Fogo De Chao Down and Phoenix, AZ

Good gravy guys. “Thank you, it’s just brown and water.” Did you miss me last week? Well I missed you! But, I was busy. Traveling around like a mad man. So let’s go back…WAY BACK to LAST Cheat Day, 8/27/22. 

I, of course, woke up like it was any other Cheat Day morn’ with a twinkle in my eye, palpitations in my heart and a massive massive erection. The only thing that could cure any of this, mind you, is a creamy coffee with dulce de leche and a spicy cheese bagel, so that is OF COURSE what I took to the face post haste. 

                           

This Cheat Day is shaping up to be a special Cheat Day as it has been recently decided that I will be hitting the buffet this Cheat Day. Not just any buffet either, but Fogo De Chão. For those who don’t know Fogo De Chão is a Brazilian Steak House chain restaurant from Brazil. Also for those who don’t know, most Brazilian Steakhouses are all you can eat meat. And lastly, for those who do not know, I, FartPinch, have NEVER been to a Brazilian Steak House fucking EVER. 

“GASP!”

I know, I feel ashamed. But this Cheat Day it is time to fix that. 

“But FartPinch! Sounds like it’s an awful lot of protein for a Cheat Day!”

 

It is indeed you cheatin’ ass busters. But I’ve got one word for you: Cheese-Rolls! I hyphenated it, sue me. You gotta say it hyphenated when you’re shoving cheese-rolls in your cheatin’ face two at a time. Aside from the deliciously melty flaky orgasmic cheese-rolls which are better than cheddar bay biscuits from that Lobster place by a fat FAT margin I got a buffet of fruit and cheese, candied bacon, waffles and hash (cause it was brunch) plus they just kept bringing garlic-butter mashed potatoes as well as fried bananas and plantains. THAT’S Cheat Day biotch. 

 

Plus the meat. The meat is bad news. The meat is what does me in. You see, one of the reasons I didn’t have the gumption to write you a "Cheat Day. Don’t Care." last week my sweet cheatin’ busters is because I was bested by Fogo De Chao and all of their meats. I left the place in extreme discomfort. I went on a walk to try to walk it off and felt as though I might puke on a couple different occasions. The only thing left to do was lay down on the floor for two and a half hours. So, that’s what I did. I laid there and watched a crazy Japanese movie from the 80s called “Tampopo.” It’s a western about ramen, which I will have to get one of these Cheat Days. It’s weird as hell but worth a watch. 

 

Despite it’s slaying of my colon I have to give Fogo De Chao my point and pump from last week’s cheat day. It basically bullied me into it. And, here’s a rank of the meats from worst to best for those of your who love lists and rankings (my top 5 of 13 meats, YES I TRIED ALL 13 MOTHER):

• Bacon Wrapped Chicken and Steak (Medalhoes Con Bacon) Bacon, c'mon!
• Top Sirloin (Alcatra)
• Spicy Pork Sausage (Linguica)
• Beef Ribs (Costela)
• Prime Part of the Top Sirloin (Picanha) OH YEAH!

After my two and a half hour hiatus I pounded a Mexican Coke to set myself straight. Holy Shit it worked! Git you some! I then head out to the Side Door at The Pub and The People in DC. I know the bartender, Ulf, no big deal. It’s a fun little basement bar that is decked out like the basement in That 70s Show. Ulf curates a kitschy craft cocktails list, each of which has a fun lil’retro name. 

FOR INSTANCE! I started with an “It’s Britney Bitch!” Which pains me to admit is retro now. It is a tasty tequila drinks with watermelon and some thyme, which Ulf lit on fire like a mad man! I also got to taste an Alexis (not sure what is so retro about that, but hey whatever) which was a bourbon and banana bevy. VERY good. Probably better than Britney. Yeah, I said it. Alexis is better than Britney! What of it?! I followed all that up with midwestern staple, Zombiedust after Zombiedust until I was properly Zombiefied. 

