Cheat Trip - Asheville, NC

Just a Couple Of Dogs on the Road

HOkay Cheaters, confession time. Cheatin’ life is a hard life. It is not for everybody. Every cheater cheats. Every cheater strays. It’s tough AF to cheat on a roadtrip. It’s also tough not to cheat. This Cheat Day, I was on the road 6+ hours of the day. That’s nearly half of my daily waking hours! Sure, there are cheat-tastic snacks your can munch on while driving, but you can’t GET DOWN on some real heart stoppers like you can in the booth of a greasy spoon. 

I’m telling you this to say I did what I could this past Cheat Day. So, sit back and enjoy the first Cheat Day Road Trip.                             

I BUSTED out of bed early, this time not just cause of Cheat Day, but because I got places to GO! I know I’ve got much of my day goin’ to the road so I waste no bidness. I cram a banana, and banana poppy MUFFIC and, inspired by Paddington the bear I make myself a marmalade sandwich on white bread and inhale it. While I lick the stickiness off my fingys I load the car up with road snacks purchased in preparation: oranges, cherries, bananas…gettin’ FRUITY today MAWfugs! I also loaded the bad boy up with twizzlers, junior mints, peanut butter cup filled trail mix and KETTLE COOKED mesquite BBQ lays potato chips. Ready Freddy? Let’s go!

         

I knew I couldn’t just skip town without more treats than this, so before hitting the road for Asheville, NC my companions and I make a stop local Richmond, VA bakery, Sub Rosa. This wood fired oven with a corner store ALREADY has a line out the door but it does not deter us. My good ol’companion, Sally Small Stomach, knows her way around a bakery so with a pat on the butt and belief in my heart I send her into the shop to order for me. She doesn’t let me down.

She comes out with a piece of quiche (as recommended by the internet), a peach/blackberry tart, a jalapeño cheddar pastry, a local honey and brie cheese pastry, a VERY fancy moorish spiced lamb hot pocket and a chocolate and raspberry croissant! WHAT THE FUDGE?! Now we’re cheatin’!

 

There’s no time to waste, so we bring the WHOLE box of treats into the car for the ride. We hit the road and Sally Small Stomach starts handing me treats one at a time and because I am driving I accept this method of cheat treat delivery. Each bite of each pastry is absolutely delicious. That jalapeño/cheddar pastry was so spicy and flavorful without being painful on the tongue that it caused me to break out into song, the moorish lamb hot pocket was so well spiced and tender that I could have eaten three of them. I, of course, did not. Each of these items was so crisp and fluffy and flakey that it left me the front of me a crusty ass mess. Because you Buzzfeed generation nerds like your BULLSHIT ranked here it goes:

1. Chocolate/Raspberry croisant - best croissant coverage I’ve ever had
   
2. Jalapeno/Cheddar pastry - Perfect spice level
3. Moorish spiced lamb pocket - I’m a savory guy what can I say.
4. Raspberry/peach tart - great seasonal combo
5. Honey/Brie Pastry - now I HATE brie cheese with a passion (FIGHT ME FUCKER!), so I can’t give this one a full rating, but they honey on that pastry was dope AF. 
6. Quiche - it was good, just overhyped by the internet… just another thing on the pile of things the internet ruins.

GREAT! Just 5 hours left on the drive, what do I eat now?! I told yer DUMBASSES I’ll be eating twizzlers, junior mints, trail mix, and TONS AND TONS of Fruit and It’s awesome. I ainn’t gonna kid ya. Fruit was something I seriously missed last week and fixed on making up for it this week. Cherries is a smart and delicious summer road trip snack. They got dem vitamins for ya, but also they be keeping your hands busy while you pop’em one at a time. Giving your tongue and lips a work out, NAW’M SAYIN?! If oranges aren’t in your top 3 fruits to eat any time anywhere then stop reading, you no longer get to enjoy my gluttony. Finally, bananas. Just eat them before they’re gone alight!

We try to stop at a country fudge stand somewhere off I-81 in the middle of Virginia but their dumb hillbilly asses were closed…mid day…on a SATURDAY! They done fucked up and forgot what day it was. I was about to break my bank up in that fudge stand. 

