign. A sign for a brewery. Not just any brewery, but a brewery where my cousin WORKS. I screech off the road and into yet another dirt road. Vanish brewery is impressively large and chalk full of instagramable back drops. I text and call my cousin, Scotty, who doesn't respond but that of course mean he could be working. I go up to the bar and order a beer, Hacienda - a delight and refreshing Mexican Lager, Sally gets a delicious swirled FROZé. I ask the beer pourers if they know Scott. They look at each other, puzzled, and back to me like I'm some cop here to take him in. 

"He's my cousin." I say to them, reading the room. And their faces light up immediately and they tell me he's in the kitchen. I take our delicious drinks toward the kitchen for an instagramable moment hoping to spot him. Then BOOM! He pops out and gives me the old point and pump. I tell him what THE FUDGE is up and that I need something REAL cheaty REAL bad. He say pulled pork nachos, I'll hook yo FAT ACE up CUZ. 

"DONE!" I order dem nachos and walk the premises. There's some cat shelter there trying to get people to get drunk enough to adopt a cat I guess, but we ignore it, because we've got nachos to eat. And does my boy hook me up or what!

I give them and him the point and pump RIGHT BACK. After a fond farewell it was BACK TO THE ROAD! Now heading into true Northern Virginia my surroundings are much less scenic. Finally we land at my BOY McD's mansion in Manassas, VA. If you didn't know, McD is the one who put Man asses in Manassas and HE'S gonna show us around Old Town.

FIRST STOP! Sinistral Brewery. He's a member with his own mug, so they treat us REAL good. After tasting a few brews I settle on a bourbon aged October fest something or other. It's a NICE. It's a REAL NICE!

 

Next he takes us down the street to the Public House, where the service is slow, but the beer cheese and burgers are dank AF! Them beers are flowing as well. 

 

Because the Public House slowed us way down I had to hit the road once more. But, I'd definitely go back to join McD to check out old town Manassas some more. 

With a full belly and a little road weary I limp back to home base for the final showdown. A pre-assembles Lasagna with homemade bolognese and béchamel sauce. It's also COVERED in parmesan and mozzarella. If I didn't already give away my point and pump to some pork nachos I'd- AH WHAT THE HECK. ANOTHER POINT AND PUMP TO THE LASAGNA. You know it's good too, cause I scarf down two pieces even after the day I've had. Ya know why?! Cause it's back to business tomorrow, THAT'S WHY!

 

Who passes out immediately?! This fudgin guy right here. What do you think? You think I'm over doing it, don't you?! Well let's check the FRIGGIN numbers!

NIPS - 45.75 (down half an inch from last week)
Belly - 43.25 (down 3/4s of an inch from last week)
HIPS - 42.5 (UP 1/4 of an inch from last week, ASS BLASTIN')

There you have it doubters. Shed that fat. Lean and mean. Stay focused, stay motivated, test yourself, treat yourself. Take care of yourself. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

Cheat Day Brunch

I'm back BUSTERS! Cheatin' FULL TIME and it feels REAL GOOD. For those of you just joining me, which is prolly none of ya'll, let me catch you up. I do a dumb ass diet with no basis in human physiology called the Slow Carb Diet. It means that 6 out of the 7 days of the week I basically TORTURE myself by refusing many delicious foods. SUCH AS: cheese, breads, fruits, noodles, candies, beers, chocolate and sex. 

Okay, that last one is a total lie. BUT, on ONE day out of 7 I go and I eat as much of all that deliciousness as I darn well please. And here's a retelling of what I went and ate. 

I got summoned on another short road trip for a big gay brunch in the Warshington D.C. area. I call it a big gay brunch because it was: A. A lot of food, B. Most of the participants identify as homosexual and C. food was served around the 11/11:30AM hour. It was a ROAD TRIP because I was crashed out in Richmond, VA the night before. SO-

The alarm goes off and my phone blares "EAT IT" by Weird Al Yankovich. I know I have to hit the road and fast if I'm gonna make it to Taco Bell for breakfast before they switch over to the lunch menu exclusively. I don't know about yous guys, but when I used to spend $15 at a Taco Bell drive thru my next stop was the ER. Inflation is a real mother, amirite?!

I take on a breakfast crunchwrap with bacon (if you don't know by now that's hash-brown, egg, cheese, bacon, and quesadilla sauce wrapped in a tortilla and it's the best fast food b-fast item on the market), a sausage breakfast burrito, an order of lil'cinnabon bites, and a lunch burrito off the value menu. I'M NOT GONNA SIT THERE, driving down the interstate, getting my ONE Taco Bell meal in a month or more and NOT have some classic T-Bell, grade D-, oat/meat concoction. 