Amidst the delicious cocktails and high ABV draft beers I decided to go ahead and top my meat filled intestines with a chicken quesadilla, some Mac and cheese and tempura fried cauliflower. I’ll save you some time. Stick to the cauliflower. It’s not the cheatinest dish, but it is for sure the tastiest. 

Still feeling like a failure I limped back to my bed and laid down face up and passed TF out. I may have lost the battle, but I’ll win this war. 

Morning measurements:’

• Nips:
• Belly Button:
• Hips:
• Tip:

So, I promised you cheaters a two for one this week, didn’t I? Well you’re in luck! Cause even though I was traveling a ton last week I cheated this past Cheat Day anyway! In PHOENIX, ARIZONA! Or as I call it Red Denver. The mountains are red, the people are red and if you do it right, the stool is red.

“Awwww, FARTPINCH! C’mon!”

How many times am I going to have to apologize? You either get me or you don’t, okay? Well, if Phoenix is Red Denver that must make Denver: Blue Phoenix! FUCK that’s a cool name. I think we should make them switch. Alright, I digress, I know. 

So I don’t really get why 1.8 million people choose to live in uninhabitable waste land, where if you’re lucky enough to survive the oven like 108 - 114 degree days you still have to watch out for poisonous insects, prickly plants and ravenous, desperate coyotes. Regardless, psychos seem to enjoy it so they’ve carved themselves out a pretty weird ass major metropolitan area for themselves. I really hope our society's entire infrastructure doesn’t collapse, cause those folk are the fuckedest. 

“The fuck'd you eat dude?! C’mon!”

Oh yeah! So, to start, I was on east coast time, so I was up like MAD early. Real fuckin’ early. Like 6AM. And the place I was staying had all this crap:

So I just ate all of that stuff right away. I put as much of it in my mouth as I could. There were elephant ears, mango, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, bananas, salty ciabatta rolls, chocolate chip cookies, Spanish omelets, croissants, milanesa, desutshce chocolate cookie varieties and all the coffee I could drink. Now that’s cheat day heaven BOI, I tell ya HWHAT!

Spanish Omlette

Because I was up so early and was ALL UP in the southwest I had to get me a little tex-mex. I made my way down to a lil’ol’diner chain called “Snooze” for some breakfast tacos. When I arrived at Snooze their bar was STACKED. I’m talking liquor store stocked. So I figured why the hell not, it’s Cheat Day after all. “Gimme a god damn Mimosa and make is a 90% bubbly my fair lady!” I shouted in my best Yosemite Sam accent. 

The breakfast tacos were bomb as well: egg, chorizo, hash browns, creme fraise, pico de Gallo. PERFECT. The mimosa smashed too and now so am I. 

Now, the main event out in Phoenix came from the recommendation of a pizza friend of mine. Really, he’s one of my all time best friends and he’s the fastest gun east of the Mississippi. He makes his own pizzas and I was waiting to feature pizza on the Cheat Day. Don’t Care. blog until I went and enjoyed some of his home made pies. BUT, he said this guy out in Phoenix was legit and his books about pizza have helped him learn how to do his own, so what the hell. 

Pizzeria Bianco has multiple locations around Phoenix now so it is not as slammed as it has been traditionally, though I still wait about 20 minutes in the hot hot mid-day summer heat in Phoenix for this pizza that better be DAMN GOOD! 

Well, they got lucky. It was delicious and a little unique Neapolitan style small pizzas. Going completely off of the recommendations of the fastest gun east of the Mississippi I order accordingly: 

1. Rosa (their signature white pie topped with red onion and pistachio) 

2. Wise Guy (another white pizza with dope ass fennel sausage and grilled onion) and 

3. Sonny Boy (soppresatta, red sauce, olives).

OBVIOUSLY the Sonny Boy is the best one (Tomato Sauce DUH!), followed closely by the Wise Guy (MEAT!). BUT, the Rosa is surprising. It’s different. It starts off a little sketchy but it pulls through with each additional bite. I was skeptical sure, but it was worth a shot. 