Undaunted by this minor set back my companions and I trudged on. We pull up to the little mountain inn where we would be staying and discover that there is an adjacent Taco Bell. It must be my lucky Cheat Day. This here is my 4th Cheat Day back on the horse and I no longer have the patience for no more Taco Bell, even though I am visiting a small country town specifically to indulge in their local fare I cannot deny myself a trip to the bell any longer. Not with one this close! I march my ass across the parking lot to the bell. The staff sees me coming. They start to sweat. I kick the door, the glass shatters. I step through take a big whiff and say, “Smell’s like it’s time for ya’ll to clean the bathrooms.”

To which the shift manager replies, “No sir, we saw you coming and Sandra pissed herself.”

“It’s been known to happen Sandra, go clean yourself up. I’ll make this quick. GIMME ONE A THEM CHEESEY DOUBLE BEEF BURRITOS with a soft taco SUPREME! Yes, it is Cheat Day, but I am here in your one horse mountain town for it’s other food so I will eat lightly…FOR NOW!” I tell the staff. With Sandra out of commission the rest of the staff take their sweet southern time making my two item order. Finally my name is called and I shove the old mountain uber-eats driver lady out of my way to retrieve my sack of bell then take it out the parking lot and take it to the house!

With a belch and a belly slap we move on to local southern grocery chain, Ingles, so I can finally get my ass some GOT DANG beer! I make myself a 6 pack of all NC beers and I drink them throughout the night. Some of you are beer fans and I can tell by the late night drunken messages sliding into my DMs so I’ll get this out of the way now. Here’s the beers (RANKED LIKE I’M A FUGGIN BUZZFEED QUEEN!)

1. Farmer Ted’s Blonde Ale - Delicious on a Hot Hike 
2. Little River - An easy sipper in a country hotel room
3. Camper IPA - Not a big IPA guy, but this one is easy peasy
4. Sunburst - Love the can and goes real nice with a hot shower
5. Hazy Heights - Not memorable
6. Green Man ESP - Just not very good IMO.

“Alright FartPinch, quit DICKIN’ us around with your lists and your FAST FOOD. You’re in a complete new place. Tell us where we should eat if we find ourselves unfortunate enough to be in Asheville, NC.”

You got it, dip shits! Next up?! McDonalds.  "Awww MAN! C'mon!" And I am NOT kidding. Not just any fuckin’ McDonald’s though! Do I look, act, write, and eat like a fuckin’ PLEEB?! No fucking WAY…well maybe a little. But THIS my friends is known as the world’s fanciest McDonald’s, located just outside of the Biltmore Mansion estate in Asheville. It boasts actual golden arches, a miniature grand/player piano, overly ornate indoor decor, and a staff dressed in tuxedo garb. 

“AWWW SHMACK! How was it?”

It was just like your BEST visit to any McDonald’s my friends, incredibly disappointing. Decor? Sure. But the staff was a bad McDonald’s staff at best, dressed so and all. There was a stupid mini-grand piano playing old timey piano tunes which was kind of fun, but not really worth making a stop into a McDonald’s for. The cherry on top, though, the mother fucking hot fudge sundae machines was “down” or “being cleaned” said the incredibly disgruntled manager. Now, I know this is supposedly a god damned conspiracy, according to the internet, but this really blows the whole thing wide open for me! If the WORLD’S fanciest McDonald’s can’t keep their GOD DAMN hot fudge sundae machine in operation? FUCK YOU lizard people! What’s really going on here?! Huh?! Keeping all the fudge all for yourself?! Not enough that you have 90% of the wealth you need 100% of the fudge too?! C’mon man! I’m no socialist, but this is ridiculous! 

Alright, stepping down, stepping off. Let me class it up a bit. 

The Grove Park Inn in Asheville is a classic and classy southern hotel and resort which boasts some of the most splendid views in all of the blue ridge mountain region. Just ask any search engine, they all say the same thing about the fucking views. They aren’t wrong, but get the fuck over it, alright, we get it, what else you got? We make it in time for a sun set cocktail on the veranda with the best dressed debutants in all of Asheville. My scotch gold rush was VERY strong and smokey, perfect for me. Cough cough. Sally small stomach enjoyed a Paper Plane, fruity and delicious. The booze hit the blood stream like a warm calming blanket. After the drink settled in my stomach I thought maybe it’s time for one more big meal. 