Lucky for me I stop at the Taco Bell at the perfect moment for me to make it to the brunch location. I'll spare you the details but let's just say this was a photo finish. 

As I am gentleman, and I am not starving for a Cheat Meal, I help setting up for the fierce soiree. The spread is everything I could want. Especially since the dish I requested, Biscuits and Gravy (Duh), is looking and smelling amazing. I set out a few chairs taking sips of my Irish coffee and nabbing pieces of cheese and bacon while I wait for the first guests to arrive. 

Once the first two do, I don't waste no business. I dish myself out a plate of them Bisks and Graves and it hits the nonexistent spot. At this point I'm doing it out of pure gluttony. They taste so good, I eat a little bit more. In fact, I'll say right now they get my POINT AND PUMP of the week! I pace the room hoping for a bit of hunger to come back. It doesn't, so I eat a pear and a peach keeping in mind that fruit is not only delicious but important. 

Plenty caffeinated I switch over to a variety of late summer/fall mimosa varieties. I start with a Perfectly Peach juice mimosa. It's dank. I drink it like a 7 year old who just finished playing midfield for a full summer league soccer match. I move onto the Perfectly Apple Juice mimosa. Is it REALLY that great also, or am I drunk, full and happy? Let's just say yes, of course it is! The Apple Mimosa goes down just as smooth. It's time to switch to the OG OJ Mimosa and it goes down even smoother. So what's left?! Oh yeah...how about a little rosè in this unseasonable warmth?! Throw it on top!

Speaking of unseasonable warmth, it's time to take the party to the patio and bask in what's left of 2022's sweet sun rays. We all sit and chat, a little day drunk, nursing some bevys and eating the occasional piece of pumpkin and chocolate chip french toast. I drink a pineapple rum with pineapple seltzer and a splash of guava nectar and it's to effing DIE FOR. Hey, we all die some day right?

I was taught about the difference between a Napoleon pastry and a Tiramisu. I devoured a delicious piece of a napoleon to work in more sweets, light fluffy and the perfect amount of sweet. Chef's kiss. The beer of the day goes to SOL. After sitting in the sun on all that food and booze I realized I needed to hydrate and Sol hit the spot. Thanks Sol. 

After a while the old queens trickled away from the party in sets of twos and fours. I started to clean up munching on cheese and meats and crackers the whole while. Then, 4 o'clock hit and the NFL wanted to show us a program. I forgot what happened after that. 

I awoke from my drunken stooper feeling a pit in my stomach. Certainly there was something that could fill it. I crush an everything bagel sandwich with cheddar, salami and an INSANE roasted red pepper spread, I polish off a self-indulgent buffalo chicken taco and to cleanse the palate a piece of a big FAT BANANA ice cream sandwich by nightingale. 

 

Some times you start early and you end early. I limped to my bed feeling accomplished on my first full Cheat Day back. I didn't go anywhere except Taco Bell and a welcoming group's lovely brunch filled with good food, good laughs, and good weather. It was a good day to be alive. There ain't no shortage of them. Remember that. 

Oh, I went ahead and measured myself for posterity. Here's where I'm at after the Barbados fiasco and the whole "Cheat Meal" trial. 

NIPS: 46.25 (a negligible .0625 in increase from 3 weeks ago)
Belly Button: 44 in. (an embarrassing .4375 inch increase from 3 weeks ago)
HIPS: 42.25 (a proud .125 in increase from 3 weeks ago, I like some junk in this trunk)

So, that just goes to show you. Stray from the program and you might regret it. Let's stay focused. Cheat DAY. Not Cheat Days and not Cheat Meal. 

Take care of yourselves, take care or each other. eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

My First Cheat Meal in Charlotte, NC

Well Busters, I made it over half of Cheat Day without having any delicious delicious cheat food. I credit that MOSTLY to driving to Charlotte, NC but ALSO because as we all know I was one fat FAT FATTY last week and needed to punish myself a little more. 

I'm in Charlotte for a 50th birthday party for this dude I've never met. He's a rich guy and a former professional soccer player, so this party was dope AF. Cuban food truck, catering waiters walking around with treats aplenty, buckets of beer all around the yard, a table with piles of cigars and a bar fully stocked with top shelf booze. Did I just wander into heaven on my first ever Cheat Meal?! You be the judge.