 

I’m gonna come clean. I did not finish each of these pizzas. These were all to share. What I will say is I probably ate at least an entire pizza plus a slice or two. Not only that, I had this crazy delicious meat/cheese appetizer, wood fired spiedini and a local pilsner to boot. Not bad for the main event. 

This week’s cocktail is a dark and stormy too, just cause I ordered one from the bar across the street, call The Macintosh, while I waited for my seat in the pizzeria. 

As the sun set in the desert and on this Phoenix Cheat Day I wasn’t getting much hungrier so I didn’t make too much of a stink about having anything else to eat. I just had my hosts bring out a small assortment of Cheat Day friendly treats such as:

• Cheese
• Crackers
• Grapes
• Berries
• Breadsticks
• More Cheese
• Muffins
• Croissants 
• Cheese Again
• Beer
• Wine
• Watermelon
• Mango
• A crazy pastry we BLASTED custard all over.

It’s what I do on Cheat Day when I’m no longer hungry. *Licks fingers*

Welp, I am on East Coast time remember? So I get to bed REAL early. A Cheat Day started early is often ended early. I think I did it. I did not let this one beat me. Instead, I got what I wanted through and through and I did not relent! 

No measurements this week studs! I left the tape measure at home, where I hope to leave myself this week. Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Eat like your life depends on it!

ELE,
Zach

It's Cheat Week Not Fleet Week!

SWEET BABY CHEAT WEEK Mo-Foggers! Ya' HEARD me! Cheat WEEK! I told ya'll! I told ya'll LAST WEEK on this blog that a road trip was gonna be tough AF! And it was! It really really was. So tough, that I just threw all dietary restrictions out the car window and went whole hog all week long! As a result I did not do my measurements this weekend. FUCKIN' SUE ME! 

You gonna sit there judging me for that? Or would you rather judge me for what I ate all week long, HUH?! Thought so! Now strap in, cause I cheated my way all across the great states of North Cacka-Lacky, Georgia and a little into South Cacka-lacky!

Sunday morning I woke up in the strange and underwhelming Asheville, NC. Sally Small Stomach landed us a brunch rezy at one of the hottest spots in town, Cúrate, a very fancy tapas place. I fucking hate tapas. SMALL plates I have to SHARE?! Get-da-fug-oudda-here! HOWEVER! Despite that fact and despite it being in Asheville, NC, this place was awesome and delicious. Now, it's the day after Cheat Day remember, so I ain't trying to keep goin' full out fatty on cheat food, naw'msayin? Cúrate delivers in this attempt. Lemme break it down.

Kickin' it off, I ordered a DELICIOUS cheat-eriffic coffee and Spanish Brandy drink called a Spanish Coffee with an orange infused whipped cream as a topper. Lemme just say this was the best HWHIPPED cream I have ever had. I could have eaten a tub of it. Sally ordered an espresso with "your preferred spirit" which they chose for her and they chose CORRECTLY. In her coffee was a shot of Cota 45 - Pandorga Esencia de Pedro Ximénez. SUCK ME SIDEWAYS her coffee cocktail might have been the tastiest I have ever had. 

Like I said before, I friggin HATE tapas! So I let Sally Small Stomach do the ordering...and she crushed it. Here are the "small plates" ranked:

• 
  6. pulpo a la gallega - Octopus with a Potato Puree - I don't mind when octopus is in things, but I get a little squeamish when I can really tell I'm eating octopus. Also, mostly diet friendly with the exception of the puree. I enjoyed it, but it comes in last on my list.
  
• 5. gazpacho - Lisa Simpson's answer to a backyard BBBQ. I can't say I've had a ton of gazpacho in my day, but this one was quite tasty.
• 4. escalivada - roasted peppers, onion and eggplant - VERY diet friendly and let me just say this only ranked so high on my list because of the - 
• 3. No longer on the menu - Skirt Steak...but pork. ALSO diet friendly and boy howdy did it pair well with that escalivada. 
  
  
  
• 
  2. Chistorra & chips josé's way - Cúrate's spicy chorizo sausage wrapped in a potato chip. Basically Spanish pigs in blankets. Sounds simple and possibly easy to fuck up. Simple? yes. Did they come out fucked up? NOT A CHANCE IN HELL! I was the one who was doing the fucking up of those fancy pigs in blankets. They were perfect! The slight crunch that came from the chip not wrapped around the sausage was so MWAH (chef's kiss)! This comes in at no. 2 but let me tell you, if you happen to have done yourself a disservice by ending up in Asheville but made the right choice and getting it into Cúrate then THIS is the dish you must order.
  
• 1. pincho moruno - the "large plate" (pfff) lamb skewers. I don't toss the phrase "symphony of flavors" loosely...or maybe I do, and MAYBE I'm just a lamb fan, but MMM - Mm - mm.mm.mm.

We, regretfully kicked it around Asheville for a couple more hours just trying to find the charm that people kept talking about and got a couple more treats along the way. We knew we had a large amount of road ahead of us so we decided to kick it up a notch with some caffeine. The stop? French Broad Chocolate Lounge. I got a very cheaty and cheeky Ice Coffee FLOAT with vanilla ice cream cause I'm BASIC HOKAY! Sally got herself an affogato with CHOCOLATE ice cream cause she's always right.

Time to hit the road! STOP NUMBER ONE! Atlanta, Georgia...well Decatur really. Decatur, GA is the Evanston of Atlanta. It's the BETHESDA of Atlanta. It's basically the LARCHMONT of Atlanta. DO YOU FOLLOW ME YET?! It's a nice ritzy suburb/city that has it's own thing going on these days. It's a little red neck and it's a little ritzy. There's a chic donut shop with a line around the block and a busted upred truck with old tires in the back sitting out in a front lawn. I wake up Monday morning feeling pretty proud of myself for how I've eaten on the road trip thus far and I walk down to the local coffee shop in search for a little pep in my step. I find it alright. I go into that shop and order me up an an Iced ZACK! WHAT?! I know! An Iced Zack is essentially an iced red eye at the Kavarna cafe. 

Here's where my road trip diet kind of starts to run off the rails a bit. When lunch time hits we make Ford's BBQ our destination. Can't road trip through the south without stopping for a little BBQ. I get the platter with the pork, the brisket and the jalapeño cheddar sausage with some greens and some Brunswick stew, pretty diet friendly for sure. And YES, my biggest regret of the trip is not just ordering the Super Duty. Anyway, I wash all that down with a fucking WHISKEY AND CHEERWINE though like a fuckin' sugar freak! 

Buzzin', I need more drink and I don't mean BOOZE! I'm talkin' bout that GOD DAMN soda pop! I'm in the MECHA for fuck sake. HOTLANTA is where Coke was born! So I make my way to the WORLD OF COKE museum. It was totally worth it for the tasting room alone. I tasted probably 100 different sodas and didn't even puke ONCE! HOLY CRAP. Here's my breakdown:

• Best - Pinneapple Fanta - It's commonplace but it's true.
• Worst - Beverly - Stupid Name, terrible synthetic and mediciny taste. Just awful. Tasted like what I imagine someone named Beverly might taste like. WOAH! HEY NOW! Watch out!
• Most Interesting - Sour Plum Fanta - tastes like BBQ sauce. I wouldn't drink a whole glass, but it didn't make me need to run and find the Pinneapple Fanta to get it's nasty taste out of my mouth...BEVERLY!

After the World of Coke I blew a 12 year old's mind at his own birthday dinner by informing him that I won $25,000 on a gameshow called The Cube. He also thinks I'm famous because I've been in TV and Commercials. Man, kids are dumb as SHIT. Also, don't worry about what I ate at the dinner, it wasn't much to write about.

What else do you do in HOTLANTA? A Braves game of course! The reigning champs have themselves quite a lovely, if not controversial, new stadium way out in the burbs where the RICHERS live. It's basically like a big Atlanta Braves theme park. After you get out of the parking decks you immediately walk into a miniature town filled with bars, restaurants, candy shops, merch stands, even New Orleans-esque daiquiri bars like Fat Tuesday. This is clearly setup to maximize post-season participation. The park itself is shiny and new AND! I GOT A BEER BAT! CRACK - glugluglug! As well as some cotton candy! FUCK THIS DIET SON! I'm on a ROAD TRIP.