Asheville is supposed to have rather large and impressive food scene and so we scour many of the internet lists of best places to eat. This being Cheat Day and all I decide it should be highly Cheat Day friendly. Rocky’s Hot Chicken Shack showed up on ALL the lists and checked a lot of Cheat Day boxes for ol’Fart Pinch. It’s Nashville style fried chicken with dank southern sides and a full fuckin’ bar. CHEAT.DAY! We pull up to the shack and I slap my big cheat dick on the counter. 

“I’ll take 4 HOT tenders.” I tell the lady

“Our normal is hotter than most hots, just so you know.” She replies with a hospitable southern mask over her judgmental face. 

“Oh, is that so? FIVE HOT TENDERS PLEASE! With some Mac and Cheese and corn pudding on the side! I’ll have an order of fried pickles, cheer wine, one of your local “Pisgah” ales, and a GOD DAMN PIMMS CUMP while I’m at it!” I say with bravado! This is how a man eats on CHEAT DAY!

Rocky’s does not disappoint. It’s a great little indoor/outdoor eatery. Place your order, take your number to your seat and don’t wait too long for some delicious sides and some pretty spot on Nashville style chicken. Again, IF you find yourself in Asheville for some sad reason, this is worth a stop.

Perfectly satisfied with the Cheat Day and road worn I return to the hotel to finish day one my road trip and hope to god I don’t stray too far from the diet out here in the wilderness. Tune in next week to find out how THAT goes. BTW! This week's coveted point and pump goes to SUB ROSA from Richmond. 

Meanwhile, here’s how the diet is GOING! I bought a new ACTUAL measuring tape, so if this doesn’t MEASURE UP I blame the legit tape. I will be sticking with it for a few weeks with this new measurement device regardless! Without further ado, my measurements are!

NIPS: 48 inches (UP 2 inches from last week....uh must be the tape measure...AND Chest/Triceps day

Belly Button: 44.5 inches (UP 5/8ths on an inch from last week, not terrible considering the new measuring system)

HIPS: 42.5 inches (UP 1/4 of an inch - keep that booty TOIGHT)

GTP: Back down to 116 mm (getting a little frightened)

Road trips and vacations make this Slow Carb diet hard. Take a break but get back to it. Enjoy your travels. Say yes to things. Fuck shit up then rebuild. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other and eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,

Zach

AVAIL Weekend: A Fruitless Cheat Day

HOLY SHIT y'all! That's right, I'm southern again, SO WHAT?! Gettin' DOWN'N'DIRTY, cheatin' SOUTHERN STYLE! What a wild weekend and a seriously raunchy cheat day to boot. Strap in cheaters cause this one slaps.

Friday night, Tim Barry plays in Richmond. Friends are in town. Some friends I haven't seen in a decade are there. It's a musical celebration. I sing along with every song at the top of my lungs, as did everyone else in the joint. COVID much? I don't fucking care! GIVE IT TO ME! Tim Barry preaches and he makes you feel things. All sorts of things...in your heart. In your gut. And deep DEEP down in yer loins as well. My man! He ends the night with a dance party. 

My crew is hammered and hungry, so even though I cannot partake I drive them through the drive thru of a Cookout. It won't be too long before I return there on an actual Cheat Day. Southerners know what THE FUCK I'M TALKIN' ABOUT! It's L to the Max's first time in VA so I tell her to get the cook out tray and make it fuckin' sing. McD is no stranger to Cookout, so I let him do his thang. Jimmy Mac (the fastest gun east of the Mississippi) orders a hot dog with Ketchup. L to the Max from Chi-Town about ripped his god damn throat out over that one. 

The janky ass drive thru box was tough to navigate with a car full of drunks. After the order for the hot dog was placed either the dork working the radio can't hear me...or he's yankin' my crank "Anything else?" he asked. 

"Yeah, a hot dog with ketchup!" I yell as politely as possible, getting a little peckish and knowing I would not be partaking in any of these delicious food items.

"Garble garble Garble..An- -ing...ELSE?" Says the giant pimple working the cans.

"A HOT DOG WITH KETCHUP!" I shout, again as politely as possible, growing increasingly more frustrated.

"A-y Th-g Else?!" is shouted once again and this time I think this fucking PIP SQUEAK is DARING ME to break my Cheat Day code and I'm about to seriously let him have it-

"A HOT DOG WITH KETCHU-"

"I got the hot dog, anything else?" Says the nerd

"NO!" No, god dammit. Mother fucker, does it sound like theres anything else. Jesus H. Sigh. I let it go. My crew and I laugh it off and they enjoy their delicious snacks as I drive home hungry as fuck. I eat slices of lunch meat and hummus at home then try to fall asleep as quickly as possible. For tomorrow, it is my turn!

I wake up late for the day so I shove the end piece of a loaf of bread in my mouth before gathering up the crew for a most important Cheat Day breakfast bonanza. 

First Stop? Early Bird Biscuit. I'll just say it now. Maw Fuggin Point.And.Pump. Maw fugglers! Ya dig? Shit's good. Real good. There's a medium wait in a line but I'm not sweatin' it none cause Cheat Day don't care if there's lines, Cheat Day gon git what Cheat Day wants.

Once we order, our food is up QUICK. Representin' VA I order a VA Ham Biscuit sammy....wait for it! AND a Saturday Meat Lovers special ...sammy. The ham biscuit was no frills deliciousness, just nice salty ham and a fluffy, buttery square biscuit.

THE SATURDAY SPECIAL?! Instantly a top 3 biscuit I've ever effing tasted! The cheese to bite ratio was immaculate, the biscuit held fast and true, the meat omelet consisted of bacon bits and chunks of delicious sausage with some peppers and onions for flavor. CHEESEY. FLAKEY. BUTTERY. MEATY! Last week I said breakfast is easy enough to do at home. THIS PLACE took a tasty DUMP all over that notion. GO GIT you one! 

 

I munched down on both my biscuits in the car, making a mess of crumbs in my crotch all the way to Country Style Donuts, a classic Richmond staple. Country Style looks like a real shit hole. That's how you know it's gonna be tits. It's a shack off the side of a country road near the Richmond airport. It's a dingy dive of a donut shop. There's a 13-inch old tube tv mounted to a corner next to the menu playing news from 1987. Donuts sit stacked behind the counter ready to be devoured. Apple Fritters and Cinnamon Rolls twice the size of my FAT head sit in the glass case that makes up the counter. If heaven doesn't exist send me to Country Style Donuts when I die.

\

I order half a dozen for no other reason besides it is FUGGIN Cheat Day, c'mon now how many times do I have to say it?! I get two chocolate creme, two glazed, a Boston creme, and a fuckin' jelly. I pound one of the chocolate creme's in the car just gettin' my crotch DUSTED in powdered sugar. Between the biscuit crumbs and the powdered sugar, my crotch has never tasted so delicious. The donut? amazing. Many moons ago I lived by this ol'country donut shack. It already was my favorite donut ever in the history of the world and it continues to hold that title. It's soft, doughy, sweet, sugary, chocolatey, and large UGH! I want another one right now! Maybe next time on Cheat Day.

Time is somewhat of the essence on this Cheat Day as Richmond's favorite band, AVAIL is throwing a big festival on Brown's Island this Cheat Day'eve. It's already around noon so we gots to get back to the house to regroup. Broman and Mrs. Broman, along with my slumlord meet my motley crew back at the crib. Did someone say hair of the dog?! BEERS BEERS BEERS CHEESE COCKTAILS AND BEERS! Booze will perk me up good. I get to knockin' back 3 Stiegl Golds and a Millie Lite or 2. This Cheat Day's charcuterie board is VERY fuckin' cheesey. The slumlord pops open his cocktail book and looks for a cheat day cocktail that we've got ingredients for and can serve up to everyone. Whiskey's my spirit and that's our base for the "Brooklyn" cocktail. It's not bad, but much like the borough that is it's namesake it is
just plain not as good as Manhattan. 

  

Sufficiently drunk and full, we're still met with hours to kill before the big show. We decide to venture out into the ridiculous Richmond heat for a contest. The game? Disc Golf, a huge local and possibly international sensation sweeping the land. It's like playing fetch...WITH YOURSELF. Can you drink?! Not legally. Does Cheat Day care? DO I even have to fucking ASK?! I get to tossin' Millie Lites out to anyone who wants one. I drink a can of rosé. I slide all my bottles and cans up in my maw fuggin' robo coozy to keep em nice and cool. Broman and and Mrs. Broman bring out some of her patented cookie dough dip with pretzels to snack on. Uhoh...here it comes... Point. AND. PUMP! This DElicious home made dip delights! She wouldn't tell me what was in it cause...I guess it's not healthy. PFFF I asked her, I asked, "Do you think Cheat Day fucking CARES?! Cause it doesn't!" 

Look Closely For Cookie Dough Dip and the Robo-Coozy Under My Arm

"Cream cheese" she says, "it's mostly cream cheese." Well it's still delicious anyway! Go figure it out for yourselves and give your mouth a party people! 

I have a great time on the front 9 of Bryan Park, but it's time for Cheat Day's main event, AVAIL live at Brown's Island. Richmond's favorite sons will be gracing such a large stage and I am über effing stoked for it! McD drives us down to the event. Once we get through security I pop a gummy which I successfully sneak in through the gates (CHEAT DAY!). We march straight up to...Where else?! THE BEER TENT! The line is long. The clouds over head? Dark and ominous. We get to the front. Lightning strikes. Literally. Instead of ordering a beer, some weather patsy tells me they are clearing the island until at least half an hour after the last lightning strike. "Fuuuuuuuck YOU! Oh, like we AREN'T gonna get struck by lightning over there on the other side of the canal?! WHATEVER MAN!"

My crew and I leave, find a nearby piece of sheet metal and hide under the tallest tree we can find. After quickly tiring of that we say, "FUCK I want a beer and some food (CHEAT DAY!)" and we walk our asses up a giant hill to go to Penny Lane Pub to wait out the storm. This was a perfect idea. Not only do they serve up delicious Carlsberg on tap but they have a pretty tasty British themed pub food menu. I get myself a Will and Kate Plate (Whoever the fuck they are) which is a decent sausage (pfff Brits) in a very lovely fluffy and flakey Cornish Pastey served with a big old cup of gravy. MMMMMM gravy. 

ALSO! I got me the Irish Cheese Fries. Simple! Cheesy! Delicious! The cheese sauce on dem jammers was spicy AF too! Just like I like it. So flavorful. So bad for you. So worth it. So Cheat Day. The pot gummy kicks in. I acknowledge how drunk I am. I crush my food and I stop drinking for a moment. We notice other festival goers closing out and heading back down to the show, so we follow suit. THANK GOD it's all down hill! The weather feels so much better after the storm and as the sun sets. It actually works out nicely.

We set up our lawn chairs at a great space about halfway between the stage...and the food trucks. Cause ya'll know Cheat Day ain't over and ya'll know I'm older and wiser so papa gots to sits. I may be drunk and high and fading fast but it's only about 7 PM at this point! Let's GO! I sit in my chair and stare a while. Half the group goes to get some beers. I drink one OF COURSE. Afterwards that drunken queasiness comes back. "Let me ask yous again....does Cheat Day care?!" It does not. 

I stand and go for a walk to get some air. The food trucks seemed like a nice distance away for a walk. The only thing I knew I wanted was Funnel Cake. Why are festivals and carnivals the only place to get funnel cake for fucks sake?! Sometimes I might just want a god damn funnel cake. Jimmy Mac (The fastest gun east of the Mississippi) escorts me to make sure I don't fall over. What a guy. We decide on the 4 brothers truck. They do burgers and Cheesesteaks. I opt for a Cheesesteak on top of the Funnel Cake. Not literally on top, YOU ANIMALS!

The Cheesesteak and Funnel Cake come out so quick I could barely believe it. The Cheesesteak is salty and mediocre and the cheesewiz they put on it wasn't anywhere NEAR as good as that cheese sauce from Penny Lane. Worth it? Cheat Day don't care. The Funnel Cake?! FUCKING PERFECT! It was basically like little fried dough fries covered in crystalized sugar! MY GOD! So much god damn sugar. It's the best. Everywhere should have it as a dessert option.

AVAIL takes the stage. The band, the cheesesteak, the funnel cake and the sitting in my chair during an opener and a half have me back in it! 100%! AVAIL fucking RIP! Big surprise. The CSX trains roll by and get their own choo choo train solo, which if you know anything about AVAIL this is pretty fucking poetic. The weather stays decent too. It was a beautiful thing.

After the show we walk our asses all the way back up the hill to the car. Stop at 7-11 on the way home for a last ditch Cheat Day effort: Taquitos, Snickers and Dr. Pepper mixed with Cream Soda. CHEAT DAY! NO FRUIT EDITION! I can also say that Dr. Pepper mixed with Cream Soda is pretty fucking tasty. I'm not huge on Sodas but MY GOD is that one delicious. WORTH IT!

After all of that I woke up the day after Cheat Day a little worse for the wear, but I managed to get myself measured and I lost some serious inches yet again! BOO-YA BABY! Ya'll want the numbers?! I know you want those numbers! Here they are:

NIPS: 46 in (DOWN 1 3/4 inches! SO SKENNY BOTCH!)
BB: 43 7/8 in (DOWN 3/8ths of an inch, STILL LOSIN')
HIPS: 42 1/4 in (THE SAME, which is what this booty is lookin' for!)
GTP: 119 MM (HOLY SHIT, SHIT'S SWINGIN'!)

Wow, I love it. I love Cheat Day. I love it every gosh darn week. It makes the rest of the week oh so worth it. The rest of the week gets easier and easier thanks to meals like this:

Greek Salad with grilled chicken breast and without feta
Brats and sauerkraut
Spicy cooked shrimp with bulgur
Fried eggs with guacamole
Foods to snack on: Peanuts, jerky, lunch meat, hard boiled eggs, celery with peanut butter

Damn ya'll. What a great way to lose weight. Give yourself something to look forward to. Do yourself a favor and deny yourself some wonderful things long enough until you really really deserve them. Go to a show. Get together with old friends. Laugh so hard you might puke. Go get a tattoo to remember it all by. Eat a specialty biscuit from Early Bird Biscuits. God dammit listen to Tim Barry and Avail! 

Take care of yourselves, take care of each other and eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach

"Maybe You Should Order Some Vegetables"

WEEHEHEHEHELL Cheatin' ASStros! I'm BACK. Another satisfying Cheat Day is in the books and a little more fat is skimmed off of the top of this hefty meat sack. I think I know you busters well enough by now, so I'll skip with the announcements and formalities and get straight to the cheating. 

Coffee Cocktail

I awoke in a shot, 8AM, like it was 10 Christmas mornings combined and sprung out of bed as if I were getting back up in a kung fu film. I held in my pee to shove 5 pieces of watermelon in my mouth while simultaneously making myself a coffee cocktail called a Russian Influence. It was basically a coffeed up White Russian with rum, coffee liqour by Virago's, coffee, milk, and simple syrup over ice. FUCK it was boozy AND delicious. I was drunk and buzzin' by the end of my morning constitutional. 

It's so easy to cheat in the home for breakfast. That's just what I did again. Last week it was a burrito. This Cheat Day? Bagel baby! Boom! Better Believe Bagels Be Bumpin Bumkins! Blammo! "Okay, that's enough." I'm sorry! But, this wasn't any old bagel, OH NO! This was a corn, cheddar, jalapeno bagel from Call Your Mother's Bagelria in D.C. I stuffed half of it with MORE cheddar and an egg. On the other half?! Smother that bad boy in cream cheese, NAWM SAYIN?! Also, Sally Small Stomach, whom had the pleasure of cheating with me, only wanted half of her bagel...so YEAH, I smothered the other half of her bagel in cream cheese and ate that too and washed it all down with a fruit smoothie!

Bagel Sammy + A Fruit Smoothie

After all that bagel I looked at the clock. It read 10AM. Time for a fuckin' BEER. I went back to the oldest brewery in the world for my first beer this cheat day for a Weihenstephaner Helles. Delicious! For a good breakfast beer. Always go to Helles. 😉

Next, Sally and I had an errand to run, luckily it involved food. It was a farmers market. "WOMP WOMP" Yeah, they have veggies and shit there, jerky...fresh fish, ya know? Stuff I can always eat. But you know what else they have? This soft, delicious, cinnamony, mapley waffle! I got me one and ate it as I walked around looking at all the yuppies....I MEAN LOCALS! Man what a treat! Errand complete. Upon getting back to the home base I decided it was time for a second Weihenstephaner Helles. Boom. A nice light buzz is always appropriate to maintain on Cheat Day.

In all it's glory.

You guys know I'm Buff AF now right? Like, TOTALLY Buff. And, I can't stay that way by doing nothing but this totally rad diet...I'll get to skinny. So, I had to lift some weights. And, even though I'd like to, I did NOT eat during my Cheat Day weights sesh. That only took about 45 minutes to an hour and after that I was back friggin' AT IT! The moment you've all been waiting for! For lunch was a big ass bowl of FETTUCCINE ALFREDO. Fresh pasta from Vace in Bethesda and some delicious homemade alfredo concoction. It's the 13 year old American boy in me who had to have it! Fancy Mac 'N Chee! A dish that hails ALL the way from Olive Garden! Mother of god it was the winner of the Day. POINT. AND. PUMP. Nothing can stop it! Or can it?!

A Squisitos Tomato Pie

What can't you do on a Cheat Day? "Ummm maybe don't like crash a pool party you fat idiot!" Too fucking bad! Cause that's what I did! Oh, nice to meet you Herman, ya sweet old man, now get out of my way! I'm takin a slice of your pizza and garlic bread and I'm EATING IT IN YOUR POOL! Squisitos is a serviceable choice and a stupid name for free backyard pool pizza and such. After making an ass of myself and a cancer out of my skin it was time to head back to home base to shower off.

Marsha^3 + Cheese Plate

God I'm hot, tired and full. But, the day's not over! All I've had to eat so far on this Cheat Day is Breakfast, Lunch and second Lunch. "What's going to tide you over until dinner?" COCKTAIL HOUR you CLAUDES! This week's cocktail? The Marsha Marsha Marsha. It's a VERY boozy whisky drink, aptly described as a "rum and rye Manhattan." Don't let the boozy description scare you, it's incredibly sipable and I highly recommend it for any whiskey, old fashioned or Manhattan fan for a very tasty change of pace. Also, it pairs well with CHEESE AND WATERMELON! That's right, that's more watermelon on fresh mozzarella sprinkled with a little fig balsamic! MADONE! 👌

"When the fuck is dinner?!" YEAH! I'm ready to Dine FUCKING IN! It's dim sum baby! Chinese shareables. Now, ya'll maw-fugglers know I HATE to share my food. But, if that's what we're doing THE MORE THE MERRIER! My "Party of 5" walks up to the Han Palace in Woodley Park and get sat at a table for 4. Now, if you don't know me, I take up enough space for 2. So we are REAL cramped at this table. Nothing fazes me though, it's Cheat Day! I order a Mai Tai, and fast - gotta maintain that buzz! Am I hungry? NO! Could I eat?! FUCK YEAH! We get to ordering, everyone is throwing dishes out there to the waitress. It's like music to my ears!

A pitcher of cold sake, soup dumplings, roasted pork buns, scallion pancake, beef pancake all get shouted out for the table! That's just to start! One of my table mates asks the fat old lady next to him what the FUCK she's eating. She's VERY American, so she say "General Tso's!" Yeah no shit, coulda taken a stab in the dark at that one, but guess what?! ADD IT TO THE TAB SERVER, we're fat Americans too and we want some! We'll take some crispy beef and the roasted duck with pancake all for the table to share as well while we're at it. And guess what?! It's all going into my mouth!

Just as we get to folding up our menus to hand over to the server she sharply suggest that "maybe you should order some vegetables." She's loud about it too, like she's calling us out in front of the class. My table mates quickly oblige with some spicy & sour cucumber and some pickled radish in order to not be shamed any further. I, on the other hand, have no shame. I maintain my out stretched arm holding up the menu in front of her face as if to say, "Vegetables? Not today lady. Not on Cheat Day. Not on your life!"

"Tell us what was the best you douche!" Okay, alright...that's easy. the buns and the duck. Although, I could eat those soup dumplings until I spill over. PHEW! 

We closed up and spilled out into the sidewalk and went a couple doors down the Sherry's Wine & Spirits. This was a labyrinth of a liquor store where I was told I could find my beloved, Stiegl Goldbrau. I was told correctly. I bought a couple sixers to save for later, but of course I popped one drink while I walked down the street on my continued Cheat Day journey. Thank you Sherry's. 

There was really only one place left for a douche as drunk and full as me could go on what's left of his Cheat Day, Adams Morgan. So my "Party of 5" walked along, stopping part way for a delicious banana gelato at Pitango, before we made it to Jack Rose, a douchey whiskey bar. I like whiskey! Hey, I'm a douche! PERFECT. After waiting in line for some over priced cocktails I was able to taste: "It's a Smash", "I got My Peaches from Kentucky", and "Spill the Tea." The latter of the three won the taste test. None of it is worth the trip, especially if you cannot stand a douchey environment and/or hate whiskey. To cap off the outting I accompanied what was left of my slowly dwindling party to Pitchers, Adams Morgan's neighborhood gay/baseball bar! I ordered two National Bohemians, a local bad beer known as Natty Bohs to the locals, which I enjoyed thoroughly in the air condition before feeling the need to wind this Cheat Day down for the evening.   

Pitango

Jack Rose Terrace

Enjoying Natty Boh

                               

Winding it down, of course, means enjoying a nice Fat Banana ice cream sandwich from Nightingale's and a Bending Time on the rocks from Dogfish Head while I slowly pass out in bed, drink in hand and half an ice cream sandwich hanging out of my mouth. I've gotta say Fat Banana is hands down the best ice cream sandwich ever made, and by a lot. Bending Time is a delicious liquor concoction by Dogfish Head fit for any season and any time of day. A ridiculous way to close another ridiculous Cheat Day.

Fat Banana

Boy Howdy! What a good one! Ya'll still with me?! Thank for reading. Ya know I couldn't write this nonsense every week without your support. Now...FOR RESULTS! I measured mid-day Monday and the following came out:

NIPS: 47 1/4 in. (1/4 of an inch LARGER! GASP!) 
Belly Button: 44 1/4 in. (3/4 in. SMALLER!!! WOOOP!)
HIPS: 42 1/4 in. (1 1/4 in SMALLER...hoohooHE Hoho...Oh my...trying not to lose too much here. I like my badonk a donk to have a lil'bit of junk.)
GTP: 116mm (UP 1MM! THAT'S right people. FEEL THE GIRTH!)

There you have it! The diet continues to work. Not as well as the first week, but that stands to reason. Also, I can explain the NIPS measurement results, alright. I had a rockin' chest/tris day this week....so that's ya know...that's just me gettin' swole that's all! 

Finally, I would like to take a moment to tip my hat to a few dishes that truly make this diet what it is. It wouldn't work without them! They are the behind the scenes, workin' man's diets that make the whole show roll! A few honorable mentions are:

Chorizo Breakfast Scramble: Chorizo, egg, peppers, onions
Lamb Stew: Lamb, crushed tomato, chick peas, onion, carrots, spinach
Chicken Garam Masala: Chicken breast, broccoli, cauliflower, peppers, onions, asparagus
The BIG Salad: Mixed greens, buffaloed rotisserie chicken, olives, pickle de gallo, peppers, cucumber, carrots, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, hummus, hard boiled egg.
General Food Snack HEROES: Pickles, avocado, jerky, peanuts, cashews, hummus, baby carrots, seltzers, vodka, red wine. 

That's it cheaters! See ya'll next week! Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, eat like your life depends on it.

ELE,
Zach