Upon arrival the young children of the man of honor are bouncing, taking names and giving wrist bands and generally putting the heat on anyone who WAS NOT invited. Luckily, I know people. After introductions and some obligatory pics I swipe some fried rice balls and some mini cuban sandwiches from the waiters. 

More time goes by and I FINALLY make it for the bar. TEQUILA please and lots of it. All different kinds until it finally landed on Cava De Oro and it's GOT DANG delicious, I could drink it neat and I did. With that delicious warmth in my belly it's time to hit the Cuban Food truck. I get an order of whatever the hell this declicous stuff is:

It's some kind of sauced up meat over rice and I wanted more. But, instead I got some of this:

A full on Cuban Sandwich and some dank ass empanadas. 

The night goes on and fades away. I eat fruit and cheese from the charcuterie in the dining room. I pound beers from the buckets. I do my dancing duty. I smoke a cigar. I got REAL close to a burlesque dancer (stripper) getting naked for the birthday boy. And I was a sham-friend toasting champagne after signing happy birthday.

Another week has gone by without measurements. I promise I will get back to the metrics next week. Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

A Bajan Birth/Cheat Day

NEW RULE! If I for any reason cheat OUTSIDE OF Cheat Day, the following Cheat Day I am only allowed a cheat MEAL! 

"Woah woah woah woah! Fart Pinch....What'd you go an do?!"

Good question reader! I went on a little weekend getaway in the Caribbean for my birthday. 

"NICE! How old are you, Fart Pinch?"

NEVERMIND! All you need to know is I CHEATED for like 5 straight days, and here's what I ate! I land in Barbados and, after getting whipped around the island on the wrong side of the road in an old panel van, I am handed a POWERFUL Rum Punch from the hotel bar. I crush it and am instantly drunk.

Turns out, it ain't yet dinner time on the resort so I'm forced to order a ham sandwich and some fries. NUMBER ONE LESSON! Don't EVER order fries in a fancy place (fine dining restaurant, hotel, country club, etc.) they WILL suck. Fries are meant to be from fast food and chain restaurants. 

Lesson Maw Fuggin TWO: Food in other countries is just better. This ham sandwich looked like some cheap assed slice of canned ham on a stale hot dog bun, but it wasn't that at all! It was FRIGGIN DANK, naw mean?! The bread was nice and fluffy and the ham was tender and salty and the CHEESE! My god, the best slice of cheddar cheese I've had on a sandwich in some time! I wish I'd ordered more. 

What did I have to wash this ugly duckling down? Well don't ASK! GOD! I can't keep track of every fruity frosty tropical drink I drank while basking in the crystal blue water to best the sunny skies for you, OKAY?! We will just say it's this bad boy:

The Canvas was a muddled or pureed watermelon cocktail with a little melon liquor, rum, and basil. It was the most refreshing rum punched drink I've had in my life and I SUGGEST you try making some on your own...maybe next summer when watermelon are back out whole hoggin' it!

After a couple rum punches, two or three Canvases and about 6 Carib beers it was dinner time. I didn't know what to expect at the hotel restaurant but this was a fine dining experience. I ended up crushing... ya know what? I can't really remember. I left my phone in the room, which is what you SHOULD DO on an island vacation!

This is vacation, so I roll out of bed when I darn well FEEL LIKE! I shake off the previous day's trip and I strut back to the restaurant for my GOSH DARN breakfast. There's continental and a full menu. YES I GET BOTH! Fruit, pastries, cereal make up the continental bar and for B-Fast #1 I take on their breakfast burrito. 

Beach time get's had and I make sure to work in a run before hopping on the water taxi and floating on down one of the sister resorts. Low and behold there's a GOT DAMN swim up cave bar in the pool at the sister resort! I sit their a while and enjoy a couple mango coladas, banana daiquiri's and several more Caribs and Presidente beers.

Pleasantly buzzed and sun soaked I go and search for some vitals. What luck! There's a beachside lunch buffet on the patio! I crush some of the most delicious curry I've ever eaten and have a lil'piece of Hawaiian pizza (they love pineapple on pizza BTW) and a few more horrible fries (like a DUMMY...but those fries dipped in that curry was still delicious)! 