The next day we pack it up and move toward Savannah, but this is a road trip mind you and what good is a road trip without a tourist trap thrown in there? The great Georgian Peach Orchard called Lane's was this tourist's trap of choice! Hey, clean bathroom's I'll give them that. I'll also give them this!: BEEF BRISKET GRILLED CHEESE, FRIED GREEN TOMATOES AND FRIED PIMENTO CHEESE BITES MAW FUGGLERS! CAN I SAY FUCK THIS DIET ANY MORE TIMES! YES, I will be. Food was decent, can't fuck up fried cheese and the raspberry jam they gave me with the order paired surprisingly well. 

HOWEVER! The whole reason for even going is peach cobbler ALA MODE with peach soft serve ice cream. THAT, was legit delish.

Belly full and totally pleased with my tourist trap I make it the rest of the way to sweet sweet Savannah, GA! I'm instantly blown away by the beautiful historical architecture and the haunting live oak trees and spanish moss which line the streets. Unlike Asheville, Savannah delivers on every possible level. It's a fun town just to walk around but there seem to be a ton of fun ways to blow your money there as well. Ways like...

Buying BOOZE and taking it on your walk with you. That's right! Just like New Orleans and Vegas and SHIT seemingly anywhere now depending in what parts of what towns you find yourself, if you waltz into any old spot in Savannah and you ask for a drink to go they just pour it in a plastic cup and you walk it on out the door and down the street to the next place you want to buy a drink. I had a lot of drinks while I was there so I'll rank them later. The only PLACE I want to let ya'll cheatin' ass busters know about based on the drinks is OF COURSE Wet Willie's which is Savannah's MAW FUGGIN' daiquiri bar! ALCHO-SLUSHIES ya'll! AND LOTS OF EM. I CHUGGED, through brain freezes, a MUD SLIDE and a MONSTER MELON. Both delicious and both couldn't be more different from one another. I must say, they hit the spot in the sticky southern summer and they leave a big fat tub like me delightfully buzzed, so if you're normal sized WATCH OUT! It's a chain, I know I get it. They all are. BUT I LOVE THEM!

Here are all of my Savannah Walking Drinks Ranked:

• Peach Sangria  - Bernie's Oyster House - Pumped, primed and pready for action I just went into the first bar I saw and grabbed the most refreshing looking drink on the menu.
• Terrapin Los Bravos local Beer - Quite a refreshing local take on a Mexican Lager
• Half Way Crooks - RADIX - a delicious and refreshing German Style Pils from the area. I love their dedication to German style beers and less so on the IPA in this region.
• Mud Slide - Chocolate Alcho-slushi from Wet Willie's, HOLY HELL a dessert and a drink.
• 1 Whiskey 1 Scotch 1 Beer - The Grey restaurant - it was 3 drinks for $15 bucks at one of the "best restaurants in the country"
• Monkey Business from Tandem Coffee and Spirits - A DELICIOUS iced coffee beverage with banana liqueur and irish cream. I got one two days in a row.
• Monster Melon - Wet Willies - Picked it up on my way out of town and it just really suits my taste. I love it. 

Savannah is very much a walking town and now that I'm boozed up and moving my feet I'm ready to eat. My first meal takes place at Savannah Seafood Shack where I take a low country boil STRAIGHT to the face! It was out of this world good. I could have eaten two. No lie, best corn on the cob I've ever eaten and believe it or not CORN is not diet friendly, so YES I'm still being bad. Oh yeah, the whole bag is steamed and steeped in butter anyway. Crab legs, shrimp, sausage, potato and delicious spices. MMMMmmM. I want another!

The hotel I was in boasted a free breakfast and TACO FUCKIN TUESDAYS where I got some tacos and beer with the cost of staying! OINK OINK OINK! It was standard hotel breakfast, but why spend on breakfast with low country boils like the one I just MONCHED?!

The best Savannah lunch goes to the BOWL O' SOUL at Crystal Beer Parlor. The Bowl O' Soul is creamy grits topped with pulled pork, collard greens, pimento cheese, onion rings and a side of GOT DANG CORN BREAD. SWEET SOUTHERN SUNDAY Suck me Sideways AGAIN!

Finally, we get to din-din numero dos. This here is for all intents and purposes the MAIN EVENT of the whole road trip. This is THE GREY. A restaurant whose chef, Mashama Bailey, has won the most recent BEARD award for outstanding chef. OOOO, well I'll be. PINKYS FUCKING UP! WAIT A MINUTE, It's called The Grey because I'm bout to be eating inside an old Greyhound BUS STATION! Pinkies back down SUCKA! JK, it's awesome inside. The decor is tight...but so are the tables. The menu is PRICKS FIX and a lot like tapas, which ain't my style. But, I go along to get along and if the food is good then it's good and I'm happy. 

The food is good, no doubt. Oysters, I tried one...still not my thing. Tuna appetizer, quite good...keep it coming. HOLD THE FORT! Where'd the food go? Someone dropped the ball and my party and I were left sitting in the cramped table with NOTHING TO EAT for about 45 minutes to an hour. VERY unappreciated at the finest restaurant in the country! Should it not be a well oiled machine? OILED WITH LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY?! They give us free fried rice balls, yipee, they're fine I mean c'mon..they're fried. We power through and they finally get the rest of our courses out to us: Okra, carolina gold and delicious ruby shrimp, Smoked Pork with hominy - tender and yummy and Finally, the likely CULPRIT of the hold up: 50 ounces of roasted rib eye with a garlic butter pat resting atop. They didn't even ask us how we wanted it cooked and it was cooked perfectly. Well played and touche!

Because of the HORRIFIC delay they gave us a round of dessert/drinks for free. Two of us ordered the Revolver Dessert cocktail: Rye, coffee liqueur, orange bitters: Boozy and delicious. And one, more adventurous party member got the Marscapone Fruit Tart with Corn SMUT ice cream! This ice cream was not the best ice cream ever, but may have been the most interesting tasting ice cream I've ever eaten. Touche again, Greyhound Bus Station!

Having to leave my new favorite city the very next day was a sad day indeed, but I still had a great and many miles to cover on my way back home, especially as I tacked on an additional short stop in Charleston, South Cacka-Lacky. Having only a couple of hours in this ALSO beautiful and historic city my food choices were short and sweet. First, we pulled off in the ghetto of Charleston at Hannibal's Souls Kitchen for a delicious shrimp and crab rice. We followed that up with a couple of Empanadas and Argentinian Ice Cream at one of only two Freddo Gelato in the U.S. (the other is in Miami.) These empanadas were legit delicious, one was beef, the other chorizo and cheese...MAN I love chorizo. Their mint chocolate chip was SWEET minty goodness and the banana split I sampled was off the charts. This place, as well as the delightful sights made the stop in Charleston well worth it. 

Being back home from the road I decided to continue the cheat week with a breakfast burrito, some Stiegl Golds and some WiseGuy pizza on Friday. I started the diet back up the next day on what should normally be Cheat Day and I sit here writing this blog getting hungrier by the word. I just recently started this diet over again and I've already strayed. Most of you who know me and see me during the week know that I take it very seriously. But, honestly, some times you gotta take breaks from things. Sometimes you have to go along to get along. Sometimes you discover that you can eat a number of things on a road trip that mostly fit in with your crazy and ridiculous diet and it actually ISN'T that hard to stay healthy away from your routine! I'll be GOSH DARNED and here's a quick recap of things I ate on the road that I could eat any old crummy day of the week:

Lamb Skewers

Shrimp

Crab Legs

Steak

Nuts

Jerky

Smoked Pork

Sauteed Onions

Roasted Red Peppers 

Eggplant

Gazpacho

Octopus 

Eggs

Tuna

Okra

Iced Zacks

Go on an adventure. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other and eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,

Zach