Back at home base we catch a "bus" to downtown Bridgetown to experience the Friday Night Fishfry. The whole town turns out for this festival-esque feast. I immediately grab 4 Banks Beers for $12 Bajan dollars and head for Uncle George's stand. I snag the swordfish and Sally Small Stomach decides to one up me with a a whole Red Snapper. The sides that come with these tasty local catches are outstanding and plentiful. Food is just better outside the U.S. Mac and Cheese, cole slaw, grilled potato, sea weed salad.                                  
On our drive through the city I notice a fast food looking place I did not recognize called Chefette. It's a local Bajan chain that has chicken sandwiches, burgers, pizzas, pastas, ice creams, fries and their specialty, Roti. According to O'Neal the cab driver people call ahead an order frozen Roti by the dozens to bring back home with them. Naturally, I have to try this. I spot a Chefette from the fish fry festival and, this maybe being my one chance I waddle my fat full ass down the street to the Bajan Burger King. I get a lentil roti and some fries. 

The fries are FINALLY what fries should be and the lentil roti was a little fast food Indian burrito delight. ESPECIALLY if you like Indian spices. AND I DO!

The next morning it is officially Cheat Day AND it's officially my BIRTHDAY. WHAT?! What a world we live in for that to happen on accident like that. I'm feeling bloated from all the food and all the sugary rum drinks so I make sure I get in a nice hard work out first thing before doing anything and going anywhere. #BuffLikeMe But then? It's breakfast time. 

I am in a little region on the island known as Payne's Bay and there is a "Payne's Bay Breakfast" on the breakfast menu...so naturally I have to have it. It's out of control! It's Caribbean fish stew with some kind of crazy delicious hush puppies, hash browns and grilled plantains! I've never been a big fish guy, and I NEVER thought I'd want it for breakfast, but I ate this for breakfast every other day since.

After breakfast we hop the water taxi up the shore to Crystal Cove for a few hours of relaxing in the sun on the beach and by the pool, snorkeling the crystal blue Caribbean waters, engorging ourselves with more delicious offerings from the beach side lunch buffet and knocking back sweet sweet rum drinks at the swim up cave bar. The drinks of choice for birthday Cheat Day are Mango-Coladas and Banana Daiquiris. TOP DRAWER! 

Back at home base I catch the most glorious sunset I've ever seen while drinking MORE delicious and fruity beverages and waiting for dinner to start. For dinner the Tapestry restaurant served up some delicious leek soup and bread to start, followed by pork loin over risotto and corn with some broccoli and the other was fish on a fried cake thing that was outstanding. 

                                 

The waitress would NOT stop pouring me Rosé which was outstanding and I got AWFULLY drunk while this local lady sang some hits to the Brits growing increasingly more drunk along with me. We waited forever for a dessert menu and I knew what I wanted anyway: chocolate cake with some ice cream in the middle. EAT IT! PLUS some outstanding alcoholic coffee drinks RUM A DUM DUM.                                                                      
Surprisingly I woke up not feeling too hungover in time for the morning yoga on the beach. It cleansed my soul and gave some vital organs a good wringing out. Today, I stick around the home base resort and chill out on the sand and walk the beach and stay by Tapestry for lunch where I eat a little salad FINALLY, tacos and some chicken curry thing that was delicious. Those little crisp things that came with it I could just never stop eating. 

                       

When dinner rolls around I head to the Wave hotel and resort, which seems to be the flagship of the whole operation. It's quite nicely setup and one of their two restaurants is a fine Asian fusion place. Melty Ahi Tuna and crispy beef with chili were the tasty start to the otherwise decent attempt at Asian Fusion. I had an oddly dry thai curry chicken dish, but Sally Small Stomach's seafood dish stole the main course show.

                          

The real winner, though, is their "bread" course which were just these very crispy fried wonton things with a tangy sweet and soury sauce. And dessert? Well, dessert was simply ice cream. Delicious of course, but not much to say there.

                                

After one final Payne's Bay breakfast and a few more canvases it was time to bid farewell to this little slice of paradise. What better way to leave paradise than with a sack full of Chefette? AND riding first class back home! 

          
I've never ridden first class before now and it is truly a dream. I'm handed a delicious cocktail to sip on whilst the lower class PLEABS board the plane. They come right out with more alcohol as soon as the plane was in the air. They slap my sunburnt face with a hot HOT towel. Next up is a tasty lil'dish of warm nuts followed by a full fucking meal of rib tips, mac and cheese, a sour dough roll, salad/hummus and a lil'piece of chocolate cake. ALL OF THAT, plus all the drinks you can drink and all the room in the world to spread out. There truly is no other way to fly.

         
Now, obviously there's no measurements this week since there was extra cheating and THIS WEEK there will be no Cheat Day, just a Cheat MEAL....womp womp, but thems the breaks.

Some final reminders: never order fries at a fancy place, food is just better in other countries, quality is mostly better than quantity but if you can get quality in quantity just say yes. 

Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach